The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

It is a long time to wait. I have my kids most of the time and he’s 50/50 and we both have plans on the next available weekend so that’s the soonest we can meet. I suggested we book it in and keep in touch then firm up nearer the time so still quite a loose arrangement.

May as well keep on the back burner as Noodles hasn’t worked out. Mr Footy wants to meet but I’m not sure about him. He seems nice but a bit laddish. No other irons atm.

I admit I find FWB hard as if I’m not that into them I end up being not massively bothered about meeting up but if I am then I can’t help falling for them and find it hurtful that they don’t want more. I suppose you’ve got to keep checking in with yourself to make sure feelings don’t develop too much. That aside he sounds a good catch with his looks and skillset!

@BoxOfCats MrC sounds awesome and above 99% of men 😁

@Pleasegivemyheadawobble the gym guy sounds to me like he's after a hookup which is all good if it's what you want too.

I have deleted my app profiles and apps 6 dates in. May be previous but I can only manage one guy at a time and he says he's not dating anyone else.

🛩✈️ wants to see me a LOT which is lovely, and while my kids don't know/haven't met him I've had to say no to some of his offers.

Also, not wanting to rush into letting someone become a fixture in my life then letting me down potentially.

That sounds sensible @Nosdacariad. It’s nice he’s keen to meet so enjoy it but keep it on your terms.

@NosdacariadGreat to hear it’s working out so well! I think it’s sensible not to rush anything at this early stage. I’ve definitely been burned by getting too invested too early on before.

Yes Mr C is awesome. Which is the main problem really 😩 I need to get him out of my system!

That is not okay. Block him, obvs. This happened to me on Linkedin. I mean, a no is a no, on any platform. Be reassured it's rare that this happens, but it does.

You have not ruined anything. So much can break down with texting, which is why I don't like doing it except to make arrangements (and I tell men that) but if you are going to do it, try and judge the connection on what happens in person. Some of the loveliest people I know are crap texters. If you like the man who sits across from you (the one who gives you a "magical time") try and not judge the phone action too much. If I had done that, Mr Soughdough and I would have been toast (ha ha) early on.

Not every one of those six matches would have aligned perfectly for you over time either. Words are powerful, so let's find another way to say that they "lose interest," how about, "they weren't a match after all?" The interest has to be equal to really work, and although rejection is horrible, and it is I know, it is also clarity, it makes way for the right person to step in and up for you. You don't need a thicker skin btw, go ahead and feel all the feelings at the time that you need to, that's fine, as long as you brush yourself off and get back out there, because six no fits do not get to determine your future!

Mr Noodles knew you had younger kids before your date? Then Mr Noodles needs to step up and own his own boundaries around blended family dynamics, that's not for you to monitor and manage. I don't swap numbers until I have met them in person, and how they respond to that information on the apps will tell you a lot. Mr Soughdough was cool about it, another man who I was talking to at the same time was not, guess who I am still dating? It's not Mr Angry App man who didn't get his own way! Also be mindful that on WA your location can be available unless you go in and change that.

This is great advice, and also...location is available on whatsapp?!

I agree, "ENM" seems to be becoming more of a thing. And I do feel it's often just a cover for cheating, but not always......

I went on a really nice date with a guy I called Mr NHS, who said from the start he wanted ENM - he said he is seeing two women who are married but in open relationships, and also wants to keep dating others. It's on his profile so I guess pretty open. He was a really nice guy in many ways, and I was almost tempted, but I don't think I could live with it - I would eventually want to be someone's main priority.

To be fair, if I wanted a non-exclusive relationship I could have this with my most recent ex (who I still have feelings for). He has made it clear he would carry on seeing me, but he is seeing a couple of other women too (who do know about each other and are happy to not be exclusive - he actually showed me texts to prove this when I accused him of lying about it!)

I guess if lots of people, men and women, are increasingly happy with this type of relationship, then that's good in a way as everyone is getting what they want. But I also wonder if it's kind of the course of least resistance, and a lot of people settle for it maybe because it seems easier than building a committed relationship in the current dating climate? If that makes sense .....

But it's not for me. I don't need exclusivity the minute I start dating someone, but once it gets serious I definitely want to be their only focus.....

This is lovely news. You deserve happiness!

But yes, always keep something in reserve - advice a friend's mom gave me when I was in my late teens, that would have stood me in very good stead if I had only listened to it!

I've got a couple of irons on the go at the moment, neither of whom I have met yet:

Mr Builder - wants to take me out for drinks next week. Seems a salt of the earth fella - nice, straightforward, attractive.

Mr Beach - he's interesting and we definitely have things in common. Also wants to take me out, but our schedules won't align till half term.

Feeling pretty positive about both - no hint of sex chat or any obvious red flags - both quite interesting and regular comms - both making me feel like taking me out will be a genuine pleasure! (I have reflected after chatting about it on here, and am going to make this one of my prerequisites - not going to go on any more dates which are billed as job interviews! )

Good decision @Ilovelurchers x

Thank you Rubber Duck - very kind. And all the rest of you.

We happen to have a distinct text thing - no morning/night/had crunchy nut cornflakes - thank the Lord (my preference lol!) but we do occasionally have super long texts re politics or something. He’s pretty present in whatever he’s doing so if either of us are busy then it’s 0 texts for a couple of days - mainly works but sometimes- whilst we don’t know each other so well I guess - there is misunderstanding- normally easily rectified.

This time he’s away, it’s what he does, I guess I assumed he would mainly be present away and not want thoughts of having to keep in touch - so I said that - realised too late how much of a fuck off, see you next week, it sounded haha - and liable to make him think I am actually bothered by the whole away thing - I’m so not but I got impression he seems to think I could be with stuff such as this once before - that was cleared easy enough - my sense of humour sometimes might be hard to read I guess or maybe he has an influencing past too haha!

Good lord - any excuse to discuss him it seems! Anyway - radio silence to my ‘explain me’ text for a day but he messaged in a normal way this am - so it’s forgot - fortunately I went on a counter protest massively long day yesterday so that left no room for staring at phone and seeing how I could get it back to ok - sigh text is difficult and you’ve got it right I think. Generally ours is ok now - just this holiday one was taking navigation!

I don’t actually worry re much at all - but texts still can have that effect!

So many updates - just catching up - nice on a morning I just can’t be arsed to get on with much lol.

Or really nice for some - @Nosdacariad- sounds fab, pleased it’s going well.

@rubberduck68- I have answered you in a full post but didn’t mention I’m so pleased it’s good

@Ilovelurchers- I think you’re not doing so bad - 2 potentials for us to be updated on too 😃

@BoxOfCats- I get easily attached - if I’m not it’s pretty pointless anyhow lol. Good cook, good in bed is really a great standard - but do protect your heart. I also can’t get on with other dates if my mind is harking on still with someone else - I stopped dating whilst hooked on one as it wasn’t fair - ideally I would have banished the one I was hooked on but the heart sometimes wants just what it wants.

So I have myself 3 irons….do we call them irons when we’ve just started chatting?

Mr Bushes…..started chatting on Friday night and he seems nice and normal so far! I didn’t hear from him yesterday however there was a massive sporting event on in my city and I didn’t expect to hear much anyway! He sent a message earlier this morning though.

Mr Injured - (Just got out of hospital yesterday after surgery 🙃). He actually matches my personality and energy really well! Messages have been flowing with lots of banter although it kind of reminds me of the banter I had with my ex, who I admit I would run to if he ever asked me back. I’ll keep a close eye with this one as I don’t want to be looking to him as a bit of a clone, if that makes sense?

Mr Tennis - So this is a strange one 🙈 Been chatting and he seems really nice. He mentioned last night that he sometimes plays tennis at the club very close to me…..and it suddenly clicked into place that I’ve chatted with him before, probably about 2-2.5 years ago before I met my ex 😬🙈 I asked if he remembered me and he said yes!! He must’ve thought I was doing the whole “sexy stranger” thing 😂 I wonder why we stopped speaking? It’s annoying the life out of me not knowing.

Hope everyone has a lovely Sunday, lots of fab updates so far!

@MsJinks messaging is so difficult, particularly when it’s early on … I tend to read too much into things

Lovely updates to read from everyone this morning!

I had my 6th date with Mr Singer and stayed overnight last night, he’s lovely and again made loads of effort, we’ve been dating a month now.
i suppose I feel like things aren’t progressing further than what they are though.

Its letting me practice an “easy breezy” approach though which is a bit outside my usual comfort zone but definitely refreshing!

All very exciting - all sound promising in different ways!

Have any of them mentioned a date yet?

I totally get what you are saying about men who remind you of your ex. I am massively tempted to go and find a carbon copy of mine (as if I ever could - he really is a one off!). But I also try to remind myself that if a man is too much like him, the same problems will also be there..... I guess the ideal is to learn from every relationship, and look for the good aspects next time, without the bad?

It's not easy, tho. Also, the familiar always holds a special attraction I think.

Weirdly, Mr Beach reminds me quite a lot of my daughter's dad. That's not a relationship I would ever go back to, but there WERE good things about it (obviously, we were together 10 years). And I think the familiarity of that aspect is probably making him more attractive to me, if that makes sense? Even though Hell would freeze over before I would get back with daughter's dad. (Much as we are amicable at this point).

Yes these are irons. Good job xxx

This is good news - may I ask what kind of progression you would like at this point that you aren't feeling currently? Is it exclusive for example? (And would you like it to be?).

To me, 6 dates in would be the kind of time when I would be starting to think about it as a relationship, if that makes sense? But everyone is different and there is no right or wrong in these matters.....

I'm noticing this too. I think brains get wired into a type.

For ages I was only going for MrX types but 🛩✈️ is rugby build and at a gig last night I found myself enamoured of one of the band who looked a bit like planes.

Who BTW I plan to know in the biblical sense next weekend so please send ✈️ rather than 🛩 vibes

I like this advice re. Exchanging numbers. I have always been quick to suggest it in the past, but often regretted it as it makes it somehow makes it psychologically harder to block when they show red flags - blocking on the app is a lot easier.

And I guess it's a good test of whether they have the right attitude towards women - ie. Recognise that dating is statistically more of a risky business for us, and that we need to prioritise our safety. I have no interest in a pushy man who doesn't get that.

I've already swapped numbers with Mr Builder, not with Mr Beaches, and I think going forwards I will keep things on the app until the first date. If that goes well, that's a good time to swap numbers I reckon.

This thread is really helpful and thanks to everyone for sharing their experience and hard-earned wisdom so honestly and compassionately! Xx

It’s sounding really good Betsy. Different things move at different paces I think, and just 6 dates, it’s really nice that it’s so easy and fun. I think it’s probably the best/most ideal way to date - not that I’ve managed that since my 20s - do we think things often move faster now?

Guess I noticed some changes with Mr Tree with how he’d randomly update me with something in his life, rather than just political novels or short arrangement ones. How he’s filled in some of his background- just like casually but not his opening line on a subject - I’ve probably done the same. I’m pretty glad of the holiday (except the bloody text lol) as quite intense in some areas but not very sure where that takes us or goes and that’s ok - but it’s still early doors so a forced dial back is good really.

Text debacle solved - thank god.

But anyway it is good for us to find other ways of dating and see what we like best too perhaps? Though probably that goes out the window in every next and new relationship so maybe it’s not useful idk lol.

Keep enjoying - and keep updating!

Well I suppose I would like a bit of sense of direction soon, everything has been really good and consistent, but we still only arrange seeing eachother one date at a time.

It would be nice to have a bit more of an assumption that we are going to be spending time together and planning a bit further ahead if that makes sense?

I always ignore requests to go on WhatsApp- early on I got my first dick pic that way - so stupid I wasn’t sure what it was so enlarged it 🙈🤢 lol

But all round I feel more awkward if they’re on my phone than on the app as if they’re now a ‘friend’ already - I also don’t like text chat instead of (hopefully) longer/thought out OLD messages before you’ve met.

I do exchange on day of date for emergency updates basically- if a couple of days before in preparation for date then I studiously ignore text in favour of OLD messaging.

I probably should explain myself upfront though.