Ex’s routine is disrupting our child’s sleep

[swanlake02]

Am I being unreasonable here?

My ex and I split childcare and take turns having our DC overnight. We’re still living in the same house while it’s being sold, but in separate bedrooms.

The issue is on the nights DC is with their dad, he sticks to his routine of getting up early to go to the gym (around 4 times a week).

When he does this, he brings DC in with me before he leaves. The problem is it’s really starting to mess with their sleep. They wake when they’re moved, and then that’s it, they’re up way too early and absolutely exhausted for the rest of the day.

Today DC was moaning for over an hour and a half for their dad until he got back.

I don’t want to be difficult, and I get that he has his routine, but I’m starting to feel like if he wants to be up and out that early, then maybe DC shouldn’t be staying with him on those nights?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to put my foot down on this, or is that fair enough?

Tell your STBX this... or have you already done so?

I see your already spoke to him about it. If he refuses, you can't do anything, if your insist on the morning cosleeping.

Doesn't work.

Please look at what you've written.

Surely you just do the overnights when he haa the gym, so 4 overnights and he does the remaining 3?

Put a lock on your bedroom door after having a conversation that he needs to get used to looking after the kids on his days and not to disturb you. Or get up and leave the house early on those days. He needs to realise you are not available. Otherwise you’re going to have to carry on as you are until the house is sold @swanlake02

At three the child will sleep all night in their own room.
Try it and reclaim your own night's sleep.

@swanlake02 you haven’t answered , why can’t your child stay in Dad’s bed when he goes to the gym?

The co sleeping is a red herring- OPs STBXH has to recognise he is on duty until 8am or 9am or whenever. The hours from 4am onwards he has to assume OP is not available for childcare so he has to take care of the child as though she did not exist.

She did answer that.

This is what our 2yo does and I often get up before her to start work. It's a bit different as sometimes dh is still in bed too but if she's still sleeping when we both get up, we leave her but leave the door open so we can hear her and she will call for us when she wakes up.

It's a short term thing but perhaps he could get a baby monitor set up in his room so you can hear when your child is stirring and at least go and open the door for them to come out (if your ex wants his own space, although I guess if hes bringing them to you in the mornings then hes not doing the same for you). Obviously you'd only use the monitor when your ex goes out to keep an eye on them so he can give you the monitor when he goes?
Either that or helping your child to understand where you are and where dad is in case they wake up alone and then they can come and find either of you when they wake up naturally?

That said, I do feel like this is a "start as you mean to go on" situation and your ex needs to think about what he's going to do in this situation when he has his own place. My dh struggles a bit with this concept and has the attitude of "well if you're there I'll take advantage of that and will go in the bathroom for an hour+ on my childcare days" but obviously on days that I'm not there, he adapts.

It sounds like a shit situation but not forever. Fingers crossed for a fast sale

Just because you were brought up to do something, that does not mean it is the right thing to do, or that it works for everyone in all circumstances.

Exactly the poor child is exhausted so things must change

Just to say OP that I feel for you. It’s hard divorcing, it’s very hard being stuck in the house with an ex, it’s extremely hard when the other parent won’t pull their weight or be reasonable, and it’s exasperating when some people want to make that the woman’s fault.

I would be tempted to make whatever the agreement is going to be going forward about early morning childcare in written form, just in case things get uglier. So you can prove he hasn’t actually been doing 50% of overnights to a third party if it should ever come to that. you can set it out as wanting to get a routine in place that will work when you move into different properties with as little disruption for the child as possible, and hammer out who is responsible for DC for exactly which hours of each day. Then I’d also ideally make sure there’s a WhatsApp or similar if he wants childcare from you during his time, or a log and ideally a photo each time it happens. Miserable way of operating, but some men make it prudent to do so.

Also on a practical note is there room to get some weights or an exercise bike in the house so he can exercise like a responsible parent?

But it isn't working though, because on the days your husband has DC, their sleep is being disturbed. Either put DC in their own room or stop your husband having them overnight.

You both need to think hiw it will work when you are divorced, have your own homes and he has overnights.
He might not want to co sleep, or have the child in bed with him early in the morning, you can't insist on that, so then what?

what are you talking about? If you are still living in the same house why are the children not in their own bedrooms?

Why can’t the child just stay asleep in the adult bed? Why does he have to be brought through? He’s 3 and will be fine.

You have said the co sleeping isn’t going to stop - I think you are being unreasonable on that as clearly that is not working for your children and they will get a much better nights sleep in their own room. However if you are insistent then you will have to put a lock on your door and tell him that you are not there for all intents and purposes. Which will be super distressing for your children. Grow up. Get them in their own bedrooms. Your situation is weird enough as it is with them going between your bedrooms

But it doesn’t work for you, does it? Not anymore. Maybe it’s time to review that if the ex won’t change his routine. Not really sure what he thinks he’s going to do when the house is sold. You’re also in the same house so what’s the problem with leaving the child in bed for a couple of hours? Honestly, I think you’re both making this much harder than it has to be.

The inflexibility is ruining your child's sleep just leave sleeping child where they are.

What is weird is expecting a 3 year old to know whose bedroom to go into every other night for comfort. And it isn’t co sleeping as they start the night off in their own room. What’s weird is this entire arrangement of pretending they don’t live in the same house when they do. Way to absolutely wreck a three year olds mind

It’s obviously not working for you or certainly your child. So you don’t ‘get’ anything.

the solution here is to support your child into their own room so they have a safe and consistent place to sleep whilst you two play silly beggars.

Why you think it’s ok to deprive a child of sleep is beyond me.

Or if you really think cosleeping is best, just keep the child with you.

I am half wondering if this is a joke?

Why doesnt he not go to the gym on the days when he’s meant to be in charge of the child? And get it up and get it ready for the day to handover to the other parent.

But she can insist that he isn’t left alone in the house whilst daddy goes off to the gym that’s why he’s doing it
Brings him into her so that she’s responsible for the little one

Your child needs their own room.
This is disruptive and a bit insane that you’re moving them around in one house. It’s the fact that you won’t make any changes on this that is disruptive! It’s very obviously in your child’s best interests to have their own room and sleep in it. X