The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Sorry but this is a bit icky 🤔

Did you message her to say you aren’t going?
if you are going to date you need to just bite the bullet and go and see even if you feel uncomfortable. Maybe you are just overthinking?

Ive measaged her but she is already at the pub with a drink now. I feel so awful -(

Why does she have to tell you if shes drinking of not beforehand?

Im sorry I dont mean to sound unkind, but this is all a bit odd.

In the early stages of dating (dates 1 to 4 lets say) you are strangers, and owe noone anything. It shouldn't matter if she doesnt want a drink, doesnt want a kiss, doesnt want to swap numbers, doesnt seem flirty.....everyone has different boundaries and some move quicker than others. I would say that she is full of green flags here and you are typing out red ones!

Just relax and enjoy the date. Dating is nuch easier when you view it as an hour or two of some company, rather than trying to look too deep into things.

You are already ruling someone out who could be such a good person and good match because of aspects that dont meet your expectations. Crazy!

If my DP had your thinking, we wouldnt be a thing! Id just focus on having fun and enjoying yourself.....anything else is a bonus.

But she owes you nothing, no kiss, no number, no drink.

P.s your mates have 100% been friendzoned! 🤭

So just go and apologise profusely!!!!

@Nosdacariad sorry to read of the updates my love.
Where is your head at now? Are u going to say anything to him?
I would find it quite un-comfortable

Sorry cant remember who it was who was talking about being a different shape than thdy used to be and worrying about disappointing their date......and then someone else posted a lovely reassuring response..... I just wanted to say you ladies all are amazing and gorgeous and believe in yourselves.....easier said than done I know but there is someone out there who will love every bit of you..... ❤️ support here is awesome 🫶

Update on my non dating question from last week:

I went to docs, spoke about how I was feeling. She ran thorough bloods. Nothing sinister going on there. Hormones all good (not peri)
doc suspects PNDD (i know someone on here mentioned that)
Wants me to try an SSRI half a tablet a day in the lead up to my period and stop 2 days after period starts, see if that makes any difference 🙏

@OneShyQuail interesting from doc and differs from usual advice about stopping and starting SSRIs.

On the 🛩🛩 topic, in about two weeks the ex has asked him to house sit, cut his hair and is now going to the theatre with him.

That appears to be quite a bit.

It was me who posted about not feeling very confident and yes, the support here is awesome…..thank you ladies 🤍

And well done for going to the doctor! Hopefully the medication makes a difference to you lovely 🤞🏻

I think this is your call… if you really like him and want to see how it goes then do.

Whats most important is if you are comfortable and happy x

I’d never tolerate being with someone with a female best friend again after my last experience.
one of my best friends of 30 years is a straight male so I know it’s possible but my most recent ex has made me lose faith in it being mostly innocent for every situation

How do you handle that/identify it?

@Betsy95 I don't think I'll be happy with this much if we get together properly 😁

I think having friends of either sex is fine.
’best friends’ where like my most recent ex they are con-dependant and overly enmeshed . Nope .

I don’t intend to sound unkind but this last minute no show is a bit worse in the dating world than yesterday’s ’I’m driving’.

I do drink on a first pub date, but that’s rare and possibly a bit silly, in fact tbh and maybe sound a bit harsh I mightn’t drink in future on any first date in a pub after reading this.

You don’t seem to be understanding of your dates and how they may feel so I hope this thread helps to show you - and your mates are definitely not having the wild dating results they tell you but anyway you’re you and need to navigate through this in a good way for you and a safe way for your date.

What time were you supposed to meet & what time did you cancel?

I'm just catching up with the thread & you seem to have some odd ideas about why a woman needs to drink on a date, & also that she needs to inform you days in advance if she isn't drinking.

If you are intending to carry on dating & were just overcome with nerves today, then I hope that this thread can be of some use to you.

It's definitely not easy, this dating lark!

Noooo🫩

That does sound a lot. Maybe if it was an ex they saw once in a while as part of a bigger group of friends it would be ok but this sounds like someone he hangs out with a lot based on what you’ve said. I think it would send my anxiety through the roof. Do you have other date planned?

I agree with you, I’m happy to suggest a coffee as a first meeting, there’s no pressure and it’s just meeting a new friend, but I do prompt after the date for a reaction as to whether I’d like to see them again or vice versa. Nothing ventured and all that

@NervesOfCotton the date was meant to be at 7 and i cancelled at around 5 mins to 7. I felt truly awful as she was already in the pub by then. I apologised to her and explained that I bottled it as I thought she wouldnt fancy me. She was fuming and I dont blame her -(

In sorry. I don’t blame her. Doubt there’s any come back but please learn from the experience. X

Poor woman. 🙁

I really don’t get the big deal about her not drinking either, and I’m someone who likes a drink! There’s no guarantee she’d have been flirting with you all night just because she’d had a wine or two and equally she could have been stone cold sober and flirty.

I agree with others to look at a first date as an hour or two of meeting a new person and nothing more plus an opportunity to figure out if you like them as much as the other way round.

Oh dear, that's pretty crappy of you. I suppose the only 'good' thing here is that you did at least cancel & didn't ghost her.

Tbh, if it were me then I'd assume that you came to the pub, saw me & didn't like the look of me, since you left it that late.

Agree with Polly1979, I had a first date once where I felt that buzz & would have happily snogged his face off, if I'd been feeling brave enough! I was definitely flirting! & I'd not had a drop of alcohol (generally though, it takes me longer than just one date to know if I like him)

I've actually declined meeting men/taking the chat further if they try to force a drink on the first date.

Happy to meet in a pub, happy to have an OJ or a mocktail!

Nosdacariad I think that would be a bit much for me. It's giving me Danny (yeti) & his sister vibes, from Friends, if you've seen it!

Also, way back, I dated 2 men who I'm certain went back to their exes after being just a little too 'entwined' during our dating time. So I've learned the hard way.

What are you going to do?

Just catching up on this thread, it’s been a very busy week!

On the one hand it’s good he’s been open about how much he sees her, but on the other hand it sounds like they’re still a bit entwined somehow. I may have missed it somewhere, but is she single? And I think I would want to know if they’ve still been sleeping together even if they haven’t actually been in a proper relationship for a while.

How are you feeling about it now?

Hope you don’t mind me saying so but it sounds like you’re not quite in the right headspace to be dating at the moment. You seem to have a lot of expectations both for yourself and others. I know it’s easier said than done, but just try to relax a bit. Go in with no expectations other than having an opportunity to meet someone and get to know them a little - that’s all a first date is. There’s a very good chance one or both of you won’t feel a spark, so if you go in assuming that will be the case, then you can only ever be pleasantly surprised.