Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

@PithyBeaker he is being self-serving and manipulative.

He doesn't "need one more chance" to show you how he'd change - you talked to him several times, explained the problems, asked him for what you needed to change.

And he ignored you.

He couldn't be bothered to make you a cup of coffee.

He cba teaching his kids to respect your home, and not trash it.

He wanted your son to spend less time in his own home.

His first thoughts when you asked him to move out but continue to see each other was to say no, he'd be looking to meet another woman to be a full-time live-in partner, but he'd be prepared to shag you until then on a no-strings, non-exclusive basis.

He didn't even want to go for a walk with you.

You haven't "let one of the best slip away".

You realised that the relationship was no longer working for you or your son, and very quickly took action.

You have protected your boundaries, and your son's.

You have treated him with compassion, consideration, and kindness.

But honestly I think you need to take the final step now.

Organise for his stuff to be collected ASAP.
And block him.

He isn't your friend, he is not kind to you, and he is causing you unnecessary pain.

Enough.

WWPD?

Pithy would stay strong and do what is necessary now, for her and her son.

💐💐💐

This ☝️
💯 nailed it
@PithyBeaker

@PithyBeaker the only thing I can add to what others have said is to notice, again, that you already have found within yourself the strength and courage to take the most difficult steps towards caring for yourself and your child, by making him move out.

That strength and courage are still there. Having some self-doubts from time to time is just normal humanity.

@PithyBeaker I know you had a wobble about your decision to get him out but stop doubting yourself. He could show you he has changed, by getting his kids to tidy up/not smash stuff - if those were his values. But they aren’t. You said yourself he has modelled his (own, entitled) values for the kids to copy. Things can only change if he decides he was wrong. He has to make the changes to himself first, then stick with it with the kids. He can do that in the flat - he doesn’t have to move back in to do that.

But I’m confident he won’t - you are just having the odd ‘what if I’m wrong’ wobble we all have from time to time.

“It’s all your fault you’re mad” is not a very enlightened line for him to take.
“ I was a lazy bloke who spent too much time gaming and don’t know how to discipline my feckless kids who haven’t been taught to look after anything “ would have shown more self awareness.

This 100%...

You need to keep posting OP so that we can help you over these bumps. They are so predictable and he's saying whatever he can to try and manipulate you.

You'll notice he's done the sorry, woe is me. He's done the angry, fuck you. He's done the promises to change and now he's doing the It's all your fault.

He is the one who is all over the place, not you. He is the one who ended it, not you.

You want a peaceful life. You want a tidy, calm house. That is not much to ask and you deserve that.

I'll tell you what this is about imo.
He's had the kids,found out how bloody hard it is on his own,he sees a long and difficult road ahead as a single parent and is now in full on panic mode.
He'll throw everything at it to try to win you round.
In his eyes he's got nothing to lose.

It really stood out to me that whilst wanting you to effectively parent his kids and put up with all of that, (not to even go there with his own behaviour) this man wanted your own ds out of his own home more often.

OP I know you didn’t want to cut him off completely and you were hoping to have a relationship with him after he moved out, but his actions now are why posters kept telling you to cut all contact. He keeps hurting you. On purpose! Please protect yourself, protect your peace and wellbeing and take steps to cut contact with him. Stop engaging with his messages unless it’s about him removing everything from your house. Try to truly move on because this isn’t going to get better and he will keep finding ways to hurt you because he feels this is all your fault. I think it’s clear he doesn’t really care about your wellbeing. Just move on completely and let yourself be free and happy.

He really is a nasty piece of work.

You are very clear thinking. You may have PTSD but you also had an ability there to see you were being mistreated and put a stop to it.
Using PTSD against you as a reason to mistreat you is the lowest of the lowest of the low. You have PTSD so I gamed 24/7 and let my kids trash your house? You have PTSD so I let you employ a cleaner after my kids trashed your house? @PithyBeaker there is NO link between the two.
I have currently watched a friend of mine leave this type of situation for the 8th time. She has PTSD and her ex has used it as a reason to abuse her. And guess what? All he’s done is add to her trauma tally. Each team he says he will treat her well and within weeks he has resorted to type. This time the police have been involved.
If someone really cares about you, they would want you to get treatment even if you’ve split up and they are hurt. A decent man would want you to get well and stay well.
He wants to come back and show you how good it could be? Have his children suddenly lived in an army camp?
This is what your focus should be - you and getting well. That’s it. And your lovely DC obviously. This man is pouring scorn on your already upset brain.
I have PTSD and I’m a fair bit older. I did meet someone when I thought I’d die alone but he supported me getting treatment and it has changed my life.
Using a condition as a reason to treat someone badly is appalling. Imagine saying to someone well I needed to treat you like shit because you being in a wheelchair gets in the way? You would think that appalling.
Things will only change for him when he grows the fuck up and takes responsibility for his own children. Neither are your job.
I feel for you having to live the way you were in all of that chaos. Anyone with PTSD would understand what that would do to you.
You need calm reflection. You have not let a good one go. He is abusive and if you keep engaging he will get worse.
Get his stuff out of your home and I know it’s hard to completely block someone but I’m sorry, sometimes it’s the only way.

How dare he use your trauma like a weapon to destroy you so he can act like a knight in shining armour to rescue you!!!
He wants to break your spirit it is a form of severe emotional and psychological abuse, he is trying to destroy your self-esteem, confidence and ability to stand on your own two feet. It is a process that leaves a person so broken they totally dependent on the abuser.
He acts vulnerable @PithyBeaker to reel you in but he is a vampire sucking the soul out of you to get his needs met. He is abusive! He may appear and act differently to your father but his intentions are the same.
You need to get his items out of your home and block him so you can heal and be the goddess you are without anyone trying to dim your spirit.

Yes that's gaslighting, and cruel. Also want to second a PP's suggestion of the Baggage Reclaim website (Natalie Lue) - I found it incredibly useful when extracting myself from a relationship with a man who sounds very similar!

Hiw long has it taken for him to admit fault? Wow! Weeks? Only now he is taking some responsibility for the outcome he put himself in.
He has proved to you he doesn't love you on care about you. All he is showing you is he wants back into your home with all the benefits that brings him.
He didn't want a relationship anymore once he had left your house. Happy to find someone else. Now he's left with literally nothing he's found his love for you again and promises change
Ok so what is going to happen next is he will continue emotional blackmail or charm offensive until he gets the message that you are serious and he will not get back into your home..
Once he has come to that realisation he will be out hunting for his next woman to live off of. To be fair he's probably on the search already.
I know it must be confusing and hard because you love him and know his nice side. But he's NEVER getting back into your home. He can date you from his own home. That's it. Even then it be difficult to keep the lines with him as he would always have getting back into your house in the back of his mind.
Anyway the whole of Mumsnet is behind u OP.
You are doing so well. Cherish and protect your peace. There will be a lovely man who will want to take care of you and protect you, not use u.

My ex did this. Whenever it was too late, whenever I had got to the end of my tolerance he would promise to change. I even laid out exactly what he needed to do and he did not do it.

Or he did do it, once, and then flung that back at me until the end of time as someone who was never ever satisfied.

Fundamentally he wanted to carry on as he was because he was happy doing whatever he wanted, and having me running around trying so hard to please him.

Yours is the same. He loved the setup but he didn’t love you enough for yourself to want to do the work he would need to do to create a tolerable situation for you. He now is saying it’s your fault and he would have changed, because that’s easier than looking at himself and admitting that he was in the wrong (saying to you that he wasn’t great doesn’t count, because he doesn’t believe it or have to mean it, just as long as he gets what he wants from it, and now he’s found a way to blame you for his behaviour anyway).

You are not, and never were, unreasonable in this situation. As for your attitude to men, I am the same, and my now H spent months not pushing me, because he knew something of my history. Let me set the pace of our relationship. Continues to reassure me when my hypervigilance raises its head and I tune in to micro changes in our connection or his mood. Never blames me for his behaviour- holds me to account when I’m an arse but also takes full responsibility when he is.

They do exist. You might find one later, when (or if) you’re ready- but not while you twist yourself all out of shape for someone who doesn’t value you.

You are a survivor @PithyBeaker you survived a monster as a young vulnerable child and the PTSD is an echo of your original wounds. They will never be as painful as the trauma you endured as a child. You’ve never allowed it to define you and your instincts are spot on. You listened to your gut and didn’t buy a house with this man, you put you and your son’s security first even though you were newly enchanted by him. You refused marriage being a possibility in the future to ensure your assets will go to your son when you die.
You are a great mum living in your own home that you are paying for out of your own well earned money.
You are a phoenix that was reborn in the fire of your childhood to be the kind, loving, strong woman you are today. You must protect yourself from anyone trying to chip away at your spirit and soar high ❤️
It’s time to stop his storing his stuff at yours and block the bastard.

"My ex did this. Whenever it was too late, whenever I had got to the end of my tolerance he would promise to change"

Mine too! Only when I was completely done with him did the penny drop but it was so utterly too late by then. "You didn't try/ you're throwing it all away etc etc " but the one "not trying" was him, for years.

Pithy you've given this man literally years of chances, he's had more than enough. If you are really "meant to be" he would keep his distance, learn to be a dad, and respect your decision to live apart. He would give you all the space you need because he would want you to do the right thing for you.
He can't be the right one for you if he's using PTSD to undermine you and break you. You've done the right thing getting him out.

Some men will say things like "if you really love me you would do x". X could be a lot of things - blow jobs, have sex before you're ready, look after his kids, let him live with you again.

It's emotional blackmail and every single example basically says, if you really love me you'll let me do what I want, even especially if you don't want to do it. It's a boundary violation.

If you think about children's behaviour, this is what they do. If you love me you'll let me eat all the ice cream or play in the street or run around causing chaos. And it is a parent's role to work out what is best for them and stop them. Because you love them.

If he really loved you, he would be giving you space. Whenever you had complained he would have addressed his and his children's behaviour to the time. He would have supported and cherished you through your PTSD. He would have made your life infinitely easier. But he didn't.

Because essentially he's an eight year old little boy who has never been told no. And frankly no one wants to be in an adult intimate relationship with a child.

I honestly thought you weren't coming back because it had all sorted itself out, so I'm sorry he's still doing this to you.

I promise you there are good men out there. Men who will cherish you and believe in you. The good times are now, because he's gone. It might take a bit before you feel it but you will feel better.

Hi @PithyBeaker hang on in there! This man wants you to believe he is sorry. But in the very next breath he tells you that you’re mentally ill and can’t make decisions.

Big deep breaths! Go for a lovely walk or tend a pot plant…
Or try some simple maths! All the back rent he owes. All the cleaning money he owes. If he’s genuinely sorry he would pay it back. But we both know there’s not a cats chance in hell you will ever see this money again.
Hes abused your trust and now he’s playing with your head. Ugh you don’t need this in your life- you’ve done so well to get rid….

You wondered how he was getting on parenting his children alone?

Now you know. Brutal.
Hence he has been going round in circles desperately creating a narrative to hurt you and try and confuse you that this is on you.

This was NEVER on you.
Give him credit though, he has been awake at night creating this narrative.

He is determined to have those feral children back in your door.

Of course he would go for your tender spot.
That's what selfish scum do.

He doesn't give a damn about you or your son, he cares about having ordered restored where he does as little as possible while his children treat your home like a shit hole.

Do not listen to such a nasty piece of work.

Agree with him and nod, "yep whatever, best I am alone with my PTSD!"
I would be saying I know that any relationship is the worst thing for me, while I heal.
Then get rid of his shit and mind yourself.

He is a horror. He doesn't care about you.

Don't be taken in by him.
You are worth 10 of him.

@PithyBeaker I have loitered but not posted, mostly because what I wanted to say had already been put very eloquently by others.

At first I did think that him moving out and going back to dating seemed a good solution. And that if he learnt to parent his children who knew what would be possible in the future. It also seemed as though your child would be distressed by the break up.

But:

Most importantly your child seems happier.

I bet you feel like a torrent in your head is subsiding.

He said no to the dating and his since behaved like an absolute knob and said outrageous things to you.

Now I think you’re right to get his stuff out and sever all ties.

And everyone is right. You might have PTSD, but that is not the reason behind this.

@Doubledenim305 He will persecute you mercilessly till he gets what he wants or pays you back for asking him to leave.

@PithyBeaker I am sorry but I agree with DD 😞This is just the start of the next phase. He's tried the softee softee catchee monkee and this is the first of the artillery moving into place. You have things he wants:

Your home
Your labour
Your finances

He is going to do pretty much anything he can to make sure he gets them as he's not stupid and knows this is pretty much his one chance. If he doesn't get his feet back under your table then he is probably facing a future of solo parenting/supporting/housing his own children. The number of women willing to put up with 3 teenage children (who are already pretty feral pre full teendom) and doing most of everything in exchange for simply the presence of Him and his Dick of Delight is not that enormous and then when you throw into the mix how many women just happen to have 3 spare bedrooms and the finances to suddenly support an entire extra family, the pool shrinks again. He's not daft. He knows this.

He is going to hit every single button and try every single trick he can think of to get the magic Open Sesame on your front door. And, if he succeeds (oh my goodness but I hope he doesn't!!) he will NOT be nice to live with! Maybe for a little while but oh my word but he is going to make the bitch pay for this sooner or later 🙁

Please consider getting his stuff gone and cutting contact with him. He doesn't want a relationship (and has said that) he wants YOU

@PithyBeaker I think you have come to the point where you need to go nc to not let him gaslight you. I didn't say this before but now he's really fucking with your mind using your trauma against you in order to manipulate his way in. Put up a shield for you and your son. Nothing positive will come from keeping in touch with him now that he's in "attack mode".

"Agreed to move out to humour you"

It is YOUR house @PithyBeaker
If he had refused, at your request the police would have told him to leave.

So his latest attempt to get back in is the blame game. Please take this as more evidence that you made the right decision.

He isn't worth tying yourself in emotional knots over, trying to reason with his manipulative B.S.

Tell him that from now on you will only communicate with him regarding the removal of his possessions still at your property.

*Reminder you do not need to provide free storage facilities to that arseho1e