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Original poster

Ex’s routine is disrupting our child’s sleep

165 replies

swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:31

Am I being unreasonable here?

My ex and I split childcare and take turns having our DC overnight. We’re still living in the same house while it’s being sold, but in separate bedrooms.

The issue is on the nights DC is with their dad, he sticks to his routine of getting up early to go to the gym (around 4 times a week).

When he does this, he brings DC in with me before he leaves. The problem is it’s really starting to mess with their sleep. They wake when they’re moved, and then that’s it, they’re up way too early and absolutely exhausted for the rest of the day.

Today DC was moaning for over an hour and a half for their dad until he got back.

I don’t want to be difficult, and I get that he has his routine, but I’m starting to feel like if he wants to be up and out that early, then maybe DC shouldn’t be staying with him on those nights?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to put my foot down on this, or is that fair enough?

OP posts:
Candleabra · 09/04/2026 08:34

How old are the kids? Is your house enormous? Why do they need to be brought into you, can’t they just stay in their own rooms?

That said, YANBU to be annoyed that your ex swans off to the gym on “his days”. Is there a timeframe for moving to different houses?

Original poster
swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:37

DC is 3, and we co sleep. House is up for sale!

OP posts:
Roads · 09/04/2026 08:38

Is your child sleeping in the same room as the parent whose turn it is?

Surely he needs to stop going to the gym on these days, what's he going to do when you live in separate houses?

FoxLoxInSox · 09/04/2026 08:42

If your DC had their own bedroom they’d be able to sleep through the night, have consistency of where they sleep, and everyone could work to their own routines.

I get that many parents like to co-sleep and say it’s best for the child, but in this case I can’t see how never having a consistent place to sleep for more than one night at a time can be doing your DC any psychological favours whatsoever, besides which they’re becoming sleep deprived.

Original poster
swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:44

@FoxLoxInSoxI get that but co sleeping works for us so that won’t be changing

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 09/04/2026 08:44

Honestly, it’s pretty unsettling all round for a 3 year old to have both their parents living in the same house but pretending they don’t. Both you and your STBX need to sort this out for your child’s sake!
it would be far better for one of you to move out so that your child can start to understand that mummy and daddy don’t live together, but in the meantime, if your STBX goes to the gym early, then he needs to go when your child in with you for fairness. The easiest way to do this is have a conversation the night before - ‘are you intending to go to the gym in the morning? If so, DC will sleep with me tonight’. Why, though, can your DC not just stay in the bed they are asleep in? Why does he have to be brought into your bed?

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2026 08:45

swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:44

@FoxLoxInSoxI get that but co sleeping works for us so that won’t be changing

But it isn’t working for your child’s sake though.

Catcatcatcatcat · 09/04/2026 08:45

But it isn’t working for you now is it?

herbalteabag · 09/04/2026 08:46

Why doesn't he just leave your DC where he is when he gets up early if they are asleep? I don't think there is any need at all to move him. Co sleeping doesn't have to mean he can't be alone at all.

Roads · 09/04/2026 08:46

swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:44

@FoxLoxInSoxI get that but co sleeping works for us so that won’t be changing

It's not working for your son though and realistically his routine will change when you're in separate houses so having his own room and bed in each house seems a sensible move to ensure continuity.

mindutopia · 09/04/2026 08:48

Well, surely, it’s his overnight. What’s he going to do when he lives separately? He can’t get up at 5am and go to the gym when he has a baby to look after. His nights are his nights, until he takes baby to nursery or whatever in the morning. He goes to the gym on your nights. Welcome to parenting!

IkeaPoang · 09/04/2026 08:50

herbalteabag · 09/04/2026 08:46

Why doesn't he just leave your DC where he is when he gets up early if they are asleep? I don't think there is any need at all to move him. Co sleeping doesn't have to mean he can't be alone at all.

Edited

This! You are just in the room next door right? So will be able to listen out for DC if he wakes up.

NoisyMonster678 · 09/04/2026 08:50

Your ex is being selfish.

Your child is only 3, and yes YADNBU a change of plans is needed here, pretty quickly to be honest.

BlueWallsareCool · 09/04/2026 08:54

It is obvious he is starting as he means to go on. That is, putting his own wants before his child's needs. It seems you are doing the same. Neither of you are prioritising your child.
. If you intend to co-sleep indefinitely you will have to plan shared parenting on that basis, prioritising your child's sleep. Are you both on board with co-sleeping? If so, ex will have to stop the gym on his time.
How are you going to manage work? School?

MyFAFOera · 09/04/2026 08:56

swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:44

@FoxLoxInSoxI get that but co sleeping works for us so that won’t be changing

Okay so you'll have to suck up the early start then.

Being so rigid is not going to serve you well as a parent in years to come when you are so blinded by sticking to a particular method/ideology that you can't see it's not actually best for your child.

Original poster
swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:59

Soontobe60 · 09/04/2026 08:44

Honestly, it’s pretty unsettling all round for a 3 year old to have both their parents living in the same house but pretending they don’t. Both you and your STBX need to sort this out for your child’s sake!
it would be far better for one of you to move out so that your child can start to understand that mummy and daddy don’t live together, but in the meantime, if your STBX goes to the gym early, then he needs to go when your child in with you for fairness. The easiest way to do this is have a conversation the night before - ‘are you intending to go to the gym in the morning? If so, DC will sleep with me tonight’. Why, though, can your DC not just stay in the bed they are asleep in? Why does he have to be brought into your bed?

The house is up for sale but neither of us can afford to pay the mortgage and rent elsewhere, so we are doing what we can but moving out prior to sale is not an option!

OP posts:
Mumski45 · 09/04/2026 09:00

swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:44

@FoxLoxInSoxI get that but co sleeping works for us so that won’t be changing

This isn’t true as your OP describes a situation that is ‘not working’. This sounds like a stubborn attitude towards making the changes which are needed to benefit your DC which may involve the end of co-sleeping so that he/she gets a good night sleep.

Original poster
swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 09:03

Child is in own bed until early hours when they become unsettled, we then co sleep. The only time it doesn’t work is when my ex gets up early and wakes them. I’m not asking for advice on whether co sleeping works, I get lots of people are against it but for us and our culture it is what we do, and how we are brought up.

OP posts:
Roads · 09/04/2026 09:06

swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 09:03

Child is in own bed until early hours when they become unsettled, we then co sleep. The only time it doesn’t work is when my ex gets up early and wakes them. I’m not asking for advice on whether co sleeping works, I get lots of people are against it but for us and our culture it is what we do, and how we are brought up.

It's nothing to do with being against co sleeping though. If your child sleeps in their own bed for most of the night then they obviously don't need to sleep with you. Getting them to sleep in their own bed all night would stop all this nonsense about whose turn it was and him waking up early plus it will provide consistency for your son which he will need with the impending house move.

Catcatcatcatcat · 09/04/2026 09:06

Well you can’t stop STBXH from going to the gym early so you either stop the co sleeping, or carry on as you are.

Original poster
swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 09:11

Catcatcatcatcat · 09/04/2026 09:06

Well you can’t stop STBXH from going to the gym early so you either stop the co sleeping, or carry on as you are.

I didn’t say I wanted to stop him, just that I think it should be my nights with DC when he wants to get up early

OP posts:
Meridas · 09/04/2026 09:11

Do you both stay in bed til DC wakes on a normal morning, can neither of you not leave him to sleep if you wake before him? Co-sleeping only works when all 3 of you are happy with the situation and it sounds like your Ex isn't fully on board.

Separately, have you discussed routines snd access once you are separately housed? What will be least disruptive for your child (week about, 3 nights etc)? What does Ex plan to do regarding gym etc then? Is he taking advantage of you being in the house now while he can, or trying to set a precedent for the future?

Have you agreed 50/50 care or is he hoping for less access hoping you'll pick up the slack while he lives a non-DC life?

BlueWallsareCool · 09/04/2026 09:14

I think you need to start from what is best for our child. How does separation and divorce work in your culture? I ask because I see on here all the time that couples who start off wanting 50:50 parenting frequently realise that it is really not the best for the child, particularly when one or both parents want to continue their routine that doesn't include parenting their child. Like getting up early to go to the gym every day.
How is your ex going to manage that when you each have your own place? Leave child alone? Bring child to your place? Pay a sitter? Decide he doesn't want 50:50 because it interferes with going to the gym?

BadSkiingMum · 09/04/2026 09:14

He could leave them where they are but put on bed guards and take away any excess pillows or bedding before he leaves? Baby monitor so that you hear them wake up, depending on the layout of your house? You just need a safe temporary solution for a temporary situation.

Shittyyear2025 · 09/04/2026 09:14

swanlake02 · 09/04/2026 08:44

@FoxLoxInSoxI get that but co sleeping works for us so that won’t be changing

Except it's now not working...

He's going to have to stop the early morning gym sessions (which he won't) or you're going to have to transition away from co-sleeping (which you won't).

So, you need to decide which is ACTUALLY best for your DC. A couple of rough weeks where they transition to their own bed so they're not disturbed by him going to the gym, or ongoing disruption?

Can't DC stay in bed by themself once dad goes out?

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