Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Didn't he actually end things though? You just said to him it wasn't working living with him and all the kids because it was killing you but you still wanted a relationship? He's really manipulative. There is no "we" to go to therapy, he needs therapy. Keep on keeping on!

It may be manipulative wankery- but there is truth in it so I’m second guessing myself like have I let the best one ever get away? What have I done? Like basically this is another way of saying “you’ll die alone/ I’m so wonderful and I’ve been so good and accepting of your issues and if you don’t trust me you’ll never trust anyone and die alone”

He has now had some time to reflect on why the situation wasn't working for Pithy and why it was making her so stressed and exhausted in her own home. After that reflection he has come to the conclusion that it's all Pithy's fault. Not the gaming, the refusal to help or look after his own kids or clean up after them. It's laughable really.

Do you want to go to therapy with him?

Or would you rather lie naked in an ants’ nest?

Read the old messages. The full force attack won't start until the reality of his new life kicks in. It is now kicking in. He's feeling the pain and he's using you as his punch bag because in his entitled mind, he is never wrong. You are there to serve him and his needs and now you have stopped for your own wellbeing and your sons protection he is going nuclear. This was so predictable and I know I said it in earlier post.
You need to now cut off communication with him. You have at least 2 x40 pages of women who have experienced this type of abuse, reassuring you that you are doing the right thing.
Listen to what others say, but DO NOT give him access to your thoughts through his incessant messaging.
He will persecute you mercilessly till he gets what he wants or pays you back for asking him to leave.
You 💯 did the right thing. You may want to think about police if he can't stop messaging you. Before that suggestion was overkill but now it's a thought.
You protect you and your son from this man. He's not a good man.

He has conveniently forgot that and is basically painting himself as the martyr who agreed to move out to humour me bc I’m so PTSD I self-sabotage and make self-harming decisions.

But he wasn't accepting of your issues. He refused to change anything and said you had to put up with him and his kids as they were. None of that would be fixed by therapy! I'm sure you do have your issues - who doesn't? - but that doesn't mean all the problems with the relationship stem from those issues.

Asking him to move out is one the best decisions you have ever made.

Some of what he says may be true. But that doesn't negate any of the reasons he had to leave. And the line of you will be lonely and never find anyone as good as me, come on! Get real. He's a manipulative, entitled spoilt lazy boy who is being forced to pick up his own sh** now and he is FUMING. STAY AWAY

As for dying alone, you’d almost certainly outlive him anyway.

Neither of my grandmothers seemed to find widowhood the most difficult stage of their lives, even the one who liked her husband.

He is hunting for a weak spot and just found it. You are who you are what you asked is not a wrong thing, and mis trusting men in general is a healthy state of mind.

A man worth having is a man who does not do this sort of thing.

Or definitely muted at least for now.

The most deceptive lives have a bit of truth in them. Your ex has been studying how to push your buttons since day one, I think. Now he’s brought out the big guns…

Well if we are getting technical, he has said he agrees he wasn’t treating me well or helping enough around the house or stopping the kids from trashing it or blablabla and swears it would be different and why can’t I give him a chance to prove how good it could be 😒😒😔

Don't doubt yourself @PithyBeaker

He's managed to find a way of getting to you.

Block him. Especially as he used the term "Child Porn" when it should be Child Sexual Abuse Material.

You've done so well. Don't let this wobble knock you down.

He’s not the best one ever. He called you a cunt, refused to go for walks with you, let his feral children mess up your house and gamed at nigh like a teen boy.

DARVO Classic abuser tactic.

If he genuinely thought your PTSD was harming the relationship, he should have left then instead of checking out and having you subsidise his lifestyle and children for another 2 years.

He should have suggested you both go to therapy 2 years ago.

He should have stopped paying his ex and paid for the therapy.

He did none of it because he was happy with things the way they were. He didn't want to improve the relationship. He isn't happy now and he wants you to take the blame and accommodate his wants again.

Re anytime you start to think he might be any kind of catch.

Please remember the time when he explained that if he and his brood couldn’t live in your place, he wasn’t available tor an exclusive relationship with him.

you are so well rid of him.

Hi, OP,

I’m second guessing myself like have I let the best one ever get away? What have I done? Like basically this is another way of saying “you’ll die alone/ I’m so wonderful and I’ve been so good and accepting of your issues and if you don’t trust me you’ll never trust anyone and die alone”

It's expected. He's trying to make you second guess yourself. The fact that you see this already is a plus on your side.

None of what he is saying is true. I'm not even saying that he thinks it's true. He's venting, blaming, has probably had it up to here with his kids lately. None of this is your fault.

You haven't asked him to come back. He thought you would.

You haven't broken down into a million pieces. He thought you would.

You're having quite a nice, relaxing time without him. He never thought you would.

He's panicking. It's not about you, it's about the fact that he is moving into pain and acceptance and he wants it to all go away. None of this is your problem, your fault, or your concern.

He is showing you who he is. Blaming, deflecting, DARVO. Believe him.

From what you've said, you are doing quite well so far. Keeping doing that and ignore all the noise. Because that's all it is, noise.

If you want to block/mute the noise, that's up to you.

No. You did NOT remove him from your house because of your PTSD. You removed him because he was being lazy, entitled, letting his unruly children run amok, he did not listen when you raised your concerns, and you became - very justifiably - exhausted by it.

The relationship didn't fail because of your PTSD. In fact, he should probably be grateful to your PTSD, because it allowed him to ooze his way in and make a determined attempt to colonise your resources for himself, his children, and his ex-wife. They all profitted from this parasitism for a long time, at the expense of you and your son. A woman without this painful burden would likely not have let this shiftless man over her threshold.

Don't listen to him or your self-doubts here, OP.

He’s an absolute chancer! He’s been abusive to you. He’s allowed his kids to trash your family and home.

If he could do better , if he’s now going to try and will pull his weight and not be an arse… well then he was choosing to behave like that before..

Either he can do better but chose not to, or he actually can’t do better. But he doesn’t get to move back in either way.

Of course he's saying that. It won't be different though. He could have done all of that months ago. He didn't.

YES!!!!!

”If he genuinely thought your PTSD was harming the relationship, he should have left then instead of checking out and having you subsidise his lifestyle and children for another 2 years.”

correct. Ok, I feel better.

OP, he will say anything right now that gets your attention and works to break down your boundaries and certainties.

Oh, let me guess, and he'd only be able to prove it by moving back in, right?