Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

@PithyBeaker

I agree 100% with keeping his ex out of this. Involving her isn't going to change anything and I'm sure she has enough of his shit to deal with.

As far as his stuff, listen, if you are at peace with giving him some time to get it that's up to you. I've always been a 'gimme my shit and get your shit out of here NOW' person. But that's not saying that's a better way to deal with it.

I believe that if he drags his feet you'll know when you've had enough and you'll give him a deadline. Same if he tries to 'insert himself further' into your life by taking things a tiny bit at a time, wants to bring his DC with him, or tries to time things when it's likely your DS will be there.

You've got this!

He knows they don't feel like they've lost a mother.That's manipulative bullshit.

They know exactly who their mom is. They're confused because he's not being clear with them if they think this split is temporary. What they've lost is the person who made his custody time work at her and her son's expense.

I'm glad you had another great day and got to climb with your son. Things are really going to open up for him with you not being overwhelmed by ex and his children. That's the prize.

Yes this exactly. I wasn't suggesting actually involving the ex at all - and as I said before, I know you wouldn't show her even if you could - but in the imaginary world where that happened, what would be brought out is the truth: that he, at best, twisted what they'd said, and at worst completely fabricated it, to make you feel bad. That was below the belt on his part. That should be your overriding thought about it: he will say all sorts to get the result he wants.

Clarity note: I am not suggesting Pithy contacts or brings the ex wife into this at all! Was all hypothetical...

Just as he spent his time gaming and leaving everything to you, he is both refusing to take any responsibility for the end of the relationship or to step up and make this transition easier for his children.

This is EXACTLY who he is.
He has shown that to you.

He doesn't want a partner.

He was a skivvy aupair to do the donkey work of rearing his children.

He doesn't love you or his own children.
When you love your children you put their welfare first, their happiness and security is a priority.

He is not that man, never was, never will be.

He wants someone to make his life easier so he can game in peace.

Thats it.
Anything else is wishful thinking.

Let him rant, he will continue to try and put this all on you.

Anything, rather that step up and do the right decent thing.

You are so well rid of him.

The teenage years will be a chaotic hell with such out of control children.
You have no idea how difficult things can get with teenagers that are challenging and are dys-regulated and will not be reasoned with.
Not to mind mental health problems that can arise for such a chaotic childhood.

You are well out of it and will be so glad that your focus can be on looking after your own child alone. Believe me.

Sounds like you spent your weekend in a healthy and wholesome way - glad to hear it!

But hes being cruel to you now. Very cruel. Accusing you of abandoning his children, and him. That is cruel. I think that would be the line for me. I have admired how you want to be fair and kind up until now, but you have to have boundaries around this. He really can't be allowed to speak with you like that.

https://www.decathlon.co.uk/p/table-tennis-set-with-posts-adjustable-rollnet-2-bats-and-2-balls-white-grey/306112/c227m8548107

We have one of these, we use it on the dining table or the picnic bench in the garden depending on the weather. You could even take.It to the park!

No, don’t make the clearing-out contingent on anything he says or even does. Get those things gone so that he truly understands he does not have his foot in the door.

Not sure about the Peter Pan comparison. I don’t recall Peter Pan calling Wendy a c*nt,

On a more positive note, it’s so great that the party and sleepover were such a joy. You both deserve it.

I was thinking about an earlier comment that your ex was not a good role model to your son, and I agree with this. But also, your relationship wasn’t good for him to see, either. We know children often follow models they’ve grown up with. Better for your sweet boy to understand respect and team work and love from you on your own than witness the behaviours and habits that were not OK when you were part of a couple.

I think it’s fine storing some stuff temporarily, after all, he did move out in less than a week. However his circumstances aren’t going to change anytime soon. He’s not suddenly find room as the chances of him moving quickly don’t seem likely. So I do think you will need to give him a timetable to work to.
Have you got a garage/shed?

That first part made me literally LOL. 🤣

Fair enough to give him a couple of weeks to sort out storage for his stuff. But I wouldn’t agree to much longer. If you let him he’ll just keep kicking the dealing with this into the long grass.

I ‘helped’ my ExH when we split by storing his stuff at my new home, because he was a few weeks behind me in completing on his house, storage was expensive and would involve extra moves, bla, bla, bla. It slowed down me sorting out my own stuff in my new home, which was annoying. But worse, he ended up leaving all his boxes there for over 9 months and then when I finally gave him a deadline, he came round when he knew I’d be out, my teenage kids let him in, and only took about half of it all! Rummaged around in the boxes, left them opened with bubble wrap etc all left on the floor. He said he didn’t need what he left and it cost me money to dispose of his left stuff. He could more easily have just taken the lot without opening the boxes and sorted it at his own house.which is what he would have been doing if I’d been around when he turned up. But it was another parting shot at annoying me. My DCs were pissed off with him as they weren’t able to go out while he was mucking around as they didn’t feel right leaving him in my house alone. Bless them!

I wish I’d just made him put his stuff in storage in the first place.

You need to remember how you got to this point.

It's been relatively easy with no real pushbike from so far.

But the more difficult he finds it- he'll start messaging and trying to pressure you back.

Don't forget what his initial response was to your suggestion of giving each other some space-

He was the one who broke up the relationship.

Then started talking about looking for a new relationship- that was when you were trying to make a go of your current relationship. His response was- he will just find someone new.

Then he just wanted the relationship to continue only if he could still live their- he wasn't interested otherwise.

He did not want you-
Hebdid not want to work on the relationship.

He just wanted the house and for you to look after the kids- or he would end the relationship.

You need to keep reminding yourself of this.

It will get harder as he struggles more and you get more pushback.

And remember if he found anyone else to replace you - he would forget about you completely- not messaging you with the current frequency.

When he finds his next mug. And then blocks/ ghosts you.

You don't wanna be left talking about everything you did for him despite the relationship ending and now he won't even return your calls.

The victim narrative is unceasing. He sent me about twenty messages overnight explaining how this is really all bc of my own trust issues w men bc of my father and my PTSD. He accepts he could have treated me better but the new narrative is that he had MH issues of his own over the last year or so and that is why he didn’t treat me better…. 🤨🤨🤨

I would ignore all of his messages. He wants a response from you, even a negative one. Only respond to actual practical questions.

He gave me the “woe is me, there’s too much stuff here and no space” sob story, basically wanting to move stuff BACK to the house to store it. I just said here’s the name of self storage unit place near you, they seem reasonably priced….

Get up and clean your shitty toilet, Nigel. It might help your mental health….

Nah, not really. Have just consolidated it all into one room downstairs for now…

I’m all over this. Self storage unit is what he needs. Thanks for the reminder this is a valid solution ❤️

Yep I’m done going round by message on the who did what to whom BS. Non responsive.

Morning, OP, yes, this will go on for a while, no doubt. It's not really your problem unless you allow it to set up shop in your head. He will create a little story inside his head about how it's all your fault, so he won't need to start working on his own issues. Or deal with his children.

As has been said before, all this is likely to stop immediately once he meets someone else.

In any event, who cares? This is not your life anymore. If you feel like it, you could occasionally make some sympathetic noises in his direction, but I wouldn't waste too much time on it.

Glad to see you are enjoying your new life so far! You seem to be enjoying having more time with your son.

You can’t have that. Block him or mute him, if not permanently (yet) at least overnight. Sleep is important and you are processing a lot.

Oh he’s been muted all week, dw about that