Ex’s routine is disrupting our child’s sleep

[swanlake02]

Am I being unreasonable here?

My ex and I split childcare and take turns having our DC overnight. We’re still living in the same house while it’s being sold, but in separate bedrooms.

The issue is on the nights DC is with their dad, he sticks to his routine of getting up early to go to the gym (around 4 times a week).

When he does this, he brings DC in with me before he leaves. The problem is it’s really starting to mess with their sleep. They wake when they’re moved, and then that’s it, they’re up way too early and absolutely exhausted for the rest of the day.

Today DC was moaning for over an hour and a half for their dad until he got back.

I don’t want to be difficult, and I get that he has his routine, but I’m starting to feel like if he wants to be up and out that early, then maybe DC shouldn’t be staying with him on those nights?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to put my foot down on this, or is that fair enough?

Regardless of where the child sleeps, which is odd.

He shouldn’t be going to the gym on his days, end of.

Just tell your ex that on the nights where s/he is responsible for childcare overnight, thry can't go to the gym at 5 am. If the plan is to do 50/50, it starts now.

Obviously you’re not being unreasonable. Ex either lets you have that night or doesn’t go to the gym. When you live in different houses, the gym routine will have to end anyway.

Whats the plan for custody? Because swapping every night won’t work then either. Much better to agree your nights now.

If you’re doing 50/50 couldn’t you agree a handover time (not in the early hours of the morning). That way it replicates how it will work when you live separately. So, for example, handover is at 9am, so someone does nursery drop off, then the other is responsible that day for all early pick ups for illness, nursery collection, dinner time, bedtime and breakfast the next day

Why can't he leave the child in bed asleep?! Assuming the child knows where you sleep, they will come to you when they wake up. This is what would normally happen with a 3 year old asleep in their own bed in their own room. They come into your room when they wake and start bouncing on your head. This thread doesn't need to descend into a tirade against co-sleeping but your child will not be traumatised if they wake up on their own at this age.

I think this man sounds like the type of ex who intends to leave all the child care to the child's mother. He clearly sees his gym going as his first priority and any detrimental affect on his child is not his problem. Op is the default parent.

Obviously its not working for your child. Its YOU it works for.

It really isn’t working for the child with the way your ex is handling it though!

He sounds passive aggressive, he is waking the whole house up to be at the gym for 5 a.m

Why can’t your child just stay in the bed when your ex gets up and goes ? You’re in the same house, you’ll hear him when he wakes, presuming you have stairs gates etc so I don’t see the issue ?

But your whole thread is about it not working. Could you possibly try your exhausted child in their own room to see how it goes or why can't they just stay in dad's room when he goes to the gym?

This is a very confusing setup and you need to rethink everything. I think you need to talk about what it will look like when you have separate homes and start doing that now. Every other day won’t be an option so what will it be? Can you rent a tiny studio for the person not doing childcare and just take turns living there? Your child will be so confused right now and the exhaustion is just going to make it so much worse.

It's not working though, is it? If your child slept in their own bedroom then there would be none of this. They would sleep until getting up time.

Well, is there anywhere you can go for a night once in a while? So at least once he has to parent until dc wakes up and starts the day. Ex will have to complete the whole overnight and morning routine himself with no mummy appliance to hand over to.

Anyway, now you know something about exh. You will need a parenting agreement and it will need to be rock solid. Specify times of pickup and drop off. Specify school holidays. Specify birthday, Christmas, Easter, Mothers Day arrangements. Make sure dc’s passport resides with you and that you do not need permission for holidays overseas on your time. Get and give a solid two week block once a year. Make your details precise. Do not leave anything vague. If you want to have first refusal for babysitting, say so. Make sure you get the chance to say “I can’t this time”.

Use this time before separation to think it through, make notes. Do not discuss it with exh. It’s for you to raise when the time comes. Because right now, he is showing he thinks parenting is something he can pick up and put down whenever it suits him.

Just be aware and prepared that you can have the best parenting plan in the world but if exh simply doesn’t turn up to collect dc on your time, you can’t make him.

Another one wondering how a 3 year old knows whether to go to Mum or Dad's room when they wake in the night?

What you mean is it works for YOU… but it probably isn’t doing anything for your child. Surely having a bedtime routine..i.e. going to sleep in the same bed in the same bedroom in the same house is the best way to encourage good sleep?

What’s with the weird anti co- sleeping agenda? He’s three and coming in at some point of the night for comfort and security. The obvious thing is for dad to stop going to gym every second morning rather than rejecting a child’s need for proximity. What next - send him off to boarding school age 4 to avoid all this needing parents nonsense?

OP - ignore the anti co-sleeping brigade, but I would think about how your partner is planning to go ahead with this. Would you be happy for your son to come into you every night? It’s not fair, but if dad can’t prioritise son’s needs it might work? Or else you get up early those mornings and take some time for yourself so dad has to stay in the house?

YANBU, my husband is the same and if he continues like this he’ll be an ex one day

It's not an anti co sleeping agenda. Co sleeping works great for lots of children and families but it's clearly not working here. The set up sounds incredibly disfunctional for the child and it's more important to put his needs first than continuing to co sleep because it's culturally what is expected.

That's not co sleeping. That's bringing a child into your bed when they wake in the night. It would be better (at 3 years old) to help him learn to resettle himself in his own bed), but you're not interested in doing that.

What's EX going to do about the gym when you do live in separate houses?

Why is he taking him into his bed now. Is it a CMS thing? To gain 50/50 when living separately?

I imagine the child just cries or shouts until one of them comes to get him. Much better for his sleep if they taught him to self settle.

But you’re suggesting the child needs to change his sleep patterns rather than dad change his gym schedule? How dysfunctional is that? That we centre adults desire and dismiss child needs?

NEWSFLASH - it's not working because the man isn't doing it!! He's going to the gym when it's his turn.

Exactly - school wouldn’t work if I didn’t bring my children there every day, my kids wouldn’t eat healthy meals if I didn’t cook the food! It’s a bizarre take on the situation

This sounds like a couple of people who are just not putting their child's needs first at all. You haven't thought through this whole separation scenario, how you are going to co-parent effectively, how you are going to ensure your child is going to get enough sleep - so important at this age.
You both sound rather immature and self absorbed.