Is it time to end relationship over blended family parenting differences?

[Talia37]

Is it time to call it quits?? Blended family issues.

I’ve been with my partner for 6 years, living together on and off as he has had different careers.
I have 2 children 19 and 15. There has been several issues over the years with his opinions on parenting being very different to mine (he has no children).
He likes to take the stricter approach however my children are very well behaved. My eldest is hard working and has a great career. Neither have ever been in trouble at school or outside of school, they are respectful and kind.
Our most recent issue is my daughter having friends over-on occasions.
I feel as though he constantly tries to control different aspects and when I disagree I get endless messages/conversations regarding his fews.

The last straw was recently when my daughter popped into our home with 3 friends for 20 minutes whilst she got changed.
Hes against this and I got several narky messages about how our house isn’t a doss house and if u let it happen it will be.

I’ve always had a laid back approach to friends coming over. I think it’s important and at least they’re not out on the streets. They are lovely kids too.

I’ve had enough of being stuck in the middle and have done several things to try to compromise but he’s never happy.

AIBU to stick to my guns and get out this relationship? I feel like my child’s happiness and last bit of childhood shouldn’t be tainted.

Omg, your poor kids! Wtf have you been doing all this time, to let him behave like this? I hate it when parents bring some total arse into their kids' lives and allow them to dictate how their children live!
The sooner you prioritise your children's wellbeing, the better!

He’s a controlling, abusive prick if he thinks your teenage kids shouldn’t be allowed to have friends in the house. Why on earth are you putting up with this bullying cunt?

Like everyone else, I think ditch him. If the worst your daughter does is bringing friends round for 20 minutes, you're doing really well! He sounds really controlling. Put your kids first.

Another man without kids who wanted a woman without kids but none of them wanted him, so he thought older teens would be ok as they would be invisible.

He wants a kid free existence and has only just cottoned on to the fact that he is in a situation where that is not possible. And it wont stop here. He will resent any time spent on them as they get older......graduation, wedding, baptism, grandkids coming over.....

It will split you up eventually, better now than later.

What a dick.

Teenage friendships are really important. I really loved that stage of parenting with all the young people hanging out in our house. It was a friendly, safe, welcoming place for them all.

@PyongyangKipperbang
The children were 9 and 13 when the op got involved with him.

But not living together and not little kids. People without kids tend not to realise that once they are at the tween teen stage that they need more input not less than when they are little. I suspect he was expecting them to gradually disappear and they havent.

This.

My stepfather only entered my life when I was in my late teens. TG I never had to live with him. He was such a petty, selfish, spoiler, self-indulgent, whining, petulant, self-important arse. I put up with him so that I could see my mother untrammelled, but my god it was one of the most difficult relationships of my life. And that's saying something, considering the awful person my father was.

When Mum died, and SF said a shitty thing about her (as he had done throughout their relationship), I dumped him so fast out of my life that I shocked myself. It was like purging myself of the years that I had had to endure his toxicity. I didn't even realise how much I utterly detested him until then.

I loved my mother very dearly, and I think she got trapped by this guy, so I forgive her. But I kind of resent the 25 years of having to put up with that shitty freak.

OP, your kids are much more important than a man.

The op says they have spent 6 years living together on and off.

What a misery he sounds! Think about what's potentially in store in the future: graduations, partners, even grandchildren - and him complaining about all of it.

Chuck him back in the bin and do yourself and your kids a favour

He isn’t interested in building a relationship with them or a life with you

He wants to assert control - do not let him

He crossed the line when he objected so severely to your dd bringing her friends round to her own home for 20 minutes.

That is a reason to dump him right there. Get the controlling bastard gone.

@Talia37 I think you're getting a hard time here. You tried this relationship and now you are seeing things more clearly and are at a crossroads in life. Do you really respect this man given how petty he is being? Are you ok with his behaviour potentially driving your kids away? Big events like graduations or grandkids, he sounds like he would inadvertently spoil those too.

I dated a man who had the potential to be similar. I was deeply in love but when we started trying to blend things, I realised he was someone who found it hard to understand children and as such, had very strict views in play, saying I let them rule my life. We split up very early on but I feel although really painful, I felt if he didnt understand kids then, how could he add anything to our family unit. But it was very painful because you also want to have something for yourself but you know its the right thing to break up. I feel for you.

@Talia37 is he controlling with you too? Because control is a sign of abuse.
Apologies if my first comment was a bit harsh but I did feel outrage on behalf of your kids. It doesn’t sound like it’s a happy environment for them to live in. It must be hard for them.
Is there anything that ties you to this man financially? Is it your home or his? I would really start making moves to separate from him as he’s only going to get worse.

Obviously it hasn’t all been bad. He does have some lovely traits. The relationship certainly didn’t start like this.
I do not let him dictate what happens!! I stick to my guns and let the kids do as I think is right but the arguments behind the scenes are too much.

Another vote for ending the relationship. Your dc should not be allowed to feel uncomfortable in your home. Put your dc first.

No need for this at all really is there.
Am leaving the relationship.
Mums who are struggling come on here for support. Not fair to be put down when you don’t know the full story just a snippet, to then be judged as a bad parent.
My kids are my absolute life and as a care leaver I am trying my absolute best with little guidance.

Exactly this. What you've described is just a normal part of being a family.

No need for this at all really is there.
Am leaving the relationship.
Mums who are struggling come on here for support. Not fair to be put down when you don’t know the full story just a snippet, to then be judged as a bad parent.
My kids are my absolute life and as a care leaver I am trying my absolute best with little guidance.

He doesn’t have different views on parenting than you @Talia37 he is intolerant of your DC and any children that comes into your home. Stop dressing his demands up as him caring it’s not him trying to parent them, he resents having them in his life. You have wrote how well behaved they are and I’m guessing you have said that many times to him when he has argued that they are feral and need discipline! He is trying to blame you by saying you are too soft / shoddy parent but the truth is he is trying to control you so you drive them away.
You need to get rid of the toxic tosser before he damages your relationship with DC even further and allow them the freedom of being themselves without criticism from a man who hates them.

My children’s friends don’t even knock when they visit our home, they just walk in, they will always come find me for a little chat and then wander up to my DD’s room. They help themselves to snacks/drinks, they have even been known to stay in bed til lunchtime after a sleep over if my DD has had to go to work early. They are lovely people and we have had an open door policy since they were in primary school, they feel like extended family. Your DH would drive my nuts. Presumably it was your children’s home before it was his. In my mind if he doesn’t like it I’d be telling him to sod off.

I’m glad you are ending the relationship, he has made you walk on eggshells regarding how you parent. A big weight will be lifted from your shoulders once he is gone, you won’t be criticised, punished or made out to be wrong by a man who is not only intolerant of DC but of you too.
You've never been stuck in the middle between your DC and partner, he has tried to make you pick him over them and punish you when you haven’t. The texts he sends, are pure manipulation to wear you down, to guilt you and punish you for not allowing him to control you.

This. I doubt this type of behaviour has only started recently, so your kids have had to put up with it from age 9 and 13. I feel very sorry for them.