So DP and I have been together around 2 years. Both divorced, he has his kids 50 percent of the time - I visit occasionally when he has his DC but never stay over (neither of us want this to change).
Up until recently I had my DC (teens) 100 per cent of the time. This obviously made sex difficult and we used to go to DH’s when he had no kids and make time for it there.
DH’s home circumstances changed meaning it was much harder for us to have sex there although not impossible.
So we were left with the occasional very rare weekend night where we could sleep together overnight.
After about a year after consulting with my teens DP started staying at my house. All fine and we would have (very quiet, discreet) sex late at night when kids in bed, lock on the bedroom door. No issues arising from this.
The issue that we have always had in the relationship is that we only have sex when DP initiates it. If I initiate then I am invariably rejected, DP will also say things like ‘we’re not having sex tonight’ well in advance of us going to bed.
For context I do not have a particularly high sex drive, I’d be more than happy with twice a week or once if it’s a week when we aren’t seeing each other much.
But it’s very much that DP makes the decision. The only exception to this is if I spot a child free moment when we’re both available I could say something like ‘hey on Friday morning we’re both not working and no kids, do you fancy some alone time then go out for lunch’ or whatever. This I seem to be ‘allowed’ to initiate because I have asked in advance?
Anyway I had all this out with DP about a year ago as there were a few things that had upset me, given how little alone time we get I felt that he was prioritising other things rather than being intimate with me. For e.g. on rare child free nights getting pissed in front of the TV rather than taking the opportunity to go and have sex, leaping out of bed the next morning so there was no chance for us to have a bit of alone time.
I just didn’t feel he prioritised sex with me and still doesn’t. That’s not to say he doesn’t initiate - he does - but I never know when this will be so he can come over and stay for 5 days and we could have sex 3 times or none at all and it will all be down to what DP decides.
When I talked to him about this last summer he got upset and said I was accusing him of being controlling and that he ‘doesn’t know he is doing it’ I pointed out that he will literally flinch and move his face away if I try to kiss him beyond a peck on the lips.
I do recognise that people aren’t always in the mood, he also isn’t the healthiest and although there is no ED I think sex makes him tired (he’s not very fit due to a recent health problem) and just feels a bit too much like effort for him at times.
We went away for a rare child free weekends couple of weeks ago and basically didn’t have sex until the Sunday after I had a conversation about why we weren’t? I said I felt he was prioritising sleep and beer when we have so little alone time together. He said I was moody and that’s why he didn’t want to have sex with me.
Anyway (sorry this is long) in the last couple of months my ex has agree to have the kids one night a week so as of recently we have had one childfree night a week. Sometimes DP wants to have sex then and sometimes he doesn’t.
We were in the garden yesterday and he suddenly announced that we would no longer be having sex when my kids are in the house. I am of course happy to have a conversation about what’s made him feel uncomfortable etc. But that’s not what he initiated - just decreed that from now on sex is off the table basically 6 days out of 7.
I felt pretty rejected and upset because - although I am used to him rejecting me - I wasn’t prepared for it as we weren’t even talking about sex he just announced this out of the blue and I felt hurt and embarrassed.
We then had a long conversation about how I feel that I do not have any say in when we have sex (of course I can decline it, he is not remotely coercive I just need to make that clear). His response to this was:
He doesn’t know/believe he does this. I pointed out that I don’t bother trying to initiate any more so it would be hard for him to notice now - but gave the example of him announcing in the garden that we wouldn’t having sex most days any more as an example
If he does do this he isn’t aware that he is doing it, therefore this is just the way he is and I need to accept it because this is who he is and he can’t change
I have upset him because he believes I am accusing him of being controlling (i haven’t used that word) and his ex wife said he was controlling and that’s really unfair as it’s hit a really sensitive nerve as he was not controlling in the relationship at all.
He then basically intimated that I have to dump him if I am not happy as this is who he is and I must accept him as I am. He then said I’m not perfect and when my ex upsets me I sometimes ‘take it out’ on him. I acknowledged that at times when I’ve been upset about something else I’ve been upset with DP but also explained that I reflect, take accountability for my behaviour and always apologise.
Whereas DP’s take on this is that absolutely no reflection, apology or change is necessary with regards to his approach to sex I just need to accept him as he is or dump him.
Sorry this is so long, I absolutely appreciate that nobody is entitled to sex from somebody else, but does this really mean that they should never initiate it?