(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

Ok I will stop

I was just so keen to help with what worked for me, ofc I care about OPs safety

OP’s husband is a rapist and coercive. She is talking to WA and is potentially at serious risk. Giving hints / indications that she’s ready to leave would put her seriously at risk. This isn’t helpful or safe advice.

Her husband isn’t ’asking for sex’, he is raping her in her sleep and while she cries.

OK sorry folks, hadnt read the WA contact part etc

Okay very good, leaving is best. Well done you.

Even mine waited till the baby was 18 months old before restarting tho during maternity, and not once during pregnancy!

Please ask MN to delete all your posts. You should not have given such dreadful advice without READING THE FULL THREAD. Absolutely irresponsible. And triggering AF for all of us who have been following and trying to help and being utterly sickened by what this man has done is and is doing to OP..

THIS @AsianBarbie. Immediately!

I've quietly been reading and not posting as OP 's receiving incredible support from many regular posters. Your late, lazy posts are sickening.

Never post on a thread like this again without reading it thoroughly.

Jesus, I've reported now and asked MN to delete

Ffs

I understand you guys WANT THIS MAN gone from OPs life , and for the right reasons - if OP has decided on that, then that is what is best ofc.

I had gotten to early April posts where OP was still wanting to stay and said she still loved him. And I suggested standing up to him if that were the case. By first gaining strength in herself to do so

What’s with the Jesus and ffs @AsianBarbie?

You made a bad call, the mature thing to do would be to say so without all the dramatics afterwards 🤷🏻‍♀️

FWIW many victims of abuse within a relationship feel they still love their abuser, it doesn’t mean it’s sensible to suggest they stay with them or do things to endanger themselves. Especially with someone volatile and sick enough to rape pregnant women and / or sleeping women.

I hope OP understands you got it wrong and your posts don’t cause her to doubt herself again.

Sorry you're right ofc @throwawayimplantchat

@PinkPoetAgaiin ,here is my life story - nothing to do with yours, read it just as mine darling.

Met him at 23 - he was attractive , sexy , older at 30, I fell hard.

Was married by 24 and he was abusive from the word go. Only some of the time. was a darling who would tie my shoelaces on for me before I left home every morning , the rest of the time. Beautiful sweet man most of the time, and then mask slip every now and then.

He ended up raping me three months after our wedding as I was still a virgin at that point. My body just refused to relax into anything beyond some kissing and foreplay. You see my body had its own intelligence and had already understood what my mind was yet to see. This man had a very dark side. He was also additionally on the spectrum with health issues, making it very complex to pick apart.

All through my 20s he financially , sexually , physically and emotionally abused me. I was pathetically in love, worried I would lose this gem to another woman. Was grateful for the good times when he was kind, like a little puppy.

I grew to be okay with sex and a baby with him , more than a decade ago.

One fine day , I 'fell out of love with him' - ie I grew up finally and could see the abuse for what it was. Could see through the facile charm to the weak bully.

There was no lock keeping me in it till then, the lock was being in love with him and putting him on a pedestal. The moment he fell off the pedestal , that was it, I was free. As simple as that. Asked him for a divorce, he threatened me with no custody of my own kid, as bullies and abusers do. I stayed physically to wait till kid grew up a bit (wrong call ofc) but meanwhile had left emotionally, mentally , in my heart and soul. Made friends at work, community, hobbies, interests, etc. Slowly I built a life without him, while still there. He genuinely changed and I saw he was capable of respect and being a grown up. I had seen through him and stood up to him and proved I was co dependent no more (never had been actually, had stupidly genuinely loved him till he pushed it too far I guess, neither of us know the exact day, moment it happened).

Other problems happened years later and we became toxic again. That's another story. Wish you well dearest OP, you are me 12 years ago, but we don't know who your H is so I agree with everyone here, pls have the strength to do what I did not, leave him.

I'm not reading your post. Start your own thread. Nothing you've said on this thread is helpful. Go away!

Actually I will add the toxic thing that happened after he did change and become a whole new respectful affectionate 'perfect' husband - it might be useful. Cos even when the dream comes true, sometimes its just too late

By the time I had changed so much and was staying just for DC to grow up to leave - I fell in love with another man. H was now being the perfect husband at home for a whole three years but only when it was too late and too little at that point as I had become emotionally attached to someone else.

When you taste the real thing, is sometimes the only way you know what you were missing when you were just surviving not thriving. It comes a very high cost though, and I hope you are wiser than I was and take these wise women's word for it and leave before finding the real thing out there.

Because I had not done that, I lost out on everything in terms of a chance at a real marriage / partnership

What is wrong with you?

Just go away ffs, this isn't about you.

That's fine if you dont want to read it ofc. But I do not see anything wrong in sharing my story with OP, not you, politely.

Actually, I think AsianBarbies post just serves to underline how messy these relationships are when you're in them. Everyone here wants the OP to leave, which is absolutely the correct course of action. But the OP wants her husband to stop raping her and for everything to be ok. She doesn't want to leave him, and she may never do so. I think a lot of posters are hoping for a lightbulb moment to occur. As misguided and unhelpful as the PPs posts are, they show how easy it is to get caught up in these awful situations, and how hard it can be to leave.

Thanks @Grapes308 , It has gotten a bit cliquey in here I feel and I am already very sensitive about the fact that my user name discloses my race. I deleted the advice posts immediately on being told to, but I don't see why I cant just share my story with OP - on a thread that she might not even read anymore as well.

'Go away' is so harsh.

I read your story, and I am sorry that you were so badly abused. And I am very happy for you that you escaped that marriage.

However, you are not healed, and you really should not be giving advice to other women being subjected to DV. I understand that you meant it well in this case, you were trying to help OP in the best way you knew.

But one should NEVER advise women in DV situations to "stand up" to their volatile, dangerous, and escalating husbands, who are twice the size of their petite wife.

The most dangerous situation that women face is when they resist their abusive H or want to or have left him. That is literally the murder point.

It didn't happen to you thankfully, but if you would have read all of OP's threads, it is a clearly imminent risk for OP. She herself is afraid of him. WA is deeply concerned. And the rest of us are following with deep anxiety for her, as she slowly wrestles herself out of the FOG and Stockholm syndrome.

I mean this with all kindness: please seek therapy for the terrible psychological wounds that were inflicted on your young self, so that you can heal.

And please don't give the advice you gave to OP today to any other woman, because you're literally putting her in danger with it.

I apologise as one of the posters to tell you to go away. This was after repeated requests by myself and many others asking you to refrain from advising OP in a way that could lead her to harm.

Many of us are invested in protecting OP after following her multiple threads and your advice was misguided after you read only partial elements of her thread.

You are of course free to talk about your own experiences and I'm sorry that you had to endure any ill treatment but please do start your own thread to share them. OPs situation is very particular and delicate and she needs to be treated with great care in order for her to continue to come to terms with what's been her normal that she's now recognising as sexual abuse, amongst other forms of abuse.

So I'm very sorry it I caused you upset. It comes from a place of well meaning and natural instinct to assist a very vulnerable person who listens to all the feedback she's given.

This^^

It's OK, @MrsColinRobinson , on reflection you're right, OP appears particularly vulnerable being still deeply in love with her perpetrator - much more trauma bonded than I was. I had only one DC thank God in my marriage - this allowed me to disentangle quite soon after ......

How are you today, Poet? I hope it's sunny where you are ☀️

@SaltyCara you are on the wrong thread. Poet moved.

Oh thanks, I did think that but saw recent messages! Will find the right one...