The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Will update. Maybe it will progress to a drink later in the evening who knows. Shitting bricks. 1st timer.

I definitely get the wine in hand lol. It’s not done me many favours always in the dim, distant past though lol - I also talk a lot after minimal alcohol so there’s that too.

I once had an ultimately funny story date where the guy (at least 10 stone heavier than pic with the most odd clothes I’ve seen) and his conversation (he had done everything possible in the entire world) just left me looking at the bottom of my lager glass praying for the end of time. He offered to take me home and I did feel safe with him - and halfway back it turned out he’d had more than the 2 pints I saw and had a smoking habit, no I couldn’t just get out either - I thought my prayers may literally be answered too late, though I was by then begging St Christopher for assistance in my head. Weirdly, to me, he kept messaging as he’d ’felt a real connection’ - I honestly don’t know how as I did manage not to open my mouth and I sort of obviously shrunk from a peck on the cheek - assume it was his beer! I never acquired beer goggles myself that night though lol.

I know you lot are more safety conscious- it was a good while ago, though no excuse- guess I remember feeling stuck in the date having to cope with 2 hours of dire instead of naybe 30 minutes.

It is the escape route that gives coffee the edge for me I think and the easier option for brevity too.

Follow your gut instincts and treat everyone like a stranger til date 5ish.

Coffee dates are great as first dates, fairly quick, low pressure, usually one quite close to your house, day date etc.

Biggest tips - dont generate a pen pal - chat away (nothing too personal though) but if no mention of a date in around 4 days or its taking 2 weeks or more to find a date u can both do, get rid.

Actions actions actions. Men are simple things, they love the chase and want the prize. If you are confused or dont feel wanted, you aren't their main connection or they are just keeping you there hanging on.

Make sure you have your boundaries set, and your needs clear. If someone doesnt meet them, end it politely. Sparks and connections dont always happen straight away but there should be something that intrigues you or interests you or attracts you, can be anything, but needs to be something!

Welcome 🫶

It is really down to personal preference. My old trick is to go for a gentle walk with a train station as a final destination. If you don't tell, then hopefully on a train and go home, if you do - there are usually places to grab a drink in the vicinity. Works really well for me but many people on here hate the idea.
I think dinner date is too formal and I can't stand the idea of sitting through a meal with someone I may not fancy or be able to have a conversation with. I also live semi rurally so going out involves driving - there is no opportunity for a drink. Having said that, we had a brilliant first dinner date with Mr Poet and some non alcoholic beers.

@empirebiscuits12it's a tricky one, and I don't think there is any wrong or right - it's entirely what you feel comfortable with. Personally I do tend to mention meeting up if I like the other person and they don't mention it after about three days of chatting. (I do like to get a feeling early for if they are actually looking to date - I don't want a pen friend!)

But if I take the lead the first time I do prefer the other person to do it the second time - this is why I feel stuck now with Radiators, who knows the ball is in his court and is doing nothing about it....

In your position I would probably ask if he is up for meeting soon for a drink or a coffee - whatever your preferred first date is. But I am shit at dating and relationships, so don't take my advice - safer to do the opposite of what I say probably!

@Stillhere83so sorry to hear about this - I think many of us would be freaked out by a 24 hour silence, especially after great dates and sex. But there ARE possible reasons for it. What are his comms like normally? Is this totally out of character for him?

Welcome! I hate first dates! Or rather, I hate the idea of them - my last two have been much better than expected.

My only advice is to remember he is probably as nervous as you, and remember that you aren't obliged to stay if you are not enjoying it - beyond basic politeness (45 mins or so) you owe him nothing at this point!

And remember you are the prize - this is about him impressing you!

I prefer a pub date myself. It just feels like more of a night out somehow? More of a buzz around us, just a bit more atmosphere.

But it's entirely personal preference......

Have 3 new irons and three opening messages:

‘How’s the short week?’
’How are we today?’
‘Hope you are well.’

Maybe I should be grateful they actually messaged unlike a lot of others but they certainly won’t be winning any awards for originality.

Hi all!

So I’ve taken the advice and taken the bull by the horns, and asked the guy if he fancies meeting up. Waiting for his reply. This is a first for me doing this however I’m getting a good vibe from him so far, and I guess I’ve got nothing to lose! We’ll see what happens!

Well done @empirebiscuits12. Fingers crossed you’ll have a date booked in soon!

@duckingclueless 🐈‍⬛️for good luck x

@MsJinks you must be a Meatloaf fan!

@Polly1979 I mean, they used full sentences...

Hope you are all doing well and having nice dates. @empirebiscuits12 nice that you have taken charge and asked him, hopefully he will come good!

Im nervous about my date tomorrow night, and to top it off, she messaged to say that she may be driving, so no drinks for her, which dampens it a bit.

We havent even spoke on the phone or swapped numbers yet, and I wont try any kind of kiss at the end after my last date disaster. Its not boding well, but lets see.

@ForRedShark unless you drink to the extent that you need a drinker as a girlfriend, I can't see the problem with her driving and not drinking?
They both improve our safety, and we shouldn't have to worry about that but we do.

Hive mind - Mr ✈️🛬has done nothing wrong, but is going out tonight with recent ex who's also next door neighbour.

I fear turbulence!!

I think she’s being careful of her safety. It’s likely too she understands the term ‘beer goggles’ and wants to avoid that first off whilst she sees how you get in.

I debated driving to Mr Not for Me first date - but didn’t in the end as I felt a beer would relax me and I won’t drive after the most minimal alcohol, I was also well able to get there/back without a car - can she? . That was a meal though.

Mr Not for Me never drinks though so on the date I had 2 lagers and he had nothing, but the atmosphere was absolutely fine - so it doesn’t mean this date will be awkward - though it definitely means you won’t both be rolling around together in the gutter at 4am lol.

Best of luck - and update us!

Let me clarify - he’s going out with a friend of his who lives next to you and you previously dated?

If I have this right I’d find that awkward- however, I think guys have such a different approach on nights out, with mates in general etc it’s actually not so bad.

One of my daughters’ partners occasionally does an activity and follow up beer with her long term ex - I think discussing my daughter is the very last interesting thing to talk about anyway for them - she always dreads it but I think it’s not like she imagines ha.

Oddly, we were talking about guy chat last night at a different daughters and with her fella - he said he never discusses relationship life with his mates and has zero interest in who his mates may or may not be dating - frustrating for that daughter who likes to know about that herself lol.

I also worked in an ops fire station (I know right lol) - if I happened in the Rev room on breaks their conversations were never like chats about each other’s partners - I noticed they occasionally talked to me on a 1:1 about them but never it seemed together.

Long stories ha - to say don’t worry at all - though tbh I would a bit too.

I dont drink at all. And even when I did drink (pre kids) I certainly wouldn't have had a drink on early dates.
Can I ask why its such an issue?

Hi no the person is his neighbour and his ex.

Don't write the date off just because she's driving/not drinking! What's the big problem? I can't think of any date that would require someone to drink, and it's perfectly possible to have a lovely date sober! You sound like you've given up on this date already, which is a shame. Try and go into the date with a positive mindset or you won't be putting your best self forward.

If your last "date disaster" is the 2nd date cheek kiss, I think you're being a bit dramatic! Not every date leads to a relationship and having a pleasant friendly conversation (albeit with no snogging) then being politely told there's no spark is pretty far from a disaster as far as dates go.

Try to be positive and not fixate/overthink about the kissing/physical contact. It's only date one! You're effectively strangers, a lot of women won't want to kiss a stranger the first time they've met, but it doesn't mean it won't happen in the future!

Oh gosh - all wrong - sorry - and sorry for novel on a wrong topic.

So how did this happen? Is it a group event they’re both at? Sort out catch up? Friends and do this?

I have some faith in Mr Plane - I also see he’s been very open about it - which is very good. How are you finding it though?

I don't see an issue with not drinking. I personally avoid drinking on a first date and would be highly suspicious of a guy who thought it was a deal-breaker.
Have you offered a phone call or to swap numbers?

It is a 1:1 outing and I do normally have a boundary about recent exes, this is not the most recent so I found out about her second date.

I have no sense this is romantic but I don't want to be dealing with someone who is going out with their (not long term, or married, or kids in common) ex.

I'm tempted to tell him today before third date tomorrow but not sure if that's jumping the gun.

Just realised I need to check I have the facts right before I pull the plug 😱😅

That's gutting about Planes, as it sounded like it was going so well!

I am not sure whether this would be a deal breaker for me, but it might be. I have had a couple of exes who remained friends with their exes, and though I tried to be alright about it, in truth ir did cause me problems!

You just have to go with your gut on this. The good thing is that he has been honest.

Thanks @Ilovelurchers I'm glad it's not just me.
My late DH had a best woman, so I'm fine with opposite sex friendships but it feels a little different if it's a recent ex.
I have sought clarification 😅