Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

No, you’re right. At the moment, but you need to set a deadline on this. He needs to find somewhere to put his stuff that’s not your home.

give him a time limit of a month for him to find somewhere for it all to go. His stuff isn’t your responsibility

and well spotted for that emotional blackmail attempt - he’s painting the picture of domestic bliss, when you absolutely know you were at the very very end of your tether. He KNEW this at the time, all the times the toilet was left full of shit, the trashed house…

remember this.

remember too how much crap they left for YOUR cleaner! They treated you with contempt and disrespect. All of them.

that bloke has got some nerve trying to guilt trip you.

at some point @PithyBeaker youre going to get angry. Get his stuff out of your house before that happens.

You could give it a couple of weeks and suggest a local lock up?

Then he could access his belongings as and when he needed without having to co-ordinate diaries with you.

It might help cement in his mind that the living arrangements you had are over.

Just as an option. And can be done kindly. He needs a spark to get himself sorted and find a bigger place for his children. He clearly wants to be an active part of their lives but that means being a provider as well.

I would gently tell him to “stop now enough with the emotional blackmail messages let’s move forward”

The kids are struggling,

When you live in a smaller space you need to keep on top of things sooner. They are struggling because he ignored you when you tried to help him teach them to tidy up.

feel like they lost a mother and brother,

Feel like they lost a maid and a playmate.

don’t know what to tell them

Tell them their dad fucked up and to learn from his mistakes.

or how to hide how much I’m struggling

With the housework until he finds another appliance…

etc.

Stay strong @PithyBeaker! You are an inspiration, leading by example how to shake off gendered be-kindness whilst remaining kind.

@frozendaisy I wouldn't bother referencing the emotional blackmail , these types never own their shit because they live in denial. Better just to ignore or just "okay Dave' those kind of messages. It just keeps you involved in the cyclic discourse if you react too much.

He earns six figures. He needs to sort out a storage unit.

i suggest you book a man and van in one week’s time and tell him that if he hasn’t told you which storage unit to meet him at, it will go to the charity depot.

He could always store his extra stuff /crap in his children's mother's home/shed/
garage/attic.
Just an idea.... 🤔
@PithyBeaker

Very manipulative of him, and difficult for you. But please keep this in mind whenever he manages to get through your defences... your son had a fantastic bday party and (first) hang-out with his mates in his own home. Your ex wanted your son to spend less time in his own home.

Please do not feel sorry for this man, he has never felt sorry (or compassion or real caring, etc) for you or your son. He has only ever felt sorry for himself and wanted what worked for him.

@PithyBeaker this sadly, feels oh so predictable. Not even one whole weekend of looking after his own kids and the”woe is me” act starts.

Stay strong and resist his whining - it’s bullshit. He was adult enough to have kids, about time he acts like a fucking adult and parents them.

Regards his stuff, he needs to make plans to have it moved to storage where he can deal with it as he sees fit, it’s prolonging the agony and giving him a chink to exploit while it still clutters up your place.

This. Rather predictably, he has only coped with his own children for 24 hours. Ignore the manipulative messages, they have not been abandoned, they have their own mother.

Lovely to hear your son had such a great Birthday!

It was his fault you broke up, he's caused this distress. It's tough when actions come back to bite you, I bet he feels awful. But you gave him plenty of chances and ran yourself ragged for him and his kids. He chose not to make the changes you'd asked for. It had to end, surely he sees that. Whatever distress he's now contending with, it is not your problem to fix, not any more. Trying to guilt you is despicable.

“It implies that you are, and always will be, responsible for looking after him and his children, and have reneged on that.” This is exactly what he thinks and how he is behaving.

I know you wouldn't do this @PithyBeaker because you're kind and reasonable, but I do wonder how his ex wife would react if she were shown that message, and, in turn, what he'd say if she then told him (as I would expect) she was unhappy with this? I would guess it might be something along the lines of: he hadn't really meant it / they hadn't really said it but he was having a bad day and wanted to make you feel guilty for that...

I know. I’m being non-responsive. Just took DC to a friend’s bday party at Go Ape - and I got to do all the climbing stuff too and it was so fun!! We are both really tired after a very busy weekend now and I’m ignoring my messages for the evening and having a bath and an early night. It’s getting a bit easier every day, I think. Onwards.

As always, @PithyBeaker, you are well aware of his self serving interpretation of the situation, I’m so proud of you! And again your recent posts show that you will not resort to (nor give into the MN pressure to) be ruthless towards him- you’re a helluva woman and I am trying desperately to ‘channel’ you in my current shitty situation- what would Pithy do?’ Is what I ask myself before responding to my STBXH in fact 😉
selfishly, I want you to keep posting so I can remind myself of your example… you are handling all of this with grace and integrity- go you! 💐

Every word of this @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I don’t hate any of them. I feel awful that the kids are upset and confused 😔 and worse bc I don’t think he is taking any responsibility in talking to them about it, it’s just all ‘she needs space, blah blah’ with an implicit assumption this is just temporary! Of course they’re confused. I’m so furious at him for not doing better by them and telling them the truth and owning his own (outsized) part in this

Oof god no. Layering complications and distress on more of the same. She’s a PITA and wouldn’t agree anyway.

Oh that's so unfair on the kids, I understand why you're furious. They need to know the (age-appropriate) truth.

Wait, what? What message? The one about how the kids are feeling they lost a mother? I mean, she would laugh and say how stupid that is and use it as an opportunity to belittle me (“obv the kids don’t care THAT much about you”) and be quite cruel to him. Do not want to involve her in any way. Can’t think of anything less likely to help the situation. She loves a bit of drama.

@PithyBeaker you gave no idea what he has said to them and more importantly what they have said to him. I would bet it’s in total bollocks cos you can never catch him out. You can’t say to the kids: ‘I believe you feel you are missing a mother now you have moved out’ so he can make you feel guilty at no cost

This is really lovely. 😭 I know what XH means but what is STB? Also I don’t want to scare you but I have no idea what I’m doing and would have been completely lost without this thread (and its precursors)… hope your situation resolves with minimal grinding of teeth….

Soon To Be ex husband! 😁

I think Winter’s point is that he’s got no boundaries- it’s really inappropriate to refer to them having lost a mother, and their mum probably wouldn’t appreciate it.

He asked you to keep items of his at yours and as he wasn't using you as his emotional punchbag you agreed. He’s not being amicable now @PithyBeakeryou are absorbing his anger, stress and blame which is very damaging for your MH. He is facing the consequences of his own actions!
As discussed previously you are not his children’s mum and your son has had the best weekend of his life because ex and co no longer live with you.
If he carries on I don’t think you have the choice in storing his belongings because it keeps the communication open between you both.
I don’t think he will stop being the victim unless he meets someone else.

I agree you need to give him a calm warning.

You need to parent your DC including dealing with their feelings at the ending of our relationship.

I agreed for you to store xyz here, this isn’t open ended or long term. It was also on the condition of you being mature.

The nature of your messages are emotionally manipulative and full of you not taking responsibility for your lack of parenting or your lack of care toward me.

If this continues I will be arranging to deliver the rest of the items at short notice.

OP, I've been lurking and cheering you on - just one thought. When I booted out my ExH, he thought we would continue to have a friendly "semi-detached" relationship, dinner together every few weeks with our young adult children, meet up for coffee etc. And the reason we haven't is because once he had left life was just so much nicer. None of us really wanted to see him - which is very sad in some ways. I'm not sure if this makes sense - I mean it seems obvious that once someone you wanted to leave has gone things would be better, but it's all the little things that you get used to putting up with and then notice when they don't happen any more - nobody stomping around in a mood, not having to wear earplugs to block out his snoring, not doing his life admin as well as my own. The house is so much more peaceful, and I really hope you find the same.