Has anyone regretting leaving the ‘nice’ guy

[DancingInTheDark44]

Married for over 10 years with teenage children. He is the nicest man but has changed completely from when we first met. We have different interests, he spends his weekends at football and I do my thing,
we sleep in different rooms, has no physical touch. Basically it’s like we’re house mates. He would be happy to plod along but I think I’m wasting my life. I’m not happy, even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. I feel like he deserves someone who could love him so much more than I can. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying as I know it will hurt him when I tell him.

Will I regret it, will I wish I’d done it years ago or do I just carry on to make everyone else happy

That's exactly what I was thinking.

OP, depressed or not he minimised and dismissed your concerns and what makes you happy. How's that nice of him? What's he doing next weekend to make you happy? Football again?

Ask him, does he want to rebuild your relationship or is he not interested?

This reminds me again of the saying 'men find their slippers, women find their wings'. It doesn't have to be in a negative way, and splitting up doesn't have to be acrimonious, just that often couples grow apart and that's totally normal - I know men are supposed to be the ones who have the mid life crises but it seems like more often women are the ones who crave more to their lives, and are now able to do something about it, but men like to stay where they are. If you can't grow with someone then it's got to be ok to draw a line under it.

What did you say to him?

I think splitting up should be the absolute last resort, there are some harrowing dating stories on the Relationships board

It's hard to tell when we don't know how she approached the conversation.

Did she ask him if he would work on the marriage or did she say she wanted to leave and he said she was depressed?
Maybe she just said she was unhappy and hoped he would be the one to suggest divorce, some people do that, they hope their partner will 'set them free' when their partner probably won't because they want to stay together and if you want to end a relationship you normally have to do it yourself.

A lot more info needed here I think.

That's a bad sign. He doesn't think there's anything wrong - but that you are defective. What will he do to help you overcome this "depression"? Will he put any effort to make things better? Or does he expect you to pop some pills and get on with it and stop complaining?
You can't save a relationship alone. I tried for many years.

"I do love him but I don’t feel the same way as I did."
Well, the way you love your OH changes over time, that is natural enough. The all-consuming early stage of love and lust doesn't endure if you share a bathroom.

Did he have any suggestions to help or did he just say get to the drs? A relationship needs effort on both sides and that can be difficult when you are bringing up kids but even if you were depressed the lack of effort/intimacy/togetherness in your relationship means it would still be at risk. I stayed with my ex until my youngest hit 18, probably 10 years after I knew the marriage was over. Do I wish I'd have left much earlier yes in a way, but am I glad the kids had a stable home through their childhood? Also yes. No point in regretting anything. I am now remarried and very happy but I definitely wouldnt have wanted to do the blended family thing with teenage stepchildren! 🥰

How many relationships did you have prior? In other words, do you have a good understanding of how rubbish most relationships are and that the grass isn’t greener?

If you’re crying at the thought of leaving him, surely it’s worth reconnecting (date nights, weekends together, really talking, back in the same bed and some sex) ?

Or have you actually always known he’s not the one? I think we know from early on, deep down, really. If that’s the case it may be better to leave.

What are you wanting next - a happy life alone? A relationship with more passion? Or another sexless relationship? (that will also fail, like as not. Sex is the glue, it’s important.)

I think it’s worth thinking about some of these things before taking the plunge xx

Well done on that. There’s no reason at all to stay in an unhappy relationship when only the two people in it will be affected by the breakup. Breaking up a family is entirely different and a whole heap more of a deal - and you stay connected to your former partner as parents in any case until the children are grown.

I left a nice guy and didn’t regret it. I should have left sooner. I was judged for it though.

He met someone else fairly quickly and remarried and was happier. I did the same. Everyone won in the end.

I think you are depressed because your life has become depressing. Sorry if I’ve missed it but you haven’t said why you sleep separately. Whose suggestion was this? I wonder if your husband is as blameless as you think, perhaps he’s not a saint? Does he actually withhold affection? I have known couples who live in sexless marriages and in all of them one person was cheating because their needs were not being met. Whether you stay or go there must be a conversation first. He has to understand it’s not because you’re depressed it’s WHY you’re depressed.

That's not at all helpful of him. Working at a relationship is essential and if he's not prepared to do that, of course it's going to feel rubbish. Whether your depressed or not is irrelevant to a certain extent - the relationship isn't working for you either way.
Couples therapy sounds like a good idea. Have you come across alain de bottom?.he talks a lot of sense about relationships (he's written a book called the course of love) which might help you and your husband.
It's totally reasonable to expect him to make an effort in the relationship and for you to want more than your current situation is giving you. Good luck!

Hi OP

Relationships don't survive on fresh air, you do have to work at them. Your DH needs to realise this.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing your own things in a marriage. My husband has his own pursuits like cricket and football. I've never let our marriage slide due to it and he hasn't either. Some married couples I know sleep in seperate bedrooms as it works for them , would you like to sleep in the same room?

Love changes over time. It becomes more settled and deeper. Its not wrong to feel you need something more from your life but is a divorce from your DH the answer?

Even settled marriages need a bit of spice every now and again and somebody else said it, if its not happening in your bedroom, it may happen in somebody else's unless a sexless and loveless marriage is agreed on and makes each party happy!

I think a fair bit needs to be answered honestly from both sides. If he wont engage with you in a conversation then maybe you do have your answer.

How old are you op? Is there any chance it could be Perimenopause? I had very similar feelings to you over a year ago and have since started HRT and feel like a new woman, even down to actually wanting sex again. We still have rough patches but it’s different now in how I handle and feel about it.

Yes absolutely. 6 years on I’m still single and he’s still with the woman he met soon after we separated. It was a menopausal effect - something he recognised but I didn’t.

Thanks for every single reply I have read them all and really appreciate it.

i feel as thought I’m having some kind of mental break down, I just don’t know what to do or where to turn to. Husband has said he’s ope to talk and change but I don’t know if that’s what I want. I
feel like it’s gone too far now and I need some tome
on my own but I have nowhere to go. He’s being extra nice now and it’s making me feel awful

hey @DancingInTheDark44i think definitely try some relationship counseling there was once a desire and a love you had for this man relationship are tough why don’t you give it at last push to resolve by the end of the year to fix it. A relationship without sex is just a friendship make time for each other you never know it might work and surprise you 🙏🏻🧡

Hi OP. Sorry you’re having such a rough time. If you have no pre-existing MH conditions or history of depression, it’s quite possible, as PPs have said, that all this is symptomatic of perimenopause.

It can fuck up your body, brain, mood, sleep, happiness, memory and mental stability like nothing else. It can also induce or exacerbate feelings of anxiety and hopelessness, including existential fears that you’ve somehow missed out on life or love - that you’ve wasted all your time and opportunities for happiness, which can lead to overwhelming sadness and despair. It can make impulsive or risky decisions feel reasonable - because if not now, when? And it can definitely make you feel completely unmoored and like you’re losing your mind (ask me how I know …).

I’m certainly not trying to medicalise what might be a perfectly natural response to feeling trapped in a dull, sexless marriage, and separation still may be the best way forward for you. But if you’re genuinely not feeling in your right mind, I’d suggest it’s well worth talking to your GP before making any life-altering decisions.

You sound depressed. I think it’s normal once kids hit teenage years. Why not get some hobbies and some therapy? Seems like you are overthinking things and blowing up your life for no reason. Does he still love you? Find you attractive? Would you react differently if he was more tactile? Couples therapy like RELATE can 100% help.

How old are you? You sound just like I did when I hit Peri menopause, it really is worth investigating, HRT sorted me out. I felt awful for a few months, anti depressants didn't help.

Im in my mid 40’s. H has said he will willing to change and since we spoke has made changes but I can’t shift this horrible feeling of just not wanting to be here anymore. I feel awful for thinking like this. He would be heartbroken if I ended it. I’m going to have to stay aren’t I. I can’t do this to him especially when he has said he will change.

I think pursuing counselling or other support for yourself would be a good idea. You don't sound very well.

But you need to change too. It’s not all on him.

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. For what it's worth, it sounds like there's a lot more going on for you than just your relationship. My advice, for what it's worth, would be to not make any big decisions while you feel so lost.

Make an appointment with your GP or nurse practitioner - ask if there's anyone at your practice that is particularly good with perimenopause, and book an appointment with them. So many women I know have had a really tough time with their mental health as hormones change, and a few have made some big, difficult decisions that can't be reversed easily, only to realise the problem wasn't what they thought it was.

I'm not saying it isn't the case, it could well be that your relationship has run its course, but it could also be that there are other things going on which are making you feel so low.

It's worth checking things out, just in case. And keep talking on here - it can be very lonely when you feel the way you do, but please know, you're not on your own.