Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

I’ve been following your story and cheering you on. You have done so well, for you and your DS.

my hope for you is that you recognise that you do not have any continuing obligation to make his life easy. The reason he has no space is that the home he chose to buy does not have any space. There are solutions. He could hire self storage for a transition.

the important point is that it is not your problem. He will continue to make use of you until you push back. Give him a deadline. A month sounds reasonable and tell him if it isn’t gone by then you will have it cleared.

What has he honestly done to deserve continuing to use space in your house?

You have so got this, I am in awe.

OP, please don't become free storage for him.
You are so much more than that.

Despite all you did, how much you paid for and put yourself out for him and his children, he still hasn't one ounce of grace to be even slightly appreciative of all you did.

His go to is to lie and try and guilt you.
Abandoned my arse.
They have a mother!

YOU need to put yourself first.
His stuff needs to go to storage.

You deserve a clean break from him.
Give yourself the chance to heal and move forward.
You can't do that looking at his shit.

His regret is real, for himself and all he will have to do, and not be able to avoid.

Keeping house.
Shopping.
Laundry.
Cooking meals every day.
Cleaning up after them.
Homework and school, general admin.

He moved into yours after 5 months to avoid it.
That many children involves work for sure.

Much harder to spend your evenings gaming when there is no one else keeping everything going.

He couldn't even do 24 hours without complaining.

You are worth ten of him.
Don't pay his whining an ounce of attention.
Go for a wander around your lovely clean house instead.😁

Oh and definitely get yourself body ready for a great summer.
Nothing like looking rested and fresh to give you a good boost.
New haircut even!

And that's where he rents movers and storage and goes through things and gets rid of stuff. This is part of breaking up. You're going to have to give him a date to get his stuff out. I see giving him a bit of leeway, but again, this is part of adulting he's putting on you. You can't be his permanent storage solution. He's got a 6 figure income. He can afford to store the things he has no room for that he wants to keep. His space is not your problem.

Given some of the things he's said and still trying to guilt you over his failures as a partner and parent, I'd be hiring movers and a storage space for one month, then it's his problem.

Setting a date for him to have the rest of his things isn’t cruel or dumping it on him OP. It’s a natural part of a break-up. I would actually argue that it’s kinder for him and his children as it doesn’t drag things out.

I wonder if you are maybe slightly confusing someone that doesn’t want to do things with someone that can’t do things. Hope this doesn’t sound rude as don’t mean it so at all! He is perfectly capable (and can easily afford!) a storage locker for his stuff. He just doesn’t want to or can’t be bothered while you will do things for him. This seems to be a bit of a theme for him…..

He is keeping his belongings at yours to keep the communication going, and in the hope that you will get back together. It gives him an excuse to keep in contact with you. So what if he doesn't have the space at his. That's his problem not yours.

He needs to either send a date when he will collect it, or you send a deadline date. Be firm and say if everything isn't collected by this date then it will go to the tip. This is not being cruel, this is setting boundaries. Once he's got all his belongings then you can finally begin to move on without his messages.

It will become more difficult for you the longer you keep his belongings at yours.

He needs to rent or sell his apartment & buy something that a) he can provide adequate bedrooms for his DC & b) has enough room for all his stuff, or a garage.
It's moved quickly, but I agree that it's not the kids who are struggling, it's HIM.
I'd be telling him he needs to remove his belongings & come up with a plan that enables him to do so rapidly. That you have to plans to become his free lock up space.

Shift his stuff out and bring in the ping pong and ceramic studio 😆

Ex's stuff is a tie that needs to be cut. Physical space clearing also clears mental and emotional space.

Your home is now for you and your child only for the first time since you bought it. Your cleaner costs half because of the lessened work load. Think how that added up over 5 years. Maybe put the money saved from that for a bit into a little fund for an experience trip for the two of you or something he'd really like.

If my memory serves me correctly he’s not short of money? Time for him to think about storage?

Oh my…… he is sooooo predictable…

I would love to be a fly on the wall and see how his “parenting” is going this weekend!

This! Please see this OP! You seen not cruel! He wants a foothold for keeping in contact. It won’t do either of you any good to drag it out. You need a clean break from him

@SpainToday one can only hope that he has a new found respect for the op and is exhausted from putting in the effort and creating a good weekend for his children.

I know that you'll agree there's not a chance in hell he will see things that way.

His message after less than a whole weekend with his own kids is so depressingly predictable. I guarantee they said no such thing. As pp have suggested, they might have said they missed your house.

You’re very nice OP but you need to set a deadline for this. You can’t store his stuff forever! He needs to either ask his family to store it, pay for storage or get rid of it. I’d give a month for him to decide.

He's going to become increasingly pushy as the discomfort of having 3 unregulated kids in a tiny space grows. He'll be completely exhausted and angry in a few days. He will make you the brunt of his frustrations, OP.

You don't seem to be ready yet to really break it off with him, maybe you're hoping that a LAT relationship will work. If this is the case, the best thing you can do here is grey rock him. He needs to learn to run his own life and take responsibility, to become a good partner to you (including in a LAT relationship).

What a lovely post to read.
To have a house full of kids being happy and full of joy and your DS having a wonderful time. (and knowing that you can give them all back bar your lovely DS and have a clean peaceful calm house again the next day).

The comparison between your DS's party day and some of the scenes not so long ago must be a real contrast . And it bodes really well for you and your DS.

I agree. However....my dad used to say "nothing for nothing". It might be an idea to use the fact that you are doing him a favour and get him to acknowledge it as such. Not like a petulant, immature teenager EXPECT that that's the least you could do after all you have put him through. It's about taking back the power. He's run you ragged and you are taking back control and saying no. You ARE doing him a favour by keeping his stuff (and keeping a foot in your place too). Keep his stuff but only if he acknowledges WHY he forced you to ask him to leave. Get him to accept his own part in the breakup. If he doesn't, you can move his stuff to a lock up and pay first month and after that he needs to deal with his own stuff.
Psychologically he's keeping his toe in the door. Keep you involved in his and his kids life.
I would imagine as the reality and pain of him actually having to live in a much less comfortable place and the HUGE amount of work involved in looking after and cleaning up after his kids, then the anger and resentment could well intensify towards you. You think he's going to be ok with it😬 I don't think so. On paper yes. In reality no way. He will be fuming. So Having that open contact will give him a verbal kicking board to lash out at and vent all his frustrations on. Think about him calling u a C* when you provided the service and home etc etc. That man is still in there.
Just think about it.

You don't seem to be ready yet to really break it off with him, maybe you're hoping that a LAT relationship will work.

I think Pithy wants that too. But this guy is unwilling to settle for anything other than The Mom Experience, provided by the mom figure in her home. He's looking to recreate his family chaos.

Their wants and needs are incompatible and I think this weekend probably really highlighted that for Pithy. She gave her son an experience she's been too exhausted to until now, and he's dumping his stress on her.

Sorry that was a real 'jumble of ideas' post above. But it just became clear as I was writing it.
His anger will probably intensfy as the pain of his new reality kicks in.
You may not want to have his stuff in your house when that hits.
The lock up is maybe a good idea for his stuff.
Him calling u a C* when nothing was actually wrong shows what he has in him.
He may be absolutely furious with you in the not too distant future. Especially if he believes his own entitled narrative.
Eyes open!

You don't need to dump his remaining stuff. Pack it up, get a storage unit, tell him where it is and that if he doesn't pay the bill after the first 30 days it will be disposed of.

How predictable of him OP.

A full weekend with his kids and no "mum" in the picture and he's angry and sulky and guilt tripping you. Mum is in quotation marks as he could be that responsible adult doing all the shit bits of adulting and parenting but why would he when you could do it instead for him? 🙄

If you're not ready to block him OP, maybe you should say you'd like a break in communication and to only get in touch when he's ready to pick up the rest of his things. Personally I'd say give him a month to do this. He could get a storage unit short term. The how is not your concern. He's a working adult with kids and an income and he needs to stop being so chaotic and sort stuff out himself.

You guys moved in together very quickly.

I'm curious how long he was parenting in his 1 bed flat before you moved to his area and he moved in with you?

It's time for him to sort out a larger place for him and his kids if he wants to have them 50/50 he needs a bigger place of his own.

He has told you very clearly that if you stayed in a relationship without living together it wouldn't be exclusive (the audacity for this guy is off the scale btw). So there is no need to be texting back and forth unless it is about getting the rest of his things.

Also I'm loving the kids hangout room suggestions.

May I also suggest, some little arcade game type toys. My ds has a basketball one, whack-a-mole, claw machine, etc and him and his pals love playing on them. 😊

You must feel conflicted this weekend @PithyBeaker

On the one hand, your son has had a good birthday party and sleepover, and your cleaner has not needed to expend as much energy as usual to get your house back to normal.

On the other, there's probably a bit of guilt over your ex's experience and his DC's mess and chaos. You don't hate him, or them. It's easy for PP to tell you to block him, or to chuck out his stuff

Real life is much more nuanced than that.

So delighted your boy had a lovely evening.
Keeping thinking of that and his future full of such lovely times, when you feel weak.
Your boy deserves a happy calm home.