The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I’ve told him I have ltd dates free in the next fortnight. Chatted all night. 1st time I’ve lol’d.

Something in the water? Or the sun?@duckingclueless@Chocolatefreakand @empirebiscuits12- good to hear. Looking forward to updates.

Opposite here - must be different water haha! So had a magical time with Mr Tree Wednesday/Thursday - so nice - he then went away yesterday, it’s what he does, go away alone - that’s genuinely absolutely fine with me - if it went further I’d enjoy those weeks here on a break haha. I was so keen to make it clear that I’m ok if he’s one who switches his phone off or doesn’t text I sent a proper freeze text 🙈 - realised when I got a text from him, pretty much a mirror of my general ‘ok you don’t bother, fine’ early texts back last night. Bit differently phrased - and I did what no one should do panic texted explaining myself - not totally for me, I felt I’d been really mean to him on what is supposed to be R and R - sigh - which must be off putting - and probably makes him think I do actually mind 🙈 We will see what’s next. Disappointing I ruined a perfect time within 24 hrs lol.

How do I grow a thicker skin when they loose interest? This must be the 6th one. It’s affecting my self esteeem

Try not to worry about it - these things happen. You have been seeing Tree for a while now - if he can't cope with a bit of genuine emotion from you, he probably isn't the man for you.

But you may be reading more into the whole exchange than he is - in fact if you are anything like me that will certainly happen.

For now, try not to worry about it too much. Easier said than done sometimes I know!

It's difficult - you have to remember, they aren't necessarily "losing" interest, and certainly not in you specifically. Plenty of men on the apps aren't actually in a position to date (married or in relationship, for example) but for some reason they like to pursue things up to a certain point, just for that little ego boost. Bur then they panic, and so they cut us off and pretend it never happened. (Until they do it again with someone else).

When someone goes cold on me I always assume that's what's happened, anyway! No way could it be a problem with my sparkling personality! It's a problem with them, not me......

It's hard, I used to see it as a numbers game, like 'Well I've chatted to 16 men in 2 days & they've all disappeared so what's wrong with me?!'

I really had to kind of train my brain, in a way, to see it differently. 'Out of those 16 men, 5 were probably married, 5 were probably wasting time because they were bored, maybe 3 were just looking for sex & realised that I'm not up for that, & the other 3 maybe decided that I'm not for them but unmatched instead of saying anything. That's ok. It was just 3 men'.

Kind of thing. Once I got that into my head it became much easier. The most i'll think now is something like 'Oh. He's gone. I liked him. Oh well, he was probably married or something anyway'.

(All of that said, it's also ok to take a break if you need one)

Great updates!
Mr Producers sounds promising and @MsJinks I expect it was water off a duck's back.
@bellalou1234 it's not about you 99.9% of the time but I do get that feeling xxx

Awww. I wouldn’t overthink it - sounds like a minor thing.

I was feeling exactly like this a few weeks ago. Been at this for about 2 months, which is the longest I’ve been online before finding someone I was willing to delete my account for. (Have been on and off about 4/5 times over the years).

Ive had so many men disappear on me online. Some have clearly been because I wouldn’t up my flirt game to sex chat, and they’ve deleted before I got there first! One man it turns out, was seeing someone already for 6 weeks. Some men have had “long term” on their profile but most likely that wasn’t their intention….just gets them more likes than “short term fun”. Any number of reasons.

But like the others have said, it’s about reframing how you think about it. A lot of the time it’s about the man, and only sometimes it’s about the connection or lack of. You’ll not “click” with everyone and that’s okay, it’s natural.

Keep your chin up my love, we’re all here to support. Do you have any examples of where the chats were prior to them disappearing, and we could advise more specifically?

So I had my date with Mr Noodles and it seemed to go well but I found him a bit difficult to read. He said mentioned about me having younger kids a couple of times - his are grown up - and it sounds like blended family dynamics ended his last relationship so not sure if he is seeing that as an amber flag. We both texted after the date so I guess I’ll see if he suggests meeting again.

Also trying to get a date in with Mr Cyclist but due to various diary clashes / us both having school aged kids we can’t get a date in until June which is a bit of a bummer.

Mr Footy is away but has suggested swapping numbers and arranging something. Do you all move to WhatsApp at this stage or do you stay on the app?

@empirebiscuits12 Completely agree. I seem to be matching with men who say they want long term then switch the conversation quite quickly to telling me they’re either a Dom or Sub. In more detail than I’d ever want. I’m using the block button quite heavily at the moment. There are a lot of them!
Even though I rarely swipe right it seems those I do match with are all unsuitable so I’m not sure that burned haystack actually works I’ve had one who can’t spell and that’s given me the ick. My friend tried to persuade me to keep going but she’s single and has far worse judgment than me so that not happening.
One who has switched to mocking his perception of my accent when we’ve never even met?! And one who has admitted already he’s lied on his profile.
I’m getting daily matches but screening out within 24 hours.
I’m probably going to take a break as I’ve got quite a lot on socially over the next few weeks so not a lot of free time to meet. Although I doubt any of what I’ve got planned would result in meeting guys in the wild.

I decline to swap numbers until we meet. This avoids endless whatsapp penpals

How did you feel about Noodles yourself - would you like to see him again? I don't know about you, but I find myself often concentrating so much on whether they liked me, that I almost forget to properly ask myself whether or not I actually liked them, enough to really want to see them again ....

Interesting that it's not just me who gets all the BDSM enthusiasts! I wondered if it was because my profile says I am open minded. (I am reluctant to remove that, because actually it is an aspect of my personality that I like about myself - but so often matches seem to just interpret it in a purely sexual sense).

But maybe it's nothing to do with that, maybe the apps are just crawling with BDSM enthusiasts.....

I'm pretty tolerant of people's kinks, and in a relationship definitely open to trying stuff, but it really puts me off when they bring this stuff up before I have even got anywhere near thinking they might be someone I might want to have sex with ....

I seem to have quite a lot of couples liking my profile, looking for a third person. I have absolutely nothing on my profile to suggest this is something I may be interested in.

Or just men who have “ethical non monogamy” on their profiles. There’s loads of them that I’m seeing in general, not just those who like me.

This isn’t something I would be content with, but when did this become such a big thing?

@empirebiscuits12 I don’t think there’s anything ethical about the type of ENM they want, it’s anyone and everyone! There’s so many of them using this as a euphemism to cheat.
@Ilovelurchers There’s nothing on my profile that suggests this is what I’d want. Especially not 3 messages in when I get paragraphs about them dominating me! I think I preferred it when I got matches that didn’t chat 😂
I do have a couple of guys I know IRL who have liked me and I’m not sure whether to go there. One is a sort of ex from years ago, although it never went far. One is a local guy who knows a lot of my friends but has been dating for years and never stayed with anyone long term. But he’s a good laugh so maybe I need something casual to ease me back into things.

Hi all. Been following for a little while and decided it was time to jump in!

I've been OLD for about a year after a long break following my divorce, meaning that it was about 20 years since I last dated and never using apps.

It's been an interesting experience, and I definitely recognise a lot of the challenges others refer to - penpals, ghosting, men wanting to get to sex chat before ever meeting in person.

I've actually now come across someone in the wild. We go to the same gym, and a week or so ago he told me when he would next be there and suggested I came to the same session. I did, and he asked if I wanted to grab a drink afterwards. We had a couple of drinks, was nice, then I had to leave. He indicated he'd had a good time. He said something else about living alone and having time to hang out if I wanted to get in touch - I can't remember exactly the wording but I said something like "you too".

I haven't seen him since - we haven't crossed over at the gym. We haven't swapped numbers, but we are on a shared group so he could contact me.

My instinct is to leave it, as if he wants to meet up again he could get in touch. But then I have a free evening tomorrow and quite fancy seeing him for a drink. Should I ask him?

Welcome @Pleasegivemyheadawobble
Meeting men in the wild is quite rare so I wouldn’t give up yet. It sounds like you both enjoyed it and he might just be out of practice.
If you’re not going to bump into each other, one of you is probably going to have to message. There’s no reason why you can’t, and then you’ll know. Be brave. Good men are hard to find.
Best of luck.

Thanks @Brightbluesomething

If he's not interested, he'll just politely decline - he's not someone where it would be a problem so you are probably right - I should just be brave.
I think I'll sleep on it and make sure I still think it's a good idea in the morning!

I've really found this thread useful over the last couple of months - dating is way more complicated than I remember!

I’d go for it. Contact him. Just a simple message saying when you’re next going. He can then avoid or join you. Good luck. ❤️

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I would totally go for it!

Been chatting with someone on Tinder, let’s call him Mr Neon. Finding the conversation so dry that I actually can’t be bothered replying. Tempted to just unmatch!

Meanwhile, Mr Charismatic has invited me to dinner at his mid-week again. Don’t know if I’m reading too much into it, but it’s a change in behaviour to want to see me in the middle of the week and so frequently since the last meet (will have been one week by that point). Either he’s got someone (or more) who he’s prioritising for Fri/Sat evenings (prime time date nights?) or he’s busy but making an effort to fit me in. Who knows… 🧐 He’s equally amazing in the kitchen and the bedroom though so I’m not complaining!

I know what you mean. I think I’m the same in being totally focussed on if they like me rather than vice versa.

I had a hectic day yesterday and not much time to reflect but there were a couple of things niggling me about him. I’ve just been analysing it with chat gpt and I actually think some of what he told he about his job / background isn’t true. There are a few things that don’t quite add up. Not sure if he’s a scammer or just embellishing things to sound more impressive but will be blocking regardless!

No wonder we were getting on so well - think he’d read my profile in detail and was doing a really good job of mirroring me. Feel stupid and annoyed now to have fallen for it!

Amazing in the bedroom and kitchen sounds like a winning combination! As long as you can handle it if it doesn’t develop into anything more you might as well enjoy it!

Re Mr Neon I’d unmatch or stop replying. Life’s too short for these drier than the Sahara conversations!

June is a long time to wait for a first date with someone, do you think you’ll wait that long for Mr Cyclist?

Mr Neon has been unmatched. You are right, life’s too short and I just don’t have the energy!

So I definitely have a soft spot for Mr Charismatic. Part of me wishes he would just tell me there no hope of a relationship ever. Rationally I know this is 99% likely to be the case. But because he’s left that particular carrot dangling, my worry is that even if I meet someone I click with, I’m not going to be emotionally available enough to do anything about it 🤦‍♀️ However until that actually happens… yes I am enjoying having lovely dates with him. He’s in incredibly good shape, seems a waste not to take advantage 😂