Has anyone regretting leaving the ‘nice’ guy

[DancingInTheDark44]

Married for over 10 years with teenage children. He is the nicest man but has changed completely from when we first met. We have different interests, he spends his weekends at football and I do my thing,
we sleep in different rooms, has no physical touch. Basically it’s like we’re house mates. He would be happy to plod along but I think I’m wasting my life. I’m not happy, even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. I feel like he deserves someone who could love him so much more than I can. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying as I know it will hurt him when I tell him.

Will I regret it, will I wish I’d done it years ago or do I just carry on to make everyone else happy

Sometimes relationships just run their course and that's ok. It doesn't have to be a big dramatic ending, sometimes it just reaches a natural end. If you feel that's the case and you would be happier out of the marriage that's valid. It's possible to feel regret about the end of it even if it's the right thing.

However if there's a possibility you are depressed or your dissatisfaction is primarily about something else, then deal with that first.

Her children are teens, so why can't she go out?

Yes I did.
It was hard and I felt like a villain.
But im si much happier now. I feel alive.
Im dating again and having a lovely time doing that. Feeling desired and interesting.
I see my friends and am more engaged with all my hobbies.
I honestly feel like I came back to life.
It seems selfish but you only get one life.
You cant throw it away on being miserable and bored.
Marriages go through rough patches sure.. but if you e grown apart so much that its just constant sexual rejection and having sport and time with his mates prioritised over spending any meaningful time with you.. just call it a day.
Yeah it will be hard initially. But you've got the rest of your life to live. Dont waste it

Surely thats more to do with having an inadequate co parent than just leaving?
I left my husband and ive actually ended up with more free time and a higher quality of life in general.
Because we have them 50/50 and hes a good dad.
When i was with him I had to do tonnes more 24/7. Now I only have the children half the time and I also dont cook and clean for him ever.. so my workload has massively decreased

He’s not that nice if he doesn’t want to have sex with you. Or is the feeling mutual? In which case if you’ve withheld sex from the good guy what is it exactly you want?

No, he had a foot fetish and his mum was a fucking cu-character…

He’s a good person, and I hope he finds someone who’s weird and has beautiful feet - but that ain’t me. I look back on our relationship and think I did gain some things (I’m more confident about my feet now, always thought they were minging before him). We learned together, grew together, then split and I met my now husband two days later. He is probably one of the nicest people I’ve ever met but the truth is I’m not that nice myself and we were incompatible. I have never regretted leaving for one minute. I do regret that we got engaged- I should never had said yes in the first place because I had doubts but there was pressure as we were in public.

“DancingInTheDark44 · Yesterday 19:26
So I’ve tried to talk to him And he thinks im
depressed.”

So what did you say when he said that to you? Does he appreciate there is a difference between unhappiness and depression? It sounds like you have good reason to be unhappy with the relationship because you have lost all emotional and sexual intimacy with your husband. For me, emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy are the glue of my marriage. It is particularly the sexual intimacy which distinguishes my relationship with DH from my relationship with others. That’s what’s missing from your marriage.

It seems to be quite common for women to be really sad as a relationship is failing and men to be gobsmacked and extremely distressed when the relationship ends, by which time the woman has already moved on. This is because the man doesn’t properly realise how bad things are becoming. Does your husband realise that you’re thinking in terms of ending the marriage if things don’t improve?

Someones libido or sexual desire has nothing to do with how nice they are.

@kkloo

It does in my world. If my husband didn’t want sex with me, to me, he’s not that nice. Men withhold sex for allsorts of reasons. Women too.

You can work on libido issues if you truly value your marriage. No one’s powerless.

I have been there, we started sleeping separately because of health/work related issues. We were both (not really aware) that we were depressed and skint so no money for date nights, holidays etc. Each felt unseen and put on by the other, however, we had no genuine quarrel-we just felt like flat mates (very common for long term couples) and the way I personally processed that was to cut myself off emotionally from him, after much conversation we agreed to separate and was looking at moving etc, signed up to tinder and was asked on a date and I had a sudden realisation that cancelled.

The main reason being that they don't want to have sex, which again has nothing to do with how nice they are.

Personally I value sex too much to ever want someone to do it when they didn't want to, 'to be nice'. That would ruin it for me and disgust me tbh, I would only enjoy a mutually enjoyable and fulfilling sex life.

Agree with @Fleetheart here, im a single mum myself post an abusive relationship. It's bloody tough and i am lucky with family around me plus a good job. Id never leave a decent man unless id tried very hard to make it all work

My ex husband is a nice guy.

I left him because I was pretty much in the same boat. Then I cheated on him. The cheating was something I didn't rush into either.

I didn't tell him I cheated, he didn't need to know that but in my defence, I had at least told him I wanted to break up before the cheating started.

I remember someone describing people who cheat as wondering around a party with an empty glass (well for me it would be an empty mug as I don't drink alcohol). Someone comes along one day and fills it up.

You are unfulfilled. Either change that or leave because otherwise someone will tempt you one day.

What I'd suggest is marriage counselling. You do not have to approach it intending to stay together. It can be for one of two reasons (and you don't even have to be sure which you want before you start). It could be to stay together or it could be to part amicably. We did that, we'd started the process before it irrevocably broke down and it helped get a lot of frustrations out in the open. We even ended up living together for a year after we broke up because our house didn't sell quickly, amicably. I would still call him a friend now.

You cannot be confident that will be the outcome for you but at least by giving counselling a try you prove to yourself and him if there is really something worth saving or not and you also prove you've given it a try if you do split up. For us, it just got a lot of pain out and done.

Don't leave things as they are OP though, it might end up way worse.

A nice guy is far more likely to be an effective coparent. There's no reason why she needs to become a 24/7 single mother.

I got married very young ( under 20 ) to my first bf . He was safe but boring . Would do anything for me , did housework including ironing without me asking , was very chivalrous opening car doors , bought me flowers and other presents not on my birthday etc .
But whilst I matured , got ambition with regard to jobs , further learning , seeing the world , having life experiences , he did not and at times he felt like an extra child to the ones we had . I couldn't imagine myself being happy once the dc had left home .
Fast forward a few years , we are divorced , we both have new partners and I don't see him anymore but every now and again I wonder what my life would be like now if we'd stayed together . The dc are now adults and living their own lives and my partner is the exact opposite when it comes to personality and general regard to housework and

regard to random gift buying and he is more nethandral than Mr nice guy .

Could it be peri menopause? A good man is hard to find and I would explore every option before separating.

I left my ex (for very, very good reasons) but I can recall clearly the grief I felt over the lack of a shared history. No-one else shared dancing to 80s music (in the actual 80s), or the delight of my grandparents when we got engaged, or the borth of our children. I had to leave but it didn't lessen the loss or sadness.

I can also remember the bewilderment and disruption for my dc. Yes they ARE better off now that we're not together, but don't minimise the impact.

So if there are things you can do together to repair and recover, please try.

By way of contrast, I am now with a very lovely person. He is nice by way of being decent, loyal, financially sound, shares domestic workload equally, respects me (whatever small disagreements we might have between us, he never speaks about them with others), we have the same values and principles (politics, religion, life goals)... There have been periods (after 20 years together) when I've felt that things are less than exciting, and have wondered... Sometimes very seriously.

But we have put in the effort, worked on things and I am very glad we did. We are looking towards a companionable, friendly old age together. It's not perfect, but we keep on trying. Trying to find humour in the things that go wrong. Trying to find small ways to show that we listen to each other. Trying to be kind and supportive.

@kkloo

Well, obviously. If two people genuinely meet and have a fulfilling sex life it is possible to reignite libido with some effort. If not the marriage is over. Some people withdraw as a power move also. So yeah, when someone claims their guy is the nice guy but yet they don’t have sex a part of me thinks they’re possible withholding as a power move.

Either way, the nice guy rhetoric doesn’t really hold. The relationships over and someone’s kidding themselves labelling the other party as nice.

I wonder if it's worth trying some therapy to see if you can work through it. You are married and have children so splitting up is a much bigger thing than it would have been 10 years ago, and most marriages go through dry patches when it comes to intimacy. It might still be worth fighting for.

How did the separate rooms start?
I wouldn’t be surprised if you were abit depressed, you sound like spend a lot of time alone/apart and are literally two people sharing a house rather then people who want to be together.
Does he not think it’s odd at all?!

Not sure how you can say 'either way the nice guy rhetoric doesn't hold'.

There would be a small chance he's 'withholding' as a power move, which would mean he's not a nice guy.
There's a much higher chance that he's not doing anything so insidious, so the nice guy rhetoric does hold there seeing as being nice is not related to libido.

Just on the flip side of the advice to stay, I also know women who have left the nice guy and are much happier, who have either carved out great lives as single parents (Inc as single mums, especially if you do 50/50 which he sounds like he might well want) and who have met partners who are better suited for them. I don't think there is a simple, one-size-fits-all answer here, it depends on you as a person and your individual circumstances, as well as how important you feel it is to have a relationship. Personally, I'm a single mum without any other partner involved, and I'd take that over a flat relationship any day, but I appreciate not everyone feels like that.

I also don't think that dismissing your feelings as depression is particularly nice though. Is he willing to go to counselling? I do agree it would be good for you to try, even if it doesn't work, at least then you'll know you gave it your best shot.

Yes. It seemed the right decision at the time, but I've basically been single since we broke up over 20 years ago and have mainly dated total arseholes in that period. If I'd known that was my future I might have tried harder to make it work with the nice guy.

Being very direct please do some counseling alone. The world isn’t filled with “kind” people and you may be happier leaving him but you may be worse. It’s a risk. Only you can decide if it’s a risk you want to take. You keep saying he deserves someone who will love him more….sounds like you have some guilt? What is that guilt? Did you stray? Did you marry him out of obligation? I think you need to be honest with yourself. If there is a chance it can work, pls make it work. It’s a very lonely world out there. If you are miserable then do what you think is right. Marriage does have years where it’s not great and it does get better if you put in the work. Good luck

I've left 2 of them. No regrets at all. Still good friends with both. In fact one is coming over to mine for dinner tonight with his partner, me and my partner. 🤣 you only get one life. Don't live it unhappy.