The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Oh I totally get you! I feel weirdly embarrassed telling my friends it didn't work out yet again..as if in some way, I am at fault! I have even wondered if I need to change myself in some way, but that wouldn't work either! I imagine you are like me - totally happy in your life, but would just like someone to be on your team.

It is just so frustrating.

@Polly1979 hi, did you know quite soon that there was no spark? Or was there a spark on texts but not in the bar?

I hope you are all doing ok on here, and sorry to those i didnt reply to, ive just been lying low.

Very into Mr Tree - definitely would never, ever, ever want to see such a video 🙈 - the ‘into’ would hit the basement below rock bottom.

I don’t know why they do these pics -if they’re hoping for anything like a date anyway - probably a flasher thing mostly - but my mind is boggling at this guy in the bath - no clue on this one!

There was absolutely no warning either. He asked what I was doing and said I was watching TV with the dog. Next minute I get this video with the caption “this is what I’m doing”.

It makes you wonder if this actually works for some of these guys? Do women actually message back and say “dying to go on a date with you now, after seeing your floppy piece of meat”. Even an erect one, which I just find to be quite aggressive tbh. Actually made me recoil when I opened the photo of that one.

Anyway, hope everyone has had a good weekend and looking forward to another week of matching/chatting/dating fun! 🤩

@BellaBlackberry83 and @Polly1979 - totally been there. I’ve been fine being single, but have had comments ‘you seem nice, why are you single?’ umm naybe I’m a psychopath?! I don’t get this at 60 tbf haha.

The dates - I think friends get excited for you and then share the disappointment but on your behalf, never think it’s you. I used to make mine into funny stories - that took a bit of an edge off.

It is a bit depressing, but it’s definitely not you, and your friends know this. There must be some stats on likelihood of meeting someone from OLD and clicking with them - they’ll be in the very low numbers. Some fall into ‘oh they’re not a serial killer so I’ll give it a whirl’ but don’t forget you’re worth the best guy for you - it may take a few disappointing dates first but it will get there. Alternatively, if it is too dire a break from it may be good then go back afresh?

With this one it wasn’t a lack of spark but some of the things he said didn’t add up and I felt he wasn’t being completely truthful about certain aspects of his life. Any kind of dishonesty is a massive red flag and not someone I would want to see again.

@BellaBlackberry83 I think married people just feel a lot more relaxed in company because they know there's no underlying message/risk of dating. Im the only single parent in our school (small) so im always doing pickups alongside the dads, or going to sports games around the dads, and all are really lovely guys. When i was dating my ex, I was also a lot more relaxed and people always saw my happy, nice self. On the apps, I find people have that barrier up

That’s true, I think my friends and family are baffled as to why it’s so difficult. They also find it hard to comprehend the behaviour of some of the people
on OLD. When I was ghosted after multiple dates I think they honestly thought he must be dead in a ditch somewhere as no-one could be that lovely and then vanish into thin air.

I am happy in my life and don’t ‘need’ someone but I do feel ready for another relationship (I probably wasn’t for some time after my marriage break up as it was a difficult and painful one).

I do take breaks from it all and have paused the apps at the moment though it would be nice to have a date over the bank holiday weekend so maybe I’ll go back on in a few days!

I know it is dire and you recoiled, but in the reading this is hilarious! Just showing you what he was doing 🙈🤣

(Some?!) are definitely still little boys showing off their best toys - still not sure why they think we would want it but they’re desperate for us to approve it ha!

@BellaBlackberry83 @Polly1979 I can completely relate. When I was on OLD I had no issue finding dates but I could never find that spark. Most of them turned out to be dreadfully unappealing, dull or waving red flags around like some sort of misogynist Morris dancer. The case scenario when I was on OLD was pleasant but no spark, but even that isn't exactly great!

I used to try and give the nice ones a 2nd date to see if that spark developed but any more than that and I felt like I was leading them on. It's almost better when they're awful - at least it makes for a funny story!

I wasn't sure if I was the problem or if online dating just isn't for me. I reckon it's probably a bit of both!

I have to admit, I have enjoyed a D pic on the rare occasion 🫣 only in very specific circumstances though.

99% of the time they're repulsive. Unsolicited ones are vile, either the man is staggeringly arrogant and thinks women want to see his mediocre appendage or he doesn't give a damn what the woman wants and just gets off on sending photos. Both options are grim 🤢

Objectively they're very ugly. They always remind me of a naked mole rat!

Haha - way to put me off Mr Tree’s return from holiday 🙈🤣🤣

Note to self - must not laugh!

I had this in one iteration on OLD - each date was so flat I just couldn’t stand it in the end and realised watching paint dry in my spare evenings would be so much more fun - I came off for a quite a while.

The next time I was nearly coming off but met Mr Situationship just before closing account and basically went into that as it wasn’t as flat as a pancake - it wasn’t great but it wasn’t the worst I guess.

I’ve been pretty fortunate this time round - well at least for a high as a kite date and subsequent ones - but it definitely feels like a 1 in a millionty chance - I’d had one not for me date and was already reconsidering my life choices - I’d have stayed a bit longer I think though - dunno if/when I’d need to go back just how long I could bear it - but I’m 60 and patience is short ha!

I had a few flat dates but I think I wasn’t really in the right headspace. I was hung up on my first OLD where sparks flew but he couldn’t/wouldn’t commit and breadcrumbed me until I realised I’d become nothing more than a booty call. It was addictive though and I’ve had to retrain myself not to keep going for the same type over and over. I’ve been seeing someone for a few months and it was much calmer, steadier and less sparky initially, although I definitely fancied him, neither of us are particularly outgoing so it took a little while to get over the shyness and for things to build. I suppose it’s just finding someone who’s right for you which is hard but just keep going with the dates and don’t put too much pressure or expectation on it.

@Kaltenzahn Lol at the naked mole rat, that’s spot on!

I’ve matched with someone on Bumble, let’s call him Mr Beach. Chat seems to be flowing really well, but I can’t decide from his photos whether I actually find him attractive or not 🤦‍♀️ Don’t know if I should suggest a date or just call it here.

I really struggle to find anyone I find remotely attractive, let alone have actual chemistry with, so lots of the recent comments posted here about flat first dates certainly resonate!

I've got a Mr Beach I matched with on Bumble currently too - imagine if it was the same one! What are the odds! 🤣

And I fully agree with everyone about the attraction thing. I met my ex on Tinder about 6 years ago now - he was my first ever OLD and oh my God, the sparks! And they have never faded to be honest - I just have to be in a room with him to want to jump his bones, however furious I might be with him ....

I guess I imagined I would fairly easily find the same again - but nothing like it! Even when I have liked someone enough to kiss them, there is a degree to which I am making myself do it - not in a horrible way (I wouldn't kiss anyone I didn't like or find broadly attractive) but it's never that sane raw, animal passion.

Would love to find that again. Sometimes I really do question how often it happens in a lifetime.....

Are you attracted to the avoidant type maybe?

Not at all x

You're not alone x

After ages of not getting beyond date 2 Planes is seeming really good but I am slightly waiting for it to go 🍐shaped x

@Kaltenzahn I'm literally dying at the mole rat and I will never look at them the same way again.

Poor 🛩✈️ I hope I don't burst out laughing.

ditching bumble for a couple of months. Travelling Scandinavia. In my 50’s want to re write a completely different profile. Hinge, tinder or something else? Not looking for ONS. but if I could get the odd drink for fun? Is this realistic?

I feel that - pending going wrong! Why do we do this to us ha?!

Mr Planes sounds great - it’s easy to say go with it, hard to do - I’ve a good feeling for this though.

Yes I think in Scandinavia it's quite realistic, people are really into companionship there as the lifestyle can get quite lonely and do appreciate that kind of human contact. It's faaaar less transactional and outcome driven.

I've started to wonder recently if I'm attracted to men! Has that ever crossed your mind?

Then again I was outside last couple of days and definitely saw a couple of guys that set my pulse racing... On one occasion I was in the car and the hottest appropriately aged stylish man crossed... I can now relate to scrolling down your window and shouting 'hey sexy, are you single?' I didn't do it but the idea crossed my mind, haha.

Maybe that's why OLD doesn't work for me. I'm only interested in going on dates with people who I'm already attracted to.

Afraid no news on my front, haven't been on any dates this year and have barely met anyone new. I've kind of shut myself away. I spot someone attractive on the street, there's eye contact, and I literally run off to the opposite direction!