The Dating Thread 57 - The Darling Buds

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Ta - tmi as you probably all know I’m 60 ha - but the chemistry is off the scale!

It’s obviously still the learning/navigating stage - eg/ I’m a bit sarky for fun but he sometimes takes it as more serious what I’m saying. Some stuff he jokes about I actually begin to realise bother him - but we get on really well too - my daughter said she’d die of boredom at our texts/conversations but we have really good debates on stuff I think.

Ah also found he has some chaotic family stuff - so don’t need to be embarrassed about mine lol

@MsJinks what's this iron called and tell us more about him?

This is Mr Tree - had 6 dates - 7th tonight.

I just think he’s simply lovely - that’s the word I’d use. Chemistry was unexpectedly hot from date 1! But also we talk about everything and anything and it’s fascinating. We’ve just I guess started talking about more personal stuff - and it’s nice there’s connections there.

He needs his space - that’s a ok with me but not sure he knows that yet - maybe the text issues earlier on reflected this.

Currently, I tend to be tend to take the piss (of others and myself) I guess for fun but he’s not sure if I ‘mean’ stuff - so that’s a learning thing now ha - he seems very comfortable in who he is but now noticing some stuff does bother him more -

Differences - he had a 27 year marriage (over around a decade) and a short live in girlfriend- around 2/3 years out - I’ve always been effectively single - so I think it’s clear he’s aware of how to be a nice responsive person to women but I haven’t learned the ways of men - and I never felt that an issue but maybe some guys feel that it is lol.

It’s very unexpected to me - guess I will just try and enjoy the ride!

Gosh that’s a novel - guess I’m in it more than just for the rude (omg edited to say I meant ride haha) - but we will see!

Should add - I didn’t expect chemistry now - I was expecting, if anything, a drawn out slow burn or well it’s ok and the ‘chemistry’ isn’t required.

I’ve set myself right up there for the future now 🙈🤣

I missed something off - yes really and sorry folks! - he clearly takes an interest in my interests eg/ he’d checked on sprint results for F1 which he doesn’t like but I do - updated me on my late ma’s footie team, not his team, and he’s bought same coffee as I had in my cupboard I think - I find that really nice and observant- maybe the previous wife training lol

Wow @MsJinks I'm liking him for you right now 😍

Well since it’s rainy and miserable here, and Ive finished all my jobs for the day, I thought I’d make a start on @SortingItOut ’s recommended book. Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl is a revelation! It describes my ex perfectly and scarily me too. I used to get so annoyed when he behaved badly and then just seemed to forget about it but apparently relationship amnesia is a thing. His brain won’t let him remember in case it damages his fragile ego. And blowing hot and cold is to avoid commitment and keep you accepting low effort. Now I can see why he ruined nearly every holiday we had, he was apparently enjoying himself too much, he had to bring things back down to earth with a bang so there were no ideas about being happy and fun becoming the norm.
And yes like others I’ve also recognised I’m unavailable too!
If I do ever find a suitable date then at least this helps to spot the signs. I thought I’d done a good amount of work on myself but this book is brilliant.

Well done @Brightbluesomething x

So many good dates happening, this is wonderful for all of you.

Ive just had date 5 and our first proper snog! He’s adorable and I’m really looking forward to date 6 which I suspect will be dinner at his 🤭

Good news 😁

Great news! It feels good so go for it!

This sounds wonderful - he sounds wonderful! So happy for you. There is hope!

I am wondering if I need to get this book too, now.

My ex certainly seemed to do the thing of forgetting when he had behaved badly - I used to assume he must be lying - but maybe his brain did genuinely make him forget?

And lots of other things you have said there have rung true to me too.....

I am still in love with my ex on some levels, also carry some anger for some things he did, so processing it, and learning more about myself in the process, would be a good call!

As for me - after the promising first date yesterday Radiators has so far failed to firm up another (he said he wanted one and told me to "leave it with him").

He and I have still been chatting though, and it's easy and fun, and now there is a bit more of an edge of flirtiness/sexiness to it - which I am comfortable with, to be honest, and I feel like I am being allowed to lead that side of things, if that makes sense? So I just hope he comes through with another date!

Have continued chatting in a desultory fashion with my other two irons, nothing to report there (their days were good! One had a carvery, etc etc).

And I did pop on to Bumble and see a message from another I had must have matched with a while ago (still not 100% how Bumble works). We exchanged a few quick messages and he seems nice, I will call him Mr NHS. To be honest, if it wasn't for Radiators I would be pursuing NHS quite hard, but Radiators has my focus for now!

How long would you give it for him to mention date plans before doing so yourself? Would you bring it up yourself at all? I'm definitely not one for always letting the man lead this stuff, but he did say to leave it with him......

Anyway, good night all, and enjoy the BH Monday tomorrow, those who have a bonus day off!

@coolpattern that's great to hear and positive!

If you dont mind me asking, is date 5 usually the " norm" when it comes to the first proper kiss? Was there no kiss at all on dates 1 to 4?

The reason I ask is, I recently only got a kiss on the cheek on date 1, and then nothing on date 2, so I have no idea what is normal these days.

I think it depends on the connection and how comfortable each of you are.

Is date 3 arranged?

No, she said after date 2 that she only felt a friendship vibe, maybe the cheek kiss was a warning sign.

Aah. Yes. Onwards and upwards then!

@Ilovelurchers I’d recommend it. It’s really cheap on Amazon and actually huge with lots of chapters. I skipped over the ones about cheating and messaging/trying to win you back as he didn’t do either. Now know the latter was because he didn’t care! His brain did what it needed to preserve his ego so his recollection is going to be very different to mine.
It’s brought some peace but the descriptions that fit my own patterns of behaviour were a little hard to read. I’m glad I did though and I’m not even onto the Miss Independent section (likely to describe me perfectly). I think that’ll be scathing 😬
You’ve got to be in the right place to reflect, so only you can decide if you’re ready.
If either of your irons progress it could be useful though.

@ForRedShark I wouldn’t even cheek kiss if I was going to friendzone, so I can see why it’s a mixed message.

@Brightbluesomething thank you for sharing.

I may have a date with someone new on Friday. If it goes ahead, I think I will just leave it to her at the end and not go in for any kind of kiss myself. Its so awkward not knowing what to do! I dont want to keep getting rejected.

Mr Soughdough is still on Hinge. Saw his app today when he opened his phone with message notifications on it. Questioned him about it, said he'd forgotten to delete it. We are three months in. WTAF? Liar or lazy? I have no idea but am not loving having to wonder...

Well you’re doing not so shabbily - you’re getting the dates so you’re doing something right.

I think it varies massively across dates what you do at the end - I see I’ve been quite forward from the get go with Mr Tree lol - kissing midway through first date but umm it was fairly obviously an attraction and a couple of drinks tbf.

Previously, especially the coffee dates, I have had a quick goodbyewhikst awkwardly moving away - you both want it over - and a nice hug - we probably hope to see each other again. In fact yes the Mr Tree is then unusual and I do normally self recommend to avoid beer goggles on a first date - worked out ok currently but hasn’t always ha.

I wouldn’t decide pre date tbh - see the energy - but for me, if you like her and think she’s interested then I’d go for the hug - I’d assume you really didn’t like me with no hug, and I wouldn’t initiate one anyway - all for equality but I let men make the first physical contact always - though that might be my age, so you’ll maybe get different opinions.

Well it’s the account needs deleting not just the app if you’re leaving the site - just clarifying that first.

Did you have a conversation re coming off the site? I’ve left mine dormant for long periods of time but not got around to leaving and deleting - like some other apps. Then again I’ve not had such a chat with anyone.

If you’ve discussed it and he agreed then that’s rather poor - from what you’ve said I’m not sure he’d be active - if he just hasn’t bothered and told you he would/had then that’s a bit of a potential future failing as in he agrees to keep you happy with stuff but doesn’t actively do the thing, or hasn’t - that riles me - just be honest!

If there’s no conversation previously then maybe he didn’t think - I think some of the previous stuff has been around him being a bit oblivious to stuff others may realise? You’d just need to manage him then I guess.

Where did you leave it?

We have not had the "pause Hinge" conversation, just the "exclusivity and not multi-dating agreement" but I made the assumption that if you are exclusive you pause or delete the app. He has looked at it though as he said he doesn't reply to the messages. So why bother looking then? That bit bothered me. We had a calm and civilised chat about it and he deleted it infront of me, which was his idea I didn't not ask him to do that. He then spent a lot of time explaining all he ways he really likes me and us together and how he hasn't had what we have before with anyone else, and then made sure to lock a date down for tomorrow. But I still feel unsettled...am I over reacting?

I don’t think you are overreacting and that would leave me unsettled too. Why is he getting messages if he’s not been active on there for months? Unless he’s suddenly getting matches and likes from people he liked months ago that does seem odd. He might not be actively pursuing people as such but if he’s going on there idly swiping that’s still wrong if you agreed to be exclusive.