Page 28 | The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

Nosdacariad · 2026-04-24T11:32:32+00:00

The Rules: -The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating -Develop a thick skin -Do not invest emotionally too soon -It’s all BS until it actually happens -Trust your gut instinct -People vanishing, lying &amp; being generally weird is not your fault -Know your worth -If it's not fun, stop -Loo update is mandatory -No dating the thread -Treat others as you'd like to be treated -Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with -The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future - If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?! -OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Ilovelurchers · 14/05/2026 23:01

One of my newer matches has asked to take me out next week - things are (briefly) looking up, though no doubt tomorrow he will reveal he likes to dress in a French maid's outfit or something, knowing my luck...

I will call him Mr Builder. (Can you guess his job? My names are so unimaginative.) From his pics he looks like my type - a bigger guy, a bit grizzled looking - and comes across in the chat as a nice, steady guy. And he said he'd like to buy me a drink one night next week, which is the sort of date I like - not too heavy but more than just a quick coffee or walk. Anyway, we will see!

duckingclueless · 14/05/2026 23:18

Ilovelurchers · 14/05/2026 20:44

I'm thinking of a cull too. If we know in our gut it's not right, what's the point?

To be honest it's only really Mr Cats I have available to cull - all the others have self-culled (or been blocked for being obsessed with their kinks ). Cats is sweet so I can't put my finger on what puts me off about him, but something does - and in fact, he made a judgemental comment about me watching ITV. Sorry, what now?

I may use the line someone suggested about pursuing things with someone else - that's a nice one and totally non-offensive.

I did a bit more swiping tonight and have a fresh batch to get bored and frustrated and perved on by..... I won't name them yet though, as it seems like tempting fate!

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Watching ITV!!! 😂😂😂😂😂🤦🏻‍♀️

duckingclueless · 14/05/2026 23:23

I have 3 chats now. Mr Holiday Park. (Seems nice but he’s further away than I thought). Mr NDSA. Too young (-12) but I quite like him. And Mr Rural who could well be heading into the dull zone. I’m not making any more matches until my holidays are over. Maybe I’ll meet someone IRL!!!

BoxOfCats · 15/05/2026 02:00

Ilovelurchers · 14/05/2026 21:44

How did you find one in the wild, if you don't mind my asking?

This has increasingly seemed challenging to me and I can't work out if it's my age, the world changing, or a bit of both.

But safe to say, in an entire year and a half, maybe slightly more, of being single, I have only been on one non-OLD-based date - guy who approached me in a pub, got chatting (I was on my own, reading a book, while killing time before a hair appointment) . And I go out not infrequently for drinks with friends, to concerts, theatre etc etc. Am quite open to chatting to people on public transport and so on. But people just don't seem to work like that anymore.....

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You’re doing better than I am!

I think it’s a combination of there being fewer single people my age about (mid 40s), men being much more cautious about how they approach women in person, and my hobbies being very female centric (eg pilates, sewing).

Having said that, I have had men ask me for my number in the wild and when they do that I just panic and run 😩😁 Probably because they’re always at least 10 years younger!

MsJinks · 15/05/2026 06:34

Ilovelurchers · 14/05/2026 20:44

I'm thinking of a cull too. If we know in our gut it's not right, what's the point?

To be honest it's only really Mr Cats I have available to cull - all the others have self-culled (or been blocked for being obsessed with their kinks ). Cats is sweet so I can't put my finger on what puts me off about him, but something does - and in fact, he made a judgemental comment about me watching ITV. Sorry, what now?

I may use the line someone suggested about pursuing things with someone else - that's a nice one and totally non-offensive.

I did a bit more swiping tonight and have a fresh batch to get bored and frustrated and perved on by..... I won't name them yet though, as it seems like tempting fate!

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Haha - ITV - my late (and a tad snobby) Mum nearer the end started judging everything but BBC - she was 90 then.

I had hopes for Mr Cats, I love cats, but I have to own they can be judgy, self absorbed, little bastards - so yes, he will have to go.

Next!

MsJinks · 15/05/2026 06:42

empirebiscuits12 · 14/05/2026 22:30

Ugh, so I think I’m going to have to ditch Mr Deputy.

He has this thing that he calls a “catch up date”. Basically an hour meet-up (NOT A DATE 😂) to determine if there’s any chemistry. And then it will progress to a date if all goes well. Has anyone ever heard of this nonsense? 😂

So I decided to humour him and we’d agreed on a week tomorrow, because of his kid and my work. But it’s actually made me feel weirdly nervous. Obviously I know that dates are a bit like an interview, if you really think about it. But this just feels strange. It’s like he’s interviewing me to see if I’m worth spending more than an hour with??

Since we agreed on this, our messages have kind of dwindled a bit and I’m now picking up zero chemistry. Plus there’s been a couple of times where he’s said in a message “I’ll tell you on our catch up date” if I ask him to elaborate on a story. No tell me now! And that phrase “catch up date” is making me want to reach through my phone and club him 😂😂

Edited

I did coffee dates last time around as a sort of first look prior to longer, potentially unbearable, dates.

I never referred to them as ‘catch up’ dates though I’ve heard them called date 0. I wouldn’t go on an invitation to a ‘catch up’ aka interview date - that too would be unbearable anyway, just shorter!

The phrase itself would also just make me squirm - sometimes a random phrase, text, is all it takes to know - no, never, sealed shut.

Mr Not for Me text after first date and told me he’d had crunchy nut cornflakes for breakfast - no, shut for business - broke my rule and ended up with date 2 about 3 weeks later and that was an error, probably precipitated by that awful text - for me, I know it’s not as dreadful as ‘catch up’ haha.

MsJinks · 15/05/2026 06:43

duckingclueless · 14/05/2026 23:23

I have 3 chats now. Mr Holiday Park. (Seems nice but he’s further away than I thought). Mr NDSA. Too young (-12) but I quite like him. And Mr Rural who could well be heading into the dull zone. I’m not making any more matches until my holidays are over. Maybe I’ll meet someone IRL!!!

No, no dull! You deserve much more.

Wild might be on offer - might not - but the holiday will be great anyway - enjoy.

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 15/05/2026 07:43

NervesOfCotton · 14/05/2026 13:49

Nosdacariad Well that's good.
When are you next meeting?

Edited

Last night, and tonght 😁

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Original poster

Nosdacariad · 15/05/2026 07:44

duckingclueless · 14/05/2026 14:51

I messaged one guy and said that I was moving forward with someone else I was chatting with (not true) he was so grateful not to be ghosted I will continue with that approach. They are sweet enough. Just boring. Maybe it’s me?

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No it's really not you.

There is an expectation on us to carry the conversation.

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Original poster

Nosdacariad · 15/05/2026 07:49

empirebiscuits12 · 14/05/2026 22:30

Ugh, so I think I’m going to have to ditch Mr Deputy.

He has this thing that he calls a “catch up date”. Basically an hour meet-up (NOT A DATE 😂) to determine if there’s any chemistry. And then it will progress to a date if all goes well. Has anyone ever heard of this nonsense? 😂

So I decided to humour him and we’d agreed on a week tomorrow, because of his kid and my work. But it’s actually made me feel weirdly nervous. Obviously I know that dates are a bit like an interview, if you really think about it. But this just feels strange. It’s like he’s interviewing me to see if I’m worth spending more than an hour with??

Since we agreed on this, our messages have kind of dwindled a bit and I’m now picking up zero chemistry. Plus there’s been a couple of times where he’s said in a message “I’ll tell you on our catch up date” if I ask him to elaborate on a story. No tell me now! And that phrase “catch up date” is making me want to reach through my phone and club him 😂😂

Edited

Is he a civil servant?!

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Original poster

Nosdacariad · 15/05/2026 07:57

All doing well ditching and dating.

✈️🛩 mentioned a woman friend last night at drinks in the pub and (I had not reacted in any way, because why would I) he quickly said "don't worry, she's no competition".

Now I have asked gently about his ex he sees a lot who lives over the road, but reasonably and gently.

This feels a bit "I'm the prize" for BHDM followers.

I considered just leaving but did the mature thing and pulled him up on it.

He also let slip his Mum demanded to see his bank statements...99.9% of Mums I know would only do that if their kid asked for a loan/was in the financial doodoo.

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TheThingOnTheIce · 15/05/2026 08:04

@Nosdacariad i really don’t like the sound of this one . Red flags so early

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 15/05/2026 08:12

TheThingOnTheIce · 15/05/2026 08:04

@Nosdacariad i really don’t like the sound of this one . Red flags so early

Which 🚩in particular?

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Polly1979 · 15/05/2026 08:14

empirebiscuits12 · 14/05/2026 22:30

Ugh, so I think I’m going to have to ditch Mr Deputy.

He has this thing that he calls a “catch up date”. Basically an hour meet-up (NOT A DATE 😂) to determine if there’s any chemistry. And then it will progress to a date if all goes well. Has anyone ever heard of this nonsense? 😂

So I decided to humour him and we’d agreed on a week tomorrow, because of his kid and my work. But it’s actually made me feel weirdly nervous. Obviously I know that dates are a bit like an interview, if you really think about it. But this just feels strange. It’s like he’s interviewing me to see if I’m worth spending more than an hour with??

Since we agreed on this, our messages have kind of dwindled a bit and I’m now picking up zero chemistry. Plus there’s been a couple of times where he’s said in a message “I’ll tell you on our catch up date” if I ask him to elaborate on a story. No tell me now! And that phrase “catch up date” is making me want to reach through my phone and club him 😂😂

Edited

The catch up date thing is a definite ick even if lots of other people do this in effect but call it a date. Just not sexy to feel like you’re being interviewed to see if you qualify for an official date. No wonder your enthusiasm has waned. Plus the deferring everything to the ‘catch up’ sounds like he can’t be bothered to put the effort in until you’ve passed the ‘test.’ Sounds like an unmatch to me.

TheThingOnTheIce · 15/05/2026 08:17

All of them
oddly close relationship with an ex and the mentioning of another female friend followed by ‘she not competition’ without any prompt from you .
and a grown man having his mother demand to see his financials?!?!

MsJinks · 15/05/2026 08:49

TheThingOnTheIce · 15/05/2026 08:17

All of them
oddly close relationship with an ex and the mentioning of another female friend followed by ‘she not competition’ without any prompt from you .
and a grown man having his mother demand to see his financials?!?!

I’d possibly let the girl in the pub comment pass by as maybe he was just (crassly) trying to say you’re the only one on his radar - maybe in light of your mild query re ex last week?

The ex I’d see how it played out as he was reassuring enough before.

The sharing bank statements with Mum - I’d be wondering if their relationship was a bit enmeshed - maybe as I’m watching a similar ish thing around my own family partner - and my first husband would also have done this - weird relationship with ma didn’t help our admittedly already dreadful relationship ha. So that may be a me thing.

How you feeling about it @Nosdacariad? That’s the main thing. You know him and have had the dates - he has otherwise seemed promising I think.

Hope you solve it as works for you - don’t forget you are the prize!

OneShyQuail · 15/05/2026 08:56

empirebiscuits12 · 14/05/2026 22:30

Ugh, so I think I’m going to have to ditch Mr Deputy.

He has this thing that he calls a “catch up date”. Basically an hour meet-up (NOT A DATE 😂) to determine if there’s any chemistry. And then it will progress to a date if all goes well. Has anyone ever heard of this nonsense? 😂

So I decided to humour him and we’d agreed on a week tomorrow, because of his kid and my work. But it’s actually made me feel weirdly nervous. Obviously I know that dates are a bit like an interview, if you really think about it. But this just feels strange. It’s like he’s interviewing me to see if I’m worth spending more than an hour with??

Since we agreed on this, our messages have kind of dwindled a bit and I’m now picking up zero chemistry. Plus there’s been a couple of times where he’s said in a message “I’ll tell you on our catch up date” if I ask him to elaborate on a story. No tell me now! And that phrase “catch up date” is making me want to reach through my phone and club him 😂😂

Edited

I mean its one thing to know this is how your handling a first date (each to thdir own) but to blatantly label it like this with the explanation too would also make me shut down 🤨 yuck.

Even a coffee/day first date is a privilege. Yeah it might not lead to anything but two people have still invested precious time and energy to get there. At least appreciate it for what it is, rather than a test 🤦‍♀️

OneShyQuail · 15/05/2026 08:58

Ilovelurchers · 14/05/2026 21:44

How did you find one in the wild, if you don't mind my asking?

This has increasingly seemed challenging to me and I can't work out if it's my age, the world changing, or a bit of both.

But safe to say, in an entire year and a half, maybe slightly more, of being single, I have only been on one non-OLD-based date - guy who approached me in a pub, got chatting (I was on my own, reading a book, while killing time before a hair appointment) . And I go out not infrequently for drinks with friends, to concerts, theatre etc etc. Am quite open to chatting to people on public transport and so on. But people just don't seem to work like that anymore.....

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Of course I dont mind. It was through work, we dont do the same job but our paths crossed several times and we just started chatting.

OneShyQuail · 15/05/2026 09:00

Nosdacariad · 15/05/2026 07:43

Last night, and tonght 😁

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Ooooo tell all

Edited just read more 🤦‍♀️ yeah not great, you can do better 😘

empirebiscuits12 · 15/05/2026 09:26

Ilovelurchers · 14/05/2026 22:50

I have to say, I think my vagina would instantly and permanently clamp shut, for a man who thought it was appropriate to keep using this phrase.... (Sorry, that may sound a little extreme, but I am actually quite outraged on your behalf)

This may sound a little old fashioned, but I think having a date with someone is a privilege and an enjoyable prospect, and should be treated as such - not as a grudging expense of your time given in order to vet someone for future dating suitability...

And yes, I have come across this attitude in the past (though not to the extent of someone giving it a special name).

I mean, yes, in reality a first date is always a bit of a scoping mission for both (as well as, hopefully, a fun social occasion). But there is no need to be so grudging about it - make the whole thing sound so unromantic and clinical....

You 100% deserve better. A man who, from the get go, makes you feel like you are the prize, and that he realises that it's a bit of a privilege to get the chance of a date with you....

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Yep that’s exactly how I felt when he said that. He’s got his child this weekend and had said he could “ask gran” to watch them for an hour to “quickly squeeze in our catch up date”. I said no! I don’t want to be squeezed in anywhere!!

And you’re right, I deserve more than this. I get that some people are okay with this kind of set up but the fact that the conversation has dwindled too while I anticipate being tested, it’s a no from me.

I suppose because we arranged an actual day and time for this, I should let him know I’m no longer interested. I don’t want to just unmatch without a word.

empirebiscuits12 · 15/05/2026 09:27

MsJinks · 15/05/2026 06:42

I did coffee dates last time around as a sort of first look prior to longer, potentially unbearable, dates.

I never referred to them as ‘catch up’ dates though I’ve heard them called date 0. I wouldn’t go on an invitation to a ‘catch up’ aka interview date - that too would be unbearable anyway, just shorter!

The phrase itself would also just make me squirm - sometimes a random phrase, text, is all it takes to know - no, never, sealed shut.

Mr Not for Me text after first date and told me he’d had crunchy nut cornflakes for breakfast - no, shut for business - broke my rule and ended up with date 2 about 3 weeks later and that was an error, probably precipitated by that awful text - for me, I know it’s not as dreadful as ‘catch up’ haha.

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It’s definitely given me the ick, big time 😂😂

empirebiscuits12 · 15/05/2026 09:29

Nosdacariad · 15/05/2026 07:49

Is he a civil servant?!

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He’s a deputy head teacher. I normally go for more “rough around the edges” kind of guys but thought I’d deviate from my type, thinking that was where I was going wrong. I had actually skipped past him several times on Hinge and this was one of the reasons.

empirebiscuits12 · 15/05/2026 09:30

OneShyQuail · 15/05/2026 08:56

I mean its one thing to know this is how your handling a first date (each to thdir own) but to blatantly label it like this with the explanation too would also make me shut down 🤨 yuck.

Even a coffee/day first date is a privilege. Yeah it might not lead to anything but two people have still invested precious time and energy to get there. At least appreciate it for what it is, rather than a test 🤦‍♀️

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Yes it was the labelling and saying he’d try to squeeze me in during his weekend with his child.

Betsy95 · 15/05/2026 10:50

Polly1979 · 15/05/2026 08:14

The catch up date thing is a definite ick even if lots of other people do this in effect but call it a date. Just not sexy to feel like you’re being interviewed to see if you qualify for an official date. No wonder your enthusiasm has waned. Plus the deferring everything to the ‘catch up’ sounds like he can’t be bothered to put the effort in until you’ve passed the ‘test.’ Sounds like an unmatch to me.

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I agree

Dating shouldn’t feel like being on “The Apprentice” and having to pass different tests and interviews. I really struggle with that concept whereby people seem to go in with processes that include various stages or checklists.

Original poster

Nosdacariad · 15/05/2026 10:53

empirebiscuits12 · 15/05/2026 09:26

Yep that’s exactly how I felt when he said that. He’s got his child this weekend and had said he could “ask gran” to watch them for an hour to “quickly squeeze in our catch up date”. I said no! I don’t want to be squeezed in anywhere!!

And you’re right, I deserve more than this. I get that some people are okay with this kind of set up but the fact that the conversation has dwindled too while I anticipate being tested, it’s a no from me.

I suppose because we arranged an actual day and time for this, I should let him know I’m no longer interested. I don’t want to just unmatch without a word.

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In BHDM they call this something like "I'm a very busy man" basically expects arrangements to hang on his plans because he is soooo busy. Yuck.

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