Ex’s routine is disrupting our child’s sleep

[swanlake02]

Am I being unreasonable here?

My ex and I split childcare and take turns having our DC overnight. We’re still living in the same house while it’s being sold, but in separate bedrooms.

The issue is on the nights DC is with their dad, he sticks to his routine of getting up early to go to the gym (around 4 times a week).

When he does this, he brings DC in with me before he leaves. The problem is it’s really starting to mess with their sleep. They wake when they’re moved, and then that’s it, they’re up way too early and absolutely exhausted for the rest of the day.

Today DC was moaning for over an hour and a half for their dad until he got back.

I don’t want to be difficult, and I get that he has his routine, but I’m starting to feel like if he wants to be up and out that early, then maybe DC shouldn’t be staying with him on those nights?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to put my foot down on this, or is that fair enough?

Well cosleeping isn’t this. It’s not a child crying in the night until one or another parent comes to get him and then ending up in one or another bed until whenever. If it was working, the child would be sleeping and you could leave them sleeping when you get up early. Yes obviously he should get used to not going to the gym in the middle of the night, but the setup is still problematic without it. No wonder the poor kid is confused and unsettled.

Why does he need to be moved when he goes to the gym? Can’t he just say in the bed he’s been sleeping in? If the house is really big and you think you won’t hear him if he needs you why not get a monitor that can be switched on when he leaves for gym?

Why isn’t the child just sleeping in their own room? I get that they co sleep with you on your nights, so do they co sleep with dad on his nights?
Regardless this isn’t acceptable. If you were living separately he wouldn’t just be swanning off to the gym and leaving his child alone. He needs to start acting like you are living and parenting separately, not using you as childcare.

So the child doesn’t co-sleep, just goes into someone when they wake up at night and stays there … how does he know who’s “night” it is?!? The whole situation sounds ridiculous … put him in his own bed for the entire night and be done with it … this ISN’T working!!!

@swanlake02

For now the best option would be to put a bigger bed in your child’s room - then when they wake up and want to co-sleep whichever adult is ‘on duty’ gets into bed with them there. The DH can simply get up quietly and go to the gym leaving them in bed asleep in their own room.

But you are going to have to have a conversation with DH about this because when you split your households, how is he going to manage the gym visits. He might want to start working on a different routine now.

So my first thought was why isn’t DC in their own bed and room, but I can see that you say you co sleep and it works for you.

in that case, why does your ex have to bring DC into you when he leaves? Why doesn’t he just sneak out the door and leave DC asleep in his bed? Your child is 3 years old so I can’t see why this should be an issue.

And also when your ex moves, he isn’t going to be able to gym to the gym at that time anymore and leave his child so he needs to stop doing it now and relying on you.

But it’s obviously not working at the moment or there wouldn’t be a need for this post.

@swanlake02, why can't your child stay in your ex-husband's bed until they wake up and come over to you independently for the co-sleeping portion of the night?

Alternatively, as you're keen on co-sleeping, why not do it for the whole night and have them go to sleep in your bed to begin with?

Co sleeping is great, not disputing that. But this current arrangement your ex has is annoying and it makes little sense.

Either you get a full single/small double and join DC in their bed, or ex leaves DC asleep in their bed, gets dressed elsewhere and discusses with DC before hand that if they wake and are alone that they can go and see you. He won't be able to do this when he lives alone so I don't see why he's doing this to you now.

Causing sleep deprivation is known to be a form of abuse. He is also being controlling in removing your child free time.
One of my dc has always had very wonky sleep , and at 3, if I wasn’t there when she woke she would be extremely dysregulated, so I get that it might not be as simple as leaving the child to wake up and come and find you.
I hope that you find a buyer asap and can move into your own space.

Can the child stay in the bed once he’s gone? Or do they wake when he gets up anyway? We co-sleep here, so I get it. They like the cuddles, patting back to sleep etc… But, do they have to be moved at all?

It does seem like ex is being a twat. As PPs have pointed out, he won't be able to behave like this when he and OP live apart.

If I was OP I would be 'organising' a girls night out with a sleep over next time it's ExDH's turn, then he can't go to his twatting gym. Even if it was just spending a night at a friends/parents/Travelodge it would make the point.

There wouldn't be a need for this post if OP's ex wasn't fucking off to the gym at 5 am when it's his overnight.

But it not working! Not for the child, there miserable all day.

Even if everyone agreed with you, you've already asked him and he's said he's going to keep doing it. You're divorcing so you don't have any emotional cache anymore, that's divorce, he thinks it's reasonable so it doesn't matter what you think about his habits.
Personally, I'd leave child alone in dad's empty bed till normal waking time. This will need discussion when you both live separately though.... You haven't seemed to grasp things will change e.g. Co sleeping isn't working the way it used to, because you're splitting and you also can't just ask your ex to change or do something your way anymore, because you're splitting. It's a big change and I think you need to expect that it'll impact other parts of life (sleeping, childcare, exercise habits, hobbies, finances etc).

No it doesn't. If your child wasn't co sleeping there'd be no issue here.

Well it obviously doesn't work for you now. Why doent Dad just leave the DC asleep on his bed and creep out quietly to dress in the bathroom?

Co sleeping is t the issue

the issue is that in his time he is using the OP as childcare which isn’t right - doesn’t matter where he sleeps if he is out at the gym 5-7 an the child wakes at 6 (no matter how or where they sleep) it is not on the OP to sort

Why don’t you go to the child instead of him bringing the child to you?

you mean it works for you on your days.

your child is unsettled by it.

It’s incredibly mean to not be preparing your child for the future you know is coming.

you have split up & are going to be living in different houses, how longs the child going to cry for dad then.

children in their own rooms & stop being so selfish. On ‘dad’s days’ he can’t get up & go to the gym or will he be leaving them alone when he has his own house

So what? The child co sleeps with the mum one night and the dad the next? I have never heard of such a stupid routine. Why don't you both stop being so selfish and do what is best for your child.

Not sure why you're giving out to the OP. Her ex won't be able to fuck off to the gym at 5 am when they're living apart and the DC is in his care, irrespective of whether or not it's still a co-sleeping situation.

Dont the children sleep in their own room and own beds?
Just leave them in bed fast asleep when he goes to the gym.
I feel we haven't got the full story here as this seems a bit strange 🤔

This winds me up so much. Men never change their routine for their children! What will he do when you have separate homes? He won’t be able to go to the gym 4 times a week while you watch your child that’s what! Hopefully the sale goes through soon and he can see just how much women have to sacrifice. I don’t know any women going to the gym 4 times a week without sorting childcare or fitting it in around the kids. My OH goes in our garage most nights after work and it’s so unfair that I should solo parent for hours and hours. If you say anything then they accuse you of being controlling and they are miserable. I’m not surprised your relationship has ended. If I went in the kids would be ringing me because their Dad is borderline ignoring them 😡

Op. Start getting up and going for a run every morning he is planing to do this at 4am. Would put a stop to it!!

but do the child a favour and settle them in their own bed every night fgs