Am I being too picky about a new partner's kissing and smoking?

[StartledPineapple]

Not sure what answers I'm looking for here but thought it would be good to get some perspective.

I've recently reconnected with someone who I had a fling with over 20 years ago (he's now 46, I'm 40). He was a bit of a lad back in the day and ended up having a girlfriend that I didn't know about so I wasn't a huge fan of his in the interim! Since then he's been married, had kids, etc. and seems to have really settled down - also we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else and I've heard nothing but positive things. He's not my type AT ALL on paper but I've had some disastrous relationships with people who were my type so thought I'd give it a go...

So a few weeks in and things are going really well so far. He's kind, respectful, very 'old school gentleman', takes care of himself and has been happy to introduce me to friends, etc. (as I said, small town - we haven't planned to meet). But there is just one thing that's putting me off and I don't know how to address it... his kissing

For starters he's quite a sloppy kisser, just wants to stick his tongue in my mouth all of the time... that's not too bad when things are passionate (the sex is great although we've not tried completely sober yet!) but it's all the time. Also, he's a smoker and I'm not, and it's really off-putting kissing him afterwards. He does chew gum and obviously brushes his teeth, etc. but not every time he has a cigarette (no point in asking to give it up!)

Am I just being really picky/fussy - it's been a fault of mine in the past. I can't exactly just tell him though that he's not a great kisser and has smoker's breath!

Tongue every time is really teenagery and off putting. Fair enough if its leading somewhere but not every single kiss. French kissing doesnt have to be sloppy either, and youve given me a visceral memory of when I had a bf who had the sloppiest style, like he was actively trying to put his saliva in my mouth it felt like. Shudder.

Nope, never smoked and never taken any drugs. Nor would I ever get into any kind of relationship with a smoker or drug taker.

it sounds like you’ve got the ick and that’s not a good start, get out now while it’s early days

I’m mid 50s. Dated on and off throughout my 40s for about 10 years. I had a particular type (physically/socially) but the actual relationships were fairly stressful and short as a result. Like you, I was also happy single but would be nice to have some to plan with.

I made a choice to let some things go and try and change my ‘type’. Your initial kissing disaster is the kind of thing I’m talking about letting go. Not serious stuff.

Since making that choice, I have been in a healthy, happy relationship with someone I actually have calm, planned future with. I was the best decision I have made around relationships.

Glad your night went well last night and it sounds like a good foundation to build on. And yes, drunken kisses are often sloppy. Plus you brought it up and you both responded well. Very good sign. Open, honest, mature communication.

I really feel people on this thread are vastly over reacting to the smoking. I’m a non - smoker and I don’t love it. But some of these comments are extremely harsh

You must be quite new here.

Sounds like this bloke smokes and he isnt a good kisser. Now on MN all the women are excellent kissers and not one of them smokes. Indeed they are all practically perfect in every way. In fact on visits to the toilet bright lights of white can be seen coming from their bottoms.

All they expect is that their wealthy 6 ft 7, Jack Reacher a like never ages past 35 is the same. Now, she may have been 'badly treated in the past' but none of this takes away from her ravishing, radiant beauty whilst waiting for her "true love' to get released from HMP Wakefield for ABH.

While other posters on here post hyperbolic BS about what all MNetters do.

Quite, so childish.

@StartledPineapple

Only you know what you’re willing to accept and tolerate.

Talk to him about the kissing. I’ve had to do this with guys in the past. How he handles the discussion will also be good to see, depending on how you raise it too of course.

Set a boundary with the smoking.

Communication is key.

Agree. It’s a bit of a reach to jump from don’t want to date smokers to equal only wants a 6ft plus man earning 6 figures who makes Brad Pitt in his prime look like a dog.

But hey what’s MN without a bit of hyperbole eh?

I'm obviously in the minority here because I'm a non smoker but have had absolutely no problem kissing a smoker if I fancy him enough! My current partner actually gave up smoking after we got together (his decision) and obviously that's better for everyone but it was in no way a deal breaker. If you love someone things like that don't usually matter imo.

The sloppy kissing I would be gently coaching him to improve, just as with anything sexual that's not quite working.

Keep going OP.

That's not how relationships work. If smoking is an absolute no (it is for me), then don't pursue the relationship.

yeah that’s why I would just leave. You can’t really tell him to quit smoking if he has done from before you dated.

If everything else was perfect maybe I’d give that a chance but I think he clearly comes with a lot of “baggage” for wants of a better word, so I don’t see him as some kind of special unicorn I would be keen to hold on to.

I've recently reconnected with someone who I had a fling with over 20 years ago (he's now 46, I'm 40). He was a bit of a lad back in the day and ended up having a girlfriend that I didn't know about so I wasn't a huge fan of his in the interim

Wait, are you saying he cheated on his girlfriend with you (without your knowledge) in your 20s?

Ffs. Throw this one back into the Dead Sea of divorced dads 🙄 why even entertain a man like this?