The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Not wrong to feel unsettled at all - I might end up here saying it sounds all good but I would be unsettled too I know - it’s so easily anxiety making so much of dating anyway without such as this..

Some people do have ongoing chats I think with no aim in mind but it’s obviously not this or he’d be answering some messages. I open apps through boredom, but I think you’d know if you did that with a dating one, you would immediately recall you were probably meant to delete it. There seems no reason except obliviousness.

On the other hand it seems to me he was open and keen on you and didn’t want to blow it at all. And I notice that every single time something bothers you he picks it up and changes it to make it as right as he can for you eg/here he deleted it without asking as well. As an outsider this is how I find it, but you’re with him so have you any separate feeling around his interest/commitment at all?

It all sounds clear he really, really likes you to me tbh - what he said about never felt like this is not only good to hear I guess ha but being very vulnerable with you imo - I know some can love bomb but I’ve not picked this up about him before? but guess you have to put this alongside any question mark you have otherwise.

Ah @rubberduck68he’s not doing himself any favours is he?
I know exactly how you feel as my last ex said all the right things and treated me very well , but there were just niggling things that sent me spiralling . Things that could be innocent or misunderstandings but also could be massive red flags .

Same! To all of this x

@ForRedShark I don't think there's a set time for kisses and rejection is part of the game unfortunately...reminds me of the film Pan's Labyrinth, at the end you're just relieved people only get shot.. in online dating you're relieved when people reject in an upfront way 🙃

@rubberduck68 trust your instinct here. To paraphrase Abba, Does your brother know?

Haha - love that ‘relief’ reference - so exactly right!

I had date 7! I got to watch F1 - he doesn’t like it - I saw 5 mins and done of football - he loves it.

Honestly, that’s very unusual in my dating life - very - and I feel a bit like I’m being a princess and leaving him bored - ridiculous I know, but habits etc.

Not at all…he’s been slower but he’s nervous around me. The messaging between dates has reassured me that he fancies me, and we have a cheek peck on date 1, I kissed him on the lips on date 2, 3 and 4 and finally just asked him if he was going to kiss me! I think he was waiting for consent 😊

I agree that that there isn’t really a norm as such but might be better to hold off on date 1 unless they are giving you very strong signals. If there’s a date 2 hopefully it means there is interest at least on both sides (sorry I know that didn’t happen with your recent one). I have properly kissed someone on date 2 but more likely just a peck on the lips at that stage!

I don’t always know if if I fancy them after 2 or 3 dates even which makes it harder to know how to play it. That is one of the tricky things about meeting a complete stranger - it was so much easier when I used to date people I already knew in the good old days!

Loving all the people getting to 4th / 5th & 7th dates! It feels like it might actually go somewhere by the time it gets to that stage. 🤞🏻

Mr Noodles has finally asked me out so trying to book in Date 1 for a week or so’s time.

I still have Tinder and Feeld on my phone. Haven't looked at either for months. Hard to say but I wouldn't be massively concerned.

Having the apps paused isn’t really as much of an issue after 3 months, it would be after 6. But going on and checking messages means there must have been some activity to check? That would concern me.
Knowing what I know now about my last date becoming obsessed, asking to delete the apps too soon is also a red flag. See how he goes, but do you know if he’s only deleted the app you met on, does he have others?

@ForRedShark I wouldn't kiss on a first date and I know most of my friends are the same.

I also find it horribly awkward if someone goes in for a kiss at the end of the date when there's been no physical contact throughout (eg if you've been sitting opposite each other all evening).

I would say don't go in for a snog on date 1 unless she's giving very strong signals and there's been some physical contact leading up to it. If it's a second date and it's going well try and get some subtle arm/shoulder touches in throughout the date and see if she responds positively/reciprocates.

Some people are less comfortable with physical touch and can take a bit longer to feel ready, but it doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you.

@rubberduck68 if I had the exclusivity chat with someone I would expect dating apps to be deleted.

I feel deflated. I've just been on it and our conversation has vanished. Has he unmatched me so I can't see what's going on, or deleted the whole thing? Yesterday in front of me he paused it. I shouldn't have to be second guessing whether or not he's in or out.. that feels off.

@rubberduck68 if you’re on Hinge, go to your profile, then safety then past matches. It’ll list them and usually tell you if they’ve unmatched or deleted their account. On Bumble it tells you this in chats (and which it was) but on Hinge you have to hunt for it.

"safety" doesn't open on mine?

It’s one of the three sections when you click on your profile pic at the bottom right of the home screen and then scroll down, not actually on your profile. It should let you access the safety centre and help?

Thanks. Right, it says no past matches. I had unmatched with everyone except him, so what does that mean?

@Polly1979 thanks and i hope your first date happens for you.

@Kaltenzahn very good points you make there. On my date last week, she never touched me and made zero physical contact. She didnt flirt or pay any compliments. She just chatted to me, a bit like you would chat on say a parents evening. So i must have been daft to expect any kiss at the end, let alone a cheek kiss.

If my Friday date happens, ill look out for any of the signs and if nothing happens, then i wont try to kiss. Signals happen for a reason dont they?

Where someone has unmatched me it says so. It’s likely he’s deleted his profile. So a little reassuring.

So if they have deleted their profile it doesn't say anything?

I have just matched with someone on the same dating app as Mr Expressive. Looks identical, same height, but a year younger?! Lives 30 mins away, Mr Expressive lives 10 mins away. He’s either a twin or a different account/different name or maybe just his doppelgänger. Will investigate!

@Chocolatefreak have you seen Mr Expressive in person?

I like it when they ask, Mr Soughdough did on the second date. It made me feel a bit safer, instead of someone lurching at you and you having to decide in that moment if you are going to duck or not!!

@Polly1979 hope you and Mr Noodles first date goes well!

@rubberduck68 I wouldn’t like that app thing by 3 months

I had my 4th date with Mr Singer this weekend, dinner at his, he had been really thoughtful in what he planned for the evening and it was lovely. So we will see!