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Original poster

(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

875 replies

PinkPoetAgaiin · 17/04/2026 12:04

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
Original poster
PinkPoetAgaiin · 27/04/2026 08:07

YourOliveBalonz · 27/04/2026 07:41

That’s very brazen of him because in that context he’s basically saying he’s sexually assaulting you and thinks that’s fine.

You don’t have to answer but is he in computing, or into gaming, or even just on LinkedIn? Thinking of areas where that phrase might crop up more regularly.

I really think if he had read here with everyone telling you he’s a rapist he wouldn’t make a ‘joke’ like that.

Show quote history

I agree , and it was absolutely in that context, it was straight after I woke up to it .. again.

None of those things. I asked him who says that and he just laughed. I guess it’s a well known saying

OP posts:
DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 27/04/2026 08:09

I’ve never heard that saying before but it’s horrible ( in whatever context) but especially in yours. I am glad it’s a well known saying though ( I grew up on a home where English was not the first language).

For your own reassurance try stay off MN when he’s around as the only way he can find out as uou have other precautions in place, is that he creeps up on you :(

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/04/2026 08:13

You may need to get your devices checked for tracking stuff. I think women’s aid can help you do that.

Babyboomtastic · 27/04/2026 08:17

PinkPoetAgaiin · 27/04/2026 08:07

I agree , and it was absolutely in that context, it was straight after I woke up to it .. again.

None of those things. I asked him who says that and he just laughed. I guess it’s a well known saying

Show quote history

Did he at least stop?

Greenaeonium · 27/04/2026 08:26

My bet is that it’s from his “misogyny bible” … along with
“when no means yes” and
“she likes really”

PinkNosy · 27/04/2026 08:31

OP this gets said at least once a week at my work when dealing with convoluted internal approval processes etc. As per PPs he wouldn't have the self control to play mind games with you if he knew you'd been accessing outside help.

Doesn't it tell you something though, your utter terror at the idea of him finding out that you've divulge the reality of your marriage to strangers?

If it's all "normal" and him being a "classic man", there would be no issue would there?

You've known deep down since before you started posting here that it isn't, that he's not. But he's eroded your sense of self to such an extent that you doubt what you really know to be true.

SharpSheep · 27/04/2026 08:36

" He was telling the students about the hypnotic technique of using quotes in a conversation. An idea is more palatable ... if it comes from someone else. "The unconscious thinks in terms of content and structure. If you introduce a pattern with the words, 'My friend was telling me,' the critical part of her mind shuts off."
Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Arti…

Hidden somewhere, in nearly every major city in the wor…

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/900.The_Game

scoobysnaxx · 27/04/2026 08:41

It’s a common enough phrase but some people are completely missing the point that this was said in references to sexual assault/rape?!!!!

he has shown right there who he is. He has said I am aware I don’t ask, but I won’t bother asking, I’ll just do what I want with the body and say sorry after. I know you’ll forgive me and stay here so it’s not a big deal?

shocking. Absolutely shocking.

OP can you please think about speaking to your GP/woman’s aid again today.

please keep a secret log of EVERYTHING somewhere.

describe the circumstances under which he said this yesterday.

im so sorry you’re going through this x

WonderingAndOverthinking · 27/04/2026 08:48

It is a well known saying, but him saying it in this context just means that he is going to carry on raping you and say sorry afterwards, knowing you will forgive him. Think about horrific that really is OP.

FMc208 · 27/04/2026 08:53

As others have said it’s a very well known saying.

HOWEVER, he has said it to you in the context of raping and sexually assaulting you. He has told you outright that he is going to keep doing this to you. He will never change. He has just told you that.

throwawayimplantchat · 27/04/2026 09:09

Him using that phrase in that context is him literally telling you, after all your conversations and trauma and the fact you’re having therapy, that he plans to continue raping you and just saying sorry afterwards rather than not raping you.

Can you understand that? He is not going to stop. He doesn’t want to. And he believes you will always just forgive him so he plans to continue to assault and rape you for the next 40-50 years of your life.

You have been so brave starting to take steps. It’s crucial you continue to do so x

LizzieW1969 · 27/04/2026 09:16

What it means is that he really isn’t sorry at all, I’m afraid. Saying ‘sorry’ should indicate that you regret what you did and will make a serious attempt to change your ways. In other words, it’s about actions as well as words.

OtterlyAstounding · 27/04/2026 09:52

PinkPoetAgaiin · 27/04/2026 08:07

I agree , and it was absolutely in that context, it was straight after I woke up to it .. again.

None of those things. I asked him who says that and he just laughed. I guess it’s a well known saying

Show quote history

Oh gosh, I think I used that, in regards to PUA culture. It's such a well-known saying in general, though, and I think I probably used it because it's the sort of thing the men who followed 'The Game' would bandy about in that context. So on balance, I don't think you have to worry too much! As PP have said, I doubt he'd act that way if he'd seen this thread.

Original poster
PinkPoetAgaiin · 27/04/2026 09:58

Yes I think you’re all probably right , thank you ❤️

I was a bit gobsmacked when he said it, even as a joke. As you say it felt like he was just saying basically I know I can always apologise and it’s fine .

I have another therapy session coming up today. My day off changes so that’s why it’s so soon after the last one. However they’ve just told me my therapist I’ve seen twice is on long term leave so will have to start again with another one ! But she’ll have some notes I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkPoetAgaiin · 27/04/2026 10:14

SharpSheep · 27/04/2026 08:36

" He was telling the students about the hypnotic technique of using quotes in a conversation. An idea is more palatable ... if it comes from someone else. "The unconscious thinks in terms of content and structure. If you introduce a pattern with the words, 'My friend was telling me,' the critical part of her mind shuts off."
Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

Wow
This stuff is horrid. Do you think there’s any truth in it? It obviously worked on me and I was pretty oblivious

OP posts:
SharpSheep · 27/04/2026 11:22

PinkPoetAgaiin · 27/04/2026 10:14

Wow
This stuff is horrid. Do you think there’s any truth in it? It obviously worked on me and I was pretty oblivious

Show quote history

Honestly, I don't know, I had never heard of this book before your thread. If your husband has used it as his 'bible' he is probably quite familiar with all the techniques that can be employed and has probably used them on you without you realising.
All it can do is make you stay aware and curious to his approach to you. Keep questioning his intentions and trust your own spidey- senses.

I hope your therapy session goes well today x

category12 · 27/04/2026 11:51

I was a bit gobsmacked when he said it, even as a joke. As you say it felt like he was just saying basically I know I can always apologise and it’s fine .

Wasn't a joke.

It is his experience.

He does what he wants to you, and then if you complain about it, he says he's sorry. Even if it's a big reaction from you, even when you've left before, he's always managed to reel you back in.

He is positively smug and complacent with it.

YourOliveBalonz · 27/04/2026 12:06

PinkPoetAgaiin · 27/04/2026 09:58

Yes I think you’re all probably right , thank you ❤️

I was a bit gobsmacked when he said it, even as a joke. As you say it felt like he was just saying basically I know I can always apologise and it’s fine .

I have another therapy session coming up today. My day off changes so that’s why it’s so soon after the last one. However they’ve just told me my therapist I’ve seen twice is on long term leave so will have to start again with another one ! But she’ll have some notes I guess

Hope it goes well and that the new therapist is a good fit. Seems well timed, given the stressful and in some ways revelatory few days you’ve had since the WA call.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/04/2026 12:15

He said ‘it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission’

Why would he say that to someone who he knows is having therapy for rape trauma?

He really doesn't care about you at all does he OP.

What a nasty piece of shit he is. He grows smaller every time you post about him, the weasel.

FiloPasty · 27/04/2026 13:36

That’s annoying about having to change therapists Poet, hopefully this one thoroughly reads your notes, and is ready to go and helpful. Good luck today x

Isthisit22 · 27/04/2026 15:40

WallaceinAnderland · 27/04/2026 12:15

He said ‘it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission’

Why would he say that to someone who he knows is having therapy for rape trauma?

He really doesn't care about you at all does he OP.

What a nasty piece of shit he is. He grows smaller every time you post about him, the weasel.

this 👊

Now that you are realising all of this do you still think he’s a nice person? Hopefully every shitty thing he says and does helps you get further out of the door and away from him.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/04/2026 16:05

@PinkPoetAgaiin

I've been lurking on your threads but wanted to tell you that I've been 'watching' your eyes open bit by bit.

What he said 'as a joke' I think has made them open almost fully. Now you need to allow yourself to fully believe that what you know about him is the 'real truth'. He is just as much as criminal as some man lurking in a dark alley waiting for some poor random victim to get close enough to grab.

I know you're scared. I know you don't want to have to deal with such a massive change to your life. But you will be so much better off emotionally and physically in the long run once you've gotten yourself free. You may not be ready to make that change today. But please keep working towards it. You'll get there, I know you will.

Remember the quote from AA Milne; "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think".

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/04/2026 17:11

That stuff about the ‘a friend told me that’, is the kind of thing taught in pushy sales environments.
Put it in their hand, it’s much harder for them to give it back, drop your hands so they can’t give it back.
Go in with a stratospheric price. When they say they can’t manage it, ask what they could manage. Find them a budget version, they can’t say know because they said they’d have it at that price etc.

RS1987 · 27/04/2026 17:11

What was the phrase/ saying he said? It has been deleted I think

edited to say I’ve seen it now

Bloody hell he doesn’t give a shit does he

alexdgr8 · 27/04/2026 17:14

See above at 12.15