Hi Poet
I wanted to push back a little on this message from the last thread. Because I think there's a piece missing. I'll post what you wrote and what I thought.
Thank you ❤️ I may start a new thread in a bit but I get anxious no one will want to hear me whining anymore
Belittling yourself and making yourself small, as you've been trained. Very normal for someone living with abuse. But also, a really good way to deflect a difficult truth. Posters haven't been saying you're whining, they've been expressing worry for your kids, worry for you, and stating the facts of what is actually happening. If when that expression happens you close down and leave, my concern is that the truth is so huge, you can't see it. If other posters stay in the lie that this is just a bit wrong, just a bit damaging, so that you stay on here, my worry is that you are less likely to leave.
you’ve all been such a support to me
Lovely, and I hope it is. But a worry of mine is that we're acting as a very bad counsellor. Making the session nice for you, which takes the edge off, which makes is less likely you'll make changes. Basically emotionally supporting you to stay in a dangerous, abusive place. Support is great. It is. But so is challenging your dissonance, pushing on who he is, asking about small plans and changes so you move in a direction to help you and the kids. Just so you are aware going into it, the specialised counselling will be hard. All good therapy is hard. Because change is hard. If it's easy, it's not working.
Now, we aren't counsellors. But if you are abused repeatedly, almost daily, feel horrible, come on here, feel better, go back to your life... we're just enabling. We're keeping you there by sharing your lie that it isn't that bad.
Shes doing well now but we were in hospital last night as needed steroids.
Thank goodness!
Times like this DH really steps up and sorts all the others out without me having to tell him what to do. One redeeming feature
Of COURSE he does. He needs the force field of Good Dad for many reasons. To name a few:
So you believe he's good and it outweighs and abuse.
So the children are confused and stay compliant.
So you think other people will believe him.
So he can believe himself he's good with one flaw.
So you stay...
… and no one jump down my throat for being an abuser supporter please!!!
You are an apologist for your own abuse. That is completely normal, totally typical and a symptom of what you're going through. If abusers were 100% dreadful all the time they wouldn't have anyone to abuse. You'd leave in the first ten minutes. And we've all met the easy to spot ones. It's the complicated, manipulative ones that get us.
And he's your husband, it's natural to defend him. We all defend the little flaws in the people we love. We justify them and minimise them and try to ignore them. And that's normal. But you have to hold two completely opposite truths in your head. He's a man who helps you when bad things happen. He also rapes you and coerces you into unwanted sex and is angry and dangerous. The anxiety and feelings of wanting to avoid the threads come from this tension.
You aren't an abuser supporter but you are in denial. Which is normal. But if you discount and blame the posters who point this out, to try to square the circle of your relationship, you're blaming the wrong people for the feelings. They might be clumsy, but they are speaking truth. Your husband isn't.
I'm trying very hard to keep the things I'm saying bite-sized. Because I know it's hard. I have probably failed. But I promise what I say comes from the very best hopes for you. That you will post in 5 years saying we were right, you left, you're safe, you're happy, everyone is in therapy and doing well, the kids are thriving, and you want to tell other women the truth too. Hard as that is.