Page 37 | Continuing an AIBU …

PithyBeaker · 2026-04-10T18:22:28+00:00

Just continuing a thread I started a few days ago in AIBU for support as I figure out next steps ending my cohabitation.

Anonomoso · 13/04/2026 17:35

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:22

I know he really wants to avoid having to tell his X and deal w fallout w kids. Once Friday passes I think he will back off bc the worst for him will be over.

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I too wondered what will happen come Saturday morning once his DC find out they've woken up in a one bed flat instead of your 4 bed house and realisation hits that it'll be him that has to clear up with their mess and chaos in such a small space.

Hopefully he won't allow, or encourage them to contact you whining about how much they miss being with you and seeing your DS.
That would be scraping the bottom of the barrel

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:37

AcrossthePond55 · 13/04/2026 16:44

I'm not so sure. I don't think him having his DC starting Friday will change things. If anything, it may make him worse.

Before I begin my 'lecture', I want to say that I do respect your right to handle this as you choose. BUT (isn't there always a but when people say that?) I agree w/PPs that he isn't getting your message. And I think it is because you keep allowing him to step over your boundaries. You tell him not to come over unannounced and he continues to do so. Why? Because you're allowing him to step over that boundary.

I understand that he's not a 'monster' and you're trying to be compassionate to his upbringing, but part of what he needs to do is to learn that he isn't entitled to walk over other people to get what he wants. You sticking to your boundaries is a way of showing him that. So, if you want to change your thinking to make it more favorable to your 'peace', think that you'd be doing him a favour by refusing to engage with him if he just shows up. And by having someone 'on the lookout' on Friday and who will refuse him and his DC entry before they reach the door if they do show up. Not you. It needs to be someone else.

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Oh for heaven sake! He isn’t going to show up with the kids here. Come on, that is not how this is going at all. He is a better dad than that. Honestly.

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:39

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 13/04/2026 16:45

"a long-ago relationship that I tried to improve but ended up breaking it off. (He was also not a monster but a bit of a fantasist, always assuming things would work out and overestimating his influence with others.)
He was so shocked and I said we’ve talked about this already, you knew I wasn’t happy. He said something like “Yes but I didn’t know you were serious!” 🧐😀 Some people will only prioritise you after threats and tantrums (if then) and who wants to be in that relationship??"

I think this is particularly prevalent among men, and it reflects a fundamental sexist and disrespectful view of women - ie that women are always moaning, nagging, and emotional. They deal with it by ignoring their wife or tuning her out or pretending to listen while making soothing noises, in the hope that she'll eventually shut up. So these guys are ALWAYS "blindsided" when their wife - who has tried for years to be listened to - leaves. It's so common that divorce lawyers have a term for it: Walk Away Wife.

This pattern also requires a socialised male laziness and complacency towards relationships. A PP above mentioned how her H basically thought that once he'd "got the girl", that was it, he didn't have to work at the relationship anymore. I think this thinking is also extremely common among men, including in otherwise decent men. And on listening to women talking about dating, it's also obviously still very prevalent in the younger generations: the guys perform what they think Women (we're seen as a homogeneous mass) want, they put on this charming and manipulative mask, but once they've tricked their way into their target's bed, affections, and trust, they can relax and "be themselves", much to the bafflement and hurt of the woman.

i think both of these things - disrespect for women and relational laziness - were operating in your ex, OP, and both led directly to this rupture. These are very deeply rooted and heavily reinforced patriarchal attitudes, it takes a lot of active learning and effort and self-control to change them. I don't get the feeling that he's anywhere near that, because what's happening now is him plastering on his charming mask again and launching a new campaign to trick his way back into your life (and house).

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You are so so right. All of this.

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WildLeader · 13/04/2026 17:40

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 13:52

He is currently making every promise to change up to and including getting rid of the PS, doing all laundry, cleaning etc, making sure his kids respect me and the house, going for walks, planning date nights, etc etc etc etc. acknowledges he’s been an asshole, was in a rut, turning into his Dad, been overbearing last few days etc. It all sounds wonderful but it’s just words. He could have done it before but didn’t. And I don’t want to live together all in one house again. I’m so tired. And I’m supposed to be working.

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So he knew ALL the issues you were having and did NOTHING

Mhh

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:41

SpryCat · 13/04/2026 16:49

I think @PithyBeaker is coping really well with his flip flopping from anger, trying to guilt her and now love bombing. He’s out of her house and soon all of his furniture and personal effects will be gone.
For those that say Pithy is giving off mixed signals/ she should block him etc this is her life and not a soap and has to do what she feels is right and necessary.

Edited

Not. A. Soap. 🫶💯👏👏👏 let’s all keep in mind that there are actual humans and actual children involved in this situation and he and I have both expressed wishes to be amicable. This isn’t going the way of police calls, for goodness sake. If that is what you are waiting for, please go find another thread.

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:42

AmandaHoldensLips · 13/04/2026 16:56

The sooner you can get the rest of his stuff out the better. The last thing you need is him turning up with his kids on the pretext of needing something that's still in your house.

I agree and like I said I am ordering a van.

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:44

outerspacepotato · 13/04/2026 17:08

Your boundaries with him are flexible and he's testing them.

Sorry, but what you're doing is called intermittent reinforcement and it's the strongest way to reinforce behaviour.

He shows up without calling or you inviting him, but you go out and talk to him. That just rewarded him with your attention.

He shows up unannounced again with your breakfast and you spend time with him. Again, you just rewarded him with your time and attention for crossing boundaries.

He wants to come and have sex with you tonight because that's his next big plan to get back in your house. You're going to have to text him to go to his home if he shows up. No face to face time.

It won't stop until you make him stop. No reward of your time when he just shows up. That's his consequence for crossing the boundary that he can't rock on up to your house as he pleases. You text him to go home. That's it.

Your actions aren't congruent with, that is, matching your words.

A man can't help you heal PTSD, especially a damaged one. He sure can make it worse.

Agree he made PTSD worse. Do not agree I am reinforcing him. I am not budging an inch on the only thing he cares about which is moving back in.

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Anonomoso · 13/04/2026 17:44

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 16:48

I know. I don’t want my son thinking that’s how you treat women. Wish he was getting to see it being done right but I guess maybe that ship has sailed in this lifetime.

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No necessarily to late.
You're a good mother and that alone will show him how to treat people.

Also the one thing he will see over the coming months is his mother starting to relax in her own home, see a weight lifted off of her shoulders and not be expected to pick up after his DC, no chaos and mess everywhere.

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:45

SpryCat · 13/04/2026 17:09

I think once his belongings are gone from your house and after your son’s birthday with the fear of him and DC hijacking it have faded you will find it easier to not read his messages and not respond when he turns up unannounced.

Hard. Agree.

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:46

WinterSunglasses · 13/04/2026 17:11

You might already have done or be doing this OP but proper therapy to talk it through is important. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Agree with not letting him in or seeing him face to face again. His fixation on getting you to keep giving him some leeway is worrying.

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Yes have had therapy. As mentioned, therapist loved him thought he was brilliant and told me I needed to compromise.

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:48

Anonomoso · 13/04/2026 17:44

No necessarily to late.
You're a good mother and that alone will show him how to treat people.

Also the one thing he will see over the coming months is his mother starting to relax in her own home, see a weight lifted off of her shoulders and not be expected to pick up after his DC, no chaos and mess everywhere.

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Thank you for this lovely lovely lovely comment. ❤️

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:50

WildLeader · 13/04/2026 17:40

So he knew ALL the issues you were having and did NOTHING

Mhh

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Well, not nothing… he did scrub the toilet every once in a blue moon. 😐

On another note, think this thread may fill up soon but here’s another… as this is likely to continue for a bit at least. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5516532-continuing-aibu-thread-3

Continuing AIBU thread 3 | Mumsnet

More of the same, and thanks for your support

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5516532-continuing-aibu-thread-3

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SpainToday · 13/04/2026 17:51

He could have done it before but didn’t. And I don’t want to live together all in one house again.

But even if he DID change, you don’t want to live with all those children again - does he understand this?

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:53

BettyBooBoobs · 13/04/2026 16:48

@PithyBeakeryou have shown great restraint with him just dropping round, but from where I’m standing, it feels like he is using your kindness to try and wear you down. Lots of apologies, but he just can’t see how his behaviour is not appropriate. It’s the same song, sung in a different key.

He is working on how he can get what he wants out your relationship rather than showing you the respect you deserve. A respectful person would give you your space, not keep messaging you and dropping by. Buying you breakfast now is an obvious attempt to “buy” you back.

Hold strong! Each time he gets a response from you, he sees it as a positive reinforcement for his shameless attempt to change your mind. He will persist until you make it absolutely clear that you will not engage with him about anything other than moving his things out.

Absolutely one hundred thousand per cent this:

“He is working on how he can get what he wants out your relationship rather than showing you the respect you deserve.”

and it takes way more than an egg sando and a smoothie.

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:53

SpainToday · 13/04/2026 17:51

He could have done it before but didn’t. And I don’t want to live together all in one house again.

But even if he DID change, you don’t want to live with all those children again - does he understand this?

Yep. Have said it over and over and over again.

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WinterSunglasses · 13/04/2026 17:54

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:46

Yes have had therapy. As mentioned, therapist loved him thought he was brilliant and told me I needed to compromise.

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🙄 finding a good therapist is pot luck half the time. If someone can recommend one in your area that might help. I had an idea you might posted about this earlier but couldn't be sure. But for the record, I think good therapy can be life changing and I think you deserve both a chance to process what's happened with this guy (we're good, especially @outerspacepotato , but we're only on a screen 😁) and also a chance to talk through your early and other life experiences that are not about this guy.

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:55

Anonomoso · 13/04/2026 17:35

I too wondered what will happen come Saturday morning once his DC find out they've woken up in a one bed flat instead of your 4 bed house and realisation hits that it'll be him that has to clear up with their mess and chaos in such a small space.

Hopefully he won't allow, or encourage them to contact you whining about how much they miss being with you and seeing your DS.
That would be scraping the bottom of the barrel

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If my DC gets so much as one crying call from his kids, I will block him.

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:56

WinterSunglasses · 13/04/2026 17:54

🙄 finding a good therapist is pot luck half the time. If someone can recommend one in your area that might help. I had an idea you might posted about this earlier but couldn't be sure. But for the record, I think good therapy can be life changing and I think you deserve both a chance to process what's happened with this guy (we're good, especially @outerspacepotato , but we're only on a screen 😁) and also a chance to talk through your early and other life experiences that are not about this guy.

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Yes, I’ll get on it. It’s on the priority list and not far down from the top.

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Holdinguphalfthesky · 13/04/2026 17:57

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:46

Yes have had therapy. As mentioned, therapist loved him thought he was brilliant and told me I needed to compromise.

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Some therapists seem to like to play God and they cause more trouble than they’re worth. The best therapist I had was a trauma specialist and she used compassionate inquiry. Trauma Therapy Manchester. They’ve a list of recommended therapists if you would like to follow it up later, when you have the head space.

eta they work online as well as in person

GreenhampsterAndEggs · 13/04/2026 17:58

OP, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this again. He has lurched back to denial, because Friday is approaching, and he hasn't even told his ex yet because he thinks he can change your mind between now and Friday.

You need time and space to figure out what you want. Him reappearing again and again is preventing you from having that time and space. Whether or not he realizes what he is doing, the result is DELIBERATE.

He is NOT thinking about you (singular) at all.
He is not even thinking about you (plural, as a couple).
He. is. thinking. about. himself. only.

He needs to sort this out by Friday. You do not. This is not your problem to solve.

Your problem to solve is "how do I feel, and what do I want?" You will NEVER be able to figure this out in a week, but you won't figure this out in 10 years, if you don't ever have the space and time to deal with this.

Now that he is in denial again, this is forcing you back into denial: about who he really is, what you really want, how you want to live. The man you have seen at his worst is who he is. A good man does not call his partner the foul things he has called you. A good man pulls his weight, contributes, compromises, and listens. He is none of these things, he has done none of these things.

You don't want to be cruel. Saying no is not cruel. Keeping firm boundaries is not cruel. He's not a toddler, he will manage, but you need to be firm and consistent, as though he were a toddler.
He's not hearing you, and he doesn't want to hear you.

Please read back through your posts. You have not been lying to yourself. We who have responded to what you have told us have not been lying to you.

You are in pain, grieving, confused, and very, very tired. All of this is NORMAL. But you want to feel good again, so you're grasping at anything that does that. Sitting outside your house with him for 10 minutes makes the pain go away for a little while. A breather for you, time to pretend that he might have changed. Sitting outside your house for 10 minutes with you makes HIM think you are going to give in.

He will not change. The reasons you ended the relationship are still there. The same reasons.

If you want time and space to put your life back together, you need him to go and leave you alone.

Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:58

Holdinguphalfthesky · 13/04/2026 17:57

Some therapists seem to like to play God and they cause more trouble than they’re worth. The best therapist I had was a trauma specialist and she used compassionate inquiry. Trauma Therapy Manchester. They’ve a list of recommended therapists if you would like to follow it up later, when you have the head space.

eta they work online as well as in person

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I’m nowhere near Manchester but maybe they can do remote. Thank you for this.

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:59

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 17:50

Well, not nothing… he did scrub the toilet every once in a blue moon. 😐

On another note, think this thread may fill up soon but here’s another… as this is likely to continue for a bit at least. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5516532-continuing-aibu-thread-3

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Also just a reminder in case this thread fills up I’ll be here

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Original poster

PithyBeaker · 13/04/2026 18:01