The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

So Mr Nomad was here for a week and just left on Thursday. It was a bit of a revelation having someone here for that long, because it made me realise how much I actually enjoy having my own space and that I’m really in no rush to live with anyone again, if ever. Not that he did anything in particular, but having to think about someone else for a week did make me wonder if actually I’m quite happy being single (or single-ish) for now.

I didn’t end up speaking to him about where to next for us, he’s gone travelling to Australia and at this stage there are no firm plans to meet up again. So I’m wondering if it will just sort of come to a natural end.

I also ended up going over to Mr Charismatic’s house last night, we watched a film and actually had a pretty nice time. I think now I’m clear he doesn’t want a relationship I’m actually less bothered by the whole situation and just enjoying it for what it is - an opportunity to enjoy spending time with someone on my own terms.

This does sound like quite a lot, I have to say! And theatre is quite a couply thing to do - was it just the two of them? Was there a reason such as, someone cancelled last minute on her and she had a spare ticket, or is this something they planned together from the start, do you know?

It could of course all be totally innocent - probably is in fact - but if it's going to do your head in, it could possibly be better to get out now before you develop feelings for him that will make it harder to end things further down the line?

I honestly don't know what I would do. It depends how much I liked him I suppose.

(And, full disclosure, as I mentioned before I DO still have some feelings for my own most recent ex, which may be colouring my response, because I know that if a miracle happened and he invited me to the theatre, I would feel excited, among other things! Does that make sense?)

What were you scared of? You mentioned the possibility that she might not fancy you - does that scare you? I was wondering if, from this and some of your other posts, you have an extreme sensitivity to, and even fear of, rejection?

Don't get me wrong, nobody loves to feel rejected - but it's a simple statistical fact that most of us will be rejected by more OLDs than we gel with. Not even sure rejection is the word at this stage. A first date is just a meeting to see if there is any compatibility so you can both decide whether or not to pursue things.

It feels like you put a lot of pressure on yourself about your dates, overthink a lot about minor details (whether someone is drinking, whether you have swapped numbers etc).

Do you feel very anxious about being single? How long have you been? You mentioned your friends, who you sat have more romantic success - do you compare yourself to them a lot?

Sorry, that's about a million questions - you aren't obliged to answer all or any - but I do think there is a lot to unpick, and it may even be worth pausing dating, while you see what you can do to build up your resilience - have you ever had counselling for example, or would you consider it? I found it really helpful, and though still a little shy on first dates, don't feel anything like the paralysing nerves I used to. Basically, I now think (most of the time - of course I do have the odd wonble) that I am a nice, reasonably attractive, kind and funny woman, and if my dates don't agree then that's no real problem, because I know that I am fundamentally ok!

And that's the sort of emotional place you need to get to, really, to make OLD endurable. Otherwise, each time it doesn't work out, you'll feel terrible and it will get harder and harder.....

Please don't be offended by what I have said - it is meant with kindness because you seem genuinely distressed, from your posts!

Yeah tonight. I don't feel good about it.

I think I'll say something before I get stuck at dinner with him.

A bit crap x

Yes it does make sense and I've struggled to get over my ex so I hear you.

They planned it as a 1:1

If I was chatting to someone and I found this out about them I would nope out.

@Nosdacariad personally id throw this one back. Cutting hair is very intimate I feel, then theatre, and living next door. Nope. To me, you're a placeholder! I say this as someone with male friends but none ive ever had a relationship with.

I love the theatre - I don’t always find everyone does, so I’d go with a neighbour or friend randomly - though fine with my own company too, but that’s me.

I also imagine this was booked well in advance, before he started seeing you.

On the other hand they seem a bit enmeshed - like those besties you see on romcoms ha. Which would make me uneasy, rightly or wrongly.

It might be it’s just happened to sound so more lately - house sitting/watching by a neighbour is a really useful facility - as is getting a free haircut lol - but guess these aren’t happening every day.

I too would bin out online messaging - I bin for many reasons quite quickly - just not worth upcoming potential hassle I can forsee. It’s carp when you find stuff a few dates in and just don’t know what to do with it.

Hope it can be resolved somehow - I get it if you just think it’s not worth the risk and easier to cut now - I get it if there’s a fine explanation- it is a bonus he’s not hiding anything I think.

Hope it doesn’t spoil today for you - you are worth the best too remember.

@ForRedShark that's pretty bad behaviour on your part, cancelling with minutes to go! Confidence is an attractive thing and fwiw, I casually dated someone who most would deem a loser in life/looks, for over a year purely because he was nice and in a weird way i felt at ease. I think you sound jaded and have lost confidence in yourself. Its tough out there, I understand.

All, no dating on my side still apart from with my uber comfy bed. I just feel so tired generally with work/children/general mental fatigue of related stuff. Im typing this at 5am on a Saturday, i dont even need to wake up this early! Then I look at myself as this tired, overweight parent and think I just havent got my game back to be appealing to date in any way. How do you overcome this?

On a plus note, came home yesterday from the school run to find my hunky neighbour doing our hedges in his sweats. My other neighbour insists on only doing his half, so it looks like half a mohican. Think an older Michele Morone type. We ended up chatting for a long while, with the voice in my head just thinking that song by Babybird 'because youre gorgeous '...

@Nosdacariadi agree with pp to get out before you develop feelings. This is my biggest regret about my last relationship. I can pinpoint the moment it should have ended ( when he asked me to take annual leave to spend the day together but ended up doing a favour for his ‘friend’ that day instead) my spider senses had been in overdrive from the start over their ‘friendship’ even before that happened . Which was less than 2 months in.
I spent almost 2.5 years worrying myself sick (literally) over their ‘friendship’

I can relate to this. Everything is manic lately and I’m exhausted - yesterday I was seriously looking like shit with the worst dark circles from tiredness yet still awake at 5am this morning for no reason!

I’m trying to overcome it by chipping away at the apps but not wasting too much time on it. I have a first date with Mr Noodles next week which I’m semi-excited about. Need to catch up on sleep before then!

Chatting to a couple of others too. One seems a bit laddish but the other one, Mr Cyclist, seems nice so far.

Got a match with someone on Bumble who I’d previously matched with and messaged 6 months ago! He never replied but has this time. If I wasn’t good enough 6 months ago, F off!

The hunky neighbour sounds a welcome distraction!

I am also still not in the headspace to date. Can not be arsed . But at the same time do I really want to spend the rest of my life alone. A few things have happened in the last 6 months that made me angry that I have no one in my corner.
i was really poorly in January to the point of almost calling an ambulance and on Thursday my car got stuck in the garage so I had no way of picking my son up or getting home . I actually ended up in tears.
my ex lived so close to me and would have been a great help of both occasions.

I’ve been in and out of headspace to date so I recognise this @TheThingOnTheIceand @Eesha- I’m not sure there’s ever a best time - but honestly don’t wait till life is ‘perfect’ or you feel you are your best self - that never happened for anyone - though I know we want to be that person lol.

I’m not saying jump in if you’re feeling a bit carp but don’t delay either if you’re looking for someone and think you have just enough bother!

I wish I had a hunky hedge cutting neighbour to take the edge off lol - it’s raining a bit - so the hedge will keep growing! Enjoy that lol.

Yeah @Eesha share your hedge guy!

@TheThingOnTheIce I totally hear you on having someone in your corner xxx

I've messaged a question so we'll see.

I think the real test for me is when ds is away for weeks at a time during the summer holidays. Maybe I should download the apps closer to the time to try and get some dates in for then

Good - it’s great when we can manage to be clear and ask the question.

Do Hope it’s a good answer - I’m off out all day, but hoping a nice update to read tonight! - either way you deserve peace as well as fun and the very best so it will work out in the end.

@Eesha I’m in that place too. So much going on in life at the moment. Which is mostly good, I have to question do I want a man to complicate things?

@ForRedShark I'm sorry you had such a horrible evening, you sounded very upset.

Cancelling on your date last minute was very unfair on her, and quite unkind. It was a completely disproportionate response to her saying she may be driving.

Are you prone to self sabotage? Do you often get very anxious before dates? From your posts on here you do seem quite anxious and also dejected around dating which indicates to me that you might need to take some time out and look after yourself for a bit before you get another person involved in your life.

I'm a bit concerned about your fixation with flirting/kissing on the first date, and the extreme response to your date saying she might not be drinking. Nobody owes you flirting or physical contact, especially the first time you meet them. A lot of women take a bit of time before they're comfortable with someone and that's completely fine, it doesn't mean the kissing and flirting won't come later.

To be blunt, if a man I was dating got upset that I wouldn't be drinking alcohol I would run a mile and feel glad that I dodged a bullet. While this might be an anxiety thing for you it could very well be a safety thing for a woman.

Many women unfortunately have to be a lot more safety focused in dating and it would benefit you to see it from the womans perspective.

Think of the worst outcomes of a date for you: She doesn't fancy you? She doesn't look as good as the photos? She expects you to pick up the bill? Women have all of those worries with the addition of: Is he violent? Will he follow me home? Will he accept it when I say no?

To (mis)quote Margaret Attwood "Men are afraid that women will laugh at them, women are afraid that men will kill them". A woman in England and Wales is killed by a partner or an ex-partner roughly every 5 days.

I wouldn't swap numbers before meeting someone. I wouldn't meet a man somewhere isolated or let them walk me home. I wouldn't invite someone back to mine or go to their house until I'd met them a good few times. All of these are about safety. I know not all women have the same mindset but a lot of women do. Don't take it personally and respect womens boundaries.

At the end of the day it could also just be that you go on a date and there's no spark. That's completely fine! I'm sure you don't instantly feel a deep emotional connection with every woman you go on a first date with. Try and move away from the idea of "rejection" and just accept you weren't a match, and be glad they told you early on before you invested more time and got emotionally attached!

God that was an essay. Sorry to derail our lovely thread! I hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine and we've got some exciting dates lined up for the weekend!

@Brightbluesomething
Its hard as you want someone who will make life easier at the very least. I thought I wanted a few nice dates but I think with children, you have to think about more.

I thought my ex was the one. We started as friends then just ended up madly in love. I broke my rule about keeping everything separate and tried to merge our lives. But he had no clue about children coming first. It just made my life a constant feeling of guilt where the kids missed me, he missed me, then threw a strop if say I didnt pick up the phone in time. To cut a long story short, he made my life harder even though in many ways, I adored him and vice versa. He always said I didn't have time to date, and I don't want that to be true. This was after seeing him every whole weekend, mid week meets, having dinners together.

However my friend is dating someone (long term) who almost lives to make her /her childs life easier. Does all childcare as shes got a busy job. Answers all the party invites, takes child out/dotes on them (child isnt his). Plans stuff for them all together. My friend literally has a partner in every way, romantic and as a loving step parent.

Well done! Really hope you get a response that sets your mind at rest somehow. (I am not sure what that response could be, but I hope it exists and he finds it if you see what I mean! As long as he is being honest of course).

My recent ex, the one I still have some feelings for, was friends with a couple of exes, and I had some bad times because of it. Both of them were not above trying to make me feel bad by implying he was confiding in them or they shared some special bond I would never have or whatever! Sounds so childish - these were grown women too! They did it in subtle ways and I am not sure he even saw it, but I did!

He justified the friendships because they were all part of a wider friendship group, but to me, that didn't mean he still had to text them and meet up with them one to one - I could happily have accepted him seeing them in a larger group, but....

Anyway, that's a big ramble, but just trying to explain that I think your caution in this area is spot on.

Though I am rarely correct! 🤣

@TheThingOnTheIceI hear you about headspace - I keep wondering if I am too! Bur I try to push through it because it would be lovely to have someone special to do and share things with.....

But whether that is the right thing, I don't know?

I will say one thing - the two dates I have had recently have certainly been enjoyable, even though I don't think either will lead to a lasting relationship - in both cases I was glad I had actually forced myself to get out these, if you see what I mean?

But definitely listen to your body/stress levels - don't do anything you are really uncomfortable with.

Quick update from me:

Mr Electric, who I was meant to be seeing tomorrow evening, has gone quiet so I think that's a no.

Mr Radiators who I had a promising first date with, is looking more and more like he just wants sex! I think that's why he won't arrange a second date, he is waiting for me to invite him over. And actually fuck that shit! He should have been honest in the first place. And I'm not totally against the occasional hook up when I am in the mood, but he certainly wasn't physical attractive enough even to be worth shaving my legs for, to be honest! It was his personality I liked, but looks like I got that wrong.

Mr NHS who I also had a nice first date with is texting regularly and being very sweet and caring, but he has been clear from the start he only wants non-exclusive. I don't think that's for me long term, but I may see him again as the chemistry was great, and at least he has been honest from the start!

And I matched with a new one yesterday. To be honest I wasn't sure which way to swipe as his pics aren't brilliant, but he comes across as SUCH a lovely person, both in his profile and first messages. My daughter (who strongly feels I don't value niceness enough in partners - she may have a point) saw his profile and very strongly urged me to pursue it - she thinks he would be perfect for me. So I will call him Mr Perfect! Only a few messages so far tho, we will see....

Have lovely day you amazing people! Honestly, you all seem so lovely, open minded, thoughtful and non-judgemenral in your posts - you are all total catches, and never forget that!