Am I being too picky about a new partner's kissing and smoking?

[StartledPineapple]

Not sure what answers I'm looking for here but thought it would be good to get some perspective.

I've recently reconnected with someone who I had a fling with over 20 years ago (he's now 46, I'm 40). He was a bit of a lad back in the day and ended up having a girlfriend that I didn't know about so I wasn't a huge fan of his in the interim! Since then he's been married, had kids, etc. and seems to have really settled down - also we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else and I've heard nothing but positive things. He's not my type AT ALL on paper but I've had some disastrous relationships with people who were my type so thought I'd give it a go...

So a few weeks in and things are going really well so far. He's kind, respectful, very 'old school gentleman', takes care of himself and has been happy to introduce me to friends, etc. (as I said, small town - we haven't planned to meet). But there is just one thing that's putting me off and I don't know how to address it... his kissing

For starters he's quite a sloppy kisser, just wants to stick his tongue in my mouth all of the time... that's not too bad when things are passionate (the sex is great although we've not tried completely sober yet!) but it's all the time. Also, he's a smoker and I'm not, and it's really off-putting kissing him afterwards. He does chew gum and obviously brushes his teeth, etc. but not every time he has a cigarette (no point in asking to give it up!)

Am I just being really picky/fussy - it's been a fault of mine in the past. I can't exactly just tell him though that he's not a great kisser and has smoker's breath!

Ew no. You're not being picky.

Enjoying his kisses is essential.

I couldn’t date a smoker, that would be a deal breaker for me.

Yuk. This would put me off too.

If you think you can ever get past kissing an old ashtray, keep going.

Ditto. It’s my number one dealbreaker. Couldn’t kiss a smoker

Same.

I would never go out with someone who smokes so I wouldn't even go there. The sloppy, I'm guessing slurpy noisy kissing? would put me off too. Just yuk all round. You're not being fussy.

So, he had a girlfriend before that you didn't know about, in other words he was a cheat in the past. Now he keeps sticking his tongue down your throat and he's a smoker.
There's a reason he was an ex
You can do better

I'd say one person smoking and the other not is a major compatibility difference especially if the non-smoker dislikes smoking and the smoker has no chance of quitting. The sloppy kissing MIGHT possibly be corrected or worked around, but only if he's open to changing, and that seems unlikely based on his age and experience and what you've indicated about his personality/level of flexibility. You just have to decide if the things you dislike outweigh the things you like; there's no "unreasonable" here. If you're worried you're coming across as too demanding by objecting to these habits - he's at least equally demanding by insisting on them.

Nope. Yuk.

You need him to stop smoking for his health, he will be dead before his time. Both my parents smoked and both died young from lung cancer. It's also a disgusting habit and makes everything reek. It would be a deal breaker for me.

Yep. I wouldn’t even consider it. They absolutely stink long before you get to the kissing stage. They are idiotic enough to literally burn money and for some reason also too thick to understand the health risks. It’s a huge turn off.

I would never date a smoker, or someone who used to be a 'bit of a lad' and is now divorced with kids and you admit isn't your type AT ALL. Plus he kisses like a drunk teenage boy.

You sound a bit desperate OP. I would be walking away from him immediately and reading your post made my skin crawl.

Eew. I had a smoker sit next to me on the bus the other day. That was stinky enough for he to get off early. My mum died at 55 from smoking related cancer. It was grim. Throw this one back in the pond.

If you don’t like kissing him now, you’ll be repulsed by him further down the line. Good kissing is a fab part of a relationship and stinking breath and slobbery tongues aren’t in the definition.

I could not be with someone who wasn't a good kisser, let alone the smoking part.

ewww. My vagina just slammed shut

I feel sick just reading this ... how desperate do you have to be?

Me neither apart from the smell it says something about their intellect and not in a good way.

Oh no you are not being too picky at all. it's grim kissing a smoker. I met my husband and he smoked so it was a deal breaker for me so I said so long. He gave up and pretty quickly too. The no kissing really motivated him 😂
Says he absolutely does not miss it one bit.

If you feel like that now, think how you'd feel in a couple of years when the romance has worn off

I have never dated a smoker, because that mouth is not coming near mine.
I have two coworkers I couldn't even sit next to, as they reek.
You're not being picky at all.

I can't exactly just tell him though that he's not a great kisser and has smoker's breath!

Actually, you can.

You're not going to be able to stop him smoking. Only he can do that. As for the tongue down the throat at every opportunity, that sounds vile. You might be able to change that, but at 46 he'll probably relapse or just won't bother to make the effort. You either decide that you like everything else about him enough to tolerate his shortfalls, or call it a day. Bascially you are currently incompatible and your reaction to his habits will become more visceral as the years roll by.

I can't make him stop smoking as it's not my decision to make for him, he has said he loves it and has no intention to quit.

I'd also be a massive hypocrite since I will quite often steal a few drags if I've had a drink - always regret it afterwards though!

I feel quite sad at being labelled desperate when he's absolutely lovely in every other way