The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

No! I think a sign of a good first date is being able to leave that date feeling a quiet excitement that you could fancy them and then that can build quickly into fancying them once more comfort builds. A more uncertain first date is a “mmm well he’s interesting, but I’m not sure, let’s have another chat and see”. And a date that won’t go to second is “ok he was a nice guy but I was bored, not for me”. And a bad first date is just obviously bad.

I’ve definitely walked into dates and realised quickly if I could aesthetically fancy them - but then their personality can take that in either direction. They can be really hot, and I see that instantly, but then awful or boring and I don’t fancy them at all (or there’s a toxic chemistry I need to kill!). And FWIW I had a very long term relationship with someone I knew platonically for years first and didn’t remotely fancy for those initial years.

I don’t think you need to focus on those first few minutes. Focus on asking questions (and hope for some back), showing your personality and just trying to have fun. As said, if you smile or laugh a lot, that will be a good sign.

Ah - so I didn’t feel it on Date 1 but I felt that is not unexpected perhaps, especially at my age, but the date 2 time around even more so and zilch. We had good conversation though and he was polite and clean etc in fact a bit of a gentleman.

The subsequent texts after date 1 weren’t doing anything for me either lol but that’s maybe a personal thing though didn’t help perhaps! He asked for another meet, just to catch up after a couple of weeks, so I thought I’d go in the end maybe 3 weeks later - unfortunately it was certainly clear he was in ‘date’ mode whereas I was in ‘we will see’ mode. I just laid eyes on him and thought ‘no’ though we did the date/umm ok, but much harder than the first one and I wished it were shorter.

Not attire no, I barely notice that unless it’s very painful, I just totally felt a ‘no’ - and even 3 peronis didn’t change it one bit. I honestly can’t pinpoint a reason tbh.

Mr Tree lol totally different date 1 - unexpectedly but pleasantly so - we definitely had a fun time not just a chat time - date 2 just a dog walk and I do think date 2 is a check on dates 1 - so I wondered as I was getting ready - but it was exactly the same tbh - and has continued so far. I don’t see him all the time at all - we both have other stuff - but I’m really pleased every time I do, and it makes me smile before I even get there lol!

Idk why as on photo either date I had would not be my physical type if you asked me to define that, but both ok too - both were ‘nice’ folk - I just don’t know - I think I dropped lucky with some random connection this time (and obviously so did he lol) but if I have to return to OLD this new bar will make it difficult I think so there’s that too!

It’s hard right now but maybe don’t overthink or wish for a specific route through this - everyone is different too - you will find someone - or meet nice folk on the way at least.

That’s a much better explanation and coverage of all scenarios than I managed. It’s strange how different each experience can be, yet just as good - or bad lol

Did you say anything yet? I would wait till your date 3 but have to sit on my hands and nearly burst to do that!

I don’t know tbh - he’s honest, which is good, has he said why? Do they have fairly regular meet ups? Or randomly book stuff when both available just for someone to go out with? I mean if he’d already booked in with her it would actually be rude of him to bin it for you tbf?

It depends on so much - but it is rather carp - maybe think exactly what scenario you would or would not accept for now, for long. You can say something quite casual phrased to show your boundaries- just like oh I do one project at a time, it’s just best for me - I’ve found I don’t do well with folk seeing their exes, not saying it’s wrong, but it isn’t for me. Then of course you’d have to follow through.

It is disappointing to navigate this now, but may well be possible - fingers crossed.

The "friendzone" and the "fear of zero flirting" makes it sound like you feel entitled to flirting, and a romantic connection?

@UmberSheep thanks, so if she leaves the date with a thought that she could fancy me further down the line, then maybe that is a positive sign? She has done zero flirting in messages so far, nor asked for my number or a phone chat, which got me worried that I may get stood up.

Im worried we will have awkward silences or any compliment i give will just fall flat. Wish I was more cut out for this -(. Anyway here goes.

@Nosdacariad not entitled, it just makes me feel like a failure if I get friendzoned, none of my friends get friendzoned.

Thanks, I am not bothered about it now but rather if it will be an ongoing thing if we end up together 😁

I wouldn’t like it at all, I don’t get when people keep exes hanging about even as “friends” just seems a bit attention seeky and tiring but that’s my personal opinion.

How long were they together @Nosdacariad

Very briefly two years ago x

Ah - they’re well over - they had 2 years to get there - it was probably a more than nothing thing but they got to be friends/neighbours.

It sounds promising with you/him so he’ll be focusing on you from now on 😃

I seriously doubt none of your friends get friendzoned. It is impossible for everyone to feel a romantic or sexual connection with everyone they meet. But yes to your qu, if she leaves the date with a feeling she could fancy you in the future, that’s a very positive sign.

I’d never ask a man for his number or a phone chat before meeting. And she could hold off flirting til at least second date while she susses you out. Unless you’re dating a horny teenager or similar :D, you’re going to need allow for a slow build up of flirting, chemistry, connection and all related. It will depend on the person and the couple how long that takes.

If only brief and ages ago, I think it could be very legitimate that they just formed a better relationship as friends.

And FWIW I am friends with an ex and there is no undertone etc there.

She also cuts his hair...

I’m sorry but …. No no no no no
unless she’s also his mum or sister 🤦‍♀️

@ForRedShark I prefer a coffee date or drink and would never go for dinner on a first date, or anything that requires a time investment. Had too many absolute weirdos on dates.
I’d also never drink or get tipsy and I’m perfectly capable of flirting when sober. You’re sounding quite negative and it might be that which affects your date, not whether she’s drinking. Which is far less safe for women than men. I always have an exit plan in case the total stranger makes me feel uncomfortable. Can’t do that if I’m tipsy or drunk. I think you need to see this from a women’s perspective, we have to think about risks that men don’t. Your date hasn’t done anything wrong.

What is the general opinion on men with female friends? Specifically one that they have slept with. Before Mr Balkans I had a brief situationship with a guy I met IRL. Sex was 🔥ran through all the red flags because of it until I was ghosted. He had a female friend. I got the “You do know men and women can be friends response” to which I asked, have you slept with her? Yes When? The end of last year. Internal eye role. There isn’t anybody I have slept with multiple times who I would be friends with if I wasn’t open (even at a weak drunken moment, or drought period) to having sex with them again…..

Is she a hairdresser?

@duckingclueless this is different than having female friends which is fine.

What you describe is what I'm trying to avoid xxx

I don't know.

@Brightbluesomething she hasnt done anything wrong. Its just that if she wasnt planning to have a drink, she could have let me know 3 days ago, instead of springing it on me the night before. I get the safety aspect, I just dont think her drinking non alcoholic drinks will help in the flirting department one iota.

She doesn’t have to tell you that. It’s her decision and you still seem to insist she needs to be drinking to flirt? I think it’s probably your approach that’s making it much less likely that she’ll flirt rather than what she chooses to drink.
What would you have done with that information in advance, cancel the date?

I’m okay with it if the friend has never been an ex or someone they’ve had sex with and the friendship is open and transparent.

IMO exes shouldn’t remain friends and no you can’t be friends with someone you’ve had sex with. Way too messy.

I’ve tried to be cool with those scenarios before and every time got bitten by it. So no, not something I would tolerate now.

Ive bottled the date -(. I didnt go -(-(