Am I being too picky about a new partner's kissing and smoking?

[StartledPineapple]

Not sure what answers I'm looking for here but thought it would be good to get some perspective.

I've recently reconnected with someone who I had a fling with over 20 years ago (he's now 46, I'm 40). He was a bit of a lad back in the day and ended up having a girlfriend that I didn't know about so I wasn't a huge fan of his in the interim! Since then he's been married, had kids, etc. and seems to have really settled down - also we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else and I've heard nothing but positive things. He's not my type AT ALL on paper but I've had some disastrous relationships with people who were my type so thought I'd give it a go...

So a few weeks in and things are going really well so far. He's kind, respectful, very 'old school gentleman', takes care of himself and has been happy to introduce me to friends, etc. (as I said, small town - we haven't planned to meet). But there is just one thing that's putting me off and I don't know how to address it... his kissing

For starters he's quite a sloppy kisser, just wants to stick his tongue in my mouth all of the time... that's not too bad when things are passionate (the sex is great although we've not tried completely sober yet!) but it's all the time. Also, he's a smoker and I'm not, and it's really off-putting kissing him afterwards. He does chew gum and obviously brushes his teeth, etc. but not every time he has a cigarette (no point in asking to give it up!)

Am I just being really picky/fussy - it's been a fault of mine in the past. I can't exactly just tell him though that he's not a great kisser and has smoker's breath!

If a man can't kiss well by his 40s, you're flogging a very dead horse.

Smoking's a deal breaker for me. Not under any circumstances, I'm afraid.

Bleurgh 🤢 No, I couldn't deal with that - I remember kissing smokers back in the olden days when my standards were lower, and even then, through a cider haze, I remember thinking it was minging.

🤮 if it's bothering you, he needs to know op. He's not going to stop so this will be yoyr future if you choose to continue this relationship

Repeat after me : There’s nothing wrong with being single

Drunken sex, no matter how good at the time, is not a long term thing either. Given you had a fling years ago then his kissing and smoking should now not be an issue as assume it was the same then but you had just forgotten.

Critiquing his smoking and kissing is not a way to get out of a relationship you no longer wish to be in. Find a back bone and the words needed. Whilst it might have seemed a good idea at the time to reignite, nostalgia in relationships is very rarely a good idea.

You are choosing to date a smoker, and even admit you sometimes smoke yourself...

What is your issue ? it's your choice !

If you are not happy then end things.

If this is the only thing just tell him, tell him I don’t like the taste of fags can you either have a mint or brush your teeth before kissing me and the kissing thing will get better the more you kiss

People are saying desperate as you said yourself,

He isn't your type,
Is a bad kisser,
Mouth stinks of smoke.
Has cheated in the past.

That's 4 things you've settled on.

One thing sure as no one is perfect but seems the things you've settled for are deal breakers and you're trying to convince yourself that he's worth it.

Someone can be great but have that one thing that rules him out.

You have 4 things to get over, which won't be easy and doubt worth it.

Gross, smoking is a deal breaker. Throw this one back in the sea.

You're not being too picky at all. Everyone has every right to make their own rules/decisions about anything at all that matters to them. For you, sloppy kissing and smoking is clearly a deal breaker. For others it won't be. Don't compromise your preferences and maintain self respect. Chuck him back and choose someone else who doesn't give you the ick when kissing. But it's not just the kissing aspect is it? He'll be spending/wasting a small fortune on cigarettes AND there's every chance it'll impact his health in the future, probably meaning he'll have a miserable few years of poor health and an early death, especially if he contracts lung cancer!

100%

I used to smoke, gave up ten years ago. Had a date with a smoker (I didn’t know that prior to date) not long ago and the goodnight kiss was rotten. He’s not for you, nice guy or not.

I couldn’t kiss a smoker, and I definitely wouldn’t want to snog a bad kisser. 🤮

How times have changed. As a non smoker and snogged smokers, didn't bother me at all.

However the sloppy kissing, some people just have those slippery lips which are hard to engage with.

It all comes done to the throes of passion and how well it goes from there.

However, yeah, beyond the getting on well stage, there does need to be an engaging reciprocal kissing.

As someone who has been in the same position as you....I don't think you're desperate at all. I can absolutely see why you are conflicted.

There is no perfect. You're not going to find that. You have to decide where you are willing to compromise. And the other things you have listed...kind, respectful etc, may be more essential for you than instant good kissing.

I would personally give it chance and see if you can work on the kissing. It is more easily fixable than a temper, possessiveness, cheating and a whole host of other traits you come across when dating. And no, I don't think that's settling, it's just prioritising kindness and stability over instant sexual compatibility.

Can I assume that none of the ardent anti smokers on this thread have ever taken any recreational drugs whatsoever.

I'd have far more time for a cigarette smoker than someone who regularly did lines of coke.

What a leap!!
It's possible to be a non smoker and not take drugs.
How is that even an argument 🤔.

I'm late 40's, never even tried pot, and don't have friends who do drugs either.

The only two colleagues I knew who did coke also smoked.
It's not mutually exclusive.

I couldn’t either. It absolutely stinks and if he has no intentions of giving up, I would absolutely say goodbye.
DP used to smoke and I set my boundaries. 2nd and 3rd hand smoke are a concern but jt is the smell that I cannot get over.
Also, I wouldnt want to be with someone who had such blatant disregard for their health long term. At this point in my life, I am looking to be healthy and fit, and to remain so for as long as is possible.

as for sloppy kissing, you can try to fix that. Kissing is such an important , denial part of a relationship, comparability is essential! But if he was rather fixed in his mindset then I would walk away.

@UserNameNotAvailable9 thank you, I feel like you actually get where I'm coming from here! I'm happy enough being single, but I would like to share my life with someone, and I know that Mr Perfect doesn't exist.

@TheyGrewUp @Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease It's not such a leap really when you live in a town like a do where so many people would rather have a line than a pint on a Saturday night

I think things are moving forward in a positive way... we went out for some food last night and he went outside for a cigarette afterwards, came back in a went to kiss me and I went ugh don't when you've just been smoking... he was really apologetic and genuinely said he'd just not thought about it, and chewed some gum. The kissing was better last night too which I think was down to us both being sober and having a more wholesome night than the drunk shenanigans we've had so far!

I do find the smell awful from cigarettes , but it’s the health side that would bother me more being honest .
I’m 50 , single , looking to meet right guy aswel , at this age & you say your bf is in his 40s , cigarettes are just a big no no .
It is different when we are in our 20s .

Anyway, that’s good you guys had a lovely time last night , why don’t you chat to him about the cigarettes?

@Missj25 I could, but at the end of the day he's a 46 year old man and he actually likes smoking, it's not my place to try and persuade him to quit just to mould him into my 'perfect man'. I'm sure there are things about me he'd rather I changed but I wouldn't listen if he asked me to...

Repulsive. I'd end it, but that's me.

Yes , I do understand what you’re saying, he’s 46 & you can’t tell him what to do .
It’s just if you see a future with him there is no harm in speaking to him about health, & how you would worry for his with him being a smoker 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Fair enough but the little sweet stuff we find in a partner at the beginning am can start to be annoying long term.

So starting on a back foot with all the already annoying stuff will only get worse.

I agree with @Missj25 and others.
Talk about it as you would with someone who hid their drinking levels for example.

It's too much of a compromise and a deal breaker for many as it's easy to relapse and way down the line, he'll tell you you always knew he was a smoker.