Resenting my kids their childhood because it's better than mine was

[Blueyrocks]

This will sound awful. Please be kind! I'm struggling a bit today. My kids (8,6and 3)have been behaving kind of badly. Nothing serious, just bickering and being a bit cheeky. I speak to them about it, and it stops, for a while. However, my parents would have absolutely lost it with me. I'd have been shouted at, slapped, sent to my room for hours.

This got me thinking. We don't expect them to do much except tidy their rooms and put away their own laundry. By the time I was 8, I had to clean bathrooms and floors, and clear up after every meal and do dishes, and shop, and look after my little brother.

We take them on days out to kid friendly places regularly, at least a couple of times a month, and the park all the time. I spent my weekends and school holidays in various houses, surrounded by adults on drugs or drunk.

I try really hard to be fair, and not make any differences to do with gender etc. I don't always get it right, but the principle is that everyone gets treated equally, with allowances for age/ etc. My brothers got all sorts of different treatment- no housework, lots of freedom (also got hit a lot more, not saying they had an easy time of it). My sister doesn't work and is fully supported financially because she isn't married. I'm expected to do all the carework - cooking, cleaning, shopping, planning, empathising, etc etc - when I visit, because I'm a mum.

My problem is, I feel a bit resentful or something about it. Like I've spent my whole life cleaning and caring for other people, and helping them through their "big feelings" and all that, and never got my turn.

Sounds like I'm resenting my kids their childhood. Which maybe I am. And it feels awful. Any advice on how I can feel ok, just a brighter perspective or something. And I know therapy would help, but I can't afford it at the moment! Also I know it's not my kids fault. I love them so so much. I don't want to feel like this.

This is so kind, thank you. I think my kids are happy and feel safe, and I try so hard to be what they deserve. And I am almost always just happy that they're ok. Just, this morning, I was struggling with rudeness and thinking, I'd have been in so much trouble for that!

I've moved away, but I gladly still belong. If I cut off my mum, that'll rightly be seen as proof I don't have entirely the same values as the community any more.

the same values being to remain in a relationship with a toxic, relentlessly critical mother who was a bystander to the most heinous child abuse committed by your father and who makes you so unhappy you self harm despite having three young children?

Goodness I know the travellers community was…. Well, interesting, I had no idea quite this appalling interesting

Also just to remind anyone reading, I've never said what community it is and I'm not going to. So other posters guesses are just guesses. Just as I think people are getting a bad idea about my community from this, and I don't want anyone to think it's definitely this or that specifically.

You refer to previous threads in this very thread

and on previous threads you talking about the travellers community multiple times in many threads

Again, this is a bit much. "Heinous child abuse" is too strong. There was no sexual abuse. And the worst violence was never intended to be as bad as it was - things getting out of hand, accidentally doing something worse than what was meant. It was the 80s/90s, slapping was normal, so that was already the baseline. I'm not saying it was ok, but that doesn't make it heinous or make my parents irretrievably wicked or anything like that.

Understanding them helps me to feel less angry and resentful towards them, and that makes me a calmer happier healthier mum to my own kids.

Where have I ever said I'm a traveller? And why does it matter who I am anyway?

Omg this is depressing
no hope so I’ll bow out

My dad is dead, and he was the violent addict

Experiences I'll happily never have again: Listening out for DF footsteps, and trying to gauge his mood and sobriety from them. The sheer terror when he'd stagger into my room at night.

Being assaulted by my DM when my first baby was a few months old.

horrifying

I agree with you!!

It is soul destroying to try to live up to cultural norms you don't necessarily share or value, and - no matter how well you perform, still be told you're a chav/ filthy/ stupid/ just a traveller.

good night op

That was on a thread about travellers. But it doesn't matter anyway, what I am. The specifics aren't relevant.

@Jemimapony I do appreciate the time you've spent posting and I think some of your posts that are coming across as anger or whatever to me, is coming from a good place, I think you want me to wake up and see what's really going on. And I am grateful for that.

I think you have to stop cooking and cleaning etc for your mum - or at least share with your sister - is there a real that she is supported financially (eg
disability).

My sister doesn't have any diagnosis or anything, and is physically healthy, but in fairness to her I think she'd struggle with work. She's very anxious and nervous, and gets stressed over nothing. She grew up in the same home as me, obv, and everyone responds differently to that sort of experience, don't they? I think she's kind of gone into herself a lot.

But she'd never share the chores with me. I think because I have kids it's kind of become my role or something. I do resent that, because she's able to cook and clean. And even just having a meal cooked for me on the first night of my visit would mean a lot. But it's not going to happen. I need to just accept that.

Cooking and cleaning for mum is only when I'm visiting, which isn't very often. It's not a weekly thing that impacts my life or anything. My resentment is taking up more energy than the chores themselves!

I'd really appreciate it people could try to just accept that. It's hard to explain. But it's not the problem here. The problem is some unhealthy feeling that I have, that I just want to process and resolve.

The thing that people are trying to explain to you is that it actually is the problem.

I haven't read any previous threads or indeed every single post on this thread, but I understand your issues are very complex and it's very very difficult to just go no contact. People who are not from a minority community will have difficulty in understanding this, which is why they are just telling you to walk away. It's not that simple and I understand that. Please consider contacting Women's Aid, you can get access to counselling and they will understand your whole community loyalty context too 💐

Thank you so much! I'm so glad someone understands what I'm trying to say.

I'm not in any danger at all, no one has hit me since I was a child, & I think women's aid is specifically about domestic abuse which I'm not experiencing - all of that was in the past. But thank you. I think a lot of people have said I should get therapy and I will when I have more money.

I think the thread went on a bit of a tangent because of the reasons I gave for not going no contact. I know my mum should have stood up for us and didn't, and I know she's very critical and I need to get more resilient to that. No contact is way over the top though. She's kind to my kids and they love her. She's critical and has very high expectations of me, but she doesn't realise she's doing it. I think even my brothers would be taken aback if I went NC with her & wouldn't approve. And nor would DH and he's not even part of the community.

The community stuff is hard to explain. There wouldn't be a formal "kicking out"" ceremony or anything 😀 I'd just be seen as less part of it & be trusted less and all that. I realise lots of people think there's something badly wrong with the community loyalty thing, and I'm really sorry if I'm being dense by not seeing the problem - I am trying to understand

But on the subject of the thread, thanks so much to everyone who had helpful things to suggest. It's so true that it's not my kids I resent at all. And a bit more kindness to myself will ease a lot of the pressure & sense of feeling like I only exist to do things for other people. DH is making time in our week for me to do an exercise class I love, at least 2-3 times in the week, & I'm going for drinks with friends soon too. My kids are all up, and watching Danny Go, and demanding breakfast, and I feel really happy about that - I am really happy they're getting a better childhood than me & even feel good about myself for my part in it.

Women's Aid is not just for women in immediate danger, they have an outreach service for women who have had historical abuse too and can offer counselling for that. If you are from the community people are saying, they have a lot of experience with this and understand the whole identity/tie issues and will support you within that context. They won't judge you or encourage you to leave/go no contact.

Oh I didn't realise that. Thank you, I will look into that.

Really it’s not fair for you to have to do the chores if she doesn’t esp as she doesn’t work. I’m not surprised you resent it.

I think women's aid is specifically about domestic abuse which I'm not experiencing

You started a thread about you hiding in your bathroom to get away from your husband and him kicking the door down, along with kicking the bedroom door down, along with calling you a c*

This has to be one of the most tragic OPs I have actually ever read. Horrific mother, father, partner - but in complete denial about it (on this thread, not on all the other ones you’ve started though, which makes your denial on this thread somewhat odd)

Perhaps go back and read your past threads - only in the past year. And they make for a very disturbing read. Toxic mother, self harming, abusive partner, addictions…. It’s like a catalogue of horror. No wonder you feel resentment.

I'm really sorry - I'm not trying to be stupid - but I don't get what I'm in denial about. I know my husband's behaviour was abusive - though it was thanks to responses to that thread that I realised this, I definitely didn't think it when I first started the thread. I know my dad was a violent addict and that that made for a very scary childhood for me and my siblings. I know my mum's behaviour isn't great for my MH and I've taken big steps to protect myself from that.

I know you're trying to get me to see something and I'm being dense, but what am I in denial about? This is a genuine question - I don't want to be living in a way that is bad for my kids.

Honestly

this is depressing.

op - I suggest you spend 15 mins reacquainting yourself with threads you have started, and comments you have posted about your childhood.

Then come back to this thread and say you’re not in denial. You won’t

You are in denial about the fact that you will never ever move on and be happy if you continue a relationship with your diabolical mother and your abusive husband.

Never. You will always be full of resentment.

And that will impact your children.

So you can tinker around the edges, sure, but it won’t go away

@Jemimapony but I know what I've posted. I know I had a bad childhood and my husband has been abusive. Is it that you think I'm not taking it seriously enough? What should I do?