How do I deal with my husbands hygiene going forward?

[Itsapersonalhygieneone]

Hi, NC for obvious reasons. Sorry it's a tad long. There is so much more than the below but I need your advice how to deal with this going forward.

My husband has a hygiene problem that I am struggling to deal with and sick of having to deal with it. I want to make it clear that before I tell you the next part of this, he has been like this for a long time. This isn't a new thing but his medical situation now has exacerbated things.

My husband had a perianal abcess 2 years ago which has developed into a fistula. He is waiting on surgery and has been added to a list to now guarantee him surgery in 12 weeks. I am sick of him not washing properly in general, but more so now he has this fistula as it leaks fluid and will smell if not kept clean.

I have gone into the bathroom this morning and he has left a face cloth he has used to wipe his bum on the sink with streaks of shit on it. He didn't have a shower last night either, he has also not brushed his teeth.

This probably sounds like not a lot but I will summarise below things he does or doesn't do.

1. He has shields and pads of various shapes sizes and texture to put over his fistula but doesnt wear them. This means the fluid leaks on his boxers/clothes. This smells and can also cause infection.

2. Due to not wearing pads when he sits on the loo he leaves marks of fluid on the seat which he doesnt wipe, that is left to me.

3. When he showers, the bum issues aside, he doesnt wash 100% and so when he dries himself he leaves dirt marks on the towel. He works in construction so muddy etc.

4. He uses the soap in the shower and puts it back on the ledge with dirt all over it, dirt all over the shower tray etc.

I am actually so sick of it and his shit literally. We go around this cycle every few weeks and he improves then is all goes back to the same place.
It isn't a MH issue, he is on antidepressants when MIL passed away 3 years ago. He was like this before that.

I have sent him a message today re the cloth and saying it's either a MH issue or he is a lazy bastard. I said if it is the latter it stops today, if it is MH he needs a medication review.
I know with that last part I sound like a heartless cow. 💔

Has he been like this the whole time you’ve been together? If not when did it start?

I would ask him if he even likes you at all. Surely he cannot expect you to find him attractive. Perhaps he doesn't care if you do or not?

From early on yes, teeth brushing was bad at one point. Dirty nails and occasional smell when he didn't shower. He is overweight and this makes it worse.

I have said to him how it makes me feel, when he leaves things like this, totally disrespected like I am expected to accept it and clean up after him.

Well, he's got little respect for you if he finds this acceptable!

He goes out to work and leaves this mess!

Firstly, you do not sound like a heartless cow.

You sound as anyone would, when faced by someone with an insanitary habit that they have no intention of changing.

Maybe it’s time to plan to be single?

meantime, while you figure it out ,
buy your own soap which you keep in a sealed travel box, just for you to use.
If you can, sleep in a different bed to him.

Large bottle of spray bleach and disposable gloves in the bathroom, so you can clean up before you use it.

Sorry, that’s a shit way for him to treat you.

My god. Sounds like ‘not a lot’?! This is disgusting and so disrespectful to you and himself. I just couldn’t touch the cloth etc. I’d call him in and tell him to deal with it. I’d not be able to even share a bed with a person who is not clean or who hasn’t brushed his teeth. It would really be a deal breaker for me. He either shapes up (which may mean getting additional medical/therapeutic treatment) or I’d be rethinking the whole relationship.

No kids? Why not just leave him?

Yep, I said today that I am mortified in case people think I am like this too. He has worn the same work trousers for 4 days and on day 2 I told him I could smell them. I said that today.

It sounds like he just trundles his way through life, oblivious to the chaos he leaves in his wake. I emphasise, as my DH is often similarly oblivious.

If he's been like this for years, there's probably nothing much you can do to change the situation unfortunately, other than walking out and leaving him to it.

Can't you just leave him?

I wouldn't put up with this shit at all. It's showing a complete lack of respect for you, especially expecting you to clean it up. I'd be giving him an ultimatum, sort yourself out or get out. He's got no excuse for being a dirty bastard. He just doesn't care so why should you care about him when he's got zero respect for you and isn't even trying to make it better. Stick up for yourself and tell him you're not going to clean up his shit anymore

I really hope this isn’t true because this is so revolting.

can you leave him OP? How on earth do you have any respect for him?

Yep he trundles through life, I call him captain chaos. I am forever clearing up his shit. We have no kids together. This is both our second marriage.

I leave out dettol cleaning wipes so he wipes the loo, he doesnt. There's a spray under the sink. No bleach as we have a septic tank. We cant have seperate beds due to the size of the house and the other room still has boxes from our move and clothes rails. The move was a disaster. I need a whole other thread for that drama.
I have thought so many times I would be happier on my own. I would be fine financially.

Jesus, I’d divorce him. He is beyond disgusting. Sorry. 💐

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I think you just have to tell him straight that you've had enough and you are not prepared to tolerate it for one day longer.

From today onwards, he cleans his teeth twice a day, he books a hygienist appointment, he showers daily and properly and he wears the dressings he's given and changes them as required. He also cleans up after himself in the loo, or you walk. No ifs no buts.

He will probably look all wounded and accuse you of not being sympathetic to his problems, but he is being completely disrespectful to you, expecting you to tolerate this.

The fistula may not be his fault but there is no excuse for everything else. Although I do perhaps wonder if it was chronic poor hygiene that caused his abcess then fistula in the first place.

Do you still share a bed with this man?

I was seeing someone for 5 months who refused to shower, refused to clean his house, and refused to pick up after himself in mine. I would NOT put up with this at all and if tooth brushing was bad early on I wouldn’t have stayed. How have you put up with this enough to marry him? The thought of bum juice and shite everywhere is making me gip. HOW?!

This morning was probably the next little but chipping away at me. I keep thinking I am over the top but I know deep down I am right.

If you would be fine financially why don't you just split?

Ok just seen the answer about the bed situation. I'd be dumping the boxes absolutely anywhere or chucking stuff away altogether to make space for a room and a bed of my own. That would be a MAJOR priority for me.

But honestly, I'd just leave. I am not sure you can get through to someone like this. It's almost like a pathalogical avoidance thing. I suspect he's a lost cause and you really should just cut your losses and move on.

That is totally vile, in all seriousness i’d be out, over the personal hygiene issues alone; never mind that he leaves you to literally clear up his shit. So disrespectful. Get rid.

I know you are 100% right and for a long time i wanted to ask advice here but I know what you would say. There's so much more than the hygiene. I honestly wish I had stayed single. I had a thread approx 3 years ago about him leaving me to look after my MIL and I should have left then. X

A shit stained cloth left on the sink? I'm flabbergasted. No wonder you want out. Hope you manage it.

This is NOT little.

A grown man leaving human shit around the house is utterly WILD!

You must be a boiled frog! If I saw one flannel with the partners shit on, the roof would lift with my rage!

Seriously, what’s stopping you leaving.

Thats exactly the words i need to use later, pathological avoidance! I agree i need to sort out another bed for him. I am not moving out my bed. I just want the courage to say I can't do this anymore tonight. I want to say to him please start to look for somewhere else to live. My whole life would be so much easier. His Mum lifted and laid him.