Continuing AIBU thread 3

[PithyBeaker]

More of the same, and thanks for your support

Lots of guilt trip messages this morning. “The kids are struggling, feel like they lost a mother and brother, don’t know what to tell them or how to hide how much I’m struggling, etc” he says I’m being dishonest saying I haven’t abandoned them 😔😔😔 I said he’s the one who abandoned me and he isn’t taking responsibility for his part in the breakdown

So he’s done a night with them on his own and he has defaulted to poor me? Know from your previous posts OP you will deal with this will.
Maybe the kids are upset but you aren’t their mum, they have two parents.
I am sure as he loves gaming and that he will find the demands on him difficult?
They will also miss your son but sadly relationships do end.
You gave this man every chance, repeatedly, and he just couldn’t be bothered.
He needs to reflect now on what he did, without coming to you to fix it for him,

So manipulative. I doubt the children are saying that at all. I’m sure you were important to them, but they have a mother and at least one of the three didn’t get on with your son.

He was/is very focused on having you in the mother/nurturing role, isn’t he? That’s what he misses.

You’ll be tired after the non-sleepover so put messages on mute for now, get chores out of the way then do something peaceful and relaxing. Let your son watch movies in his birthday weekend while you read, listen to music or have a nap.

Oh dear, well it had to happen.

He obviously knew you'd be busy yesterday with the party so didn't bother getting in touch. But here he is one day of looking after his own DC and he's starting with the guilt tripping.

Maybe he's just realised that he's the one that's now left with all the chaos and mess and doesn't like it.

Hang tough, if you do message back just tell him it's all new for the DC right now and they'll soon settle and get into a routine.

No long conversations needed, the beauty of a message via phone is you get to reply when you're ready to do so or you don't even have to reply at all.

Maybe he needs to teach his kids to treat their “mother” with respect next time. It’s been one night! He’s pathetic and it’s his job to make their new normal a good one, not yours or your son’s. It’s pretty clear he’s an enabler of misery and bad behaviour, wallowing in it himself, not a parent teaching them good values, self respect, respect for others and resilience.

You were never a mother, you were the run ragged skivvy.

Of course he and them will miss that.
He will also miss the cleaner whom YOU paid for that cleaned up after his feral children.

He allowed them to thrash your house because it wasn't his and it was another passive aggressive way to have a dig at you.

Let him clean up after his children.

You and your son can savour the peace and tidy house that YOU pay for.

You won't know yourself with the difference of not constantly cleaning up after others.

He's a cheeky fxxker.
Don't engage.
He is determined to blame you and take fxxk all responsibility for what brought him to this place.

"Recollections may vary" .....on a loop to such bullshit.

He's a lazy avoidant father who is going to have to pick up after his own children.
Will do them all the world of good to live in their own mess.

Your cleaner won't know herself going forward too!

I can almost guarantee the kids are not
struggling. They are not saying they have “lost a mother and a brother” - these are his words. They are more than likely asking if they can go out to get pizza for lunch and then spend the afternoon on their screens.

After one night having to parent on his own? 🙈

That’s an entirely predictable response, and a common one.

I have said this often, but one of the things about relationships ending ( am aware it’s not straightforward) is that although it may be over in the sense you are now living apart, the relationship dynamic continues. He wants:needs you to look after him, and to a certain extent you want/need to continue doing so. It’s not unusual, it can even happen in abusive relationships.

It’s why in my opinion it’s really important to actually have a real break for a period of time to allow you to reset. Otherwise he may not be in your house anymore but he’s constantly in your head. If you can get him out of your head, that will give you the mental as well as physical space you need. It will help you to get the distance required to actually really understand what you have been through, and more importantly what you want going forward. It’s difficult, especially when you still love him, but I genuinely think it will be the best thing for him too. And all of the DC. It’s time for you all adjust to the new situation ( especially the DC ) with no muddying of the waters. He has to accept his new reality, and make it work. As you already are.

That doesn’t mean necessarily the end of any relationship. But it means that any future relationship as either lovers, or indeed just friends will be a new, and different one, not simply the old one in different households.

As I said this is the more difficult choice, it’s easier to keep in touch. It may be less painful to continue as you are, but you are possibly just postponing the pain. Better to feel that pain, grieve for the loss of the relationship now . And far better to allow yourself the headspace needed to bring you clarity you need.

don’t know what to tell them or how to hide how much I’m struggling, etc

It always ends up all about him. He's their parent and he can figure it out. You weren't their mom and they knew that, he's back to throwing bullshit to see what sticks.

One or two nights on his own with his kids and he's trying to guilt you about having to parent his own children in his own place. So lazy.

That said, think about getting the ping pong table. I remember a couple kids having one (or a pool table) in the basement and it's kind of a fun way to pass a little time for kids and even teens.

"Abandoned" is a very strong word. And not an appropriate one to describe the ending of a relationship that wasn't working because it took a severe toll on your life and your child's.

It implies that you are, and always will be, responsible for looking after him and his children, and have reneged on that.

He really doesn't get it.

Luckily that's not your problem now.

I will chew my arm off if the kids actually said that @PithyBeaker . It would have been more like "but I liked the other house better, there was more space. And who's going to make us supper?"

He feels it's hard to parent his kids and is now using them to get to you. Don't fall for it and don't you dare feeling guilty!

@TheBlueKoala but who is going to clean up after the weekend?!!!

I have said this often, but one of the things about relationships ending ( am aware it’s not straightforward) is that although it may be over in the sense you are now living apart, the relationship dynamic continues. He wants:needs you to look after him, and to a certain extent you want/need to continue doing so. It’s not unusual, it can even happen in abusive relationships.
It’s why in my opinion it’s really important to actually have a real break for a period of time to allow you to reset. Otherwise he may not be in your house anymore but he’s constantly in your head. If you can get him out of your head, that will give you the mental as well as physical space you need. It will help you to get the distance required to actually really understand what you have been through, and more importantly what you want going forward. It’s difficult, especially when you still love him, but I genuinely think it will be the best thing for him too. And all of the DC. It’s time for you all adjust to the new situation ( especially the DC ) with no muddying of the waters. He has to accept his new reality, and make it work. As you already are.

I agree with this. He's still trying to guilt you (come on, his kids know exactly who their mother is and don't think of your son as a brother), he's still trying to make them your problem. There's a new reality and he has to move into that without you supporting him because he's over reliant on a woman, you, making his life work for him. It's time for boundaries and distance because you're not together as a couple anymore.

Look at the difference in your weekends. You gave your kid a wonderful and first time birthday experience with friends over at your home. You're already refilling the emotional bank he and his kids drained. And that's refilled your son's emotional bank too.

Sometimes kids think and say ridiculous things about what they think is fair or how they see a situation and it’s the adults job to set them straight about what really happened. In his case this should be: she hasn’t abandoned you, unfortunately our relationship has broken down and that was as much my own decision as it was hers.

If his children said those things, that should have been his response. He should not have passed on what they said to you as this would serve no other purpose than to make you feel bad.

This. When I paid her on Friday it was just over half what it used to cost me. Because she only needed two hours to clean up instead of four. Unreal.

The kids are struggling exactly as much as they have always struggled and now he is responsible for noticing and/or managing it.

It seems unlikely he knows all the various feelings his three different children are experiencing. He should put some time into finding out.

He has had a week to think about what to tell them - that has nothing to do with you. Communication is difficult for many of us, but that does not make somebody else responsible for making us prompt cards for difficult convos.

He should completely hide how much he is struggling and if he cannot get some support or therapy to avoid parentifying his kids. Maybe some counselling would help but once again, you are not his therapist.

Calling you dishonest sounds like a projection and also it’s untrue itself.

Finally you did not abandon them. Sounds more he abandoned them some time ago by failing to parent them adequately. There is no excuse he had had plenty of time to get some counselling / parenting classes/ read a book.

You’re not wrong about this. I know they are his words. If they miss anything it is the house and the space compared to cramped apartment. I do believe they miss my DC too though

Well, now he is all settled in his new home and his kids have got their beds all sorted yadeeyadeeya... is there any reason why you need to have any contact with him whatsoever?
The relationship is over, everyone has moved on. The world has turned.
Block and delete.

Translation: 'after the novelty of the first few hours, this is more work and I don't get as much gaming time anymore...'

Grey rock replies are your friend here. 'You know he'll figure it out' that sort of thing.

This is not realistic. I still have a lot of his stuff here bc he has no space at the flat for it. I’m not going to be cruel and just dump it on him, he literally has no space for it.

It sounds like you’re coping brilliantly!
How lovely to have your own space back, and also kept nicely too.
Glad you can see his texts for the guilt trip they are. He just didn’t realise how much it would affect him having to be the one in charge and to clear up any mess.

Long may you enjoy the freedom and peace you now have.

He can hire storage. Or he could store it all in his one bed flat ( that wasn't worth renting out) and rent a larger place

What's his plan for collecting his stuff op , if he doesn't have the space for it.

A relative's exh took a year or so to get his things after they split and made her life difficult with messages of emotional blackmail during that time.

That’s kind. It is still you looking after him/ sorting things for him And a reason for contact. And I understand, I really do. But going forward he needs to sort this sort of thing out himself. Other adults do. It’s just postponing it.

Allowing him to store it also is allowing him hope I expect that he’ll be back. Which regardless of the relationship status you don’t want. It’s actually kinder of you if you make that absolutely clear by herring his stuff out.

I am not suggesting you pit it on the street. Send him some storage numbers ( you don’t have to do this , but can if it helps ). Give him a reasonable amount of time to arrange it but set a deadline. Tell him if he doesn’t meet it you’ll arrange it yourself. Mean it, and be resolute.

Do think of what I suggested earlier. Even a no contact break for a set time would give you headspace. You’ll be amazed the difference it makes!