(TW SA) Continuing support & sharing things…

[PinkPoetAgaiin]

Hi again everyone,

Making a new thread as some of the lovely ladies who have been supporting me for over a month now suggested I can continue to share my thoughts & feelings dealing with sexual & financial abuse (& other things) from my husband who I’ve been with since I was 18 (15 years).

Will be on and off for a bit as young DC is unwell at the moment and that’s taking all my energy.

I am not yet at the point of leaving - please don’t shout at me for being a bad mum. I did get a lot of criticism on my last thread for not getting them out immediately and I just can’t for reasons I explained.

Life feels heavy, but I’m focusing on DC at the moment ❤️

I think most 18 year olds make bad choices, it’s just that most are lucky enough to not meet predatory abusers like your DH. You didn’t just make a choice and you ended up here, he - a man around the age you are now - picked you up as an 18 year old (a traumatised one at that) and has been controlling you ever since. The one thing he doesn’t seem to have done is isolate you from your family, but it looks to me like he hasn’t needed to - you are effectively isolated anyway, as you can’t speak to anyone about it.

I worry that Poet is so ground down, and has his abusive behaviour so normalised, that she might not recognise or register red flags that indicate things might become truly dangerous.

Hearing about his pattern of behaviour over the past several days, combined with him verbally abusing the children and Poet on a day when he might normally put on a 'charming' front, makes me concerned that he may be escalating further.

The longer she stays the more dangerous things will become, although I can understand her fear and reluctance.

Yes I see what you mean and I suppose I am guilty of not mentioning it all upfront but I didn’t really feel like it was anything out of the ordinary. Certainly not abusive.

He is often lovely to me, does all those ‘fun dad’ things, is really generous with gifts and money, loving and gushing about how he feels about me. But a lot of it is in response to a period of moody or bad behaviour. But I thought there was nothing abnormal about this until I posted on here.

I still want him to be happy and in a good mood with me. When he looks over and gives me a genuine smile that isn’t forced I feel relieved and elated. I feel I have to ask random questions thought out the day to check his tone and make sure it’s not tense or angry. Like little check ins to check his mood. I worry about what he’s tense and angry about.

I’m so sorry to sound naive but is it really?!
Examples like waking up in the morning and he’s groping boobs/bum or my body in some way on top of pjs ?
It would have never occurred to me
This happens every single day

Yes. It's sexual assault and a criminal offence that he could be sent to prison for. No this isn't normal behaviour. It's sexually abusive.

Obviously waking up cuddled with him asleep with his hand on your boob because you've naturally spooked in your sleep is different. But that's clearly not what's been happening.

Yes this is sexual harassment. Uninvited sexual contact from someone who frequently sexually coerced you and has also raped you.

He is escalating and as women’s aid have told you, he is dangerous to the point they (the leading experts) are concerned for you and your children.

It must be terrifying for your eyes to be opening to all this, like suddenly realising you’re living in a nightmare.

We are all here for you x

Yes, as pp have said it is sexual assault. Think of it like this, would it be sexual assault if a random man came up to you and touched you sexually like this? Of course it would. Being your husband is no different. You are waking up to him sexually assaulting you so much that you think it’s normal.

If I ever, EVER woke up once to my DH groping me, touching me sexually while I was asleep that would be the end of our marriage. Decent normal men would not sexually assault their wives like this.

Sometimes I might give my DH explicit permission to do this, because it can be a fun and playful way to wake up in a healthy relationship. But: he would never do it without me offering it (he might ask once in a blue moon, but I feel comfortable saying 'no'). And if it seemed like I wasn't in the mood in the morning - still sleepy, or just not into it when he made the first tentative overtures, then he would immediately stop.

Within the context of a healthy relationship, these kinds of things can be consensual and fun but only because both parties feel free to say, 'no, I don't want to' without fear of sulking, reprisals, 'punishment', or any other backlash.

In a situation where you're afraid to say 'no', then it's literally impossibly to freely consent to anything, because that pressure to say 'yes' is always ticking away in the back of your head, affecting every decision you make.

So yes, in the context of your relationship, where you're not enthusiastically consenting to wake up like that, and you feel you can't freely and happily say 'no', it is sexual assault.

Your ‘in love’ feeling is more akin to Stockholm Syndrome. It’s probably damaged you more than you realise because your full adult life has not been about discovering who you are but has instead revolved around him. I think your children are being robbed of knowing who you are when you’re not having to fawn as a survival instinct.

Jesus, I'm so sorry.

The more you write about this man, the more I want to punch him in the throat. What a vile, manipulative, lecherous creep he is 🤢
I can’t fathom why on earth anyone would want to continue sharing space with him; managing his moods and craving his approval. How exhausting 😔

OP- if you want change, you really need to get some pro active RL support, someone to advocate for you and your kids if you can’t do it yourself and find your roar.
If you don’t, you and your kids will be stuck in this shitty abusive relationship forever.
Sadly, I don’t think the change everyone here wants for you is the same change you want for yourself.
I honestly don’t know what outcome you want from these threads?

Perhaps if you think of it as a person questioning the cult they've spent their adult life immersed in. The process is likely similar.

First the person has to understand that something is wrong, and that what's happening in the cult isn't normal - it's abusive. Their entire view of reality has to shift. That's hard.
Then they have to try to accept the fact that the people they believed cared about them - that they still want to believe cares about them - are actually manipulating and abusing them. That's even more difficult to grapple with.
Then they have to understand that most of their worldviews, their habits, their thought processes, are all resulting from this abusive, disordered life, and aren't founded in healthy reality. They have to accept that they have been disconnected from normality for a long time, and their perception is warped.
And finally, they have to - despite years of ingrained habit, and severe power imbalances - build up the personal strength to be able to leave that familiar environment for the frightening unknown of freedom.

It takes time. And while I wish that Poet could whisk her children off to the safety of her mum's now, it's normal and understandable that it's going to take her time to gradually build up to that.

She's dealing with a massive, destabilising shift in her world view, and doing really well not to just run away from it and try to stick her head in the sand again. All we can do is keep providing her with a supportive touchstone that points out the abuse, and encourages her to keep mentally and emotionally moving to break free of his influence.

' is really generous with gifts and money,'

No he is not, he is financially abusive

as you have no idea how much is in every bank account, and how much he has in his savings

do you even know how much he earns ?

he controls if you can afford your therapy - to the extent you were going to ask your parents to pay

your wages get paid into an account he controls

thus he chooses decides if he wants to give gifts / money

Unfortunately, I knew the opposite would be true as these men who are abusive in one way are always abusive in many ways.

OP, I hope you continue to recognise the pattern of his behaviour and how he uses abuse to try to keep you in your place (eg the finances, swearing at you, driving too fast). It’s all part of him exerting control over you and seeing you as his property. And this is what makes him so dangerous. These men are the type of men who do serious harm and/ or kill.

The sooner you see him for what he is, the easier it will be for you to (hopefully) leave him and get you and your children to safety.

It’s hard to accept I just made a bad choice 15 years ago and this is the consequence.

Something that may not have occurred to you OP.

You want to stay with him and you talk about your feelings towards him like a great love story. A rescuer, a protector, a great romance. But actually, you are also following the script. You are playing your part in this charade.

Abuse is daily in your house. It starts before you wake with him touching you sexually without your permission and it continues throughout the day with you walking on eggshells around him and taking whatever verbal abuse or physical aggression he throws at you and your children.

When you leave the house, you both put your masks on. You both smile, hold hands, greet your friends and family with a cheery smile. He smiles at you across a crowded room and you feel elated. When you get home, the door closes, the masks come off, the pantomime ends and you wait to see if you will be raped that night. That is not what love looks like.

This is not a love story and you are not special. He is a regular, script following abuser and you are a regular, script following, abused woman. Your experience is so familiar to so many posters on this thread because it's what all abused women do.

Your relationship is not special. There are hundreds of women in your position, putting on a mask, not wanting to leave, thinking they are in love. And there is support out there for those women precisely because of this that can help you see that this is not what love looks like.

Some manage to walk away from the charade. Some wait until the children are older (worse for the children but easier for them) and many never escape at all.

He picked you to abuse, not because you're special (if it hadn't have been you it would have just been some other vulnerable young woman) but because you were right there and he took advantage of that situation.

He studied a book to learn how to abuse women. You are not special to him at all, any vulnerable woman will do. That's not what love looks like.

You are not special in this scenario, he is not special, neither of you are in love, this is not a love story, this is a horror story.

I really hope that one day you do get to experience love but first you need to just be you, free of all these fears and restrictions that stop you enjoying life. You are so young, you will regret wasting your youth if you continue to live like you are now. You have barely begun to live. You haven't experienced freedom and joy and everything that is out there in the world which is wonderful. You are hiding in the dark, a shadow of yourself.

If you stay with him knowing what you know now, you will look back, like you are looking back now, and you will say why did I do that. Why did I make such a bad choice.

I agree with @WallaceinAnderland . I wasted my 20’s, 30’s and got away early 40’s. I do feel the best years of my life were robbed and wasted. I had no hens night, baby showers, no joy. Now I am in my 40’s and all that stress has caught up with my neglected body. An array of medical conditions ( thanks fully none life threatening) but the stress of an abusive relationship quite frankly fucks up your body, immune system and I am constantly hyper vigilant. Where as he’s walking around in perfect health, a decorated well paid career and going on lots of holidays. Yes I am bitter in this moment writing this but I’m incredibly lucky, I have so much peace and quiet at home.

Yes @PinkPoetAgaiin, it absolutely is. He is touching you in a sexual manner without your knowledge or consent. If a stranger groped your bum or boobs, you'd consider it assault, no? Why is it any different just because youre married to him? I'm so sorry. He is sexually assaulting you daily.

Fantastic post.

Yes! It’s a Lord Bountiful act - it’s hardly “with all my worldly goods I thee endow” is it?
What’s his is his and what’s yours is also his. That’s hardly fair.

I think the best way to sum up your husbands “ generosity” , is that what he gives with one hand, he takes with the other.

i hope you and your children are ok Poet. Remember , none of your deserve this.

i really hate the saying “ you made your bed so lie in it”. Hell no. You made an innocent mistake to trust and you should not resign yourself to a joyless life.

RE the morning groping.

aside from what everyone else has said regarding it being assault if its stranger or husband; try thinking of it this way instead.

He is treating your body like it is his. Like it is his to touch and grope. Your own areas, which may be intimate, or not. But they are not his. They are not on his body.
they are yours. And therefore, the only person that needs to decide if you want to touch,or for them to be touched by someone, is
you.

I still want him to be happy and in a good mood with me. When he looks over and gives me a genuine smile that isn’t forced I feel relieved and elated. I feel I have to ask random questions thought out the day to check his tone and make sure it’s not tense or angry. Like little check ins to check his mood. I worry about what he’s tense and angry about.

Of course you do, but that's not a positive thing or loving him thing - that's vigilance and appeasement.

His mood rules the household and that's only normal in abusive environments.

OP, I am very glad you have contacted womens aid, please believe they are the experts here and it may be you need a professional to point out clearly that he is a risk to your children as well as yourself as unfortunately you seem either completely unable to see this, or in denial at the best.

As others have pointed out, his behaviour is so much more than just sexual assault which is horrific in itself.

I said in your last thread that your children are learning how relationships should be from how he treats you and how you react. You have said a number of times they would be distraught if you split. I feel very strongly that in the long term they would feel nothing but relief, and happiness at being able to behave as normal children. You say how desperate you are for him to be nice to you, your children will feel exactly the same, and will be walking on eggshells and living in fear for setting off his moods and anger. That is no way for small children to live, they deserve so much more, and they are being exposed to so much more abuse than I think you are willing to admit.

.

The question you should actually ask yourself Poet is - do you enjoy him doing this to you? Is this an aspect of your relationship that makes you happy?

Whether or not something "counts" as sexual assault or not shouldn't actually matter. Do you enjoy being woken up by your husband groping your body every morning? How does that make you feel? Do you look forward to it?

I know what the answers to these questions would be if I were in your shoes. Do you actually know how you feel about being woken up every day being groped Poet? Or has he made all your waking thoughts so centred on him now that you haven't ever really thought about what you want or enjoy?