(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

I agree , and it was absolutely in that context, it was straight after I woke up to it .. again.

None of those things. I asked him who says that and he just laughed. I guess it’s a well known saying

I’ve never heard that saying before but it’s horrible ( in whatever context) but especially in yours. I am glad it’s a well known saying though ( I grew up on a home where English was not the first language).

For your own reassurance try stay off MN when he’s around as the only way he can find out as uou have other precautions in place, is that he creeps up on you :(

You may need to get your devices checked for tracking stuff. I think women’s aid can help you do that.

Did he at least stop?

My bet is that it’s from his “misogyny bible” … along with
“when no means yes” and
“she likes really”

OP this gets said at least once a week at my work when dealing with convoluted internal approval processes etc. As per PPs he wouldn't have the self control to play mind games with you if he knew you'd been accessing outside help.

Doesn't it tell you something though, your utter terror at the idea of him finding out that you've divulge the reality of your marriage to strangers?

If it's all "normal" and him being a "classic man", there would be no issue would there?

You've known deep down since before you started posting here that it isn't, that he's not. But he's eroded your sense of self to such an extent that you doubt what you really know to be true.

" He was telling the students about the hypnotic technique of using quotes in a conversation. An idea is more palatable ... if it comes from someone else. "The unconscious thinks in terms of content and structure. If you introduce a pattern with the words, 'My friend was telling me,' the critical part of her mind shuts off."
Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

It’s a common enough phrase but some people are completely missing the point that this was said in references to sexual assault/rape?!!!!

he has shown right there who he is. He has said I am aware I don’t ask, but I won’t bother asking, I’ll just do what I want with the body and say sorry after. I know you’ll forgive me and stay here so it’s not a big deal?

shocking. Absolutely shocking.

OP can you please think about speaking to your GP/woman’s aid again today.

please keep a secret log of EVERYTHING somewhere.

describe the circumstances under which he said this yesterday.

im so sorry you’re going through this x

It is a well known saying, but him saying it in this context just means that he is going to carry on raping you and say sorry afterwards, knowing you will forgive him. Think about horrific that really is OP.

As others have said it’s a very well known saying.

HOWEVER, he has said it to you in the context of raping and sexually assaulting you. He has told you outright that he is going to keep doing this to you. He will never change. He has just told you that.

Him using that phrase in that context is him literally telling you, after all your conversations and trauma and the fact you’re having therapy, that he plans to continue raping you and just saying sorry afterwards rather than not raping you.

Can you understand that? He is not going to stop. He doesn’t want to. And he believes you will always just forgive him so he plans to continue to assault and rape you for the next 40-50 years of your life.

You have been so brave starting to take steps. It’s crucial you continue to do so x

What it means is that he really isn’t sorry at all, I’m afraid. Saying ‘sorry’ should indicate that you regret what you did and will make a serious attempt to change your ways. In other words, it’s about actions as well as words.

Oh gosh, I think I used that, in regards to PUA culture. It's such a well-known saying in general, though, and I think I probably used it because it's the sort of thing the men who followed 'The Game' would bandy about in that context. So on balance, I don't think you have to worry too much! As PP have said, I doubt he'd act that way if he'd seen this thread.

Yes I think you’re all probably right , thank you ❤️

I was a bit gobsmacked when he said it, even as a joke. As you say it felt like he was just saying basically I know I can always apologise and it’s fine .

I have another therapy session coming up today. My day off changes so that’s why it’s so soon after the last one. However they’ve just told me my therapist I’ve seen twice is on long term leave so will have to start again with another one ! But she’ll have some notes I guess