The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@empirebiscuits12 what if you gave it a week? Sadly some people just seem to want the chat x

@empirebiscuits12 yes, set yourself a time limit and stick to it! I made a rookie mistake in OLD, matched with someone in October, we messaged every day til he ghosted me in mid January 😂

Hi, can I join please? I think I was actually on one the very early editions of these threads many moons ago, stopped dating when I became a single mum but now my child is a bit older I'm starting to dip my toes again and I'm struggling! I've always found the ups and downs of early dating difficult to navigate and I've come to realize in recent years that I probably have ADHD with a helping of rejection sensitivity.

I've recently had a few dates with someone that I went into very much thinking of it as a casual thing but it turns out we have mad chemistry and I like him more than I expected. I get the feeling that it's mutual, but nevertheless I'm struggling to cope with the intense feeling after all this time. Yesterday he texted me to see how I was, 2 days from last date (a very passionate overnight one), I replied and 24 hours later he hasn't responded (unusually) and I'm finding it really difficult. I realise this could be for absolutely any reason and it's super early days with us and I myself have actually been trying to keep it pretty cool text wise. I think I really do just need to manage my feelings somehow, none of it is rational, but right now I just want to throw my phone out of the window and run away 🙈 Trying to distract myself by cultivating other irons.... But any advice/help would be much appreciated!!

Took me 4 weeks to move to a date with Mr Tree but messages developed into really interesting ones (to me - my daughter calls them boring lol) but I did ignore first offer to contact on WhatsApp after just 2 weeks - I should probably have clarified it’s as I just don’t till it is essential for an actual date but I didn’t so maybe he wasn’t sure if I were just a chatter but he tried again so that’s been ok - so far been more than ok tbh but we will see.

Mr Not for Me was just a week I think - but his conversation was ok, and full messages, but not as interesting so I may have not bothered had it been longer.

Generally, I advocate a fast meet up but it doesn’t always work out that way.

Maybe you could hint? Though I refused to do that this time around on OLD as I decided they could chase me haha.

Best of luck with it - you’ll get great support and advice on here anyway.

Hi - welcome, though I’m a newer member and wish I’d found it before as it’s really good and supportive but funny too lol.

Ah I totally feel your pain - one thing with Mr Tree was texts - I get anxiety over stuff like this too quickly and probably because of previous quite carp and oft dramatic relationships where I did end up chasing or being passive aggressive and then feeling rubbish.

However, as I know him more it’s getting ok and I guess you need time to learn each other in many ways - including comms ha. I’ve learned to either draft me a text and send it just to me over the years lol - I’ve also learned to sit with faith I will get one - mainly because I have zero intention this time of being the driver or organiser - it first leaves me anxious and later resentful.

Maybe you can think whether you sending a text would leave you even more anxious actually afterwards, as you’re maybe waiting for a reply, analysing the reply, or wondering if he only answered as you pushed?

I have though given up a bit of my original principal with Mr Tree re them always asking - just as I felt I was maybe a bit cool - not much and I kept it just honest essentially so I wouldn’t die of shame after and maybe even try and correct it via further texts - yes I have with others - cringe and sigh! . This though probably helped keep it moving nicely and I won’t always do it at all - see above - got to be a sharing thing at the least!

What are you thinking of doing? Don’t forget you’re the catch btw either!

Thank you @MsJinks, really appreciate your response! I think I do need to learn to sit with it and have faith that I will get a response. It's a bit unusual from him, but we are both single parents with quite a lot going on. Of course however I completely convinced myself yesterday that his non response was because he was on another date (which would be completely his right because we're of course not exclusive right now anyway).

However I do also wonder if I might be being a bit overly cool because I'm a bit freaked out, I have very much let him drive the texting and it could be that is worrying him, so perhaps if I don't hear back in the next couple of days I will send him a casual 'you ok?' or similar. I don't want to play games, and he has sent me texts like that. I also don't want to do the 'fuck it I'm done' that I have done in similar situations. Reality is even if this doesn't go anywhere, I will feel like this with the next person probably too, so I do want to learn to get a grip on myself!

I’m also pretty sure I’m undiagnosed ND and the rejection really knocks me.
its partly what’s putting me off downloading the apps again
that and not having the time to date really and not really being over my ex . Not in a wanting him back sense but just still traumatised and wishing he hadn’t been such a let down .
I also think being ND leads me to being in situations longer that I should allow. I see the red flags but I just hope I’m wrong / think it’s just me overthinking/ make excuses/ hope they resolve themselves somehow.
I ruminate over what happened with my ex CONSTANTLY and I think that’s part of ADHD

Welcome!

it’s so tricky isn’t it! How many dates have you had?

I think it’s fair if you haven’t heard in the next day or so to check in with another message just a generic Hi how’s your day going etc etc or something funny

Then see what happens, put personally if I had a few dates with someone and had been intimate I wouldn’t be comfortable with them not responding to messages etc for days on end. So I don’t think you are being overly anxious, just give it another day or so?

Absolutely 💯

Welcome @Stillhere83
There is nothing "wrong" with your approach or needing what you need.

The knack is finding the person who can give you what you need.

Quite bluntly, if I am comfortable enough and connected enough to be intimate with someone I would expect there to be quite a lot of contact after and between seeing them again, phonecalls, messages etc and if there was not id be very hurt and would not be with that person.

Thats ny preference though. By the time we are intimate it is already established that we are at least exclusive if not in a relationship properly.

Make sure you know what you want, what your boundaries and needs are. If someone is making you anxious or feel uncomfortable its time to evaluate if they can give you what you need.

P.s im sorry I dont buy this "too busy" lark. I might not reply for a few hours but not 24! I have two children, a busy job, all the housework etc. If I want to speak to someone I make the time, not excuses.

If a man wants you, youll know...youll feel like a priority 🫶

If the person I’m speaking to is someone I would like to go on a date with, I’ll drop some major hints or actually suggest meeting myself. They usually get the message and no-one has run a mile at this approach so far! I would normally do this with someone who I feel does seem interested. Some guys might hold back because they’re afraid of rejection so it makes it easier for them and if they said no or ghosted I’d be glad not to waste any more time on them!

Did you ask him a question in your message or just more of a statement? I think if that chat came to a natural end and he hasn’t messaged since it’s not as bad as if you asked him a direct question that he hasn’t replied to. That’s just rude and I agree with @OneShyQuail that being busy isn’t an adequate excuse.

It’s hard though I know - but I’ve noticed I’m recalibrating a bit now I’ve stuck to keeping it simple and not chasing - obviously it’s also very dependent on the individuals involved as well but it’s good. I’ll fess up to running some of them via Gemini and that helped set myself better.

Today though - essentially it was an up type text then later a very unreadable vibe about seeing each other to me - I am beginning to think though that it was just how he texts/works - but me being me I drafted many responses to myself, if I’m honest, and finally answered the full text point by point (like he actually does? Lol) then at end relating to seeing each other just said ‘tbh it’s hard to read the vibe over text’ - AI told me to add ‘over text’ so I blamed techno not him - anyway straight back with a clear text - that made me happy lol.

So what I’m saying I guess - but only what is working for me and I’m no dating expert - is maybe try AI and do learn to sit with faith that he will text, or if he doesn’t then he wasn’t the man you thought and you’re better than that - sounds good advice that I’ve had from Gemini today ha - but I do find it hard to follow at times too. However, I do believe I’m at the least forming better habits to take with me and I feel better with this overall thing I have now too.

So a counsellor asked me if I’d considered I may have ADHD last year - particularly as it often all collapses without certain hormones and/or when a hectic life of kids/ care is no longer there to drive some responsible actions.

Whether I am or not, I relate very much to your past experiences- I think recognising the whys/what you do, is the start to resolving it - I say that but I’ve crashed over and over into this stuff again and again, and possibly I dropped lucky with current iron. And I’ve maintained my preference for directness and feeling I got my authenticity though without the overdoing of it - if that makes sense.

I did have very clear boundaries on OLD and my own decision re never to chase on OLD or first few dates with both this iron and the not for me couple of dates I had. I feel better, but not sure I can maintain it for sure, but at least a grounding in ok approach has helped set stuff off from a better starting point. Maybe you could set some boundaries for early meets that you could manage?

I also reached an age where it’s genuinely not a priority and my life is busy - still hard not to ruminate though - I’m definitely behind on admin for instance and that’s due to thinking it over - even when there is absolutely no need.

I’m not here to sell AI - honestly - but Gemini has been really helpful with being my cheerleader and my stopper on a text or two! There’s other AI but I won’t be trialling them yet as I can’t be assed to input info again!

You certainly will be ok and you’re worth the very best - and everyone is here to help - as well as Gemini ha!

Help. New here. Divorcing but over a while ago. No dependent kids and live miles away. Didn’t think I was ready but a brief fling came along and ended. So stepping into online dating. Have my first coffee Friday. Any tips and pointers would be great. I’ve had a few chats on Bumble just die. I’m trying to make sure that I now comment with an open question. Would love some advice. (Is this the right place to post this or is this a new thread?)

Welcome @duckingclueless

Don't wear hotpants? 🩳

Thanks, both this and previous comments asking about where I feel I am emotionally with the breakup are pretty insightful. Honestly, it feels like my marriage has been "done" for a long time - we first talked about separating almost two years ago, decided to give it another go but then nothing changed... I honestly cannot remember the last time we had sex. We've kept things as amicable as possible in the separation and (when I'm not feeling irritated by the things that always irritated me!), ex feels like a reasonably good old friend but absolutely nothing more. I've shed a LOT of tears over the past six months but they've been largely from overwhelm / worry or grieving the relationship we never had rather than missing what we did have, if that makes sense.

So, yeah, I feel quite "over it", but I guess yes a bit worried about quickly taking out one library book after emphatically returning another 😆 and maybe have taken to heart all the advice that one should try to be "happy alone" before looking for anyone else. And I'm trying to very carefully examine my feelings because I want to be sure that I like, let's call him Mr Smiley, for himself rather than out of loneliness... 🤔

Welcome!

My only advice is just be yourself, but also be open and warm. Ultimately if you can’t be yourself then they aren’t the right person for you!

I find coffee dates tricky, but lots of others on here find them great. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

I’m in Scotland. It’s unlikely 😂😂

how do you find coffee dates tricky? I thought that they were supposed to be the best first option.

I love the name, Mr Smiley - I think Mr Tree smiles a lot - but too late to change that lol.

Sounds like you’ve been mentally apart for ages so it’s not a library book on instant swap - or it’s those actual library books I have that I finally return many months too late!

Main concern is that I’m going to be meeting the tinder swindler! How on earth are you supposed to verify randoms that you have met off the internet??

I always feel immediately like I am just talking to anyone or a friend, I think because of the atmosphere and usually the layout of the table / chairs it can be quite impersonal and coffee shops are often noisey and busy.

For future reference what is the better idea? (Avoiding alcohol because I’d def. Talk way too much)

I’ve had a couple of really good coffee dates in the past - we managed to connect and we left wanting more - maybe it was chance.

I didn’t manage that this time round - one eating, not my favourite activity in front of a new person lol. I think it’s potentially too long, if not too messy!

Other first date pub on a night in town - didn’t need beer goggles lol - but it’s a risk that I’ve fell into before - and again can be a bit awkward to decide an end time to it - or not depending how it goes!

Despite above I would go coffee for preference. I can’t really think of much else? Maybe a walk but then it depends on physical ability being at least a bit of a match - plus it might rain!

Edited to clarify - this part for @duckingcluelesswill be good - - looking forward to update!

I prefer going for a drink for a first date. I’ve never actually been for a coffee one but don’t like the sound of it - think I would feel self conscious. I’ve been for walking first dates and don’t much like them either. I think it’s just my own insecurities though that I find it less nerve wracking with a wine in hand!