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Original poster

Continuing an AIBU …

961 replies

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 19:22

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

OP posts:
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7
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:46

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 13/04/2026 16:27

But the problem is, you're giving off mixed signals. You're asking us why he's not getting it, but then a couple of posts later saying that you'd give him another chance if he agreed to live separately. That's why he's not getting it.

You're not sure you want it to be over, so why on earth would he be. You go out and sit in the car with him, you reply to his messages, that's making him think there's still a chance. Arguably, that's crueller than cutting him off cold.

For what it's worth, I think you've done a hell of a job over the last few days, from your first aibu across this thread. You've accepted there's a massive issue, and you've dealt with it decisively.

But you're hoping there's something to salvage here, and it's in danger of tripping you up at the last hurdle. There's not, and I think you know that really.

Show quote history

Yes. Your points are all valid and I know. It’s sad bc I feel so far away from the woman who stroked his arm on Friday delivering the news that I wanted our relationship to look different. I knew it would go this way I think. It’s just still sad. The thought of being held by him makes my skin crawl a bit now. He’s just so completely failed to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:48

outerspacepotato · 13/04/2026 16:24

He was not a good role model around your child

Partner's home life modeled chaos and misogyny and sexist overwork and he repeated that pattern and brought that into your home and modeled that for your son. You had to threaten to kick him out to stop his verbal abuse. He doesn't respect your no. He showed up unannounced to try to talk you into letting him back in when you were trying to get ready for your work day. That's really disrespectful. If you keep him in your life, your son sees that's ok.

I don't know him but I grew up with a father a bit like him and have seen a few parasites in action and believe me, you are better off without this guy.

As for him wanting to come over, you know he's just going to show up with the puppy dog sad eyes. He doesn't respect your no. It's time for consequences for that.

Edited

I know. I don’t want my son thinking that’s how you treat women. Wish he was getting to see it being done right but I guess maybe that ship has sailed in this lifetime.

OP posts:
BettyBooBoobs · 13/04/2026 16:48

@PithyBeakeryou have shown great restraint with him just dropping round, but from where I’m standing, it feels like he is using your kindness to try and wear you down. Lots of apologies, but he just can’t see how his behaviour is not appropriate. It’s the same song, sung in a different key.

He is working on how he can get what he wants out your relationship rather than showing you the respect you deserve. A respectful person would give you your space, not keep messaging you and dropping by. Buying you breakfast now is an obvious attempt to “buy” you back.

Hold strong! Each time he gets a response from you, he sees it as a positive reinforcement for his shameless attempt to change your mind. He will persist until you make it absolutely clear that you will not engage with him about anything other than moving his things out.

SpryCat · 13/04/2026 16:49

I think @PithyBeaker is coping really well with his flip flopping from anger, trying to guilt her and now love bombing. He’s out of her house and soon all of his furniture and personal effects will be gone.
For those that say Pithy is giving off mixed signals/ she should block him etc this is her life and not a soap and has to do what she feels is right and necessary.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:50

Glowingup · 13/04/2026 16:14

Grim. It’s bordering on harassment now I think. As soon as his furniture is gone I’d get a ring doorbell to screen visitors and I’d block him on everything.

Show quote history

I hate Amazon. So maybe not a Ring doorbell … but yes I take your broader point.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:52

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2026 16:28

It depends on how much he carries on doing it.

I suspect it's not intended as harassment at this point. You have potentially reached that threshold though and you need to be aware of this in case he does continue to not take the word no as an answer.

You aren't ready for that yet, but if he persists and you really want shot of him you may eventually run out of options.

Just keep it on your radar for now. You have asked him clearly not to do something explicit and he's overriding and ignoring it.

This doesn't bode well if you were to give some ground. He is happy to break your boundaries and not listen to you when you are explicit. So all the words he's spouting are even more worthless and meaningless in this context.

Even now what you are saying is still irrelevant. It's still only about him and what he wants.

Show quote history

Ok I just said very clearly “no do not come over” and he said Ok. I do not think he will come over again without asking. I really don’t. He knows I wouldn’t let him in.

OP posts:
Catcatcatcatcat · 13/04/2026 16:54

But you keep opening the door and communicating with him.

Can you block him until next week?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 13/04/2026 16:54

I’m afraid you may need to call on the big guns now. For whatever reason, he isn’t respecting you. He is pushing the boundaries and asking for things he has no right to ask for.

I think you have to spell out to him that his behaviour is not appropriate, that his requests are not appropriate, that his constant contact is not appropriate. I know you don’t want to go to the police and you may not need to- yet.

However you do need to say ‘stop contacting me multiple times a day’.
Stop asking me for things.
This is inappropriate.

And you may need to point out to him that his AuDHD may be making it harder for him to realise what the boundaries of appropriate behaviour are, but that he needs to stop!

Not listening to you and not taking you seriously- he’s still doing it.

You really need to be very B&W with him now, before he gets himself in trouble. This is not appropriate. Do not indulge it.

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2026 16:56

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:52

Ok I just said very clearly “no do not come over” and he said Ok. I do not think he will come over again without asking. I really don’t. He knows I wouldn’t let him in.

Show quote history

If he doesn't great.

If he does. Well you need to be aware that's a big massive red klaxon going off.

Right now you don't know for sure which way he'll jump.

AmandaHoldensLips · 13/04/2026 16:56

The sooner you can get the rest of his stuff out the better. The last thing you need is him turning up with his kids on the pretext of needing something that's still in your house.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:59

CheeriosOrFrosties · 13/04/2026 16:36

Is that actually what the draw is? You talk about his childhood and chaos and upbringing, but what about yours? What buttons does a lost little boy that needs rescuing/looking after press in you? What scenario from your own past are you replaying, hoping for a different ending?

Show quote history

Well, yes, there is definitely a part of me that feels for people who were deeply and irretrievably damaged as children. I am one and I know how it feels. My response to my own experience was to become convinced that only I could ever take care of myself. Then I met him and he made me feel safe for the first time ever and I was able to uncover and start to deal with all the childhood stuff, but hello PTSD. Then the chaos in the house became too much and he turned into something else, a person borderline contemptuous and indifferent, and here we are. Me again. One of my close mates pointed out that I needed him out to escape the chaos and heal my PTSD.

OP posts:
trumpisruin · 13/04/2026 17:01

This bloke is trying anything & everything. Pressing every button and pulling every lever that he can in the hope that something will get you to back down OP.
If you did back down he'd be your dream man... for just as long as it takes for him to dig himself in & be impossible to remove. Then he'll start controlling everything & punishing you for ejecting him.
That's what I think.

Hoardasurass · 13/04/2026 17:06

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:52

Ok I just said very clearly “no do not come over” and he said Ok. I do not think he will come over again without asking. I really don’t. He knows I wouldn’t let him in.

Show quote history

Thing is this is the 2nd time hes come over after you said not to and both times you've gone out and spoken to him. He will keep doing it until you stop engaging with him, when he next turns up without your specific invitation tell him to go away and shut the door, no need for any other interaction or he will just keep turning up

outerspacepotato · 13/04/2026 17:08

Your boundaries with him are flexible and he's testing them.

Sorry, but what you're doing is called intermittent reinforcement and it's the strongest way to reinforce behaviour.

He shows up without calling or you inviting him, but you go out and talk to him. That just rewarded him with your attention.

He shows up unannounced again with your breakfast and you spend time with him. Again, you just rewarded him with your time and attention for crossing boundaries.

He wants to come and have sex with you tonight because that's his next big plan to get back in your house. You're going to have to text him to go to his home if he shows up. No face to face time.

It won't stop until you make him stop. No reward of your time when he just shows up. That's his consequence for crossing the boundary that he can't rock on up to your house as he pleases. You text him to go home. That's it.

Your actions aren't congruent with, that is, matching your words.

A man can't help you heal PTSD, especially a damaged one. He sure can make it worse.

SpryCat · 13/04/2026 17:09

I think once his belongings are gone from your house and after your son’s birthday with the fear of him and DC hijacking it have faded you will find it easier to not read his messages and not respond when he turns up unannounced.

WinterSunglasses · 13/04/2026 17:11

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:59

Well, yes, there is definitely a part of me that feels for people who were deeply and irretrievably damaged as children. I am one and I know how it feels. My response to my own experience was to become convinced that only I could ever take care of myself. Then I met him and he made me feel safe for the first time ever and I was able to uncover and start to deal with all the childhood stuff, but hello PTSD. Then the chaos in the house became too much and he turned into something else, a person borderline contemptuous and indifferent, and here we are. Me again. One of my close mates pointed out that I needed him out to escape the chaos and heal my PTSD.

Show quote history

You might already have done or be doing this OP but proper therapy to talk it through is important. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Agree with not letting him in or seeing him face to face again. His fixation on getting you to keep giving him some leeway is worrying.

outerspacepotato · 13/04/2026 17:15

SpryCat · 13/04/2026 16:49

I think @PithyBeaker is coping really well with his flip flopping from anger, trying to guilt her and now love bombing. He’s out of her house and soon all of his furniture and personal effects will be gone.
For those that say Pithy is giving off mixed signals/ she should block him etc this is her life and not a soap and has to do what she feels is right and necessary.

Edited

It's important to point out mixed signals because it can be used to negate her stated boundaries. It's really important to be clear in communication and that goes to behavioural communication to. It needs to be congruent with verbal.

He's putting her through the wringer and consistent responses will serve her. That's why grey 🪨 NG is so effective. There's nothing to grab on to there.

She hasn't had one day's peace from him.

SpryCat · 13/04/2026 17:16

I think @outerspacepotato you need to change your name to ultimate Guru x

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/04/2026 17:18

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:59

Well, yes, there is definitely a part of me that feels for people who were deeply and irretrievably damaged as children. I am one and I know how it feels. My response to my own experience was to become convinced that only I could ever take care of myself. Then I met him and he made me feel safe for the first time ever and I was able to uncover and start to deal with all the childhood stuff, but hello PTSD. Then the chaos in the house became too much and he turned into something else, a person borderline contemptuous and indifferent, and here we are. Me again. One of my close mates pointed out that I needed him out to escape the chaos and heal my PTSD.

Show quote history

"Then I met him and he made me feel safe for the first time ever and I was able to uncover and start to deal with all the childhood stuff, but hello PTSD. Then the chaos in the house became too much and he turned into something else, a person borderline contemptuous and indifferent, and here we are. Me again."

I'm so sorry. What a painful loss this is for you 😥

I understand better now why you are hesitant to let him go, why you still dimly hope that you can salvage that safe relationship. It's really shitty that things turned out this way.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/04/2026 17:21

SpryCat · 13/04/2026 17:16

I think @outerspacepotato you need to change your name to ultimate Guru x

Agree. So many amazing insights from @outerspacepotato

StandingDeskDisco · 13/04/2026 17:27

outerspacepotato · 13/04/2026 17:08

Your boundaries with him are flexible and he's testing them.

Sorry, but what you're doing is called intermittent reinforcement and it's the strongest way to reinforce behaviour.

He shows up without calling or you inviting him, but you go out and talk to him. That just rewarded him with your attention.

He shows up unannounced again with your breakfast and you spend time with him. Again, you just rewarded him with your time and attention for crossing boundaries.

He wants to come and have sex with you tonight because that's his next big plan to get back in your house. You're going to have to text him to go to his home if he shows up. No face to face time.

It won't stop until you make him stop. No reward of your time when he just shows up. That's his consequence for crossing the boundary that he can't rock on up to your house as he pleases. You text him to go home. That's it.

Your actions aren't congruent with, that is, matching your words.

A man can't help you heal PTSD, especially a damaged one. He sure can make it worse.

This.
@PithyBeaker You don't want to be cruel. You want to be kind and reasonable and gentle and patient.
Partly because you like to see yourself as that nice type of person.
But sometimes you have to be "cruel" to be kind. This is one of those times.
There is a reason for that cliché 'cruel to be kind' - because it is actually KINDER to cut him off. Kinder because it is clearer, and his pain will be over all the sooner the less time this drags on.

I know it is only a few days so far, but you do need to stop seeing him.
Stop going out to the car to talk to him.
Stop talking to him altogether, apart from very short factual arrangements about his stuff.

SpryCat · 13/04/2026 17:27

I stand corrected @outerspacepotato he has been bombarding her even when she’s working and spending time with her son. He is even angling to come round for sex tonight.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:29

trumpisruin · 13/04/2026 17:01

This bloke is trying anything & everything. Pressing every button and pulling every lever that he can in the hope that something will get you to back down OP.
If you did back down he'd be your dream man... for just as long as it takes for him to dig himself in & be impossible to remove. Then he'll start controlling everything & punishing you for ejecting him.
That's what I think.

I think so too 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:33

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2026 16:56

If he doesn't great.

If he does. Well you need to be aware that's a big massive red klaxon going off.

Right now you don't know for sure which way he'll jump.

Show quote history

I do know actually. I am certain he will not come over tonight. Whether he turns up unannounced again is different.

OP posts: