Has anyone regretting leaving the ‘nice’ guy

[DancingInTheDark44]

Married for over 10 years with teenage children. He is the nicest man but has changed completely from when we first met. We have different interests, he spends his weekends at football and I do my thing,
we sleep in different rooms, has no physical touch. Basically it’s like we’re house mates. He would be happy to plod along but I think I’m wasting my life. I’m not happy, even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. I feel like he deserves someone who could love him so much more than I can. I don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying as I know it will hurt him when I tell him.

Will I regret it, will I wish I’d done it years ago or do I just carry on to make everyone else happy

I definitely get what you mean, but I imagine with your friend's ex remarrying, he is probably intimate with his new wife but he wasn't with your friend. So the problem was the quality of relationship, not the quality of the man.

But if op can work on this relationship I do agree that would be better

All I would say is it’s bloody hard work being a single Mum. I left my DP because he was an alcoholic. Afterwards I remember thinking that if the relationship was just so so and there were no other problems I would never recommend leaving while you have kids to bring up. Basically you’re much less free, have much less money, much more work and responsibility. And you can’t go out as you’re tied to them. So personally I would leave it a bit.

I left a nice guy and this is exactly what he said, I did the whole doctor thing and they thought it could have been depression and offered me ADs. None of my freinds thought I was depressed, just unhappy. I didn't go down that road and did end up leaving him.

Am I a lot happier single? Not necessarily. Am I a lot more at peace single? Absolutely! I'll get to happy one day

Try to stay and work on it, communication is really important here.

I am in the process of leaving the 'bad guy'.
He has physically, emotionally and financially abused me, I stayed for the sake of our two babies and have given so many chances to 'fix him' and hope he gets better until now he has threatened me and given me an ultimatum which I can no longer accept

I wish that I had. We were in a similar position to you. I stayed for a multitude of reasons, from “staying together for the kids”, “I made vows”, “where would I go?”, “don’t want to hurt him”. We limped along for a few more years, until HE decided that this just wasn’t enough for him, he had an affair, and left. I should have gone years earlier. I’ll always regret that.

Could you give yourself a mental time line to try and improve things and then if it doesn’t help look at separating? Is he open to trying? X

Op tbf I have only read your first post cause about to go out but my first thought was well leave him & find yourself a rotter & see how you feel then. Sometimes you don't always miss what you've got until its gone 🤔 You both need to communicate more & be honest with each other before making such a life altering decision

I've lost count of how many women (and some men) have been crying about how their new partner is useless/has cheated on them and why can't they just meet a nice person.
It is sometimes hard to bite my tongue, especially with "Ben" who is crying about the whole dating scene, and how he wishes he had someone who cared about his kid, when he had a lovely girlfriend, who just was too "boring" for him.

How old are you, could it be (peri) menopause, I went through a period like you are, really lost interest, couldn't care less if he was there or not, then I went on HRT and started to feel like me again and a lot happier in myself and realised I had a good thing going even if it wasn't all fireworks etc.

Honestly, this was me a few years ago. I'd had previous wobbles but worked through them and convinced myself that what we had was enough. We'd been together a long, long time and had a child, and there's no doubt that over the years, he'd stopped seeing or valuing me.

I asked myself a few questions
If you could change something about him, what would it be?
If you could change something about the relationship, what would it be?
How do you want to feel when you're with him?
Think about a holiday in a year's time with him - how do you feel?
Picture a really happy memory with him, how does that make you feel?

For me, I realised I was beyond wanting something to change, I'd mentally checked out and it wasn't fair to stay. While I kept painting him as a lovely guy, actually he wasn't a great husband and once I started to see things clearer, I couldn't not see them and I couldn't stay.

It was a hideous time, but I did leave - the bravest and most selfish thing I've ever done - and it took a LONG time for me to come to terms with it. We'd been together 17 years and being without him was a huge adjustment. I hadn't realised how different we now were and how we wanted very different things out of life.

We have co-parented our son who is now in his 20s and I'm fond of exDH. It was bloody hard initially, but we've gone on to have amazing lives apart - we've both been married to our partners for a long time. I went on to launch a business and have more children, and he's gone down a different path, and we are both so much happier.

Dig deep and ask yourself the big questions - you might be bored or feeling restless, or hormones are at play, or lots of other things. Or, it could have run its course, and you've just realised before he has. Either way, treat yourself kindly - you don't have to be a villain for wanting something different.

Pre-children, I'd always encourage people to chase happiness – life is short. Post-children (at least when the children are under 21ish), I'd always encourage people to do absolutely everything they can to save the relationship before jumping ship. Divorce damages children, no matter how well it's handled. In some circumstances (abuse of any kind, affairs, addiction issues etc) that damage is justified, but it doesn't sound like that's the case yet. I assume you haven't had relationship counselling?

Well it's a possibility if your marriage has changed to friendship & that isn't what you want.

Or is he saying that everything is fine & you are misreading due to being depressed?

How did you end up in separate rooms & why has it become permanent?

Men tend to move on very quickly and often with someone from the acquaintance circle. A woman usually has the children most of the time and won't move on so quickly.

Have you read I Love You but I’m Not In Love With You by Andrew Marshall? Will give you some insight. Many couple end up like this. Honestly I suspect you’re done and should just grab the thorn, but do read the book first.

Why do people do easily throw things away
If he's a good man fight to keep the relationship
Add some spice
Rather than doing your own thing do stuff together
Sneek in to his room

Marriages are ment to be for life not for convince

What do you want instead of the “nice guy” you’ve got? A cliched “bad boy” who will treat you like shit? A different nice guy?

wonder if he's thinking the same, happy to plod a long with a nice woman, dont want to upset her and kids.

Bet there are loads of couples out there in your scenario, were its fine, but if there were no kids you'd no longer be together (through no ones fault).

Is this really worth pressing the self destruct button on your children's lives over this? Do they have to suffer the trauma of a divorce because of your minor marriage problems?

Ignore all the nonsense about how 'you deserve to happy' or 'you deserve a good sex life'. That's not how life works. There's no magic karma system that decides who deserves what. Don't your kids deserve to have parents that at least try to make things work?

You both need to work on your marriage. It doesn't sound like there's anything fundamentally wrong with it. You're married with kids. It's tiring and you never, ever get a day off from being a parent. You've got no real privacy or time alone together with your husband. Of course your sex life is going to get a bit crap.

What about that situation is going to change with divorce?

Yes this. I left a nasty guy, no regrets. Make plans but make sure you can survive financially. Single at 55 with 2 expensive teenagers is hard ,but, so fantastic having the freedom to be truly alone.
Nil sex until you die, are you sure? I recommend counselling alone, I did it, if was incredible.
Don't depriveyourself of that better choice.

Have you tried marriage counselling ?

Without knowing you, I did wonder if the comments you have made about him deserving better (low self worth) along with the tearfulness etc might be related to depression. That doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to feel some closeness in your marriage though. You have mentioned not feeling the same as you used to. I think it may be a bit unreasonable to expect to feel the same in your relationship after so long. It is natural that you will have both changed along with your circumstances. As other posters have said, you both need to make effort to find common ground and to prioritise your relationship and life together, otherwise the marriage really is over

Honestly if there’s no particular reason to leave right now I’d stick it out for a bit longer until the kids are grown.

Clarify what you’d want afterwards — new relationship? dating but not serious? no more men? And are you looking for a totally new start in a different part of the country with new hobbies etc or basically carry on the same life but without him in the house?

You say he’s a nice guy, from what you’ve said he also just sounds distant and checked out and passive. That would (did) infuriate me. He’s not doing anything wrong, exactly, but he’s not doing anything right either. No effort or thought, no initiative, just plodding through life. Am I right? I remember with my ex having a feeling like if I stay in this relationship every day will be basically the same until I die. Not that I’m a particularly interesting person either, to be fair, but the inertia was painful. It was impossible to have a proper conversation about it because he would say apparently sympathetic things but fundamentally didn’t want to deal with anything difficult or make any changes so it was all very defensive, lots of deflection. Urgh. No regrets leaving but crucially we didn’t have children, so very different.

I have been through this. With my husband for 15 years and we felt like house mates on and off for years. In my 20s I thought it didn’t matter if the relationship lacked the hand holding and cuddling on the sofa I really wanted … I thought as he was a nice guy, had a decent job, worked hard, didn’t lie or cheat, that would be enough.
as the kids got older we really did become two people running a house / managing kids. Housemates. No matter how often I bought up needing affection (it wasn’t even sex it was cuddles, hand holding, kisses goodnight that didn’t feel like a chore) it didn’t ever improve long term. I felt unloved and I was worried the kids would see this relationship as ‘normal’ and end up with the same.
so eventually I left. It was hard. It was horrible. Sometimes I felt crazy leaving stability for a lack of had holding. I also remember people telling me I may never meet anyone else. I might not find my version of what love should be …. I decided I’d rather be alone than unhappy in a relationship … I still stick by that choice ….
i however was very lucky to meet someone new. We’re 5 years in and I get goosebumps when I think of him. He gives me all the affection I craved for years. For me, he is perfect.
and the kids (who were 9 and 12 when we split) are so happy. They tell me they’re glad I went for happiness and they want a similar love for themselves.
it wasn’t easy to leave. You sound in a similar place to me .. have a good think and whatever you decide good luck

I feel like he deserves someone who could love him so much more than I can.

From the detail provided it sounds like he might be perfectly content as he is.
You say you sleep in different rooms and there's no physical touch, was it you who stopped being intimate and wanted different rooms? or was it him? or was it mutual?

I’m going through a similar problem in my marriage where it’s make or break time and I really needed to hear this. Thank you