Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

I know other PPs have said the same, but breaking down his latest attack:

1. Adults don't make or cause other adults to do anything. We have the choice of how we respond. If he was unhappy with your questions/lack of trust he could have walked away, insisted on counselling then, put boundaries in place etc. He chose not to.

1. The logic of "you didnt trust me so I choose to do less around the house, ignore you for gaming and downplay my children's behaviour/tell you that material stuff doesn't matter" makes no sense. There is no link between the two. So it stands to reason that he either spent 2 years punishing you which is toxic and abusive OR that its a bullshit excuse to make you doubt yourself. My money is on the latter.

1. You did give him chances, in your first thread you were clear you had brought it up before and left at a sad stalemate. You didnt ask to break up, that was his decision based on moving out. You gave him plenty of chances to share that twisted logic from point 1, and he didnt because its nonsense. You gave him plenty of notice to make more of an effort and he didn't, because it suited him not to.

Again, I know its been called out already but this behaviour has moved beyond "little boy lost" looking for a mummy to manage and save him. He is deliberately trying to use your trauma to manipulate and exploit you. Its insidious, and is emotionally abusive (even if it isn't having the desired effect because you are wise to it). I'd suggest muting/blocking to give yourself peace from this type of communication. Even if you see it for what it is, you don't deserve to receive these messages.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You know you’re right and he’s wrong.

I’ll come back a third time to re-emphasise mate that you just need to stop all communication. You’ve made your decision and there’s no need actually for you and him to dissect it any further, that only benefits him and that would be by further damaging you. Cut him loose, rebuild your life, heal from your trauma and create the person you want to be for you and your boy. None of that is anything to do with him. These guys thrive on keeping you confused. He can’t confuse you if he has no access to you. Be strong now and it’ll make your future so much easier. I know it’s hard. 🤗

Yeah I agree this is the right way forward now.
I was all for amicable split and potentially keeping friendship/relationship from 2 houses but now he's just going to use the open door ofnl contact as a means to verbally and emotionally batter you.
As summitfever said: shut the door now and cut contact. Time limit to get his stuff out your house as this is going downhill rapidly.
Preserve your peace now and let him take his anger out on someone else.

I’m second guessing myself like have I let the best one ever get away? What have I done?

You've prioritized you and your son's peace over enabling his chaos. Your son is happier without he and his children in your home.

If he was the best one ever, he wouldn't have ground you down to exhaustion. Your son couldn't even have a birthday sleepover you were so done by having he and his kids in your home. He wouldn't have wanted your son in the home less. He would have paid his way. He would have paid rent and half the cleaner. Good men don't take endlessly and never give, much less the best one ever.

Now he's got what he imposed on you and he doesn't like it and he's trying to get he and his kids back into your home. He can't live with his life as he made it but it's good enough to impose on you in your home. He sees you as having the support role in his life.

This is a lazy, manipulative man who is throwing anything against the wall to see what sticks. This was a just him trying a different tactic, and now it's DARVO. You kicked him out because you have PTSD that his lifestyle triggered. It's a big swing from hey, I'll change my lazy ways.

If he thought you had PTSD from an abusive childhood, why didn't he act to preserve your peace as a caring partner would? He would have helped you make your home a safe space, not gamed while his kids were being overwhelming.

He took over your home with his havoc and mess from the time you bought it. Now you and your son have time and space for your lives to unfold from the box he put you in.

I don't think you're going to be able to have a romantic or any other kind of relationship with him. His end goal will always be getting back into your home and that destroys you and your son's peace. His kids and yours are getting close to the teen years and there was already dislike and competition in your home. That would not improve, to put it mildly. Your ex and your son would likely have conflict because your ex really at heart wanted your resources, your home and time and attention and money, for himself and his kids. That's why he wanted your son out of the home more often.

He's still trying to make his chaos your problem and he's using manipulation to do it. You're vulnerable to his attacks on your mental health and stability. You made a decision that has benefitted you and your son and he's telling you what a bad choice it is. That's ironic.

I too think it's time to block. He wants your home and resources and contact is just allowing him a way in.

@PithyBeaker as usual, when the chips are down, the Potato has nailed it! Supertato!
Pithy, don’t let that noxious ex into your headspace. Echoing all the others who say it’s time to block him.

Brilliant post! @PithyBeaker print this out or copy it to your phone if you ever have a wobble!

You weren't happy, you have done something about that, why on earth would you go back to that unhappiness?

I'd say it really is time to block him, it will give you both the opportunity to move on.

He moved out to humour you?

He is so deluded it is clear he miscalculated that moving out would shock you into missing him.
You have not.
He's left with the feral children and suddenly he is flailing to change the narrative and get back into your house to game while you do the nasty business of skivvy and bill payer.

So predictable.

@BibbityBobbityBuggerit is on the money.
How many women would honestly want to provide, house and clean up after 3 teens in a housing and living crisis?
Things are not getting better, just more expensive.
The utility bills just increasing.
Utilities take such a hit with showering, snacking, cooking teens.....believe me, I know!
Next Autumn is going to be a shocker to us in Europe as this war hits us very hard in Utilities and food costs.

He is waking up to his reality and he wants to get back to gaming.
Yesterday he was faced with their mess without your cleaner!!!!
Of course it has focused him.
SO predictable.

I expect him to revert to pleading, and begging, possible threats to self harm when he realises that being nasty and blaming you isn't working.

My friends brother is a version of this waster.
When his relationship with his childrens mother broke down he insisted on 50/50 because he has flexibility in his well paid career and he is plain tight.

He tried to impose on my friend for childcare and she wouldn't entertain him even once. He got really nasty and she blocked him.

She knew how selfish he was, felt sorry for his ex, and hadn't a notion of making his life easier or cheaper.

Her mother had the cheek to call her and query her position and she cut her down too and put her so firmly in her place, it was years coming.
Her mother was stunned, really taken aback and apologised when she realised the depth of feeling my friend felt.
She actually told her mother I will happily block you too......like I said, a long time coming.
Her mother changed her tune as she too didn't want to be his on tap childcare.

When it became clear to him he was on his own and wouldn't be supported, he went back to his Ex and asked to do EOW, like the selfish waster he is, and agreed to pay for it.

He didn't want to parent his nice children and only went for 50/50 to piss off his Ex.
He quickly changed his mind when his sister and mother made it clear they were not free childcare.

OP, NEVER under estimate a man desperate not to parent his own children, especially not a gamer.

You are such a nice woman, don't take on board his efforts to cause you to doubt yourself.

Stay strong for yourself and protect this new peace you and your son have.

We are here for you.

Picking up on @Liveshives post - the next thing may be that he arranges for his ex to have their children more, due to unsuitable living conditions, and he will increase child support. Then he will blame you for the fact that he doesn't see them as much OP.

I agree that you need his stuff out of your house and then cut contact with him for your own MH.

I'm going to add don't even consider doing joint therapy with him. He has verbally abused you and now he's trying emotional abuse to grind you down into changing your decision. He thinks a therapist could side with him and he could use the "authority" of the therapist to reinforce the pressure to change your decision. Charmers can charm therapists too, especially ones that aren't really experienced with manipulators. I also think he's shown enough narcissistic traits that I wouldn't advise joint therapy with him. I think he would use it to find out more weak areas to work on you to move back on or to hurt you with.

You've come to the point where your end goals are incompatible with being in a relationship. He wants your home and resources at his disposal. You want a peaceful life that prioritizes your child. That's what it really boils down to.

He's unwilling to live his life as he's created it. He needs a support person in house to "share everything". But he's unwilling to pay rent and cleaning or even to keep his unruly kids from damaging things. That's where he could use therapy, to improve his life skills. He could use a financial advisor to help him set goals for saving for a larger home. But those are for him. He just doesn't want to do the work. He's used to having someone else do it for him.

He needs a support person in house to "share everything"

And he calls this, “being a family”

Oh absolutely agree.

NEVER EVER consider therapy with an abusive partner.
They use it as a stick to beat you with.

This former relationship does not warrant therapy.

It is over.

You do not get back with someone because they want to use your home to freely house their children.

He got free housing and a skivvy for long enough.

Now he can do it, as it's so easy to do.

I wouldn't be one bit surprised if he tries to foist the children on the Ex more.

Would she entertain him though?
Likely not.

He's screwed. Hence his desperately trying to convince the OP it's all on her.

My last relationship he tried to tell me I was projecting all my past issues/experiences on to him and made himself out to be a total martyr like this. It was actually because of my past experiences that I saw EXACTLY who he was and I wasn't up for it, which he hated. And he hated that using it against me didn't work. This guy sounds pretty similar IMO.

I have resisted thinking this man is abusive through this thread, rather just misguided/not great, but trying to twist it like this and make you doubt your sense of reality about the relationship is abusive behaviour IMO.

He called you a cunt & wanted your son out of his own home. He doesn't give a flying fuck for your mental health, he just wants your home & for you to skivvy for him & his children. He'll say anything to try to get that back.

Bawling on the tube reading this. Thank you @SpryCat i love you

I have resisted thinking this man is abusive through this thread, rather just misguided/not great, but trying to twist it like this and make you doubt your sense of reality about the relationship is abusive behaviour IMO.

There comes a point when a line is crossed and I think he did that trying to paint your decision to ask him to move out as due to your poor mental health. When he comes for your mental health, it's time to limit his access to you. That's gaslighting and it's toxic and abusive behaviour.

Your decision to have him move out seems to have improved your mental health and your son seems to be happier being able to expand his own life and do things he couldn't before. His life has already improved.

He broke up with you after that decision. Then, he said he would find a woman to "share everything " with while keeping you as a casual sex partner. Then he asked you to marry him and he happened to hit a vulnerable trigger, mental health and PTSD, but what I've seen from you doesn't match up his accusations. If anyone seems erratic and toxic here, it's him. You seem calmer and less triggered except when he harasses you and his denigrating your mental health is him deliberately trying to trigger you and gaslight you.

In his own mind, he is the SUN at the centre and you are just a little planet who should revolve around him.

Don't let the bastard grind you down any further.
You are not a storage facility for his stuff.
You are not his verbal punch bag.
You are your OWN SUN. You matter. 💯

He will burn you. 🔥

Please cut contact.
BLOCK AND GET RID.

@PithyBeaker

Pithy, I have so much admiration for you. You have sorted out an apparently intractable problem so quickly. When you feel a wobble, which you inevitably will, can you summon up a couple of mental pictures: 1. of your house in maximum chaos when his kids had been with you for a week, and 2. of something from your son's first sleepover - a sort of before and after picture?

Also, when do you start sailing? It's such a fun thing to do!

Just popping in from work to say briefly, once again- what a wanker he is!
He’s truly let his mask slip now. Extremely manipulative, both what he chose to say and when he chose to say it. And indeed, how long he waited to say it- he made a reasonable effort of staying mainly on the credible side of the line, until now.
What a wanker.

However, he was wrong. You weren’t alone and feeling a bit low while your lad was at his dad’s. You have got on call bad ass cheerleaders to buoy you up and put his messages into perspective.

I agree with PP that it's time to limit discussions to him collecting the rest of his stuff, and perhaps set aside some time i.e., 10 mins every other day to look at his messages and only when you feel strong enough to.

To him, you are a human dartboard, and he will throw anything he has at you to get your attention, including your traumatic past to use against you. His sole MO is to get his feet back under your table using any means possible.

when the chips are down, the Potato has nailed it!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

feeling much better today and ignoring messages.

Next weekend! 🫶 no sailing yet as we are going to visit my sister in Paris for the bank holiday weekend (she lives there)

In his own mind, he is the SUN at the centre

You should see the messages. All of them are about the impact of all of this on him and how horrible I’ve been

OR that its a bullshit excuse to make you doubt yourself. My money is on the latter

🎯💯

The thing is, I think anyone and everyone would attest to how kind and patient you have been. You tried several times to discuss it before it got to this point, respected his decision to break up and have been supportive of his moving efforts. His messages to you are not reflective of the reality of the situation.