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Original poster

Continuing an AIBU …

961 replies

PithyBeaker · 10/04/2026 19:22

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

OP posts:
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7
SeamsLegit · 13/04/2026 14:59

how did he take that OP?

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:01

GreenhampsterAndEggs · 13/04/2026 14:07

Hi, OP, glad to see you are managing.

He doesn't have to be a monster to treat you appallingly, and being lost and scared does not preclude him manipulating you intentionally. It may be his only modus operandi right now. In fact, the more lost and scared he becomes, the more he may start to lean on and fall back into old, nasty habits. And he HAS treated you terribly.

I'm glad your days are manageable, because daytime is when you work, meet friends, get things done! I would suggest that you allow yourself to feel as awful as you need to in the nighttime (preferably without too much alcoholic self-medication) so that all the awful things you remember having to put up with begin to sink in, to a subconscious level, so that you won't have to reach very far next time for ways to protect yourself.

I have a feeling that one of two things may happen in the next few weeks:

He will become "comfortable " with his new arrangement and "decide" that now that things are calmer for you, you will consider other options such as dating again ( he will tell you he's done a lot of thinking and working on himself). He may even offer (shock) apologies for some things he has said or done.

or

He will meet someone else and you will rarely ever hear from him again.

Living on his own in a small flat with three children and no time for his gaming is not what he wanted, so it is likely that he will broach these subjects again.

I think once you have a few weeks to yourself, however, you will be able to see through any manipulation techniques fairly easily! In your posts, I see how you are starting to really understand what your relationship has been like. You may reach genuine acceptance pretty quickly, but don't push yourself too fast. Feeling the pain is the only way to get through it in a way that makes it likely that you won't find yourself in this position again.

I hope your week goes well.

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”He may even offer (shock) apologies for some things he has said or done.”

he’s full of apologies today. I was an asshole, I was acting like my Dad, I’m sorry let me fix it etc

I do think you’re right though that if he meets someone else likely he will vanish in a puff of smoke, friendly and smile-y as anything, but glad to be shot. And you’re also right that he wants it fixed by Friday, keeps saying I could undo it all with a word.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:03

SeamsLegit · 13/04/2026 14:59

how did he take that OP?

How did he take what? Me getting angry that he just turned up? He apologised and said he would leave the food at the door and go. Me asking him to leave after ten mins? He left.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:04

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:03

How did he take what? Me getting angry that he just turned up? He apologised and said he would leave the food at the door and go. Me asking him to leave after ten mins? He left.

Show quote history

As I have said, he isn’t a monster.

OP posts:
LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/04/2026 15:04

outerspacepotato · 13/04/2026 14:45

He's had years to do that. He knew you weren't happy. His response was to stop doing things you liked, like bringing you your coffee. Now that he's out of the house, he's showing you he knew what you wanted and chose not to do things like cleaning up and having his kids show some respect among everything else. He's known all along. He didn't do those things because he thought there was no way you would kick him out. That's some serious disrespect. He did less and less knowing you were unhappy.

He's in a pattern of chaos. He recreates that growing up environment wherever he is and whoever he's with. He's also got some narcissistic traits. He's not going to change at this point. He doesn't deal with the chaos because it's what he knows. But he realizes his life is better when there's a woman there to deal with it. That's why he's desperate to get back in and he's spent little time single.

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"He's in a pattern of chaos. He recreates that growing up environment wherever he is and whoever he's with. He's also got some narcissistic traits. He's not going to change at this point. He doesn't deal with the chaos because it's what he knows. But he realizes his life is better when there's a woman there to deal with it. That's why he's desperate to get back in and he's spent little time single."

Yes, there's a dependency on women there, but also a sense of entitlement to female services, which he doesn't actually respect as work or effort.

What also really struck me in this thread was his arrogance - e.g. that he'll easily find another woman to pop in OP's place. And all the rude things he said. That's the real him. He dropped the mask. Now he's love bombing madly to get his feet under the table again. It's all so predictable.

SeamsLegit · 13/04/2026 15:06

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:03

How did he take what? Me getting angry that he just turned up? He apologised and said he would leave the food at the door and go. Me asking him to leave after ten mins? He left.

Show quote history

Sorry, I meant the bit where you asked him not to turn up unannounced again. Do you think he will listen? I agree with PP that he is desperate to get his feet back under the table by Friday. I'm following along and sending you hugs - you have been strong, good for you xx

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:08

Allowingthebreeze · 13/04/2026 14:22

You are being very strong. For some men this entitlement starts young. One of my daughter’s friends is like that - she was getting drinks for a number of people including him. He went into the pantry with her to have a nose about but left her to carry everything for everyone. Gave me the perfect opportunity to impress on her that some will value only their comfort, even when it’s with someone they supposedly deeply care about. So it is intentional. Or built in - or both. Or he would stopped already.

Oof this. Seen the same thing. It’s built-in. I’ve seen his family in action. So many children (his siblings, mostly boys) and father do nothing. Mother is expected to cook three meals a day for a dozen people, clean, etc. no dishwasher or dryer in the house. It’s extraordinary. I’m not exaggerating, I have never seen a more exhausted woman in my life. And that’s his model for family life.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:09

SeamsLegit · 13/04/2026 15:06

Sorry, I meant the bit where you asked him not to turn up unannounced again. Do you think he will listen? I agree with PP that he is desperate to get his feet back under the table by Friday. I'm following along and sending you hugs - you have been strong, good for you xx

Show quote history

He knows Friday is not happening. I don’t think he will come round unannounced again. But let’s see.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:10

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/04/2026 15:04

"He's in a pattern of chaos. He recreates that growing up environment wherever he is and whoever he's with. He's also got some narcissistic traits. He's not going to change at this point. He doesn't deal with the chaos because it's what he knows. But he realizes his life is better when there's a woman there to deal with it. That's why he's desperate to get back in and he's spent little time single."

Yes, there's a dependency on women there, but also a sense of entitlement to female services, which he doesn't actually respect as work or effort.

What also really struck me in this thread was his arrogance - e.g. that he'll easily find another woman to pop in OP's place. And all the rude things he said. That's the real him. He dropped the mask. Now he's love bombing madly to get his feet under the table again. It's all so predictable.

Show quote history

😔 you’re right, I know.

OP posts:
Tableforjoan · 13/04/2026 15:16

Saw Someone said about trying to get back in the hose before Friday and the children come.

I wonder what his time will be once the children are at his flat.

He is definitely pushing it. Turning up again this morning.

Liveshives · 13/04/2026 15:29

You are doing so well.
Three things you can absolutely bank on.

  1. He is desperate to undo this situation by friday.
  1. He knew 100% how unhappy you were and just how much he was using and abusing you all along, but just couldn't be arsed to behave like a decent person.
  1. Calling you a Cxxt is the real him. I know this can be hard to accept but anyone who is so comfortable calling you that until you threaten their housing, is at their core a low life who neither cares not respects you.

He wil hold this line until he knows for sure you will not bend.
Be prepared for more ugliness and ultimately relief that he is no longer your problem.

He was not a good role model around your child and as time went on, you would increasingly realise this and be cringing.

So pleased for you and your boy.

Glowingup · 13/04/2026 15:32

He just still doesn’t get it does he? He’s a real idiot. If he actually wanted you back he would agree to live separately and work on himself big time but he won’t entertain that. That shows that it’s all about the money no matter what he says. I have no sympathy whatsoever for this overpaid irresponsible twat who is in the top 2% of earners yet still can’t house the multiple children he chose to have when he was barely out of his teens. You will be so much happier without him.

Glowingup · 13/04/2026 15:35

Oh and “I would share with you if my company got bought out” means nothing whatsoever. First it’s a total hypothetical, just as I can tell my DP I’d share a lottery win with him. Total pie in the sky. Second, sharing a big windfall is entirely different to you having to share your home that you bought and paid for. Third, I bet he wouldn’t share it with you if it did happen.

trainedopossum · 13/04/2026 15:59

Whatever your ex wants with you, it’s not the same as what you want. Sometimes people grow apart, it happens. It’s not okay to keep poking at you and make you the one who is bad and wrong. He seems to be missing the point that you told him what you wanted, asked him to go for walks etc and he didn’t want those things.

If he needs someone to help him work through the end of this relationship, that person isn’t you. Don’t get sucked into helping him process it, he can talk to his friends or find a therapist.

Your threads have made me think about a long-ago relationship that I tried to improve but ended up breaking it off. (He was also not a monster but a bit of a fantasist, always assuming things would work out and overestimating his influence with others.)

He was so shocked and I said we’ve talked about this already, you knew I wasn’t happy. He said something like “Yes but I didn’t know you were serious!” 🧐😀 Some people will only prioritise you after threats and tantrums (if then) and who wants to be in that relationship??

Drpawpawspaw · 13/04/2026 16:01

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 13:52

He is currently making every promise to change up to and including getting rid of the PS, doing all laundry, cleaning etc, making sure his kids respect me and the house, going for walks, planning date nights, etc etc etc etc. acknowledges he’s been an asshole, was in a rut, turning into his Dad, been overbearing last few days etc. It all sounds wonderful but it’s just words. He could have done it before but didn’t. And I don’t want to live together all in one house again. I’m so tired. And I’m supposed to be working.

Show quote history

Saying it all now, you know it’s only because his easy life has been disrupted. He could have said and done all the right things instead of festering in a gaming chair…..but pulling his weight, not being an arsehole and arranging date nights didn’t seem necessary then.

Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:01

trainedopossum · 13/04/2026 15:59

Whatever your ex wants with you, it’s not the same as what you want. Sometimes people grow apart, it happens. It’s not okay to keep poking at you and make you the one who is bad and wrong. He seems to be missing the point that you told him what you wanted, asked him to go for walks etc and he didn’t want those things.

If he needs someone to help him work through the end of this relationship, that person isn’t you. Don’t get sucked into helping him process it, he can talk to his friends or find a therapist.

Your threads have made me think about a long-ago relationship that I tried to improve but ended up breaking it off. (He was also not a monster but a bit of a fantasist, always assuming things would work out and overestimating his influence with others.)

He was so shocked and I said we’ve talked about this already, you knew I wasn’t happy. He said something like “Yes but I didn’t know you were serious!” 🧐😀 Some people will only prioritise you after threats and tantrums (if then) and who wants to be in that relationship??

Oh boy does this resonate. Yes, he is a fantasist and thinks he is entitled to so much more and better than what he has.

OP posts:
Original poster
PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:02

Glowingup · 13/04/2026 15:32

He just still doesn’t get it does he? He’s a real idiot. If he actually wanted you back he would agree to live separately and work on himself big time but he won’t entertain that. That shows that it’s all about the money no matter what he says. I have no sympathy whatsoever for this overpaid irresponsible twat who is in the top 2% of earners yet still can’t house the multiple children he chose to have when he was barely out of his teens. You will be so much happier without him.

No he doesn’t get it. He just asked if he could come round this evening and “hold me”. I’m so tired. Why doesn’t he get it.

OP posts:
Drpawpawspaw · 13/04/2026 16:04

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:02

No he doesn’t get it. He just asked if he could come round this evening and “hold me”. I’m so tired. Why doesn’t he get it.

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🤢 ick. Why does he think him pawing you is likely to change your mind?

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2026 16:05

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:02

No he doesn’t get it. He just asked if he could come round this evening and “hold me”. I’m so tired. Why doesn’t he get it.

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Because people only hear what they want to hear. He doesn't want to hear what you are saying because if he does he will have to deal with it.

He has turned up uninvited twice now despite being asked not to. That is the threshold for it technically being harassment.

You need to keep this in mind precisely because he is not accepting no for an answer at this point.

Pasta4Dinner · 13/04/2026 16:05

I’m sure the reality of having 3 children in a one bed flat is kicking in now. A weekend visit is very different to a full week with school. He would be better leaving with their mum but I’m sure then that will cause issues.
Id make sure their beds are dismantled and ready to go. I think if everything is packed up it gives a clear message.

Hedgehogforshort · 13/04/2026 16:06

Sounds very much like he is working through every possible angle to worm his way back in.

maybe with AI assistance

must be playing havoc with his gaming schedule poor sod. 😁

Drpawpawspaw · 13/04/2026 16:07

And @PithyBeaker I’d most definitely put a stop to him turning up at your house when you have said no. Don’t answer the door next time. And don’t be drawn into long text exchanges with him. I’d be keeping the comms strictly to getting his stuff out the house asap and ignore any emotional guff. It’s only letting him think he can wheedle back in.

CheeriosOrFrosties · 13/04/2026 16:09

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 15:03

How did he take what? Me getting angry that he just turned up? He apologised and said he would leave the food at the door and go. Me asking him to leave after ten mins? He left.

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OP, I apologise in advance if this sounds harsh, but I'd advise you to be curious about the part of you that may be continuing to enable his behaviour. For example, he turns up unannounced. You say you are angry, but you don't immediately turn him away. He says he will leave the food at the door, but you allow him to stay for 10 mins. Some needs are being met in you by continuing the contact with him - do you know what they are?

What do you want the outcome of this situation to be? If he agreed to a relationship without cohabiting, would you still want that?

Liveshives · 13/04/2026 16:12

Tempting to say you wouldn't dream of taking him away from his gaming!

He really doesn't sound that bright, or that he really knows you at all.

To think that a bit of pawing you will somehow bring you around.

Ick.

Glowingup · 13/04/2026 16:14

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:02

No he doesn’t get it. He just asked if he could come round this evening and “hold me”. I’m so tired. Why doesn’t he get it.

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Grim. It’s bordering on harassment now I think. As soon as his furniture is gone I’d get a ring doorbell to screen visitors and I’d block him on everything.