The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

May I join you all? Decided recently to put focus on dating and met someone today for coffee. We got on well, chatted for 2 hours, and he wanted to extend the date by going for a walk. It was probadly the most comfortable first date I've had but I don't think there was attraction for me.
Back to the app and swiping..

Ah fantastic! Sounds just like my DP he made these efforts early on and still does

@rubberduck68 sorry to hear youve been thrown another curve ball.

The only thing niggling me is, youve had the exclusivity chat, but then discovered he still had the app and that there were messages on there? Is that correct?
He then said he doesn't read them? But clearly still gets the notifications as you saw them.

If this is all correct...and he said to you hed just forgot to delete it sorry but I do protest. If hes getting notifications he will still be aware of the app? So would be like a reminder to delete?

Just being cautious ⚠️

What does your gut say?

I always prefer for the person to think of me, rather than me ask them to think of me - if that makes sense?! Not be an afterthought.

(Hugs)

Great news on all these dates advancing 🫶

I find it just lovely but I’m unused to it - I’m pretty easy going so ‘whatever’ they want on, want to do etc I’m usually ok - I’m told you shouldn’t do that and lay some demands to ensure it doesn’t get to be a habit it’s their choices all the way - now I get that as I could’ve screamed by the end of the situationship when darts was on again - that he first started watching as I didn’t like it - yes really! But I’ve not asked this time, I was just provided!

Today - random trip to Derbyshire with him - it was so lovely - but found football was on on way home so I said put it on the radio and he’s like saying ‘no’ and ‘are you sure you don’t mind’ and I felt like without trying I’d become one of those girls who’s desires come first! I put it on and said he’d know if I didn’t want it so not to worry ha - maybe as I take the piss and he’s looking for what I really mean underneath but I don’t actually mean more than a chance to pretend I’m funny lol!

Welcome - this is a fab place to be - glad it was a good date at least. There’s a thought you can date again and attraction might grow? Slow burn?

That now isn’t my thought currently, after 2 dates with one where it had ran and hid far, far away and much further than date 1 lol and this current date I’m seeing where it was instant and continues.

Plenty more though! Keep us updated on irons.

@rubberduck68 I can see who unmatched me when the conversation stalled and tbf I’d have unmatched them but they got there first. Can’t see who deleted their profile.
It’s likely yours has actually deleted as you’d see if he unmatched you to keep the messages he’s got. A small positive but still seeing messages 3 months in suggests there’s an element of doubt for him. That can be totally normal, you don’t know each other well. But as you say it’s not what you both agreed.
Have been out with friends today and now swiped left on all men in a 12 mile radius on two different apps. There is no one left. Where I am, 12 miles as the crow flies can be an hours travel so I’m not extending it. They checked I wasn’t being too choosy and agreed the calibre was awful. And no irons from the wild. Not really sure what to do now.

Sounds like his profile is deleted to me.

I do think what I put in a previous post that he’s just oblivious- and really likes you. But he’s also making you anxious and I’m not sure if there’s actually a reason/feeling you just can’t pinpoint, but sometimes things are thrown up that make you go ‘ah yes’ or whether you are anxious anyway so worry a lot - my daughter does this quite unreasonably from an outside perspective at times tbh but another daughter will dump for no apparent reason and turns out she was right.

It’s natural to an extent when you start on this road - I’ve been a bit anxious about early texts eg with current iron - but I’m really trying to just see how it unfolds - that’s easy on a really good day like today but I’ll be back on a flat one I’m sure! Unfolding organically sounds well but isn’t the easiest ha!

How do you feel overall? I think you have a date tonight so I really hope this helps resolve things for you.

Ah rubbish. I tend to use old very intermittently so when I have been on I must look new to some folk and I get a few conservations then. Not saying they’re all good ones mind ha!

So I don’t know if that may work? Or check in regularly for new fish? I haven’t tried any other site tbh recently but previously I have seen same faces across a few. In fact, and I shouldn’t say this as a long term on/off returnee I am seeing some the same as around 2022 still there and some even further back - as am I, I guess haha. I have never gone on a paid site though so naybe more choices?

@rubberduck68 hope you're ok. I say this with kindness, but I don't like how anxious Mr Sourdough makes you.

I had to contact the fireman today because I was locked out and needed advice 🫠

Taking a break from it all. My friend found out at the weekend that her boyfriend of 6 months has a very long term partner. Its absolutely dampened the already dwindling want I had to date.

@CleanShirt your poor friend x

@Karma2023 welcome 😁

@Brightbluesomething burned haystack would say good filtering and now you wait xxx

Mr Soughdough deleted the app, said what's the point in just pausing it when he doesn't want it anymore. He apologised that he hadn't factored in how it would make me feel if he still had a presence on it, even if he wasn't actively talking to anyone. I have deleted mine too.

Hello all... I'm dipping my toes into this thread after reading along for a while. I'm recently separated from my husband of 13 years, I was very young when we met and we didn't really date per se before getting together so this is all very new to me 😬 Have got two kids (7 and 5).

I wasn't actively planning on dating for quite some time, but have met someone in the wild (whilst doing a hobby! 😅). I pretty much felt immediate butterflies the moment we made eye contact. 😳 We've since been messaging a lot.

Two catches - one is he is significantly older (13 years). I get the impression he actually minds this more than I do. The other is that I am very mindful of how "fresh" I am out of separation and whether it is wise to pursue anything at all at this stage.

So a maybe iron that I am ambivalent about putting in the fire?!

Welcome!

I think this really depends on how you feel about the separation and how fresh it is?

But if you have met someone and you think you’d like to pursue it then go for it, but maybe just go really slowly.

Glad you had a chat to him about it. That’s a relief!

Hey all, welcome to the newcomers! I am new too and have found this a lovely, thoughtful, funny, supportive space myself.

@rubberduck68, so pleased that you managed to sort stuff out with Sourdough, as from reading your posts it does seem like you have quite a special connection with him. And of course, the more it counts, the more we worry! Well done for calling him on it - that's establishing clear boundaries about effective communication and honesty in the future. Something I often didn't do in past relationships, to my ultimate loss.

So, I had a quirky surprise data last night, with someone other than Radiators! (Who is still dilly dallying with weird short messages, and doing nothing to firm up the promised second date in any way).

So, this was a couple of drinks in a lovely local pub (not the cheap Wetherspoons Radiators opted for) with Mr NHS, who I only matched with a couple of days ago, but he is clearly a man of action - he asked me out, I said yes, the date happened!

And I am VERY unsure what to think about it. He was sexy and great company in a way I was NOT expecting from his profile and pics..... To be honest, I only agreed to go because I was feeling a bit miserable at home, and I didn't remotely expect anything to come of it....

But we had a great night - he was interesting and SO easy to talk to. Insisted on paying for the drinks (I sound like such an anti-feminist bringing this up, and I am truly not - always more than happy to pay my way - but I am just realising how nice it is when a guy goes out of his way to do that little thing that shows some respect and like he is valuing your time.....)

And at the end, we even had a kiss! While he waited with me for my Uber. He asked me if he could kiss me - I said yes (there has been some arm touching and so on which felt good). And the kiss itself was pretty hot - in fact some local young guy leaving the pub shouted "get a room!" to us, which made me feel joyfully young and liberated.....

But the big downside - he is clear he is NOT looking for exclusivity. He was open about dating others, having FWBs etc. (And when I told him I was also dating others, seemed actively pleased).

I have no problem with all that - I am no prude - but I don't think it's what I am looking for right now? In the past I have had FWB too, but this time I think I would like to find "my person".

(And, raunchy as the kiss was, it still wasn't anything close to my first kiss with my ex, the best kiss of my life, when it literally felt like the earth fell away from under my feet.....)

Fast work @Ilovelurchers 😘

A lot of the time it is less about timing and more about how you feel about your previous relationship. Also, people sometimes drift apart for a while before they actually separate. My penultimate ex and I had a year-long separation process and it was 100% amicable as we just grew apart. I still feel warmly towards him and I was quite happy to date from day one as there were no difficult feelings to work through.
My last ex was a different matter and it took me seven months to even feel a spark of interest towards the idea of dating, never mind finding someone I was actually attracted to.

So pleased it’s resolved - I keep calling it that he’s into you ha! but I am no oracle, and I do worry a bit about the intermittent anxiety that is caused.

I look forward to further updates that are all heartwarmingly good!

Ooh - what a lovely, unexpected date for you - left a bit of a buzz I hope. It’s good he was so clear straight off tbh as not all are and that can get rather rubbish. Still a bit of a shame too for you.

Personally, I’ve learned I’m not good at sharing - whilst a generally laid back person who doesn’t worry, this scenario kicks off massive anxiety and makes me want to ‘win’ - I mean if I ever did it was the booby prize I know that lol but it’s how I react - maybe unfortunately I don’t know. If you’re in the space for your person then I’d go with that rather than see him just en route to that person as it were, but perhaps it could work for you that way? As a stop gap.

Mr Rad is failing as a great iron I think - disappointing- he may sort the date I guess but will you still want it?

Chemistry - it’s an odd thing - I’ve had it mutually instantly twice in my life - amazing but didn’t even have more than a few dates and it burned out. Were you with your ex long? Did it remain, the chemistry? They’re good memories once the anger or sadness have gone though I hope, I didn’t really last long enough with my matches to get to that awful ending spot, so maybe that’s different for you.

I actually found Mr Tree and I clearly learned how to kiss differently lol - but was good - the rest of it turned into absolutely ‘wow’ though - surprisingly but welcome - but have to see what’s next still.

Welcome - I’m pretty new, but everyone is great here and it’s a brilliant thread. It’s taken me a while to find my threads on here but there are great places on MN - as well as AIBU lol.

It depends I guess as to when it all ended in your head - you may have been mentally checked out a while and now more than ready for ‘next please!’ Lol.

As others have said I also have taken a long time to date again - as I was uninterested (or got busy I think tbf) but equally have had points where they look like I returned one library book and immediately took out the next.

If you’re feeling it then I wouldn’t overthink it - it may/may not work but you’ve also made that full break then from your ex I think and that can help with the mindset of all done and let you move on freely.

Tbh - and this may sound very weird - I’m glad that my last ex, situationship that just ground away, will not be the last ever person I slept with! Yeah an odd thing to think but I do - it took a while, and wasn’t the reason I went back to OLD but it is a pleasant bonus lol.

I hear you on that @MsJinks

Mr 🛬✈️ is being very good, planning more than one date ahead.
I think there is a mismatch in ££ although unlike Mr X he has a pension, a car and a plan...

Ooh - this sounds very promising- he’s invested in you for sure. I know it’s perhaps not always as straightforward as if they like you they’ll secure the next date fast, but it does show that they definitely do like you.

I’m not sure a ££ mismatch is always an issue - obviously depends where you are at in life perhaps - I’m not planning to share finances at my stage eg so guess it’s straightforward enough - though tbh as I’ve not had a full relationship since I don’t know when then maybe I also have just not hit potential problems.

My plans/££ are on the low side to Mr Tree’s though so maybe I’m just hoping it’s no issue ha!

I think if Mr Plane has plans and is secure enough then that’s good enough - I feel like this is how he manages his life considering his date lock ins - clear what he wants with a plan to make it happen - but also sounding fun.

Keep us updated - I’m loving these good news stories.

I'm at a similar stage to you regarding finances I think.

It might get interesting as neither of us has a place to ourselves 😱

Haha - hotels? I mainly go there as dog but I have my own place at the minute - that could well change, but I guess if it does I may have to filter on ‘own place’ too lol.

I’ve been reading all the updates….things are getting exciting with all the actual dates! Best of luck to everyone ☺️

Im still iron-less 😂 Although I’ve been messaging a guy on Hinge for a few days now but I’m finding it difficult to work him out. Lots of banter back and forward, which I really like. Some flirting going on etc. But not sure if it’s going to progress to an actual date or not. I shall wait and see but how long do I give it? For context, there’s been good morning and goodnight messages plus everything in between.