Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

@Jemimapony I haven’t read the OPs past posts but is your motivation here to help her or kick her? Because it sounds like you’re putting her on trial at the stand, bringing up ‘evidence’ before her and grilling her

If you do wish to help, try a little tenderness, maybe?

I think you should have nothing more to do with your mother. However because of this toxic “community” you won’t do that.

And I think you should leave your husband. That’s not easy, but start planning - and you’d get there eventually.

However you don’t intend to do any of that so I’ll hide the thread and expect another disturbing thread from you in the future

I had done
on the other threads

anyway thread will be hidden now

Might be best.

Me ! Born 1950 . Wasn't hit a lot but was never good enough , felt like a disappointment and still do in my mid seventies . Dad was an alcoholic and I had no relationship with him . Mum had a difficult childhood and found it difficult to show emotions. I gave my kids the most loving and accepting childhood that I could , I never wanted them to feel like a disappointment to me . Your kids are pretty normal and you've broken the cycle of abuse .

My mother isn't "diabolical". It's really not her fault I self harm around her. I get reminded of bad things around her, but not things she herself did. She's just associated in my mind with stuff.

My husband has behaved abusively in the past. He has accepted that and worked really hard to be gentle and calm. We have a great relationship and leaving him would be an insane thing to do. He's never hit me, never controlled me, he just has issues with anger when he's under pressure and exhausted.

My community/ ethnicity is a source of strength and pride to me, and it has protected me from a lot of harm.

@Blueyrocks you are in denial about the severity of the abuse you have suffered and the full impact it has on you and your children today. That will be because for you this was normal. It has been normalised in your community. You are also swinging between sharing the most horrific abuse details and almost idolising the people that abused you a few posts on.

Likely, the normalisation of it all and protective mechanisms of your nervous system prevent you from feeling the severity of it. Unfortunately it will all come out in other ways, such as resentment and SH.

There is a better life out there. I am sad for you. I hope you can find the beginning to the end of it all.

Of course your mum is going to say you’re “too lenient” because you choose to bring your children up differently to the way you were raised and “cared” for. It would otherwise be an admission of what a terrible parent she was.

@Blueyrocks and you are not being dense. Your nervous system is protecting you from reality after a life of trauma until you are ready to begin facing some things. That is what therapy is good for. Therapists know how to do that without you getting too overwhelmed by it all.

I know it’s a bit controversial but if you can’t afford therapy… I’ve found using chat gpt (the free version) really helpful for talking through feelings! It’s helped me recognise patterns in my childhood and where they came from

Ok, thank you for this. So, I wouldn't say I'm in denial. I just genuinely don't think I experienced severe abuse. Didn't most kids get hit in the 80s and 90s? And shouted at? My experience was just at the extreme end of that. My brother, yeah, definitely, stuff went way way too far. But no one was systematically, intentionally cruel. My brother agrees with me. It was chaotic and scary, but not calculated.

And with my husband, I don't think kicking doors or swearing at me is "severe" either. It's bad, but it's not horrendous. No violence, no sexual abuse, no controlling behaviour, and he's taken responsibility for what he did.

I'm also not sure who I'm idolising. I just think there are shades of grey, no one is all bad. My dad can be both a violent addict and also clever, brave, funny. He scared me, but he also taught me good values and he did love us all. He was just very sick himself.

@Twatalert Is there something I've shared that counts as "horrific abuse" that I'm not seeing that way?

All of what you describe is emotional abuse and controlling. Emotional abuse is severe. Do not assume only physical abuse is severe. Emotional abuse is harder to spot and extremely hard to recover from. I know it is severe because I am undoing the damage and it is like day and night. You could likely not develop normally because of the abuse. I don't mean physical development.

As I said. You aren't seeing it because this is all you know. Once you know safety and peace you will understand what I am talking about .

I'd call a lot of the above abuse.

I'm early 40's, so grew up around the same time as you. I was never hit, and I only know of one of my friends that was, and his Mum left his Dad over it.

Yes, we were shouted at, but only if we'd done something properly horrible, a proper bollocking was about a once a year event. Yes, there were raised voices more often than that, but it was when we were little and it tended to be a "Don't do that!" or "Stop right now!" to stop up doing something dangerous or running off ahead into the road etc.

And as far as your husband goes. You say there was no violence, but kicking doors is violence. It's designed to intimidate you, to scare you into compliance. DP and I have never shouted at each other in 20 years, let alone sworn, called each other names or attacked inanimate objects to intimidate each other. I'm not saying we're this perfect couple, sometimes a good shouting match might be preferable to letting things fester for too long. But actually trying to hurt each other, either physically or emotionally would be a relationship ending offence for us.

You say what you've experienced is at the extreme end of normal, but for me, what you see as normal is already pretty extreme.

Ok. Thank you for replying. Pretty much everyone I grew up with was slapped sometimes. The shouting was worse in our house than in others, and obviously the hitting got out of hand because of the substance abuse. I do feel a bit sad that your experience seems so much gentler and that mine sounds extreme to you. I'm also amazed how gentle your relationship with your husband sounds.

There’s no way ChatGPT will help OP unpick what she needs to because it basically reflects back whatever attitude you approach it with. So if you speak about your emotional abuse as if it were normal then it will play along.

Can I ask, then anyone else here, does your husband sometimes lose his shit with you? Shout and kick stuff and swear? Is that not in the range of normal?

And did your dad never get drunk? Never hit you or if not girls then your brothers? Or lose it with you bad enough it was scary? Is that not also in the range of normal? Like, not great, definitely bad, but not wildly unusual?

Sorry, maybe should have mentioned I'm male. I never want to do the "Man here!" on every thread, but the sometimes it ends up being relevant!

So although we're not married, I'm the male partner in our relationship. I don't do "losing my shit". Haven't done since I was a teenager. I'm a really big bloke, and I've got a very deep voice, so frankly, raising it scares people. Hell, even sounding a bit stern to DD has the effect of DP saying to me "Bloody hell, that was a little harsh!" So the only times I've actively shouted in the last 20 years or so was when someone was about to do something dangerous.

Don't get me wrong, I can get frustrated with DP, I can want to lose my shit. But I'll go off and use that anger for something productive, like go for a bike ride or do some DIY, kill some aliens in a computer game for a bit. And then I'll come back and discuss it with DP when I've calmed down. DP is much the same, although she's spotting that she's getting annoyed about something, and addressing it before she gets too wound up to have a productive discussion.

I've had girlfriends in the past who argued in the way your husband does, shouting, swearing, throwing things, and it was always a relationship ender for me. I just wasn't interested in being with someone who wanted to lash out and hurt their partner when they were upset.

I generally take a dim view of men who "can't" control their emotions around their partner. They don't go kicking doors etc when their boss has pissed them off, so they obviously can control it, they just choose not to around their partner. They don't think they're important enough to be decent human being to.

My husband has had moments of frustration where he’s shouting/ visibly angry - but it’s not being angry with me or directed at me, and it’s very rare. I think the last time was when he was trying to fix the bathroom sink and it did not go smoothly, and was along the lines of a ‘what is wrong with this stupid thing’ type rant. He would never make me feel like I had to hide in the bathroom while he smashes the door down, as your husband did.

We have occasionally snapped or shouted at each other during an argument, but again that is very rare, as in only a few times over the 20+ years we’ve been together.

I’m in my late 40s so grew up in the 80s/90s. My dad was quite strict and did shout at times, and my sisters and I were smacked occasionally. Looking back, I can see that this was just acceptable at the time - some of my friend’s parents were similar, but opinions on smacking children were changing. He never got drunk, or ‘lost it with us’. Your descriptions of your dad’s behaviour would count as ‘wildly unusual’

You responded to my other post saying that your community was supportive of you and your siblings when your parents were struggling, and supportive of your dad and his struggles. But it struck me that there was no mention of your community supporting your mum to leave her violent, alcoholic husband and get her children away from their violent, alcoholic father. You acknowledge that you and your siblings have been damaged by your childhood. What about your children - did they witness your husband when he was violent and angry towards you?

Absolutely no chance my mum would have been supported to leave my dad. She wouldn't have wanted to anyway. She's thought very highly of for keeping the family together through everything, and for her devotion to my dad, who was very highly regarded in the community (for many good reasons). She would never have left him, and she was supported and honoured for how she managed his issues and brought us all up.

My kids haven't witnessed any of the kicking doors etc. have witnessed a bit of swearing and shouting tbh though

For some people this is normal, that does not mean it's healthy though. Honestly OP, contact Women's Aid. They will be able to allow you you talk without being judgemental or telling you to leave your husband or community. They will also be able to put you on courses that will help to show you what a healthy relationship entails.

I will think about this. But I think it would be pretty upsetting and hurtful to my husband if he found out.

Just to reassure you, DV is not only between partners. It can be from your father, brother, son in law or anyone else within the (predominantly) home environment. If this is something you want to explore, you could frame it about violence in your past. This has obviously had a massive impact on you and frames how you perceive relationships now. If your DH was against this idea it would be quite telling.

Hi OP,

It sounds like you have come from such a difficult and complicated childhood and I’m sorry it has got you questioning yourself.

I too came from a difficult childhood with an emotional and physical neglectful mother and we have always had a very dysfunctional relationship. She was not a good mother though I’m sure she thought she was.

I haven’t really spoken to her or had and meaningful contact with her for over a year now and I am having therapy to unpick the childhood I had and why she is like she is, and it does help.

I have two children and it has always been my goal to make sure they have the exact opposite childhood to the one I had, and I make sure they are loved and cherished and that they know know how much theu matter and how much happiness they bring to me. I get so much joy out of seeing them thrive as loved chikdren and although I feel very sad that I never had that as a child myself, I am so thankful that my children will never have to endure what I did, or suffer the long-lasting effects that come from being raised by neglectful parents.

Prior to mine and my mum’s relationship breaking down a year ago she used to spend a lot of time with me and my children and she always seemed uncomfortable or confused by the way I interacted with my children. We are really loving and affectionate with each other and she didn’t know how to handle it….. it was so alien to her. Personally I think it used to hurt her to see her young children be so loving towards their parent s(and vice versa) and I used to get some enjoyment out of the fact she was hurting. I was glad she was having to face up to what she had never had because of how she’d treated me (and my sister). Every time she was faced with seeing how happy my children were, and how much I enjoyed being a mother, and how attached to me they were and how much I loved them, I used to really, really hope it hurt her to her very core. That was my way of sticking my fingers up to her….. and showing hwr that no matter how much she had ruined my childhood and no matter how much of a shitty mum she’d been to me, and that she’d denied me the chance to have a loving relationship with a mother, she hadn’t ruined me to the point where I couldn’t be a loving mother to my own children.

My counsellor often tells me that when women who have dysfunctional childhoods go on to have their own children , it’s like opening Pandora’s Box. It brings out so many complex feelings in her and she starts questioning her ability to be a good mother and makes her question her relationship with her parents all over again, and questioning her feelings towards her own chikdren etc etc, so how you are feeling is probably really, really common OP.

My counsellor has been a lifesaver for me.

Please be kind to yourself and try and seek out some support to help you unpick all these confusing feelings you are having that are related to your parents, your childhood and your parenting because sometimes it can be just too overwhelming to understand on your own.

Thank you this is helpful. Husband obviously knows about stuff my dad and big brother did to me so that makes sense maybe. He's still think it was ott I think though!!

I feel a bit sad about all this tbh! Like I'm betraying people and also a bit lost and stupid like I'm not getting what everyone here is saying to me.