Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

@PithyBeaker you're being too nice. He’s not worthy of it sadly - as demonstrated by all these messages. He really needs a time limit (a week?) to remove it all, and at a time convenient to you (and whatever backup person you want so as to avoid further emotional blackmail when ex turns up!)
And then your home is your own again!

“He will create a little story inside his head about how it's all your fault, so he won't need to start working on his own issues. Or deal with his children.” 🎯 🎯 🎯 🎯

I feel sad for him and the kids that he is SO unable to deal with or even acknowledge any fault or deeper issues in himself - apart from a bare surface level “I treated you badly but but but but but … you never said anything so I didn’t know/I had my own MH issues/some other reason why it wasn’t really my fault and actually is your fault” 🙄 Honestly it’s not getting in my head. Is only pushing me more away and making me feel sorry for him

It would be interesting to graph the number and frequency of texts. I suspect it’d be biphasic with spikes when he has his children and lulls when he’s just doing his own thing. Sadly, I suspect he’ll miss pithy the most when she’s not acting like a skivvy for his children.

You rock, OP. Compassionate yet boundaried.

The storage place sounds like an excellent solution. The faster he gets his stuff out of your house, the faster you can both see if a LAT relationship is possible (if that is something you're still considering). That he's flung himself into martyrdom isn't a good sign, but in any case, you have your physical space and because of that you can take mental and emotional space whenever you want.

Refer to my earlier comment OP, this stage is predictable and really a period of no contact while he gets his emotions in check is the best course of action here if you want to save any kind of friendship or civility. This is the point where things are said that make the whole thing turn sour. Plus you don’t need the negativity. He needs to sort his own mess. You’re doing great.

He can get a storage unit and move his stuff in a day. Tell him it has to be gone on Saturday at the latest or it's going to the tip.

@PithyBeaker , initially i agreed with you that it was too harsh to block and delete him.
But reading your updates, i think pp were way ahead and could see how this will play out.

I am blown away that he was thinking of moving some stuff back to your house!!! And coupled with all his guilt-tripping messages. I think you need to unmuddy the waters.

• Get him to move his things asap.
• But more importantly, you need to block him immediately. Only unblock to send him messages.
• If you can when you unblock, don't read his messages. Reading all his woe-is-me, guilt-tripping, accusatory, blaming messages would not be helping positivity in your mind. It will be dragging you down.

I don't even know him and his messages are really depressing, frustrating and annoying. I can't stand his 'I am victim' frame of mind and the more you read his messages whether you like it or not your mind will subconsciously absorb his POV and it will affect your decision making without you even realising it.

You must have definitely got the ick by now. I can't see how you will find him attractive enough hoping that down the line you guys could rebuild your relationship as a living-together-apart couple.

He is seriously starting to feel like a millstone round someone's neck. I am sorry, you need to cut him loose. You are kind, considerate and very generous. You deserve better and your son deserves a better role model from whoever is in your life (apart from his DF).

Second this: "You’re doing great"

And on top of it, you sound as though you now KNOW that you’re doing great!

It is normal for you also to be sad at the same time, because you genuinely cared for and probably still care for him.

You have already been incredibly kind and patient. He does not "deserve" better from outside of himself, he needs to create his own "better" by working on himself. Nobody else can do it for him or give it to him. He needs to create it for himself, or he will be forever stuck.

YOU, on the other hand, clearly deserve better, and you have taken the most difficult steps in that direction, so you are no longer stuck. You will find your "better", either "on your own" with your DC and broader community, or, in due course, if you want one, with a new partner.

He's a piece of work @PithyBeaker but also textbook unfortunately. He's tried:

1. I don't care, tell her I'll just have sex with other people - that'll do the trick, she'll come running back ❌

2. Beg. I'll promise to change and give her everything she wants so she'll go back to the status quo ❌

3. I'll go through the motions of moving out and tell her how well I'm doing with it - she'll instantly think I'm a responsible human and resume the old routine❌

4. The kids - use the kids to make her feel guilty ❌

5. I'm getting really pissed off she hasn't gotten over her little strop - I'm going to tell her how this is all caused by her failings as a person.....

I'm not sure how he sees this playing out! As a strategy it seems a bit.....shit😂

I think you are being utterly marvellous OP!

To be honest, if he wants to start blaming you then let him. I’d reply, telling him he is right and that he and his children deserve so much better than you. In order to make things better for them you suggest severing all contact and removal of his stuff from your house immediately so they don’t need to deal with you.

Oh dear, I hope he sticks to messages and doesn't try anything more disruptive. He needs to get real, you're no longer the solution to any and all of his problems.
He's heading towards "rest of his stuff in binbags outside his flat" territory, the cheek of wanting to bring things back to you for storage, the mind boggles. You have been so kind to him, he doesn't deserve it!

@PithyBeaker I'm just glad that you didn't have kids with him. The way he's weaponising his children is disgusting.

@PithyBeaker You are being amazing under this pressure. I am with PP though. Give him a timeframe to get all the stuff or it will be put outside his new flat. Problem with putting it in the tip, or saying you will, is that he is such a cf he will then say you deprived him of his assets and start up that chain of madness.

@PithyBeaker hes told you the kids are upset and confused

IF INDEED THEY ARE… that’s all on him. It’s highly likely that they’re not as “upset” as he’s saying.

keep him muted, no response at all, he’ll tire of it eventually.

give him a deadline on his stuff, mean it.

time to pull back and disengage.

If indeed what he says is true… highly likely it’s not. He’s lying to make @PithyBeaker feel bad.

There's a saying, @PithyBeaker , that no good deed goes unpunished.

You thought he had enough to deal with moving out and setting up the flat for his kids, so didn't hassle him about his other stuff.
It might be time now to set a date for the rest of his stuff to go. He can rent a storage space instantly.

You have done and are doing brilliantly. So glad you had such a great weekend celebrating DC's birthday.

Anyone following your whole thread has a new watch word - 'what would Pithy do?'. 🙂

Wishing you lots of good things going forward.

He has done it to himself @PithyBeaker and trying to involve you in his chaos by keeping items at yours and the endless guilt and blame messages.
You have been so amicable whilst also sorting out his items at yours / admin due to breakup and your own sadness. You’ve celebrated your son’s birthday sleepover and ex is still trying to destroy you from moving on with your life.
He has pushed you too far and I’m glad you are going to stop being his storage solution and are refusing to be his emotional punchbag! So proud of you ❤️

He gave me the “woe is me, there’s too much stuff here and no space” sob story, basically wanting to move stuff BACK to the house to store it. I just said here’s the name of self storage unit place near you, they seem reasonably priced…

That is hilarious, I applaud your response. Bang on what it needed to be.

Your eyes must roll at every message he sends.

He is very much panicking at the prospect of the reality of housing and parenting his DC.

WWPD 🤣🤣 I’ll be sure to ask it of myself anytime i feel at a loss.

God yes, he really has tried it all. What else could he possibly try next? Would like to be forewarned and armed…

I can't imagine what it must be like to wake up to 20 message of blame and recrimination and personal judgements from someone whose behaviour meant you no longer felt you could live with them and crowns it by saying it is your fault that he didn't treat you better?

It's such a downer when you are trying to get out from under this situation.

I think you've dealt with this very amicably so far but I think it would be better for your own mental health if you could find a way that works for you of not reading or receiving any more tranches of this "Poor Me, I'm the good guy really" stuff.

Hmmm possibly "You do realise you can never be happy in life with this ridiculous attitude" 🤡

I don't think he is actually hearing anything you are saying. I think the only words he will actually register from you are 'you can move back in now'. Any else seems to be a game move where he just pings the ball back in your court whilst working on his winning shot which will result in the magic words. He has made it so utterly abundantly clear that that is his end and only game that it would be laughable if it weren't so sad.

And I think WWPBD is a good call as you have been amazing!

How much time did he spend sending Pithy 20 guilt trips when he could have spent that time dealing with getting his shit in order and his kids.
those are the choices he makes.

He still thinks you're both the problem and his solution to the problem of his and his kids' chaos.

He's got a lotta nerve asking you to move his shit back in.
That is such a CF move. 🙄Storage space is at a premium where I am and no way would I be using my space for that.

I'm turned off just reading about his whining and complaining. He could look like
Denzel and I would be telling him not only are you not moving your stuff back in, It's going to WhineyAssLockers and the storage is paid until 15 May.

Health problem.