The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I missed the non call but glad it’s sorted - he certainly seems very interested. I can accept falling asleep - I have a lot of Nan naps haha.

Looking forward to 2 updates then!

Oh you should be here - tell us how it’s done lol. It’s great to hear the other side - and you have such good advice too!

Dull is just the worst. Kill them and regroup - don’t feel guilty at all - everyone on OLD is just testing the waters with others - if it’s a no go better now than later too. It’s hard to say I know - I much prefer to hide from that ha but it’s fast and painless.

Ah bless you 🫶

Great advice ❤️
@duckingclueless try and get out of feeling guilty. Yes you are nice person so feel guilty but try and remember these people are strangers and you owe them nothing. They might not give you the same courtesy xx

As much as I can tell. He does get up very early.

Nosdacariad Well that's good.
When are you next meeting?

I messaged one guy and said that I was moving forward with someone else I was chatting with (not true) he was so grateful not to be ghosted I will continue with that approach. They are sweet enough. Just boring. Maybe it’s me?

I messaged a guy asking for a date - saying I had had a date with someone and I was now going on a 2nd date - and said I would see how this deal breaker date went - this was actually true as it happens, but I got a nice reply - happened he’d been on a first date same night but no 2nd for him with that one - so whilst true in that instance I think it’s a good one to try in some form or another when appropriate.

Otoh if not true there’s the risk they may see you’re still on the dating site - but they’re never gonna ask - well I wouldn’t I know!

But it’s a nice reason to bin out and it stops them waiting for something they’re never getting.

And missed the end!

Its not you - it may/may not be them - essentially you’re not clicking at all on any level - there’s a bit of a buzz I think with someone you can connect with - bouncing off each other a bit and enjoying it. Otherwise no point.

You will find it - but you’re the prize deserving of it too.

@BoxOfCats maybe if Mr Nomad is away until August it might give you some time to reflect... also, Mr Charismatic does sound like a good fit for you, in lots of ways. I guess if you're about to move a whole lot closer that might make or break it?!

Hot and Beige has sent some sms in place of WhatsApp, saying something about his network 🤔His messages continue to be pretty vacuous. I think the profile of his twin is just an old profile that he's forgotten about. I woould like to ask him about it but it looks increasingly unlikely we'll meet. Meanwhile, Mr Producer has been warm and charming, sending me little snippets of his day. I'm meeting him tomorrow. Still think he might be a bit old and far away though. Also have a few new chats going, including with a widower. He seems fairly business-like and determined. I'll call him Mr Motivated.

Does anyone else sometimes swipe right on people due to their proximity/convenience?!

I’ve gone incognito for now. I’m away next month so will give travel mode a try…

Definitely swipe right on proximity. I live in a city. I’ll go out of town a bit if they particularly appeal, if they live out of town there pool is smaller.

Hot and Beige sounds increasingly like a limp fish, are you sure you wan to keep messaging him?

Proximity definitely helps, but I would definitely have to still be keen on their profile to swipe right. If I’m feeling a bit “meh” about heir profile then it’s unlikely I’ll actually message them even if we match.

Yes having Mr Charismatic practically on my doorstep will either be amazing or terrible depending on how things work out with us 😁 Having said that, he only lived a 10 min drive from me until now anyway.

Yes, sounds like you and I want basically the same thing! I am quite independent and self sufficient, I like my own space and while I don’t have kids I have a busy life (full on job, very physically active, lots of hobbies). Mr Charismatic is exactly the same, very independent, so has been single a good 6 years now.

I think he basically just wants to play the field at the moment, after a long period of not dating due to his dad passing away and other stressful life stuff. He’s an absolute delight to date - very present and thoughtful when I see him, the perfect gentleman, amazing chemistry. So in many ways it absolutely works for me to keep seeing him. But I do want the emotional connection you describe as well as exclusivity.

And yes, at least he has a good coffee machine, haha! We are both coffee nerds (I worked for global coffee companies for a number of years) so have enjoyed many a morning coffee together.

Yes definitely- I had nearly a 10 year situationship that did tbf dwindle to next to nothing for the last 3. So I saw him most weeks, holidayed occasionally with him, and did sometimes help each other - it was ok till I could no longer bear his chat lol. But even so it wasn’t what I ‘wanted’ exactly - generally though wonder if I can find that, or something that suits enough.

I felt either it’d now be nothing, which I was ok enough with, or just some nice dates - but ideally I do want this emotionally but not fully physical (as in space sharing) relationship.

I’ve actually lived without a partner since 30 - kids were there at first and for ages - now alone in a small flat and love that - work p/t, go campaigning, see grandkids, training in holistic therapy and I guess I’m busy and happy like you - I honestly can’t envisage sharing my space, insanely tidy cupboards, insanely messy floors 🙈 lol - having said this I am really enjoying Mr Tree at least too haha and must keep remembering not to have expectations- he’s lived alone 6 years and likes it that way now though too so.

We will find the one who complements our lives though - well one each ha!

@MsJinks That’s a lovely expression. “Who compliments our lives”. Great way to look at it. Think I’m too who floats my boat. And they are wronguns.

I’ve spent my life having my boat floated - by wrong ‘uns - I also seem to have passed this trait on to one daughter sadly.

It seems so great at the time though doesn’t it? I know this about myself and known for a long time, and still so easy to fall.

I feel Mr Tree is just all round lovely with none of the flags I have found easy to overlook - but definitely floats my boat a lot too ha - guess we will have to see.

I am confident there’s one that can be ok and float our boats - each and everyone of us.

I'm thinking of a cull too. If we know in our gut it's not right, what's the point?

To be honest it's only really Mr Cats I have available to cull - all the others have self-culled (or been blocked for being obsessed with their kinks ). Cats is sweet so I can't put my finger on what puts me off about him, but something does - and in fact, he made a judgemental comment about me watching ITV. Sorry, what now?

I may use the line someone suggested about pursuing things with someone else - that's a nice one and totally non-offensive.

I did a bit more swiping tonight and have a fresh batch to get bored and frustrated and perved on by..... I won't name them yet though, as it seems like tempting fate!

Every time you use the phrase Hot and Beige it gives me deep joy - I will miss it when you cull him! (But agree on balance that you should.....)

From the outside (and with the caveat that I am shit at life and knowing nothing) to me it seems like Charismatic is the one who has your heart - but caution is good, given his lack of commitedness - keep your powder dry with this one!

Unfortunately though, the heart wants what the heart wants, sometimes..... And it won't be told otherwise.

I like that approach! 😃
I used to find the innane chats at 8pm when kids are in bed and all i really wanted to do was switch off and watch tv or game a bit very dull too and sometimes its a real struggle to find the enthusiasm.

I did OLD for a good year and a bit on and off and had some success, one exclusive span of about 8 dates, one long distance bit of fun over 3 months, and other run of about 8 dates, interspersed with some really good 1st dates (1 guy rocking up in a very expensive sports car was one of them 🙈) but mostly by success i mean not meeting any weirdos or catfishes 😂 but I came off in the end because of the monotony and I was just so busy with my children/work/the house i just couldn't be bothered anymore. I think id also reached that point people talk about where you dont feel lonely and are fulfilled by everything else in your life. I figured if I was meant to find someone I would at some point and came off.

Fast forward about 5 months and then I met DP in the wild.

So I totally get what you mean about the monotony 😂

How did you find one in the wild, if you don't mind my asking?

This has increasingly seemed challenging to me and I can't work out if it's my age, the world changing, or a bit of both.

But safe to say, in an entire year and a half, maybe slightly more, of being single, I have only been on one non-OLD-based date - guy who approached me in a pub, got chatting (I was on my own, reading a book, while killing time before a hair appointment) . And I go out not infrequently for drinks with friends, to concerts, theatre etc etc. Am quite open to chatting to people on public transport and so on. But people just don't seem to work like that anymore.....

Ugh, so I think I’m going to have to ditch Mr Deputy.

He has this thing that he calls a “catch up date”. Basically an hour meet-up (NOT A DATE 😂) to determine if there’s any chemistry. And then it will progress to a date if all goes well. Has anyone ever heard of this nonsense? 😂

So I decided to humour him and we’d agreed on a week tomorrow, because of his kid and my work. But it’s actually made me feel weirdly nervous. Obviously I know that dates are a bit like an interview, if you really think about it. But this just feels strange. It’s like he’s interviewing me to see if I’m worth spending more than an hour with??

Since we agreed on this, our messages have kind of dwindled a bit and I’m now picking up zero chemistry. Plus there’s been a couple of times where he’s said in a message “I’ll tell you on our catch up date” if I ask him to elaborate on a story. No tell me now! And that phrase “catch up date” is making me want to reach through my phone and club him 😂😂

I have to say, I think my vagina would instantly and permanently clamp shut, for a man who thought it was appropriate to keep using this phrase.... (Sorry, that may sound a little extreme, but I am actually quite outraged on your behalf)

This may sound a little old fashioned, but I think having a date with someone is a privilege and an enjoyable prospect, and should be treated as such - not as a grudging expense of your time given in order to vet someone for future dating suitability...

And yes, I have come across this attitude in the past (though not to the extent of someone giving it a special name).

I mean, yes, in reality a first date is always a bit of a scoping mission for both (as well as, hopefully, a fun social occasion). But there is no need to be so grudging about it - make the whole thing sound so unromantic and clinical....

You 100% deserve better. A man who, from the get go, makes you feel like you are the prize, and that he realises that it's a bit of a privilege to get the chance of a date with you....