Is it time to end relationship over blended family parenting differences?

[Talia37]

Is it time to call it quits?? Blended family issues.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, living together on and off as he has had different careers.
I have 2 children 19 and 15. There has been several issues over the years with his opinions on parenting being very different to mine (he has no children).
He likes to take the stricter approach however my children are very well behaved. My eldest is hard working and has a great career. Neither have ever been in trouble at school or outside of school, they are respectful and kind.
Our most recent issue is my daughter having friends over-on occasions.
I feel as though he constantly tries to control different aspects and when I disagree I get endless messages/conversations regarding his fews.

The last straw was recently when my daughter popped into our home with 3 friends for 20 minutes whilst she got changed.
Hes against this and I got several narky messages about how our house isn’t a doss house and if u let it happen it will be.

I’ve always had a laid back approach to friends coming over. I think it’s important and at least they’re not out on the streets. They are lovely kids too.

I’ve had enough of being stuck in the middle and have done several things to try to compromise but he’s never happy.

AIBU to stick to my guns and get out this relationship? I feel like my child’s happiness and last bit of childhood shouldn’t be tainted.

I wouldn’t say he’s controlling of me overall. I socialise as I please.
It is my home that I’ve lived in for 15 years. I privately rent. As he pays half of the rent and bills he takes the stance that it’s his home too and he gets a say.
I’ve discussed with him so many times how he’s come into the kids home and he cannot expect things like friends coming over to change. He has little empathy for this.

The comments on this post have really opened my eyes and I’m grateful for that.

Yep. My house growing up was the “doss house”. There were always multiple teenagers and in there if I was home (I was also out a lot).

My parents encouraged it and it’s some of my fondest memories growing up. I’d have hated it if I felt like my friends weren’t welcome.

Remember that it's not uncommon for relationships to run their course and come to a natural end. Time for him to pack up and move out to his own place where he won't have to put up with pesky teenagers socialising in their own home.

You're not married.
The house is in your name.
Your kids are fab.
Happy days.

He shouldn't be holding a grudge anytime he thinks your children are doing something wrong, because they are doing nothing wrong and adults tantrums are very immature.
I'm with you OP he is out of order.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here, they have lived together on and off so not like he has been throwing his weight around to six years.

She also says that it’s her getting the hard time about it whilst she continues to let the girls have their friends over etc, I doubt the 15 year old would be being friends round still if she had been getting abuse for six years.

living together isn’t working OP so ask him to leave, you are doing the right thing by getting rid of him.

He has no empathy for your DC full stop, he is jealous of them and wants you all to himself. That’s not love, if he really loved you he would’ve accepted them as part and parcel of you, if he got his own way and drove them away you would be heartbroken. Love is not actively trying to break a partner’s heart and destroying their DC.

You are in a great position OP if the tenancy is in your name. You can just ask him to leave as he has no right to be there. If necessary you can change the locks but please discuss this with your landlord/letting agent first. Be prepared to call the police if he starts getting nasty.

As someone whose mother chose their partner over them consistently I would say that you are doing untold damage to your relationship with your children. This won't get better as time goes on.

Thank you so much for your kindness and support.
We are over and he will be moving out in the next week.
This is the first time I’ve reached out on here and I must say I’m shocked at the hatred.

He's being quite weird - was he not allowed to have friends over when he was living with his parents?

I too am sorry that you've received such awful messages when you've reached out here. I'm glad you've realised that this man isn't worth your time, and that you are getting out of this relationship. I wish you and your kids the very best.

Glad you are ending this relationship OP.
Mumsnet respondes are on a spectrum from helpful thoughtful experienced advice to unpleasant attacks and outright trolling . You need to look past the latter for the gold.

DC bringing friends over is completely normal and tbh if a child feels they can’t it’s usually because of shame or abuse in the household. He is actively trying to make your home a no children’s zone to obliterate your DC’s rights, behaviour and need of home being their safe and secure space.
They feel the tension they know they are resented in their own home and tip toeing around him so not to cause offence to ensure you don’t get the brunt of his anger as he feels children should be seen and not heard.
Your home will be very chilled and peaceful for you all once he leaves next week, it will feel strange without him at first but you are doing the right thing for you and your family.

My SF was unpleasant to EVERYONE my mother cared about, because he resented her not being focused 100% on him. He wanted her all to himself and we were intruders, especially me. My grandmother - Mum's mum - who was anti-gossip, confided that she found him a "bit difficult". My uncles visited rarely because of SF's petty gatekeeping over everything - how the meat was BBQed, whether another bottle of wine was brought out, how much water was being used in the shower. Once, in front of everyone, he carved a roast chicken and threw the skin in the bin because "it's bad for your health". He made shitty little snarky comments that made everyone fully aware that we were unwelcome. He would get into an offended sullen brooding snit at the drop of a hat. And when he and Mum were alone, he would harp on and on and on about how shitty all her family and friends were - how crude my uncle was (he was a jovial type), how her friend was pathologically aggressive (she rebuked him for talking down to Mum), how I had a drinking problem (I asked for a second glass of wine)...

By the time she died, my mother was ill and had become very isolated. Her mum and one of her brothers had died, none of my cousins wanted to visit because he was so unpleasant, her friends and other family members came over for a 1 hour visit with her every 6 months in acts of selfless endurance, even the neighbours had stopped popping over because of his shitty behaviour. By then, I was living on another continent and came for 2 weeks with the kids every year, which was all I could stand because of him.

My mother was a gregarious, fun-loving, joyful person, she was very family-oriented and a ride-or-die type with her friends, who adored her. She fought against SF's possessiveness and unpleasantness, but as she became more ill, his grip tightened. She was pretty lonely at the end, which is so sad.

These men don't change. In fact, they get worse as they get older.

I've been on MN for many years.. it's changed, never used to be so nasty.

Sorry for the hate you are getting here, OP! I'm glad you are able to preserve the space for your kids to have their friends over when they please. But, it does appear to come at quite a cost which it shouldn't if you were with a decent bloke - so, another vote for ending the relationship. Good luck!

Oh I just saw the update.

Good decision, OP. That's great that he's moving out quietly. Was he surprised, or fight back?

I couldn't be bothered with his whinging OP. It's your kids home, and I don't understand why he's so intolerant of the people he's chosen to move in with, but mostly why he thinks it's OK to punish you whenever he feels annoyed by them.
Theres nothing that puts me off someone faster than them being mean about my children.

It sounds like it's gone past that point now and he's just a miserable bloke living in your space, ruining the vibe.

Ignore the nasty cunts on your thread op, sadly there are always some people who get their kicks by being utter fuckers.

Really good to see that you have ditched this cockwombling shitty specimen of mankind. May you and your dc live in happiness and joy without that arsehole pissing on you all.

💐

It's not like that here all the time OP, but you do often get some shitty comments because it's a big anonymous forum. You do often get some brilliant advice and support here too, but you have to be able to sift that out, and have a thick skin for the rest. X

This ^
And he is a massive arsehole with these views and attitudes. Next stage he would prevent you inviting a friend for coffee.
added: just saw your update- you did right thing not only for kids but for yourself, he didn’t sound nice.
Hope all stresses will go away soon.

Your husband is awful and controlling.

How can you stand being around him?!

I really feel for you, get out now as
this will get worse once there’s a partner and you have grandchildren, especially if they stay local.
Is it your house or did you move in with him?
It isn’t always easy to see how a relationship will develop, if he had been this difficult in the early days you wouldn’t have put up with it (ask me how I know 😫)

I’m glad you are taking positive steps and wish you and your girls all the best, you will be so glad you did this when you look back!

Thank you for your lovely comment ❤️
You really have hit the nail on the head.

Definitely me done and out.