Am I being too picky about a new partner's kissing and smoking?

[StartledPineapple]

Not sure what answers I'm looking for here but thought it would be good to get some perspective.

I've recently reconnected with someone who I had a fling with over 20 years ago (he's now 46, I'm 40). He was a bit of a lad back in the day and ended up having a girlfriend that I didn't know about so I wasn't a huge fan of his in the interim! Since then he's been married, had kids, etc. and seems to have really settled down - also we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else and I've heard nothing but positive things. He's not my type AT ALL on paper but I've had some disastrous relationships with people who were my type so thought I'd give it a go...

So a few weeks in and things are going really well so far. He's kind, respectful, very 'old school gentleman', takes care of himself and has been happy to introduce me to friends, etc. (as I said, small town - we haven't planned to meet). But there is just one thing that's putting me off and I don't know how to address it... his kissing

For starters he's quite a sloppy kisser, just wants to stick his tongue in my mouth all of the time... that's not too bad when things are passionate (the sex is great although we've not tried completely sober yet!) but it's all the time. Also, he's a smoker and I'm not, and it's really off-putting kissing him afterwards. He does chew gum and obviously brushes his teeth, etc. but not every time he has a cigarette (no point in asking to give it up!)

Am I just being really picky/fussy - it's been a fault of mine in the past. I can't exactly just tell him though that he's not a great kisser and has smoker's breath!

Either tell him you don’t like using tongues unless it’s in a sexual situation or just pull away every time and say “sorry I can’t, you taste like cigarettes”

I can't tell from your reply if you are feeling defensive on his behalf or just your own. If it's on his behalf too maybe you really like him and this is a compromise you are willing to make. I think no one is perfect all the time it's just what you can compromise on without compromising too far to still be happy, if that makes sense.

@Scout2016 I think I could probably deal with the smoking if I'm more firm about him not kissing me straight afterwards (and as above I'd be a hypocrite asking him to stop) but it's the actual kissing that could be the problem... I'm seeing him tomorrow night and we are staying home without any alcohol involved so I might suggest slowing it all down a little and see if that helps...

I've dated many actual walking red flags in the past and it's made me really wary now, this is the literally the only issue I've got with us, I'm conflicted

Your post reminds me of this.

I'd never date a smoker (or anyone whose oral hygiene in general was questionable).

I couldn't even fancy them and if I did before I knew they smoked, the minute ciggies entered the picture, I'd be off.

Hhmm akin to licking an ashtray..No thanks.
Ex smoker of 20 yrs.

Kissing should be responsive. The way he kisses suggests he isn’t tuned to what you enjoy, reading your response so the escalation is mutual.
So he’s basically selfish and driven by his own gratification.
I’ve learned to be fussy with age. If he isn’t paying attention to you, what’s the point?

My girlfriend probably smokes 10/15 roll ups a day. Can be more rarely less unless she's ill with a cold. It is grim as the smell seems to come up from the lungs at night. She opens the window in the kitchen in her house but the smell and smoke waft back in. I have to sometimes wash clean clothes that I've taken over or make sure I leave nothing in the kitchen or it just stinks of stale smoke. I do love her and I try to overlook it but it's not pleasant. I worry about her health as she's often coughing especially after smoking for 35 + years. When we met 10 years ago I would ocasionally have maybe one of two a day but soon gave up as regular smoking means regular chest infections for me. Difficult subject when your involved with someone I guess.

You’re not desperate, don’t listen to them , you’re always going to get bitchy comments on Mumsnet.

Personally I wouldn’t date a smoker .
You don’t like how he kisses either 😬.
Only you can decide if these 2 things are deal breakers for you 🤷🏻‍♀️.

What on earth…

op you’re forty, it’s not old but it’s farrrrrr too old to settle for men you don’t even fancy.

It’s ok to be single.

The only reason for a partner is if you fancy the pants off them and they actively make your life better.

A sloppy kisser at 40. Err na. We don’t do charity work.

If you were both 23 maybe. But at 45 (and the guy has even had a wife) If she couldn’t get him to snog nicely then why the hell would you accomplish it?

Sounds horrible.

Goodness no. Smoking is one of my very few hardlines. Couldn’t date a smoker. They stink! And kissing one? Bleurgh.

I can't even get within a yard of a smoker never mind kissing them. And even worse than that is someone who smokes dope. That's an even more disgusting smell.

Every time he'll lean into you for a kiss, you will think, 'Yuk, bad kiss, bad taste'. Do you really want every passionate moment to be like this?

Nope. He loves smoking so he will not stop. The kissing technique may be improved, more likely it won't be.

Three things would put me off.
1 his kissing
2 He is a smoker
3, depending on their ages, he has kids. Unless they were adults this would be a problem for me.

Wouldn’t be able to get past either. Proper ick just from your post.

@notacooldad presumably by your username you're also a father? Are single dads never allowed to date? I don't have kids myself (nor the ability to do so now) but I don't mind that he does - and he knows that for example I'm not willing to move in together (if things did work out) until the children are independent

@Sodthesystem I do fancy the pants of him and he is making my life better, that's kind of the problem here! I've been happy being single up to now, I wasn't even looking when I reconnected with him

Just saw you said you'd never had sex with you both sober. Try it and see how he snogs you then.

No, kissing a smoker is disgusting (and I say that as an ex smoker). In the same way I wouldn’t want to be with someone who has persistent BO or smelly feet or that weird cheese/wee smell, I wouldn’t want to be with a smoker.

Time to move on. Wondering what his house smells like. Ewwwww

🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

Does he know his breath is putting you off?
I'd have to say something. See what his response is.
I did once date a guy whose kissing was a bit sloppy. I taught him to kiss me the way I liked. It worked. For a while, anyway. I binned him off for a different reason.

I had a massive crush on a bloke in uni. When we finally kissed, it was like snogging a washing machine- it makes me shudder just thinking about it.
My feelings instantly disappeared 😂

I also dated a smoker in my 20s and it was like kissing an ashtray.

The thought of merging the two makes me feel quite ill!

@WhenTheDustSettles that's the plan for tonight!

@Beachwalker66 he doesn't smoke inside (although I appreciate the smell can permeate - although I haven't noticed it on his clothes when I cuddle him!)

@Turnitoffnonagain I haven't but I think I need to, I actually think the technique is worse than the smoking though...

presumably by your username you're also a father?
You presumed wrong., sorry.