Ex’s routine is disrupting our child’s sleep

[swanlake02]

Am I being unreasonable here?

My ex and I split childcare and take turns having our DC overnight. We’re still living in the same house while it’s being sold, but in separate bedrooms.

The issue is on the nights DC is with their dad, he sticks to his routine of getting up early to go to the gym (around 4 times a week).

When he does this, he brings DC in with me before he leaves. The problem is it’s really starting to mess with their sleep. They wake when they’re moved, and then that’s it, they’re up way too early and absolutely exhausted for the rest of the day.

Today DC was moaning for over an hour and a half for their dad until he got back.

I don’t want to be difficult, and I get that he has his routine, but I’m starting to feel like if he wants to be up and out that early, then maybe DC shouldn’t be staying with him on those nights?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to put my foot down on this, or is that fair enough?

Your existing parenting time is his parenting time. I would put a lock on my bedroom door and tell him that on his nights DC is his responsibility and he's not to bring them into your bed. He can do the gym when you are parenting. At the moment you get disrupted sleep on your nights and his nights.

Have a conversation now about how you’ll both manage to stay fit and healthy when you separate. Not having time to go to the gym would drive me crazy.

Poor child. For their own sake, they need to settle in their own bed. And your ex shouldn’t be passing off the little one to you in order to facilitate his gym visits. His night, so he stays till 3 year old is in other childcare.

Not to mention the damage being done to this poor child.

Can’t he just sneak out of the bed and leave DC asleep for a couple of hours?

Why is he bringing the child in to you?
We co sleep, youngest starts off in his own bed but clambers in with us at some point in the night.
Usually when he gets in one of us goes and sleeps in his room so there is more space. The adult left co sleeping gets up at their usual time and quietly goes about their morning routine and usually our son stays fast asleep.
If you ex got his clothes ready the night before, tiptoed out of the room your little one will probably stay asleep?

It clearly doesn’t , your child would be far better off in his own room not getting swapped between rooms with either parent. It’s not really co sleeping , you bring him in with you rather than settle him, just the easy option.

agree that none of that is ideal, but that wasn’t the post I was responding to - I was responding to the person calling co-sleeping nonsense and that having the child sleep through would solve the problem. Obviously divorce/relationship break down is a known adverse childhood event but I’m not sure pointing it out is helpful when someone is going through it. It must be very difficult to be with/co-parent with someone who doesn’t prioritise their child’s needs.

It drives me crazy too but I have a disabled non sleeping child so I usually don't go to the gym, and I wouldn't if I was in sole charge of the kids also, so I suck it up and I don't go to the gym.

either keep child where they are sleeping and you get up when they wake or you get up and go into his bed when he’s out the room . Seems a bit pointless to do that so I’d just have DC sleep with you on ‘his nights/am. He can take over care once back from gym if you tolerate him doing this (you seem to as you haven’t stopped it) and gives a consistent place to sleep for DC. He can accommodate or change his routine in the new house and DC can learn it once there. I wouldn’t tolerate the gym thing or let him do this to child (wake up really early every other am)

How about thinking of whether the co-sleeping suits your child instead of what suits you and your soon to be ex ?

It’s my culture to co-sleep. Well that’s a new one

Clearly a child co-sleeping between two separated parents in the same house and moved depending on when one fancies the gym isn’t actually working for the child but ok then. When new partners come along you’ll forget about that but of culture I suspect,

He isn’t going to listen to you.

The only option is when it is your morning off you get up and out of the house. Take your power back. Go for a walk, swim, coffee in a nice place - whatever it takes for this interim period to ensure you don’t enable him.

I'd insist on swapping nights so his gym days are on your nights. If it's his turn to have dc, he doesn't get up early and wake them.

Reading your original post, the suggestions and comments plus all your responses to ideas on resolving this issue I actually think that both you and your STBX are both being extremely unreasonable. You are pulling in different directions and using this poor child as ammunition to cause disruption, pain and inconvenience to one another.

Quite how childcare will work for the two of you when you finally go your own ways is a total mystery……or is that something neither of you have considered just yet? I think not because you are so invested in creating as much disruption to one another as possible that you’ve both taken your focus off the most important factor in all this………your child!

FGS have an adult conversation with your ex, work out a strategy now, you both created this little human being who deserves better than this!

Sadly I don’t think OP can insist. She’s separating from her partner waiting to move out.

He isn’t being obliging…

Why should a childs wellbeing be compromised just so that Daddy can swan off to the gym several days a week?

YABU. You have created a rod for your own back by not ensuring your child is getting a healthy night's sleep, in their own bed. You're asking us how to remedy this, we've all told you the fix, but for some silly excuse or another over culture - You are refusing to listen.

Your child needs to be in their own bed so they can have a decent sleep. It's not fair that their parents are too lazy to enforce this. This really is damaging on the child. What are you going to do as they get older!?

I don't care what your culture is - Children the world over have been sleeping in their own bed since time began..and guess what!? They all survived. Stop trying to manipulate our answers to fit your daft sleeping set-up. A majority of us here are not in support of it, so like it or lump it.

Good grief! Some of you people make me despair!

This - but as others are making clear: your EX will NOT be able to continue his early morning gym sessions when he has sole custody of his child on his nights, will he? He won’t be able to leave his child in bed and go, so he needs to wake up and smell the coffee now. His regime will have to alter with no gym sessions on ‘his’ nights, regardless of where your child sleeps.

And yes, if he starts the night in his bed, he should be encouraged to stay there. The co-sleeping is what suits you and ex because it means YOU get back to sleep quickly - but it is not teaching your child to self regulate/self sooth and resettle in his own bed. In all gentleness - you are both being selfish by not supporting DS to sleep in his own bed all night in addition to ex’s refusal to adjust his training regime.

I can guarantee that it won’t make a difference, every night and every morning will be his gym mornings otherwise he’ll turn nasty
This is the new coping mechanism for men that want to hit their wives and other people that society is frowning upon it for now

Today DC was moaning for over an hour and a half for their dad until he got back.

You say you take turns to look after your child and it wasn’t your ‘turn’, but nevertheless, were you not able to comfort your child and /or distract him somehow to reassure him so that he wasn’t upset for an hour and a half. That’s a long time for a three year old to be upset without effective comfort from the parent whose turn it wasn’t.

Your child is suffering from arrangements that his two parents have made for him. He is upset and also tired. That means that the arrangements aren’t working.
Your child must be the priority for both of you and that means working together to minimise the trauma caused to him by the very sad break up.

Separated or not, you and your ex must both be more than willing to go back to the drawing board to work it out until you are both very very confident that your child won’t suffer from the absence of either one of you. It takes a lot of compromise from you both because this change wasn’t the fault of your child.
OP, you both still have joint responsibility to do better for your child whether it’s your ‘turn’ or not.

The negative effects of the problems that existed in your marriage and caused the break up, still exist for your three year old under your current living arrangements and you can’t ignore them simply because it’s not your turn.
Be careful not to transfer the fall out of the break up onto your child by rigidly sticking to turns.

I hope your ex is amenable to making changes that better suit your small child.

You’re all in the same house, this shouldn’t be so difficult op. You are both being stubborn and your child is suffering. Co-sleeping is currently not working. Leave them in their own bed and let them sleep!

Except it's clearly not working for you right now is it? 3 is old enough to be left in their dad's bed alone when he gets up. Or put in his own room.

I seperated from my sons dad and we both co-slept in our own homes. If the plan is for you to live seperately ultimately maybe he needs to pretend you are not in the house on his night. What would he do then? Wake his child and take him to the gym with him? Drive him to you? The co-sleeping is not the problem the selfishness of the dad getting the child up too early is. He cant leave a 3 year old in a house on their own. Just say no, if he has him overnight, he has him until a reasonable waking up hour.

Why doesn’t your ex just go to the gym when he isn’t with your child? Does he go to the gym 7 times a week?!

Imagine making a thread all about judging the merits of co-sleeping, when there is a man slap bang in the middle of it who insists on 50/50 but won't do his share, and wakes everyone else up at 5 am to go to the gym when it's HIS overnight.