Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

I get CM when we have 50:50 as he earns significantly more than me

It’s much more complicated than this. The online calculator isn’t accurate in the event of true shared care. There is a special assessment category for high earners, but a lot will depend on being able to prove you have the kids more than 50% in reality (even if a court order says 50%). Then there’s the issue of the parent who gets the CB being considered the resident parent and therefore being due CM. It’s not as simple as ‘he earns more than me so he has to pay me’.

@Helpneededprettypls I don’t have any useful advice but I’m livid on your behalf. What an absolutely self centred prick.

Thank you that’s really useful to know. My husband earns ten times what I earn, works very long hours, travels a lot with work. So in reality he would never be able to do 50/50. It sounds like the OP is in a similar situation to me, so I would imagine it’s a very high likelihood she would get some CM for the kids? Both our husbands earn way over the threshold to claim child benefit.

This thread has stayed in my memory. Something isn't right thread #2 | Mumsnet

It's long and she stayed with him.

Thank you for sharing - I’m so so sorry - men are shit is all I can think

Thank you for your message - and I sympathise with what you went through - they become a completely different person don’t they

men are shit They're not until they are and then you wonder if they were shit all along so you no longer trust your judgement.

they become a completely different person don’t they They seem to be possessed.

He is stringing you along hugging you and cooking meals. He wants to keep you sweet in case she gets cold feet and doesn't leave her husband.
My ex wife did it to me for 4 years after I found out about her affair. I'll never forgive myself for wasting them 4 years. I can't get my head around people like my daughter trusting her in any way shape or form.
Please look after yourself. We separated in 2018 and the scars are horrible. I just can't get my head straight. I just work and sleep now

What do you think of this - every year he refuses to celebrate Valentine’s Day even though it’s the day we got engaged. I used to give him a card but eventually stopped as I never received one back. For my birthday, we always go away during half term (when my birthday is) and he says that’s my present but it isn’t - I organise the holiday and pay for half the hotel. He pays for the tax on the flights (as he gets them free with air miles). When I mention it he says “I take you on holiday every year for your birthday” but really it’s just a family holiday that we share payment of. For Xmas, I buy gifts for his entire family. He never asks me what I would like and this Xmas just gone he got me the same gift that his mum did (even though he knew what she was getting me). For Mother’s Day - he never gets anything which I’ve really kicked up a fuss about as I think it’s important for the children to celebrate the day. I always get him something on Father’s Day (just a small thing from the kids - a mug, key chain - just a small token), but I get nothing - not even a bunch of flowers! This Mother’s Day he gave me a gift for the first time but rather than giving it to me in the morning, he waited until 3pm lunch with his parents to give it to me at the table in front of them. Isn’t that really odd?

I’m so sorry and I think you’re right

He is a tightwad as well as a cheat.

Whoever the ‘lucky’ woman is, she’s absolutely welcome to him.
He earns all that money and treats you like that? Even without the OW he’s bringing nothing to your life. He has absolutely no respect for you.
Don’t bother going to counselling. Go to counselling alone. With him he will repeat the tall tales of treating you to holidays, organising gifts etc.

Wow, honestly its a long time now that he has treated you like a fucking carpet

It’s more than odd, it’s fucking rude/selfish/thoughtless/tight. Forget the OW - I would leave him for this alone. Imagine earning that much money and not even buying a small birthday gift. Tell the OW she can bloody have him!

oh my dear OP. my heart breaks for you. this is how my marriage ended 2 years ago (2 x DS now aged 16/18 btw). ex had an emotional affair with a woman in our church. lots of "lunches" and "walks". constant messaging. apparently nothing physical (but she was absolutely gorgeous). he tried to "get over her", but couldn't. and used the same empathy line as your husband. spent a long time blaming myself for working too long hours, not being emotionally available etc etc....(she was a SAHM and he worked PT). we did try to work through things. but the trust had been broken and i couldnt work out how to fix it. church added further complication which i wont bore you with.

2 years on and i am partly restored. he's now engaged to a completely new woman who he met 5 months ago.....

sending lots of love x x x

Something for your new playlist OP ☀️

www.facebook.com/share/v/18CaecQZLf/

Very apt!

Leave the bastard. What is there to think about? I know nothing is ever simple, but this man is absolutely vile! Also seek legal advice about your financial rights as he’s been financially abusive for years, and will not be kind during divorce. You might end up like a friend of mine who was actually financially better off after divorce as her Ex barely paid for anything when he lived there. Go on the CMS calculator for a rough idea but consult a solicitor and DO NOT go to couples therapy he’s a piece of shit. Spend the family money on legal advice instead.

Take him to the cleaners. You will get over him and you'll be better off without him.

Honestly, writing all this out it’s been really cathartic and has helped me see what he’s been like. I’ve wasted a lot of time with him. I feel stupid for letting it get to 16 years. I guess having the kids just kept me going and I thought I was doing the ‘right’ thing. Thank you all for your comments and helping me see light at the end of the tunnel. She can have him!

Haha yesss!

Speaking to a solicitor tomo :-)

He’s tight, lazy and manipulative with regards to this ⬆️

With regards to the therapy angle. I reckon it’s another part of their “pact” so they can both say they tried “so hard” at their marriages. If they end up making a go of it together then they can say they tried hard. Also they can then try to use the therapy to manage their exits. A decent therapist shouldn’t feed into their nonsense -lm thinking about the couple where he had cheated on the wife but denied it. The therapist ended up confronting it head on and the husband claimed “he just slept with someone and it wasn’t cheating”. For clarity this was while they were married and it wasn’t an open relationship

Good on you for not taking his shit. I was in a vaguely similar situation 10 years ago, l divorced him and moved on. Literally never looked back. Things worked out well for me but not as much for them

this is such a shame.
It’s usually worse than it seems at first. I would get my ducks in a row and prepare to walk at a minimum. your life will eventually be better without a jerk like this.

I’d be amazed if they haven’t been physical considering his story is changing every time he tells it.

But regardless, he has said that he has feelings for someone else. That would be enough for me to leave. After 25 years together I could possibly forgive a 1 night stand, DH telling me he has feelings for someone else? No way, I’d be gone.