The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

I agree, it’s important to feel in the right place but also sometimes there just isn’t a right time either. It just depends on whether you are okay with handling the ups and downs of OLD on top of everything else.

@Ilovelurchers shame about Mr Radiators, onwards and upwards!

Mr Perfect sounds interesting, get a date locked in!

@Ilovelurchers @Kaltenzahn and all of you, thank you so much for your kind words.

I do feel wretched this morning for cancelling my date at the 11th hour, she was angry and rightly so and sent me a scathing text. I have zero confidence and am very afraid of women not fancying me, and I just could not face another night of being friendzoned by someone, despite me making an effort with attire and being attentive.

Maybe i need to seek out some help, I dont know.

@MsJinks thank you. I got a calm, quite reassuring reply so I'll go this evening.

@Kaltenzahn you nailed that post about our approach to dating. Couldn't have put it better.

@Ilovelurchers fingers crossed for Mr Perfect 😁

@Eesha I understand. My most recent ex was always blowing hot and cold and I never knew where I stood with him. For years. That’s a really stressful way to live.
My life is currently very calm and happy, with only one stressor (a close friend who is very ill, but in treatment). I need downtime and don’t want to see a man every day. But I would like someone to see regularly who has their own life too. But the single men on OLD recently have been awful. A few days on Tinder has shown me a wide range of red flags so I’m not progressing with any of them.

@ForRedShark She’s absolutely right to be angry. Please don’t do this to any more women, it’s really unkind. Perhaps take some time for yourself and wait until you’re in a more confident place before you date. You’re not going to give off the right vibe in your current frame of mind and that will compound the issue.

So sorry to hear about Radiators. What has he said that makes you think he just wants a hook up?

@ForRedShark You can’t approach this as finding a life partner on date 1, reframe it as meeting new friends. But also, don’t be a dick and stand up women.

my update is date 6 this evening which involves an overnight together. I have pre warned not to expect too much but I’m giddy nervous and if it’s right it might happen.

oh, and woke up to an “I miss you” text from ex of 6 months ago.

Is your ex called Henry? (Hoovering)

So (vicariously) excited for you xxx

@Ilovelurchers sorry about Mr Radiators. Hopefully Mr Perfect can more than fill his shoes!

@Nosdacariad the first two dates were good so worth going for a third and you can chat about it all and see what you think.

@coolpattern good luck for date 6!

So the guy who never messaged me back 6 months ago claimed he was over online dating and deleted the app but has just come back. I’m not that inclined to engage with him but he does live very close to me so gets points for convenience.

Still getting on well with Noodles but he does seem a bit intense. Lots of messaging but I’ve said I prefer not to when a date is booked in so let’s see if he respects the boundary and sticks to that.

i hear that. I have recently relocated and lack the amount of connection I need. My insta is full of threads telling me I need to be happy alone first. But I’m not happy alone. I’ve come out of a 30 yr. relationship. I’m doing everything I can to get out there and fill my life (OLD being a small part of that) but I struggle cooking for one. I’m mainly socialising with strangers at meet-up type things and would love that connection. I get therapy and am doing all the right things but it sucks. I’ve had one situationship that went wrong and I’m still a bit hung up on him even though he has more red flags than I can mention. I’m ND and very expressive. I miss sex and Friday nights/ Saturday mornings.

@duckingclueless we sound very similar, I could have written this

Some insta posts suggest that you heal with the right person and learn as you go along. No idea which is right. I have certainly learned from the situationship but the emotions are hard. Just hop Mr Balkans follows through with a concrete date and I will see.

Ive done some research (super cautious when it comes to medication) it seems SRRis are used with good success on PNDD in this manner. Nervous though!

Yes I would feel the exact same as you about Mr Planes situation 😱

I probably wasn’t as kind as some - but you’ve had some great advice and views here.

I’m not sure if I missed how old you are but you might be quite young? You do need to know that OLD isn’t quite - message/meet/fancy/girlfriend / all this fear they won’t fancy you - maybe they won’t and maybe you won’t fancy them - it’s not a race to the bedroom. If you are looking for that there are specific sites for hook ups.

Otherwise, it’s just a testing time of getting messages going, sorting a ‘meet’ more than a ‘date’ and seeing if you both want a second one - it takes time to find someone where you both wish to continue further really.

If I got the message you sent, as someone else said, I’d think you had seen me and thought I was so repulsive you couldn’t sit for 30 minutes talking. It’s a real knock - let alone the time to get ready etc etc.

You definitely need to get expectations around women moderated (and OLD) - you can learn on here/similar/at work etc - if your low self esteem is an issue search online for help out there.

I keep trying to sell Gemini - though it’s free lol - but there’s ChatGPT and Claude - ask them about this stuff that bothers you and you’ll get pretty useful answers and pointers in the right direction - don’t ask your fibbing, bragging friends though!

Ooh - that’s great - looking forward to next update now ha - have a lovely evening.

Sorry about Mr Electric and Mr Radiator - I have to shave my legs for a Reflexology thing tomorrow (to the knee) and I guess for Mr Tree after - too much hassle for an unattractive hook up lol.

BUT they’ve just made way for Mr Perfect! My personal name for Mr Tree - or how I see him in my head - is ‘lovely’ - no other term for him tbh - a bit of a revelation as I don’t do nice guys either lol but he’s fun too so maybe it’s that - and he’s not that OTT nice to you, if you know what I mean.

My daughters give me advice they mainly haven’t taken themselves ha - but listen to her - fingers crossed and keep us updated.

I keep reading about men like your friend is with and though I know they must exist find it hard to compute it in my head. What I've been thinking about a lot since separating from my kids' Dad is the difficulty that any future partner will either have to accept the 10% childfree part of myself that I can give -- or embrace the whole package! And I find it so hard to imagine that.

I have a few different friends in this situation. One of my male friends met his partner when her daughter was 2, they got married when his partner was pregnant and my friend took his partners last name so that when the baby was born they all had the same surname as the older DC. In all my friends situations the kids were very young and the dad is completely out of the picture which I think makes it a lot easier.

Thanks to all those who wished me well with Mr Perfect - he was in fact so Perfect that he ceased to exist! For me anyway - today he ghosted! Well, not sure it is ghosting before you have met - stopped messaging? Hasn't blocked me so may come back I suppose, but.....

My daughter thinks I put him off by using the word "sex" in a message. We were discussing what we were looking for and he said (as part of a list of nice things) a partner who is a passionate lover. I replied that I agree sex is really important though it's not something I want to jump straight into?

Was it bad of me to say the word? 🤣 Anyway, if he is shocked by that, he would have been perhaps a little too prudish generally ...

I know Radiators is only after sex because he has pretty much admitted so to be honest. He has revealed (slowly through hinting) that he has quite a specific sexual proclivity. It's not something shocking or disgusting to me in itself (not degrading women or anything) but nor does it massively appeal (I am fairly broad minded when he comes to sex, but it's just not what floats my boat) and really the thing is, I want a relationship and to date! He is pretty obviously now angling just to come round and have this specific type of sexual interaction. I feel a bit ripped odd, because he definitely pretended to be interested in me as a person to start with, so it just feels disrespectful. Don't know why I haven't blocked yet to be honest - I think I have been hoping that it will turn out I am mistaken and he will invite me to a lovely dinner or theatre or something. But I know in truth that isn't going to happen. The messages have basically dwindled to nothing now, anyway ....

So I am just left with Mr NHS, who is lovely and his 50009 non-exclusive girlfriends all apparently agree with me! He is at least wanting to take me out again, so I may go just to have the night out and enjoy the company.

I need to get swiping again really......

Don't want this to feel like a pile on, really - I can see you are struggling with all this.

But you might find it helpful to look at the language you use for your emotions, because this can really impact how feel the emotions (or that's what my therapy taught me, anyway, and it works for me).

You say you are "very scared" of women not fancying you - but is fear actually an appropriate emotion to feel about this? Not being fancied isn't threatening or painful in any way - it's the reality of life for most of us with most people.

The chance of a woman being openly rude about your looks or something during the date (which I admit could be horrible) are bascially zero. Way less than 1% of women would do this. The worst that is plausibly going to happen is that the chat could be a little awkward, no big deal, go your separate ways and usually a polite "no thank you" or at worst a ghosting at the end.

How is this scary? But every time you use that word for it, to others or yourself, you convince your nervous system it IS an actual threat.

Plus, surely you don't

Sorry, posted too soon. Meant to say, surely you don't always fancy them?

I feel for you because OLD is really hard at times, and I urge you to try to find some help to build up your confidence. It really can be done!

Ah no - but he may not have disappeared- he may be out and about, it was Saturday. Or could you see he was online or had been? I message/d just once per day, and not every day but those were my personal boundaries to myself - I guess if patterns change then that’s something to note.

I’m going to disagree with your daughter here re use of the word ‘sex’. If someone says ‘passionate lover’ they’re not going to get upset by the use of the word sex! But equally, and just for me, once they start specifying prior to meet that they miss/need/want sex then I don’t bother, so I’d probably not have answered the loved one - I think it’s fairly obvious re sex being an integral part of a relationship and I guess that you want to enjoy it or why bother lol. Then again that’s individual and depends on context etc.

I May mix them up and can’t seem to check sorry - Mr Rad? and his specific proclivity visit - bless he must have thought he’d nailed this difficult situation. I think he’s maybe on the wrong site if folk are looking for relationships- my neighbour tells me Feeld is good! . It would totally depend on where I’m at in life but I have found it hard not to drift into sex being the driver, plus then get attached and all the stuff around it - follow how you feel.

Mr NHS - met one in the wild years ago, though he wasn’t as upfront as yours - amazing to start - really gutted me in the end and felt very rubbish about me as I joined in a game I couldn’t win - I’m going to sound odd but he went out with all sorts of women and I never knew if it were worse when it was a much younger, lovely looking lady or a much older not so lovely looking lady - when I actually do, and did, know looks are irrelevant. We both lived in a village so I got to know these things - too late to fully detach. Then again a nice date is a nice date?

@Ilovelurchers anyone using the words ‘passionate lover’ would give me the instant ick

@CautiousVisitor @Kaltenzahn id tend to agree here, in both my friends cases, biological dad wasn't on the scene/barely there, so i think much easier for a man to come in and fill that gap. My ex sees our children maybe once a month, speaks most days but not in person despite not being far away. Im ok with this as he has a short fuse at times so im being civil. I wouldn't ever actively send children there, but to an outsider, they might not get it. So certainly my ex DP didn't like this set up as I guess firstly he was jealous but also couldn't see where he fitted in.

I thought the same!

If he’s just not messaged yesterday he might not have disappeared? I’m a bit rubbish at messaging people sometimes, especially if it’s a weekend I have kids. I didn’t reply to Mr Cyclist yesterday but will message him soon while kids are still asleep.

Sorry about Radiators - it does sound like he misled you. Also that he might be better off on Feeld! At least Mr NHS was upfront about the non-exclusivity, though not sure I’d want to be one of a whole procession of partners! Can understand the draw to go on a date just for a fun evening if not much else going on otherwise though.

Imagine how terrible someone would be in bed if they freaked at the word "sex"...

Third date with planes, tmi but def ✈️rather than 🛩 IYSWIM though all very decorous 😁pretty happy and wondering what will go wrong 😁