Emotional affair - do I walk away?

[Helpneededprettypls]

I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 10. We have two children together, 5 and 7, and a beautiful home.

I recently found a playlist that he had on Spotify (we share an Account) with another girl (someone I had never heard of). I asked him about it and he said she was just a colleague. I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”. I asked how long it had been going on. He said he’d only ever met her three times. I asked again a few days later as it made no sense to me that you could fall for someone after meeting them 3 times. He then told me it had been many more times that they had met for “lunch or coffee”.

He insists nothing physical has happened. He told me that he had stopped contact with her, that he misses her (and that I should feel empathy for him for the hurt he’s going through as a result of missing her).

I then found that was all a lie because they are still messaging.

What do I do? Do you think it has been physical? Should I walk away?

How dare he say you should have empathy for him. What a disgusting thing for him to say and ironically it shows a complete and utter lack of empathy from him that he would have the utter cheek to say such a thing. It’s almost worse than the actual emotional affair itself to be honest.

@Helpneededprettypls if I can just say , problem is OP that once something like this happens it’s hard to ever feel 100% the same as I’ve been there and that was in a marriage that didn’t have the many other issues you mention - you don’t trust in the same way if at all and suddenly feel like ‘an option’ - I actually found out a lot of years after which kind of is bit different, if I had found out at the time I would have ended it

My exH had an emotional affair. She was sending him pictures of her ankle in plaster. I said at the time, why the hellos she sening photos of her foot? What else is she sending?
Anyway he said she was a lesbian and one of the lads.
Eventually he admitted it, but he kept coming and going as he was "confused"
Like a fool I kept taking him back. Until I didnt.

They are now split up and shehas been done for harassing him.

But we have both moved on with lovely people. And are now back in contact as we share kids and grandkids.

This was 6 yrs ago

Good luck with the solicitors, I hope they give you the means to kick him in to touch.
Please make sure you let OW husband know too, I can guarantee he won't have been told.
Then stand back and watch the mess your sorry STBXH has created, crumble around him.

Don't go to therapy with him, it will be a tick box exercise as pp have said. Don't waste your time. If you want or feel you need therapy you, choose one for yourself and go on your own.

Take care of yourself and your kids @Helpneededprettypls , you are in a strong position at this point - while he's mooning over her and the "complication" get legal advice, secure paperwork and do not leave the marital home.

Be wise.

You think that OP's husband who has an annual salary of £450k but makes OP pay 50% of everything, even though she earns a lot less than him and even though her career will have been adversely affected by her taking two maternity leaves, isn't being financially abusive?

What do you mean that it isn't financial abuse if he isn't doing it deliberately? Do you think he is doing it accidentally and just hasn't realised the huge financial imbalance and that he has loads of disposable income while OP has none?

He sounds like a selfish and self-absorbed prick and he is either delusional or gaslighting OP by telling her that she should feel empathy for him for the hurt he is going through due to missing his affair partner.

I think he is emotionally and financially abusive and he totally lacks empathy and any normal human feelings.

Your 'birthday present' is just a family holiday that you pay half for on a much smaller income than him, so it isn't really a present at all. He has been gaslighting you for years, and he expects you to do all the 'wife work' for his family, remembering birthdays and buying all the Christmas presents.

He's always been an awful husband. The affair is just the cherry on top of a very shit cake but hopefully it has opened your eyes to what a horrible and selfish husband and father he is.

You need a Mumsnet 'shit hot solicitor' to support you to divorce the prick and get everything that you are entitled to.

We've stayed together, but it's been a very rocky road and I'll never see him in the same way ever again. Although they didn't have sex, they did a lot of other things. I know, because I discovered their WhatsApp chats and they'd only got as far as kissing. But it was enough for me to know he'd crossed the boundary.

I'm building up my own savings and getting myself ready to end it all if I need to. Also been trying to build up my own social connections, so I have support. I was totally alone when I discovered it, and was not able to leave him. I tried, but I ended up having mental health issues.

He has worked very hard to build trust, I will give him that. But I think it would take years to rebuild.

These men are selfish cowards. we love(d) them so gave them the benefit of the doubt.

my ex , two years on, still denies that he and the other woman are anything more than just friends - they are going on holiday together with the children in the summer and are always together. He maintains and tells everyone that I made the affair up!

When you are out of this, you will look back and wonder why you ever stayed with him.

What on earth is he doing with all his money?

@thepariscrimefiles , is it financial abuse if both parties have not discussed the sharing of family finances?

@AbbotSade1985 same here - I found out a long time after it was going on - like10 years later but as you say you never quite feel the same again regardless of how sorry they are

OP, remember to keep your plans to yourself, get copies, if possible, of his pensions, savings, life insurance, mortgage. As soon as he realises you have disengaged, he will hide as much info as he possibly can.
Do not believe for a millisecond that he will be fair in a settlement

What absolute madness.

He’s lobbed this grenade into your marriage, your family. Fuck that.

Take control, op. I would have a chat with a solicitor.

How did you get on with solicitor today @Helpneededprettypls

Oh OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this. However, I actually think after the trauma of finding out and separating, you could end up much much happier. Everything you say makes it clear how selfish your husband is, how entitled. I wonder if this is even greater than normal due to his dad pay check? He just somehow thinks that alone makes him a catch, and someone you are lucky to be with?

either way, A lot of men display huge entitlement and obliviousness when in the throes of an affair… it reveals something in them, which you start to see less extreme signs of when you look back on your life together…. YEs, I think your husband was always like this. The staggering selfishness and disregard for you and what you contribute by making you pay half of the mortgage when he is on that ridiculous salary? Wow. And you accepted it, while no doubt you were doing the lions share of raising the kids? Make sure you now get what you have every right to, as I’m very sure he won’t play fair…. I don’t say that to make you feel bad…. There are just so many things we tend to accept from people who act entitled… selfish entitled people tend to be drawn to giving, flexible people… it’s a perfect match for them. We believe we are giving and flexible within a loving relationship…. Then we realise that our partners aren’t like us after all…. Through eg their staggering selfishness with an affair. Anyway, you’ll have guessed I have experience if this. My ex had an affair after sixteen years of marriage. So I ended it. It was only after that I realised just how much of our life had been arranged to his advantage…. And therefore just how much more I could experience by being alone… and after healing. I found myself an amazing, giving, gorgeous man. Life is incomparably better now. And I hope it will be for you too.

People do change . I do believe that.

They migrate to more and more of something that was inside them before. But I think on a major discovery like this, we often look back and see the selfishness and lack of care in ways we were blind to before. I certainly did. My therapist said “you were very good at convincing yourself to be happy on receiving very very little” - sounds like there were plenty of signs here too that make his actions now consistent with previous form. 😔

Yes - mine said the same!

update - went to the couples counselling - felt like a waste of time - and I said we should separate. I think the affair has made me really see all the bad things that I just swept under the rug before (and told myself that I was being unreasonable about)

And how did stbxh respond to this? How are you feeling after that? X

I asked again the next day and he told me (via text) that he had feelings for her, that he didn’t know if it was love as it hadn’t been long enough yet, that there is an “added complication as she is married”.

honestly OP read this back to yourself and ask yourself if this is the way a husband should be talking to his wife!!!

he expects you to feel sorry for him while he pines for his bit on the side? That’s a whole new level of narcissistic

Sorry it’s ended, but at least you’ve made the decesion to separate, and you can start moving forwards. Wishing you all the best for the future.

Did you say separation or divorce? I’d be straight on gov.uk…

Please stick to your guns, see a solicitor and start the process of separation. Do it for you, you're worth a million times more x