The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Yeh I think I would’ve uncomfortable with a guy I’m dating still being really close with an ex. I know not all guys will cheat with their ex’s but this would be a boundary for me. Never been in the situation, but I’m obviously fine with a guy having friends who are female.

Update on last night. So I asked “the guy” about meeting up and he eventually got back to me saying yes, and asked when I’m free 🙂 I’ve suddenly been hit with nerves.

Im going through a lot of body insecurity at the moment. I’m 44 and certain I’m in peri, and have gained some weight which I’d never had before. My online photos are all recent so no catfishing 😂 However I’m just not feeling myself. I know I need to snap out of this though!

Ok so he liked your photos and they were up to date.

There may be many reasons the two of you might not gel but some extra weight is unlikely to be it for either of you.

Focus on whether HE is suitable for YOU 💐

You’re right, I know. I’ve found OLD quite tough this time around between ghosting, love bombing, immediate sext messages. So I think I’ve been feeling so deflated with it all that I’m maybe just trying to foresee reasons why this will go tits-up 😂

Need to get out of this mindset though. And you’re right that I need to shift it and focus on whether he’s right for me and not the other way around.
Thank you 🤍🤩

Ooh, @empirebiscuits12, well done you! Have you decided when and where to meet?

I TOTALLY get the body insecurities (I am 47 and curvy now - first time I went on OLD I was 40 and a skinny size 8! ) . But, the point is, they have seen your recent photos, that's what they swiped on! They know what they are getting ....

And, lovely as your prospective date guy no doubt is, is he physical perfection himself?

And 95% of attractiveness, I seriously believe comes from inside. And I am confident that you're gorgeous. Intelligent and kind and funny and thoughtful and you have the capacity to make yourself vulnerable - it shines through your posts.

I am certain you are hot as fuck! But if he doesn't feel that, it just means he is not the one for you. Someone else will.

I am enjoying hearing all your positive updates.

Not having much luck myself, my casual situation seems to be loosing momentum with last minute cancellations - which is difficult to manage when I get very few free evenings with the kids. And I am not getting many matches and any I get either don't message me or start pushing to meet up for sex.

I am currently only on Facebook Dating - do I need to try another app? I am not sure what I really want yet from OLD which is why I have held off on Hinge etc

🥹 thank you for your message, I appreciate it! It’s definitely a me-thing and I’ll take on board everyone’s advice 🤍

No plans have been set yet, we’ve exchanged a couple of messages about our day so far but not much else. I know he’s at a wedding reception tonight, so highly unlikely a date will happen tomorrow! But I’m excited (and scared) to meet! I’ll need to think of a name now. Perhaps Mr Finance, related to his job!

Definitely if he’s right for you! I think we’re sometimes just so bloody relieved to catch one date we overlook that - and other stuff.

I certainly did with Mr Situationship last decade as I couldn’t face continuing on the apps and was at just at him/another chat - other one said something dire so one date left - I grasped it gratefully - became the person he’d choose instead of vice versa - and as he wasn’t Fred West I continued into something I didn’t really want - it was ok enough but it’s just a waste of time and energy.

And the body shape - yes - I am in very different shape to last time around - you feel that - but at least so are my potentials probably different too haha. But it is absolutely true shape/looks etc are totally irrelevant- it’s something you catch in them that gives the wow bit and that’s never defineable - plus if they’re ugly inside you see that on the out.

Out on something you feel fab in and shine - and interview him ha!

It’s tough out there.

I didn’t like fb dating but maybe as I was used to PoF style - but my kids have used it fine so could be an age thing too.

I’m no good on recommendations as I’ve always refused to pay for abuse and irritation online lol - my PoF profile has been open, barely used for years until lately. I never did have a date before from it but have had 2 separate ones this time around - 2nd one is now date 9 Sunday!!

I used to use free dating but as I got used to it I guess - I left that one as mr situationship was on it and just felt weird.

Hope you get some good ones - I would debate sites myself if this (very lovely) current thing flood.

Eek :( not sure I could cope with that. Even when they think it’s over the woman often has an agenda they are not aware of. But I might be being a bit harsh. Guess sit back and wait for the data. It will become evident in time 🙄

Coffee with Mr Balkans went really well! Really good chat. Wants to go for a date. He had to leave for a work call. Has already texted and called before I even read messages. Very entrepreneurial. Seems to have fingers in a lot of pies. Could potentially be dodgy but time will tell…Had about 7 messages already. Not sure that’s a good sign.

Ooh - at least the date itself was a nice way to spend some time - it sounds pretty good.

I’d freak at 7 messages though - lots of potential reasons, not all great but who knows yet - I can roll a few out myself just as I send them in like sentences at times ha - but only with family really. I find it a bit of a bother understanding text styles - but go with how you’re feeling maybe?

He very, very clearly didn’t wish to break the coffee date connection though.

@Nosdacariad Im thinking that is she chooses not to drink, that is fine, but as we all know - you feel more relaxed after a drink, less inhibited and more likely to maybe flirt a little.

My fear is that tonight will be another journey into the Friendzone with zero flirting from her.

Ok but better than leading you on when squiffy?

@Nosdacariad I suppose so, the whole thing feels a bit hopeless given we havent even swapped numbers yet. Oh well roll on 7pm

Ah you sound really fed up with it. Please don’t be before the date - you’ve got to take your best, happy to meet you, self along - be fed up after if you must but not now.

I dislike a full night not drinking if others are - maybe you could join her in a soft drink and make it a more level playing field - or at the most one - the only sober one at a party is often not cool too lol. Have a pre drink if you need it - like just one lol.

Whilst I don’t like being sober if others drink nor on an out out night I also can manage to be sociable and chatty and could manage a date of this - I also know many sober folk who absolutely still are the life and soul - so you’ll have to see.

These are her sense of safety boundaries and anxiety about the date speaking - lean into them - don’t push them away and feel fed up.

I thought that about my coffee date but it was actually better than a drink. It was also nice that he had to leave for a work thing. It might just be a way to control herself. There’s always next time for a drink 🤞

@MsJinks thank you, ill try and go with a positive mindset

Absolutely no need to feel hopeless! I have not drank or barely drank on numerous dates and it doesn’t reflect anything about the person or connection. I think I had half a pint on the date that led to my current relationship. The connection and chemistry will still murmur under the surface regardless. Agree with all the others not to expect a kiss on the first date - you need to consider if you’re both smiling or laughing, giving eye contact etc, and then if you hug goodbye. That is the sign of early chemistry.

I also did not give out my number to anyone I hadn’t met yet, so again that is irrelevant.

Go in positively and see where you get to! And if it’s a dud, it’s a dud - but not due to alcohol lacking.

@UmberSheep thats very kind thank you.

@UmberSheep , when you have met a date in a bar, do you know instantly if you fancy them or not?

I’m not Umber - but it massively varies - took me about 3 minutes with Mr Tree - last one I met and it was in a pub and I did not need beer goggles for that one - ha!

I met one years back I was just disappointed first look but half an hour chat and I was revising that thought and then eventually hooked for a good while.

Others here will tell you of the slow button so may take a bit - very individual but all starts are fine.

I think it’s usually something else than ‘look’ - maybe not for men, or others - but I cannot define what ‘catches’ me specifically tbh.

@MsJinks thanks, Ill see what happens tonight in the first 3 minutes or so.

Haha - I’d give it a bit longer than that - total surprise to me! High bar now though lol.

First date of year I didn’t feel it but the date was ok enough - I eventually went for date 2 and I did then know straight off ‘no’ which was a bit difficult.

Best of luck - if she is not for you or vice versa very fast you could stay in the pub and have a good night - but I think it’ll all be fine - don’t worry so much.

Any other advice on the ex of Mr ✈️🛩

@MsJinks if you dont mind me asking, what killed it on date 2, was it his attire?